"𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟."

❦❦❦
－
𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐀𝐍,
－ 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐘𝐎𝐑𝐊－

𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐈 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐃 𝐎𝐅𝐅 the subway and into the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. Her mother walked beside her, chattering on about something Dani didn't care to listen to. Dani's mind was elsewhere.

lost in thought, her mother's voice broke through the fog that clouded her mind. "Hello? Are you even listening to me?" Her mom waved her hand in her face, her voice tinged with frustration.

Dani snapped out of her reverie and looked at her mother, feeling the familiar weight of her doubts and fears settling on her shoulders once again.

Dani nodded, feeling a pang of guilt for zoning out yet again. "Yes, Mom, I'm sorry," she said, her voice sincere.

"Stop apologizing, You're going to continue to do it again anyway,"

I sighed and stayed quiet.

"But I said that you haven't gone to school since we moved back to Manhattan, it has been two whole months Dani."

"I don't think I'm done grieving yet."

"You're not grieving, you're using your social anxiety as an excuse to not go, I know you Dani."

It's been a month since I returned to my hometown of Manhattan with my mother after the sudden loss of my father in an accident. Since then, I haven't been able to go to school due to the crippling anxiety and trauma that have consumed me. The hit-and-run incident in Brooklyn four months ago has left me grappling with a deep sense of grief and loneliness, making even the thought of stepping outside my home cause an overwhelming wave of panic.

I just couldn't help but feel like an outsider. Everyone around me seemed so normal and carefree, while I was struggling just to put one foot in front of the other. The anxiety was crushing, but I knew I couldn't stay cooped up in my room forever. My mom had forced me out of the house today, insisting that I get some fresh air. But all I could think about was how much I wished I could just hide away from the world and rot in my room all day.

"I don't care about what you say, you're going back to school Dani, and that's final." My mother crossed the street without me.

❦❦❦

As Dani prepared the dining table, she heard the sound of the door opening and her mother's cheerful greeting. Her extended family had arrived - two older female cousins, two younger male cousins, and my auntie.

I stiffened as my auntie pulled me into a tight hug, feeling awkward in her embrace. Despite her warm smile and excited tone, I couldn't help feeling out of place in this family reunion. All I wanted to do was retreat back to the safety of my room and avoid social interaction all together.

Love that they're here, but hated the social interaction. 

"You've gotten so big, Dani." My auntie chuckled from the door as she placed her belongings down.

"I know!-It's like I grew." I said sarcastically with a smile on my face.

As we all settled around the table, my heart sank at the sight of the delicious food laid out in front of us - chicken alfredo with garlic bread, my favorite. My mouth watered at the thought of the creamy sauce and tender chicken, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy it while surrounded by the overwhelming presence of my family. Still, I tried to muster some enthusiasm as we all started to dig in.

"This is good little sis, is this ma's recipe?" My Auntie asked digging into her noodles.

My mom laughed and nodded her head.

I glanced around the table at my cousins, who had yet to acknowledge my presence. I couldn't help but wonder why they were so cold and distant.

As I sat at the table, trying to force myself to eat despite the anxiety and discomfort that threatened to overwhelm me, I noticed my auntie watching me carefully. She must have seen the direction of my gaze, fixed on my cousins who had still not greeted me. With a sharp cough, she gave her children a pointed look, silently scolding them for their cold behavior. They reluctantly muttered a dry "hi" in my direction, but the lack of warmth was palpable.

"My apologies for their behavior Dani, I don't know why they didn't greet you when we first fucking came in." she scoffed at her kids.

As we continued to eat, my mother took a sip of her lemonade and asked my cousins about school and how they were doing. I silently listened to their answers.

"School is good-it's just too ghetto." Remi, the eighteen year old said.

The other cousins agreed with her response.

"I can't wait to graduate, people be fucking in the bathrooms and stuff." 

A small coughing fit from my mother interrupted the flow of conversation as she choked on a piece of chicken from the alfredo.

"Oh." she wiped her mouth

My auntie chimed in with her perspective on the conversation, expressing her desire to move her two sons, Ray, and Rager and her daughter Reign, to a new school before the next semester began. My cousins grumbled and complained about the idea, but my auntie persisted, insisting that she wanted the best for them. I sat there in silence just listening.

"So what about Dani? How's school?" My Auntie asked

As my auntie turned to me, asking about school, I hesitated to answer, feeling a wave of embarrassment and guilt wash over me. I knew that I hadn't been to school for two months, a fact that I was ashamed of. Before I could speak, my mother cut in, answering for me, trying to save me from the awkwardness of admitting the truth.

"She's actually haven't been in school for two months." 

"Lucky." Ray said

"Shh," Auntie hushed him.

"Why?"

I watched the silent exchange between my mother and auntie unfold from across the table, their facial expressions speaking volumes. As I saw my auntie mouth the word "ohh," I knew that she had understood the implication behind my mother's words.

"Wait tell me, I want to know." Reign begged.

"Reign be quiet." Remi said

I felt a pang of bittersweet sadness as my auntie gently touched my shoulder, silently offering comfort and support. I knew that she was aware of the reason behind my absence from school - the trauma and grief of my father's murder. It was a small gesture, but it spoke volumes of her understanding and empathy. Despite my discomfort and unease, I appreciated her attempt to offer some degree of comfort.

"She's going to school tomorrow though so it's all good."

"I honestly think she should take the time to heal before she does or go anywhere, it would be the best thing for her and her mental health D." My Auntie replied to my mom.

"She took enough time, she have been doing nothing in this house but rot all day."

"Have you took her to therapy?"

"No, you knew that shit didn't help me when mom put me in therapy Demia."

"So it definitely wouldn't help her."

"And how are you so sure." Auntie asked

"Because I'm her mother, I know what's best."

"That's really fucked up D." Auntie said

I sat at the table, feeling utterly uneasy as my mother and auntie continued their back-and-forth argument about what was best for me. Their conversation was becoming more heated, and the atmosphere around the table was growing increasingly tense. The once-pleasant family gathering had taken a sour turn, and I wished more than anything that I could retreat back to the safety of my room. All I wanted was to escape from the uncomfortable situation that I was suddenly thrust into.

"I don't fucking care! I'm her mother, and I birthed her- who the fuck are you to tell me what's best and what's not."

"As me being your older sister with four kids, I'm just trying to help you D, her mental state is clearly fucked up- she needs help."

"Dani is fine!- nothing is fucking wrong with her!"

As I reached for a napkin to wipe my face uncomfortably , I felt a sudden sense of dread wash over me as my older female cousin Remi caught sight of something on my wrist. Her sharp observation caused the entire table to fall silent, all eyes fixated on my arm.

"Dani what is that on your arm?" Remi asked out loud.

Remi's question hung in the air, and everyone waited for me to respond. I hesitated for a moment, feeling shame and fear as I fumbled for an answer.

As the silence continued to hang in the air, my auntie gasped in shock, her hand flying up to her mouth as her eyes flicked between my wrist, me and my mother.

"That's her being okay to you!?" Auntie continue to rant.

"Get the fuck out of my house Dana!" My mother yelled at her sister angrily.

As my auntie and her kids gathered their things, my auntie approached me, her expression gentle yet serious. She spoke softly, her voice tinged with concern. "If you ever need anything," she whispered, clasping my hand tightly in hers, "I'm only a phone call away."

"Get the fuck out of my house Dana!" My mom continue to yell.

❦❦❦

I felt my mother's grip tighten around my wrist as she pulled my arm closer, her eyes scanning the scars that adorned my skin. Her face contorted with anger and sadness, her disappointment in me clear as day. I tried to free myself from her grip, but she held on tightly, forcing me to confront the reality of my actions.

"You did this on purpose!? To embarrass me at the table- didn't you!?" She questions

"On purpose?! No! I was wiping my face and Remi saw."

"Why!?"

"Why would you do this to yourself?- you don't want to be here?" 

"Are you trying to leave me like your father!?"

"Huh!! Which one is it?-Speak to me child!" My mother shouted with tears falling down her eyes.

I stood there, tears streaming down my face, feeling completely unable to form words. My mind was a whirlwind of confusion and conflicting emotions, and I couldn't articulate why I had done what I had. I felt lost and alone, drowning in a sea of uncertainty. The room seemed to spin around me as I struggled to make sense of my own actions, unable to find a way to describe the overwhelming feelings that had consumed me.

"Go to your room, and think about what you've have done,"

"Now!"

❦ 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐄 ❦
𝟎𝟎𝟏.