𝐃𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐒:
― 𝚛𝚎𝚋𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚑.
― 𝚗𝚎𝚠   𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜.
― 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚙𝚒𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.
― 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚢.

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

❝ SEVEN DAFFODILS. ❞
changlix // word count: 3,543.

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

Felix's first kiss technically occurred at age seven. Of course, as he grew, he much preferred to pretend as if it had never happened, because he was just a silly kid back then, and so was Han Jisung, so he had no plans of recounting the experience every time he was asked about his first kiss at a party. Frankly, it was easier to make something up out of thin air about leaning in to lock lips with a pretty brown haired female out back behind a baseball field that, while it did exist, he had never actually ventured behind. It was simpler. It caused much less of a stir. He could tell that story with pride, unlike the truth, which consisted of two first grade boys experimenting in a tube slide during recess; -their lips connecting in a small, heated space that was glowing red and smelled of sweat.

It was nothing  more than curiosity on the both of their youthful parts. Jisung was the class clown, Felix was the one that laughed at his every antic, and somehow, in their immature minds, they decided that the way to seal their friendship was to crawl up inside of a playground slide (which was absolutely against the rules that their teacher's set for them in the first place) and give one another a quick, anxious peck on the lips as their little hearts pounded loudly and their sweaty palms struggled to keep them in place. It meant absolutely nothing. There was no sense of puppy love between them, it hadn't taken place because they were one of the grade's "official couples", and it certainly didn't make Felix gay by any means. Frankly, neither of them were old enough to understand the concept of sexuality in the first place.

Silly seven year olds playing around with adult topics, because they'd yet to be told that kisses are to be shared between men and women only; -between boys and girls alone. They'd yet to be told that heterosexuality was the only normal way, the only right way to live their lives. As far as they knew, they were just two people doing an action, -just two kids playing around with a more mature gesture of affection that they'd yet to fully wrap their adolescent minds around.

Just foolish kids playing a foolish game. . .

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Felix's second kiss, or rather, the one that he truly regarded as his first, took place when he was eleven years old. It was two days before Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the entire year in the eyes of society, and Felix had an actual date to the Valentine's Day dance that was happening just after school. The cutest girl in sixth grade had asked him to be her date, and he's said yes without hesitation because she was popular and even if they hardly knew one another, it was more than a good enough reason for his nonsensical preteen brain to light up and say that it was a brilliant idea to accept her offer. In retrospect, it wasn't. Looking back on things, Felix knew why his choice had been slimy and inappropriate, especially so since he couldn't even recall her name in his current standings.

He was almost positive that it started with a J though. . . Almost.

Whether it truly did or not was beyond him, because she was not, by any means, the most memorable part of the experience. Rather, that came in the form of Hwang Hyunjin, the boy that every girl seemed to swoon over because of his attractive appearance. Frankly, Felix was intimidated by him in almost every way possible, and because of a rumor that had gone around that said Hyunjin was planning on asking Felix's unnamed date to the dance, the younger boy was in fear that Hyunjin planned on beating the living hell out of him as soon as he got the chance.

That evening at the dance, with the smell of dirty socks lingering in the gym amongst the cups of Hawaiian punch, lemonade, and sugar free soda, as well as the tables of box made brownies, miniature cupcakes, and store bought cookies with obnoxiously pink frosting, Hyunjin latched onto Felix's frail wrist and pulled him along the gym floor and out the back door without a single teacher noticing their open escape (not that any of them felt as if they were paid enough to care in the first place.) Leaving the both of their dates behind to watch in utter confusion, Hyunjin paused, seemingly rethinking his actions right before the younger male's doe eyes before he sucked in a deep breath, gathered up all of his courage, leaned in and pressed his lips to Felix's in an uncoordinated and nearly unreciprocated kiss.

It was awkward beyond belief, -exactly the kind of thing that you'd expect from a couple of preteens. Felix was confused, but he kissed back sloppily, moving his lips after a few moments of freezing in his place. Hyunjin was as gentle as he was clumsy in his execution, but the younger male ate it up, feeling his heart skip several beats as they clung to the moment like the utter children that they were. When all was said and done, they left it at that. Nothing more was ever done or said, and to this day, Felix can't seem to look Hyunjin in the face when he passes by the elder male and his girlfriend in the halls. . .

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Felix's third kiss came in the form of a dare; -one that shook the structure of a seemingly sound friendship that he'd fostered with Lee Minho, a tanned, gloriously attractive ninth grade student who was just one year above him (but still in another school altogether.), to its very core. They'd met on the bus when it had been packed full of students one evening, and Minho saved him from complete embarrassment by moving his duffel bag from beside of him, to the floor directly underneath of him, offering up the newfound space so that Felix, with his spiked up hair and hands gripped tightly onto his backpack straps, could sit down there right next to him.

That was the start of something short lived, but beautiful nonetheless. In Minho's slightly messy room, with his basketball laid out in the middle of the space for anyone to trip over at any given time and his clothes scattered about the floor in true teenage boy fashion, Felix sat on the unmade bed with his mouth hanging slightly agape. A simple game of truth or dare had gone from "I dare you to do a handstand against the wall for thirty seconds" and "I heard that you kissed Kang Taehee under the bleachers. . . Is that true?" to Minho boldly telling his friend "I dare you to kiss me."

"Y-You mean, like, kiss your foot or something?" The younger male had stuttered out in his daze, an expression of mild horror coming over his sharp features.

"No," Minho replied bluntly, "a real kiss. On the lips."

Felix, thirteen years old and currently struggling with his sexuality more than anything else in the world, was mortified by the idea. For months, he'd been telling himself that his kiss with Hyunjin (and subsequently his kiss with Jisung) meant absolutely nothing; -that he was just thinking too much and getting caught up within something that didn't need to be a big deal in the first place. After all, it wasn't like he'd wanted to kiss Hyunjin, -the elder male had ignited everything! And as for Jisung, they were just young and dumb, too little to know what they were even doing in the first place, so it certainly didn't count for anything at all.

But you kissed back. . .

Not just with Jisung, but with Hyunjin too. . .

"That's gross," Felix said, and in that moment, he truly believed it.

He'd really come to the understanding that homosexuality was unnatural, -that it was vile, disgusting, and something to hate himself for even thinking he could be involved in.

"You're just scared," Minho stated accusingly, "you're afraid that you'll like it too much."

Felix blushed, his cheeks turning bright red in color as he swallowed thickly, attempting to wet his newly dry throat.

"No," he replied, attempting to be firm in his tone (but failing miserably as puberty got the best of him and his voice cracked ever so slightly, "it's just gross and I don't want to."

"Pussy," Minho egged him on, and for some reason, that word flicked some sort of switch within Felix's young mind.

It was the desire to prove that he wasn't a "pussy", -the desire to prove that he wasn't scared of anything. He wanted to show Minho that he wasn't afraid of liking anything, because he was not attracted to anyone of the same sex. He wasn't. Most of all, it was an inner need to prove to himself that he wasn't gay, that he wasn't abnormal, and that he was just like every other boy his age who was attracted to females. He wasn't about to admit to being the freak that got off to male on male porn instead of male on female, or even female on female.

Grabbing hold of Minho's shirt collar, Felix smashed their lips together into a bruising kiss. It felt wrong, and even more so, it was painful. He didn't like it in the slightest. No more than five seconds later, Minho shoved him away and stared at him with a look of complete and utter horror on his undeniably attractive face. It was almost as if he refused to believe that he was the person who'd dared Felix to do it in the first place.

After that night, the younger male found himself hard pressed to deny his sexuality. Sure, he was the one who'd been dared to do it, but at the end of the night he was also the one who'd gone through with it, and in his teen aged haze, Felix saw that the odds were more than stacked against him. First Han Jisung, who he'd kissed in his bitter youth, -the only one that he could write off as a missed step in his path to righteousness. Then Hwang Hyunjin, the boy who'd kissed him like there was no tomorrow (the boy that he'd kissed back just as hard, even if he didn't want to admit that to himself.) And lastly, there was Lee Minho, the boy that he had kissed first, -not the other way around.

Gay. . .

The more Felix thought about it, the lower his heart sank, and the cutting of their ties was solidified the next evening when Minho turned his body sideways and purposefully took up the whole bus seat so that Felix couldn't slide in next to him. . .

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

Felix's fourth kiss was much less of a shock than all his previous ones had been. At age fourteen, he'd come to accept that he was more than likely not straight, and he himself had grown to be okay with that. With the help of some amazing online communities, Felix had come to terms with his own sexuality (for the most part), and though his family and friends would certainly be a different story, the young male was just taking things one day at a time.

Autumn had set in that year as the leaves changed colors and sang in a chorus of fiery hues. The season arrived with a buoyant lack of subtly, much like Bang Chan, a junior student who's bisexuality was as unmistakable as the untamed flaxen curls on his head.

And amidst that slightly chilly autumn weather, Felix jumped at the chance to skip class with a group of upperclassmen who'd invited him to travel to an old, abandoned rail station up the road from the school in lieu of sitting in their second period calculus class. Felix, with his newly dyed head of scarlet hair, joined Chan and his less than quiet friends on a tiny adventure, and he even managed to stay true to his own morals when one of them (who's name Felix had already forgotten) pulled out a small bottle of cheap vodka and a half empty pack of cigarettes. Chan took a cigarette, but refused a drink of the alcohol, whilst Felix said no to both.

The other three students went off to mess around in the forest, undoubtedly planning on throwing sticks at one other just for the heck of it, leaving Chan and Felix behind in an abandoned train car where the elder male took long, slow drags of his cigarette and talked with Felix about pointless things and random subjects.

"You want a hit?" Chan inquired, offering the white stick over to the redhead, to which Felix instantly shook his head no.

"No thank you," he denied as politely as he could, which was incredibly cute in Chan's humble opinion.

So he voiced it.

"You're adorable," he complimented, that laxly charming and unwaveringly confident smile playing on his rogue pink lips.

Felix blushed at his words, feeling his cheeks tint themselves a light pink in response.

Before he knew it their lips were locked in a sweet kiss, the taste of cigarette smoke lingering on Chan's tongue as theirs slipped passed one another meekly. It was nothing extraordinary and Felix knew that nothing would come of it, but he kissed back anyway simply because he enjoyed the feel of Chan's lips on his. The stars didn't align in his favor, the world didn't freeze just for them to have their special moment in time, and neither one of them were in love under any stretch of the imagination.

But even so, Chan's kiss was his favorite so far. . .

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

Felix's fifth kiss was nothing inherently special at all. He was sixteen, a junior in high school, and he'd taken to the partying side of things quite heavily. Nothing detrimental to his grades by any means (which were nearly perfect), but something that he could look back on and know that he had fun in his youth, -he could look back knowing that he made the most of his high school experience.

Upstairs in a formerly nice home that was currently littered with red solo cups and the scent of horny teens and young adults, Felix was playing spin the bottle with a group of people, some of which he knew, and others he didn't.

"Felix," Chaeyoung grinned, "it's your turn to spin the bottle."

Nerves and anxiety mostly numbed by the three cups of cheap beer that he'd chugged in succession, the brunette reached forward and spun the empty wine bottle around, watching as it circled the people before him, just waiting for a target to stick him with. Craning it's neck, the bottle landed on Kim Seungmin, easily the smartest kid in the entire eleventh grade, and if it weren't for that trait, Felix highly doubted that he would even know who Seungmin was in the first place. They'd never spoken, and frankly, Felix was shocked to see him there because of how clean cut he seemed to be when at school.

His brightly colored hair was in great contrast to his soft, timid personality. Nevertheless, Seungmin was very attractive, with a pair of slightly plump lips, doe eyes, and an overall aura of innocence. His eyes widened when he realized what was going to happen, and Felix moved forward swiftly, not scared at all. The nervousness was practically seeping out of Seungmin's very pores, and the brunette could sense his anxiety fervently. Reaching up, Felix cupped the redhead's cheek and leaned in to capture Seungmin's lips with his own.

It was by no means an expression of deep passion, but despite that, Seungmin appreciated the way that Felix had gone out of his way to make the moment feel at least semi-special for him (or, as special as it could have been with at least a dozen pairs of curious eyes boring into the both of them.)

Just another meaningless locking of lips for Felix to add to his list. . .

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

Felix's sixth kiss, while it was unfortunately not born of deep love or desire, was something in which the eighteen year old felt he could be proud. Yang Jeongin, who was a member of the archery club with Felix, had taken to clinging onto the elder male because he felt as if he got comfort from his presence. Felix was older, he was kind, he was smart, and he was everything that Jeongin had been searching for for a while. The raven haired male's confession was thoughtful and sweet, but sadly, Felix didn't reciprocate his feelings (nor did he ever pretend to.)

Jeongin, while he was heartbroken and saddened that his feelings weren't shared, respected the fact that Felix cared for him enough to be honest with him. He much preferred to be turned down on healthy and honest merits than he did to have a dishonest relationship that would hurt him even more in the long run. Overall, his feelings toward the situation were bittersweet in every way, but even so, he accepted Felix's offer of being his date to prom that year.

Surrounded by dresses of all kinds (some pretty, some much less than such) as well as suits of all colors (even a pink one that Felix honestly thought was incredible despite the snickers it earned the female wearing it) Jeongin spent his night by Felix's side, laughing at every joke he made and smiling at him even when he wasn't looking or doing anything in particular. They danced, they drank punch from obnoxiously small plastic cups, they enjoyed one another's company, and above all else, Jeongin enjoyed his time there, even if he knew (and fully understood) that his feelings were not shared by the elder male.

But even so, Jeongin still stole a kiss from Felix's soft lips as they parted ways for the night. On the younger boy's front porch, under the hefty glow of the sunlit moon that poured from the hands of the sky like warm milk, -their lips met gently, and Felix made no attempt to push Jeongin away. He could feel the shaking of Jeongin's hands as they clasped onto his suit, and he let it be because he knew that, if the roles had ever been reversed, Jeongin would have done the same for him.

And if it gave Jeongin a sense of closure, Felix was more than willing to take part. . .

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

"Is that all of them?" Changbin asked, his luminous umber orbs shimmering slightly under the setting sun.

The golden ball of fire in the sky was changing to hues of fluorescent orange that bled into what Felix could only describe as lively tangerine. It merged with the sky like a powdered juice mixing with a glass of crystal clear water. In the heat of summer, a nineteen year old Lee Felix and a twenty year old Seo Changbin sat side by side under the changing heavens in mid July when the summer heat was smoldering and their hearts were pulling the two of them together like a magnetic force.

"Yep," Felix confirmed, nodding his head, "there was Jisung in the slide, Hyunjin behind the gym, Minho in his bedroom, Chan in the abandoned rail station, Seungmin upstairs at a party, and Jeongin on his front porch after prom."

Han Jisung taught him to express himself freely.

Hwang Hyunjin taught him to do everything with passion.

Lee Minho taught him how to be introspective.

Bang Chan taught him how to be unapologetically himself.

Kim Seungmin taught him to face his fears and to never let anxiety hold him back.

Yang Jeongin taught him to never let an opportunity slip through his fingers and to always be truthful about his emotions.

And Seo Changbin taught him that love comes in the most unexpected ways, at the most unexpected times, in the most unexpected forms. Changbin taught him that love isn't something you can predict; -it isn't a light spring rain or the first flurry of winter when autumn begins to turn over its power. Love is a natural disaster. . . Powerful, dangerous, and you can never truly know for certain just how hard it will hit you when you least expect it.

Changbin was the most incredible plot twist that Felix had ever encountered, and he was utterly entranced by him. Every inch of his honeyed skin, every sugary word that fell from his sweet lips, every brush of silken threads when their shaky hands touched and lithe fingers intertwined. . . The extravagant rush of euphoria and an exaltation that spurred from the core of their hearts and souls as their lips connected under the vibrant sky, under clouds that mimicked that of cotton candy with their pale pink, cottony appearance.

Felix didn't know where it would lead. Neither of them could be certain. But with every fragile cell in his body, with every harsh breath from his feeble lungs, with every burning stretch and pleasured moan he could muster up; -Felix loved him, and a part of him always would, no matter the tide.