A few minutes pass in silence.

'Where did you learn that?' Shawn asks with an angry tone.

I was waiting for this bomb to drop, but deep down I hoped he wouldn't mention it and just be grateful...

I don't fucking ask him where he learned everything he does to me and I think I don't even want to know. Like that weirdly shaped egg, I know for sure, that with me wasn't his first time experimenting with it.

'I told you that other day in the car about my past.' I tell him after a couple of seconds.

'You did what you just did to me to other guys too?'

'Well... yeah... that's how I learned it...' I feel him looking at me, but I'm afraid to look into his eyes.

Shawn lets go of my hand and turns around, with his back to me. Is he fucking serious right now?! He told me that he will always be jealous, but please, tell me what the fuck there is to be jealous about!

I throw the sheets off me and stand up grabbing my phone off the mattress.

'You are such a fucking hypocrite!' I whisper in his direction before walking away.

His body should be filled with oxytocin and vasopressin hormones right now, not how-do-I-chase-my-girlfriend-away-by-being-a-dick hormones.

I walk through the small curtains and walk past the eating space to the big gate in my pyjamas. I push them open and walk through the sand that's still warm, even in the middle of the night. I try to walk as angry as I am, but my feet keep sinking into the soft sand.

There is a big hill of sand next to the camp and I decide to walk to it. I try to climb onto it but my grip keeps slipping. I put my phone in my bra and continue climbing even while it feels impossible.

The stars in the sky are shining so bright that I don't even need the flashlight of my phone to see something.

I stop what feels like hours later with climbing and turn around. 

My jaw drops. 

All this time it felt like I was climbing and not getting any higher but now... it's like I can see the whole desert. Like a queen watching over her precious land, with brightest stars lighting it.

I wish Shawn was here to see this... No, fuck Shawn. He can go fuck himself because I'm not sucking his fucking dick anymore if it starts so much fucking drama. Fuck!

-

The next morning I wake up from the dimmed sun shining in my face. I fell asleep on the hill of sand and to be honest I slept pretty great.

I look at the beautiful sunrise and slowly start walking down the hill to the toilets outside the camp. Damn it! There is sand everywhere, in my hair, in my clothes, in my ears. Ugh. I guess that's the price you pay for sleeping outside.

'Good morning, Liz.' I hear Niya say while she's smoking a cigarette.

'Morning.' I am grumpy as fuck.

I try to remove as much sand off my clothes as I can before entering the toilet stall.

When I'm done I walk through the gates of the camp to our tent. Shawn is folding the sheets and I open the tent, grabbing clean clothes.

'Good morning, babe.' He says.

'Oh, fuck off.' I say before walking away again.

I take my shower in peace and put on clean clothes before sitting down on a bench next to Niya outside the camp. I hate the smoke of cigarettes, but I would rather sit here for a bit than go back inside and face Shawn after he spent a sand-free night on a mattress.

'Are you going under the sand today?' Niya asks.

'I spent a whole night in the sand, I think I'm good...' I run my fingers through my hair.

'What do you mean, under the sand?' I ask her after a few minutes of silence.

What does she mean?

'Ibrahim will explain it to you, I'm too tired.' She sighs. 'The people sleeping next to us kept me up all night. They were snoring so loud!' She whispers and I laugh.

'Did you get up just to watch the sunrise this morning?'

'No. I slept there.' I play with the necklace around my neck.

'You what?! Why the fuck - excuse my language - did you sleep there?' Niya yells.

'I was angry at Shawn...'

'Normal people then decide to sleep in their tents, not on a hill of sand.' She chuckles.

'I know, but I slept pretty great actually.'

Niya and I discuss last night's amazing stars when Shawn walks out of the gates, walking in our direction. I let the necklace between my fingers go and look at the sand under my feet.

'Beth? Can I talk to you?' He says.

I roll my eyes.

'Yes.' I stand up and smile at Niya before following Shawn away from the camp.

When he stops walking he turns to face me and I cross my arms in front of my chest. He looks at me and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

'I'm sorry...' He whispers.

'You what?' I put my hand behind my ear, I want to hear it again.

'I'm sorry I was such a dick last night.' He says, this time louder.

'What happened? Why did you ruin it? It was great and then you decided to fuck it up.' My tone isn't angry at all, I'm actually surprised by how soft it sounds.

'While you were doing... you know...' He looks away and I chuckle.

How can he whisper nasty things in my ear but not say that I gave him a blowjob out loud?

'I sucked your dick, continue...' I say.

'Yeah, well, while you were doing all those things I started wondering how you learned it and suddenly images of you kissing other guys popped in my head and I started to freak out. I can't stand the idea that another man touched you the way I touch you...'

'Believe me, Mendes, no one touched me the way you touch me. Not even Ludovic.'

'Still... I know I'm not perfect but you have to give me some time for me to get used to it.'

'Normally I don't give a fuck who someone slept with, but with you it's different.' He says, stepping closer to me.

'But can you see how frustrating it is that you keep bringing shit like that up? I can't do anything about the things I did, and I don't want to change it either. I'm not trying to change you.' I point at his chest. 'And believe me, deep down I know that all the things you did to me weren't your first time doing them.'

'No it wasn't.' He chuckles.

'See. You don't see me getting mad at you.' I put my hand on his shoulder.

I stress about it in my head, but I don't bother him with it...

'I will try not to think about it and I'll stop ruining moments, I promise...' Shawn says, putting his hands on my hips.

'I'm sorry I called you a fucking dick.' I say, wrapping my arms around his neck.

'You didn't call me a fucking dick.' He says, confusion spread all across his face.

'Yes I did, a lot of times, and I meant them, but they were in my head so I don't really know why I'm apologising for it.' I smile.

Shawn shakes his head with a smile and kisses me while we stand there together in the sunlight.

'Where were you the whole night? I tried finding you, but you were nowhere to be found.' He says while taking my hand in his.

'I was right there...' I turn around and point at the high hill.

'Why the fuck did you decide to sleep there?!'

'I didn't! I was angry climbing in the middle of the night and I was really angry at you so I got pretty high without even noticing it. When I sat down I looked at the beautiful stars and before I knew it, I fell asleep.' I chuckle.

Shawn laughs and we walk back to camp together.

Thank you for reading!

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