*trigger warning*

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Changbin wasn't just cold, -he was freezing. Stripped completely naked in the corner of a blindingly white room, the men monitoring the process of exposing him to temperatures that would undoubtedly induce purposeful hypothermia looked on, taking notes every few minutes as they studied his reactions. His teeth chattered involuntarily, his skin felt like ice, and he learned that it was better not to move; because moving would draw the process out longer. He didn't want to continue living, there was no viable reason for him to do so, and he was well aware of that. At thirteen years old, the raven haired boy curled into a ball, bringing his bruised knees up to his chest as he laid on his side in the corner of the room. And with that, he waited for his blood to freeze inside his body. With every slow breath he took, he could see the puffs of smoke-like vapor that gathered in front of his face as his warm breath met the cold air that surrounded him on all sides.

As the young teen boy's body temperature began to drop quickly, nausea was the first thing that set in; taking its place within the pit of the raven haired boy's stomach. Before long, his lips became a tinted blue; not that there was a mirror for him to see them in. The men outside the room had a quiet discussion of the boy's pain as Changbin's mind became like mush. Confusion was the second stage of early onset hypothermia. He felt like his mind was somewhere else, but he was okay with that. In a way, it relieved him, because he didn't have to think about anything but letting himself drift off into the sweet embrace of death. Before long, the overwhelming tiredness kicked in, and his eyes began to flutter open and closed even slower. He figured that it was almost time. Unconsciousness was nearing; and he knew that if he could just fall asleep he'd get his wish, and he'd never have to wake up again.

But the men outside the room knew that would be the case as well, and they couldn't let their most prized possession greet death just yet. They needed Changbin alive, so they would selfishly keep him that way for as long as they possibly could; no matter how much pain they were putting him through. With the press of a button, the collar secured tightly around Changbin's neck (so tight it was restricting his breathing, almost cutting off his air supply completely) volts of electricity were sent coursing through every inch of the young boy's body. He screamed in pain, reaching up with his hands immediately to pull and tug at the collar, doing his best to remove the God forsaken item from his throat (to no avail). The electric shocks caused his body to convulsed and spasm, and after all was said and done, he felt prickly in certain areas. As tears involuntarily leaked from his eyes, freezing the skin of his face even further, and he clenched his jaw tightly.

I was so close, he thought to himself in dismay, and even the voice in his mind had a crack in it that showed he was past the verge of tears, I should be gone. It could have all been over...No more suffering, no more pain...

"Just let me die!" The raven haired boy shouted desperately.

Another button was pushed, and that time, the voltage was upped and Changbin clenched his teeth as the electricity coursed through his veins. It only lasted for three seconds, but to him the pain felt like an eternity, and it didn't end when the man with the remote lifted his finger off the button. It continued on mercilessly, pricking at his limbs like the needles that were forcibly stabbed into him on a day to day basis. Changbin didn't understand the purpose of his existence. Was he really only put on the planet to suffer? That's not the kind of life he wanted, and if it was the one he was going to live, he certainly didn't want it to continue. The raven haired boy looked down at his own arms. His dangerously pale skin was covered in bruises, cuts, and needle marks from hours upon hours of endless torture.

I don't want to be alive anymore, the young teenage boy thought, letting his eyes drift along the rest of his body.

The vast majority of his skin was discolored, and the few spots that were the correct shade still stung to the touch. There wasn't even an inch of skin on his entire body that didn't hurt. He felt dead on the inside. That was the first night that Changbin realized he could flip his emotions on and off like a switch. It was then that he realized he didn't have to feel anything he didn't want to. He could shut himself down and become nothing but a shell of himself...And so he did.

I'll never be hurt again, he decided, at least, not on the inside.

His tears stopped, and the men outside the room were perplexed to see the thirteen year old's face become blank. The man with the remote clicked a button again, and even when volts of electricity were sent shooting through every cell in his body, he didn't even flinch. The pain no longer registered properly within his brain, because he'd decided that the pain didn't even matter. With that new found realization, he looked down at his own wrist.

If I can just hit a vein, it'll all be over...

Though his nails were bitten down, practically chewed down to the nub, he began to scratch at the skin of his wrist; softly at first. The men outside the room watched from the closed circuit camera curiously. But soft scratching running along the center of his wrists soon turned into the clawing of a rabid animal, and within seconds he'd broken through the first layer of skin. As soon as the men realized what he was doing, one of them shouted for the room's door to be opened, and as it swung inward, the four men raced in. They were afraid of Changbin, but their fear of their superiors was greater. They knew their families would be slaughtered if they didn't do as they were told, so they decidedly came face to face with the thirteen year old boy who's eyes had seemingly turned to a sinister shade of black. Something sparked inside of Changbin, something that even he himself found to be unsettling. Whatever the new found force inside of him was, it took over his mind and body, and the raven haired boy reached outward. As he did so, the pen in the hand of one of the four men trying to restrain him was ripped away from his grasp. The other three men watched in complete horror as the pen was driven into the neck of their fellow scientist. Changbin felt like he was going to be sick, and the young boy's stomach churned inside his body as he watched the blood pour from the man's neck.

At first it came out thick and strong, flowing through the man's fingers as they clasped the impaled flesh. No matter the pressure the man applied, the blood still gushed between his fingers and oozed under his hand, leaving a trail of the crimson liquid to run down and stain his forearm. His white lab coat wasn't so white anymore, and the other men tried to help their colleague; but it was all in vain. Changbin stared down at his own hands, breathing rapidly.

Did I do that? He questioned, horrified of himself as he watched the man crumple to the ground, eyes glazed over and body going limp.

I'm a monster! I'm a murderer...A killer in every right...

"Restrain him! Quickly!" One of the other three still living men ordered.

Still having the will to fight, Changbin sunk his teeth into the hand of the man attempting to touch him, tearing through the flesh immediately. Blood that (for once in his life) wasn't his own, flowed into the raven haired boy's mouth. Salty. Metallic. Running down his throat, he coughed and sputtered, and clawed at his own throat like a wild animal.

Choking, he realized, I'm about to die. I can't breathe, my head is spinning-

Silence. As Changbin sat up in bed, he could feel his heart in his throat. Despite Felix singing him to sleep at just a few minutes past midnight, he'd gone on to have yet another nightmare. He was in a cold sweat, and he searched for any signs of a metallic taste in his mouth. It was a dream, so there obviously wasn't any, but to him, it felt so real that he needed to be sure he was still okay. He noted the tightness of his chest and the rapid beating of his heart. He pulled the sleeve of his shirt down, searching for any signs of fresh wounds. Again, he found nothing, because it had all been just a dream. A nightmare, and as scary and real as it was to Changbin, it simply wasn't his reality. At least, not anymore.

Even so, the air in the bedroom became hard to breathe. The panic started out as thin cellophane, something his fingers could pierce breathing holes in. In another minute, the panic transformed into a deluge of ice water surrounding every limb, creeping higher until it passed his mouth and nose. That's when the attack became absolute, shutting Changbin's body down as fast as punching a biochemical reset button. The raven haired boy felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. Tension grew in his face and limbs, his mind replaying the last attack. The last time he'd had one, he met Felix during the worst end of it. He wondered if the Australian would help him like he tried to last time if Changbin were to wake him. But it was just past five in the morning, and the older boy knew the younger needed his rest. So he decided to deal with his predicament all on his own. His breathing became more rapid; more shallow. In those moments before his own personal hurricane, he came to understand the drug addict, the alcoholic, -anything to stop the primal surge to flee; he understood.

Changbin stumbled out of bed, cringing at the cold, early morning air, though it was the very least of his worries. The thoughts were accelerating inside his head. He wanted them to slow so he could breathe, but they wouldn't. His breathing came out in gasps and he felt like he would black out at any given moment. And, in a way, he longed for that. His heart was hammering inside his chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spun and the raven haired boy kneeled on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something his brain and body could cope with. He knew he needed to get outside. He'd be able to breathe out there. However, his legs were wobbly and his entire frame was shaking wildly, so there was little to no hope of him being able to stand upright on his own two feet; nonetheless being able to walk all the way down the hall and out the door.

An invisible hand clasped over his mouth; and an equally ghostly hypodermic of adrenaline pierced the raven haired boy's heart, unloading in an instant. He could feel his ribs heaving as if they were bound by ropes, straining to inflate his lungs. His head became a carousel of fears spinning out of control, each one pushing his mind and body into blackness. He wanted to run away, but it was like he was paralyzed; doomed to forever stay in that spot next to his bed on the cold, hard floor as he struggled to breathe.

Less then twenty feet away, Felix's eyes shot open at the sudden sounds of Changbin's rapid breathing. The Australian was facing away from the older boy's bed, so he didn't have a clue that the raven haired boy was actually awake and alert.

He's having a nightmare, Felix assumed, slipping out of his bed in order to sing few quiet lines into his partner's ear.

But, the brunette froze in place when he saw Changbin kneeling on the floor beside his bed, gasping for air and clutching his chest like he was having a heart attack. Suddenly, the younger boy felt as cold as ice, like all the blood in his body has been drained from his veins like that of a pin pricked egg.

Do something! Felix scolded himself mentally.

He stumbled forward, nearly tripping over his own two feet as he tried to get to Changbin's side. The older boy regarded the younger's presence beside of him wearily, and the guilt of waking the Australian only made his breathing became more ragged. Felix's hand gently clasped Changbin's shoulder, and that time, the older boy didn't try and push him away. He couldn't say anything (not that he would have voiced his thoughts if he was able to anyway) but the truth was that Changbin wanted Felix to touch him that time around. When he felt the younger boy's soft, loving touch, it calmed him, even if it was just a tiny bit. The older boy's throat felt tight, almost like it was being squeezed by that same collar from his dream. He was back to feeling like nothing more than a lowly lab rat that anyone could do anything to without his consent.

Needles. Burning sensations. Bruises. Pills being forcefully shoved down his throat. Chemicals forced into his veins. Toxins entering his body, leaving him feeling like a fucked up science experiment. He wouldn't cry, mostly because he didn't remember how to, or even if he could do it in the first place at all. Changbin leaned onto Felix, not even caring if the younger boy thought he was weak for it. But the Australian didn't think Changbin was weak...Felix wouldn't ever think that he was weak; not even in the slightest. Because the brunette knew that whatever had happened in the raven haired boy's past that was bad enough to leave him emotionally severed like he was...Felix just knew that it must not have been easy, and he had nothing but respect for the older boy, even in his vulnerable state. The younger boy's eyes drifted to Changbin's arm. Because of the sudden onset of an attack, the shorter boy had only haphazardly pulled his sleeve back down before collapsing to his knees on the floor beside his bed.

Felix didn't mean to stare, but he was shocked by the number of scars that lined the older boy's arm. In the back of his mind, the Australian wondered if Changbin had done that to himself, and the thought of the raven haired boy purposely inflicting pain upon himself made Felix want to hold his partner for the rest of eternity just to show him how lovely he truly was.

"Changbin..." Felix whispered lightly, gently touching two fingers to the older boy's exposed forearm.

As soon as Changbin realized his mistake, his heart sped up even faster. His breathing hitched yet again, and he forced his other arm over to the side in order to forcefully pull the sleeve of his shirt down to cover everything completely.

I'm an idiot, he chastised himself for leaving his deepest, darkest secret on display for the younger boy to see so easily.

The raven haired boy was sure that Felix thought he was a hideous monster. After all, that's what Changbin thought about himself every time he passed a mirror, though he tried his best to avoid all mirrors, and virtually all reflective surfaces that would cause him to see his own reflection. But Felix wasn't thinking anything like that. If anything, it made him even more respectful of Changbin. Wherever those scars had come from, they'd obviously been a painful experience, and of that Felix was certain. But, the point was that Changbin was there in that moment despite all the trauma in his past, and the Australian just hoped that the raven haired boy knew how much he valued him as a person. Felix also hoped that Changbin would one day be able to feel that way about himself, because the younger boy wanted the older to love himself in the same way that he'd come to love him.

The Australian wrapped an arm around the raven haired boy's shoulders and pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm. Despite the heaviness in Changbin's stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his own body being pressed against Felix's. He sunk into the warmth of the younger boy's side, appreciative of the simple gesture. His touch made the room warmer somehow, and Changbin's future within its walls began to seem  a little less bleak. The embrace in itself was a simple enough gesture between the two boys, and Changbin slowly stated to regain control over his body. In his heart, Felix felt a sense of accomplishment at having comforted the older boy enough to calm him down, and his only other wish was for Changbin to come to him for help next time instead of trying to deal with everything on his own. They were partners after all, and the Australian wanted to be there for Changbin as much as he possibly could be. As everything returned to normal inside the older boy's mind and body, he came to realize that though he disliked everything about him in the beginning, he'd become fond of and even thankful for the younger boy's presence in his life.

Both of them sat in silence. Changbin stayed in place with his face buried in the crook of the Australian's neck, and Felix sat with him on the floor, gently rubbing circles into the older boy's back. And deep inside the both of them, they had high hopes for what their current standings meant for their relationship. In that moment, everything seemed to be nothing but affectionate, nurturing and caring. And in the back of Felix's mind, he wondered if this was possibly even the fragile beginnings of love.

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a/n: tbh this chapter was kind of a filler to give more insight into Changbin's past and accentuate the feelings he's left with because of it. +i wanted to go into more detail about his anxiety disorder. don't worry, the next chapter will have more action :)

🔥word count: 3,112

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