My mind was a mess, Alex had just kissed me on the forehead, if I accepted that and even enjoyed it a little bit, that would mean completely giving up on Lilah who I still loved despite the circumstance. I felt immense guilt rush over me as Lilah closed the door softly and practically tip toed to the chair by Jim. Jim was looking between me and Lilah, the tension was there, so being the good friend he was he left the room. 

Lilah stared at her fingers, "S-so you're ok right, you aren't dying?" she whispered.

"Nope not dying."

"V, you have no idea how fucking worried I was, I was so scared that you were dead and that I'd never see you again, that call from Jim was literally the worst thing in the world. When I got here you were barely even breathing, and the blood, there was blood everywhere. What the hell happened, I was so scared V, because-" Lilah cut herself off and replaced her upcoming words with violent sobs that made her shoulders bounce.

"I have no idea what it feels like? Ok, I was only blamed for my girlfriend's suicide and then called a fag by my said girlfriend but of course I "have no idea how that feels"." I said raising an eyebrow.

Lilah's teary doe eyes widened and she started crying even more. There was a small puddle on the hospital's beige linoleum tile where her tears had fallen and gathered. I felt bad, a pang of more guilt made my stomach churn.
She continued, talking in between body wracking sobs, "V I was so unfair to you and I want to be able to be in the same room as you without you treating me differently, I want things to go back to how they were. Don't you want to date me again?" Her voice cracked on the last bit of her ramble.

I sucked in a breath, "fuck." I thought to myself.

Lilah continued crying quietly in the chair while I thought about it. Did I want to date her again, after everything she said to me?

I decided sitting up was a bad idea so I put my hand next to the bed and pressed the "sit up" button. I slowly made it to where I was seemingly sitting.

I placed my hand out and patted the scratchy bed sheet, Lilah noticed and scurried onto the bed. She took her black sneakers off and sat with her legs crossed in front of me. Her eyes were red, the skin around them puffy and pink.

I put my hand against her warm cheek and wiped the tear away. She blushed, when I pulled me hand back.

"Lilah, I need you to listen to me, I need your 100% attention." I told her seriously.

She said nothing in return and nodded her head, staring into my eyes. I was surprised even when we dated she wouldn't make eye contact ever.

"I need you to know how much that hurt me, when you said all of that to me I literally barely slept, I got back into drinking, hell I even thought I was going to die. I couldn't comprehend, understand why you would leave me twice, no explanation except for it being my fault. I know you have your issues, but it was really fucking selfish for you to do that. I still love you, a lot, but I don't think I can date you at least not right now. It's confusing but I can't be in a relationship where I constantly feel guilty and like everything is my fault. You can stay in my house in my room, I'll get a blow up mattress and sleep on that until you're back on your feet. But nothing is going to happen between us while I'm this confused." I felt sad, I did it, I took away any chance of us ever getting back together.

Lilah looked at me with wide eyes, her mouth was moving but no words were coming out, she was paler than usual, and in a instant she burst into tears muttering how sorry she was.

She leaned foward and cried into my shoulder, I put my hand on her back and rubbed small circles trying to console her, but she only cried harder. I felt a couple tears run down my face, warm and salty, I shouldn't be crying, this is what's good for both of us.

Soon her crying ceased replaced with small hiccups and slow breathing. Lilah had fallen asleep on me.

I reached over to grab my phone trying not to wake Lilah up or hurt my wound, after a minute or two I finally wrapped my fingers around it and unlocked it. I had several other pictures like this her laying on my chest, sleeping peacefully but this would be the last one.

I clicked on the small camera icon and turned the camera to selfie mode. Raising it up until you could see both of us, her sleeping quietly, her eyes squeezed shut, nose, cheeks red, me tears streaking down my face, with a small smile. The quiet click from my phone let me know the picture was there.

I texted Jim,

V: You can come back in if you want but I think you should go get some rest.
3:57 am

Jim: Alright, I think I will head home Simon is freaking out I have to tell him you're ok. Be safe, no more getting stabbed please."
3:59 am

V: no promises
4:00 am

I turned off my phone and slowly reclined the bed so I was laying down with Lilah on my chest, her small stature curled against my body.

I wiped my tears away with my free hand and ran my fingers through her hair after.

I fell asleep feeling content and that was good enough for me, but a part of me new I would miss this more than I should.