Chapter 31
Amelia unpauses the drama but Selena who had been in the bathroom while her parents attended the call pulls Amelia's sleeves. Everyone's eyes are on the television. No one wants to tell her what has been told over the phone.
"Tell me!", she bugs her putting a hand in her hair. But Amelia ignores her and continues to stare straight at the TV with a cushion squeezed against her chest. Selena taking this as an open opportunity opens her backpack and throws Cheetos in her direction. However, Amelia puts it aside.
"Stop disrespecting food. An sit down. There is nothing to tell.", she chews her lower lips but Selena being persistent about it realizes the gravity of the situation so she doesn't press upon that anymore.
This time when the landline rings the three siblings come into action jumping their way to their mom's bedroom. Saad being muscular shoves Selena into the wall. Her shoulder crashes into the wall. Although it didn't hurt much she dramatically slides down and screams for her dad who knowing her too well continues watching Sang e Mah. Amelia on the other hand gives up. A few seconds later Saad catwalks out of the darkness with the headset pressed against his ears. Selena stands up to follow him.
"Hello, Assalam o Alikum, Asad Uncle.", Aariz's panic-stricken voice dares to break as he greats her dad.
"Walikum Assalam, beta.", but her dad's casualness calms him down. He holds the art of making everyone a beta, which means a son. Whether it be Selena or Aariz. Everyone is beta to him, "Yeah your father told me you're leaving tonight.", these words are the stabs of betrayal. Her eyes try to catch Amelia's eyes but she simply walks past her to pause the drama again.
After a good five minutes of talking about COVID Aariz finally decides to ask what he had been meaning to ask, "Can I talk to Selena for a moment?"
"A moment? Like a second? A minute?", her dad asks, smirking as he looks in Selena's direction, "Five minutes."
When the headset comes in Selena's hand she rushes back to her room with it slamming her door shut.
"Why in the world am I getting to know from everyone else about this but nothing from you?", Selena hisses.
"Because you never gave me your number.", Aariz walks out of the lounge into the balcony biting his smiling lips. The beeping of the cars and the buses brakes near the bus stop makes Selena focus on Aariz's words.
"Smooth! I must say. But no. You ain't getting my number, Mr. Doctor.", her fingers play with her black hair. Curling them around her index finger she holds them in place in hopes that the strand of hair might curl into that shape. However, when she lets it go it falls flat against her chest.
"Sad! But you know it's the only way for me to reach out. Also, I am not a very good texter."
"That I know very well!", she rolls her eyes, "But if you wanna remain in touch with me you better become a good one."
He smirks knowing she is right, "Yeah, I'll drop a message once or twice in a year just to check-in, in case you die of loneliness."
"Me?", she snorts, "Of loneliness? Says the person who is leaving. I am not AT ALL gonna miss your measly existence."
"I have been slain, oh, queen of slayers.", his giggles tickle her ears spreading a smile on her face. Queen of Slayers. She arches her eyebrows, "I don't want you to because you better focus on that upcoming comprehensive.", his words catch her breath. Wanting to preserve this moment forever she closes her eyes letting his words echo in her ears. She could have slapped his smirk off his face but she can't because no matter what she says she will still miss him in her heart.
"I'll miss you, idiot.", she tries not to break down into tears.
"I'll miss me too.", he scoffs but she knows he is trying to hide his pain behind that laughter.
"Hey, let's get this degree and get married. We'll live together in New York. You are gonna cook. I am warning you. I don't know anything about cooking.", she walks up to the window, her eyes catching hold of a silhouette of a couple dancing on the balcony across the road.
"And dance.", he adds silently. He blinks because through his glassy watery eyes he can't see anymore. The sniff makes Selena gasp for breath. Her heartbeat that was slowly calming down because of his soothing voice paces up. Dance. She wants to dance with him for eternity. The fall where she can trust him to catch. The spinning in high heels and a long dress. A yank of a hand against the small of her back draws her closer. Closer to him. Her hands wrap around his neck playing with the curls with no air, no space between the left.
"Hey! I love you. Okay?! And message me when you reach.", she whispers
"I love Taylor Swift.", he replies.
Her chuckle makes him blush as if she has been whispering the words right into his ears with her floral aura wrapping around him, "I know you do.", she knows it's her he is talking about. Not wanting the deafening silence to hang between them and knowing he will not cut the call she does and collapses on the sofa with a heavy heart. The white ceiling is spectacular to stare at. Its charms are enough to prevent her from crumbling down into pieces. She blinks. She sniffs. She is fine.
Is it the wind that suddenly became cold or the beeping on the other side that took the warmth away? Whatever it is, it makes Aariz move back into the lounge with droop shoulders.
But meanwhile, I will give you what you need. The space. The space to grow and flourish. You are right. I should not be your priority. Our priority is our ambition. And I guess I can see where you are coming from.
Aariz walks towards the Emirates Terminal with his mom squeezing his hand tight. The coldness of the night constantly reminds him of the short-lived warmth of his ammi's hand that he needs to conserve. The wheels thud against the cobblestones but hush when the tiled floor replaces the cobblestones inside the airport. It's almost midnight. Deciding to kill the drowsiness making him sluggish he decides to get a cup of coffee from the vending machine nearby after checking in for boarding.
No tear brims to the edge of his eyes daring to roll down his face when he tightly squeezes his mom in a teddy bear hug inhaling as much of her soothing aura as he can. A tug of Harun's hand on his pants with teary eyes makes him bend and ruffle his hair before pulling him into a hug. As he moves through the e-gate, he turns around with a barrier between him and his family just to say his last goodbyes. He smiles.
We walk in circles always moving away but still getting closer somehow, never getting anywhere. But one day, the strings that tie us together will stretch so long that we will recoil back into place.
He could have sat peacefully if the sudden change of events hadn't happened but now he is pacing back and forth drumming his fingers on the cardboard coffee cup. His brain takes him back to the parking lot but he doesn't push that memory away. He lets it unroll. He lets it give him the hope he needs.
"Oh, Selena. I'll wait for you.", he whispers walking past the duty-free shops.
Me and my loneliness
Search for you in grey-black ashes
Of burnt opportunities
Selena switches off all the alarms before they even ring. She can hear the bathroom door being opened and closed. Her parents are getting ready for tahajjud. Her heavy footsteps walk her to the bathroom. Ice-cold water splashes feel more like the slaps of reality on her face. She wishes she could just put her head down in sujood and allow her prayer mat and scarf to absorb all her tears as she narrates to Allah her frustrations and problems. But she can't do so. Although, in the silence of the tahajud she sits down for five minutes.
"There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers."
She whispers verse 87 of Surah Anbiya and shuts her eyes close to calm herself down with salty tears streaming down her face. Her hands raise in the air to pray for herself, her parents, her friends, and her teacher, but this time she adds him too. Her prayers for him. Her hands tremble at the uncertainty of life and a lonely thread of love that is there holding the world from falling apart.
Her dad walking into the lounge startles her so she quickly gets on her feet and grabs her pathology handout to study lying on the dining table. But her dad instead of setting the prayer mat down for prayer pauses.
"Aariz is a good person. We do like your choice-", surprised Selena turns around. Her ears can't comprehend what her father was saying.
"I thought... you wouldn't agree.", she blinks as she turns around, "I thought you were pissed."
"If you hadn't said no...", he looks away a little embarrassed, "I would have said yes. But of course, I would have put down certain conditions."
"We respect your decision and we are happy for you.", her mom places a hand on her shoulder that makes her smile.
Just like Taylor's song goes, "And you'll come back to me and you'll come back to me."
On Monday, Selena purs her blue and black pen in her breast pocket and stares at her reflection in the elevator of Block L. She confidently walks into the exam hall glancing at Yelin beside her with a satisfying smile. Despite not knowing everything and smart guessing some answers while being blank in a few she leaves the hall after an hour. Before she leaves she tries to peak where Yelin is sitting but she can't find her. When she finally gets her hands on her mobile the first thing she wants to do is open Instagram and check for any notifications but she finds Nuha had been calling her so she calls her back.
"Come down at the reception. I have to give you something.", Nuha picks up and with this sentence, she cuts the call.
Selena's unbuttoned white coat flaps adjust the lapel and grab the heart to return it on her way back. She races down the corridors hopping down the stairs. The fog from her mask accumulating in her glasses blinds her. She is heaving for air but she doesn't care. She skids into the reception area and settles into the sofa beside her with the heart placed between them.
"What.", she heaves, "Is.", she lowers her mask, "It?"
"Do you like my brother?", Nuha inches forwards and narrows her eyes at Selena. She tries her best to exhale slowly but ends up blowing air in Nuha's face. Nuha moves away and eyes the heart enticed to pick it up.
"If he is right for me, he'll come back.", she shrugs.
"Are YOU right for him?", Nuha hisses, "Think about it when you are free.", she thrust the notebook in Selena's hand. Speechless Selena gapes at her then at the notebook.
"Do I really need therapy? That you drove all the way here to hand me this reflection journal? Am I that toxic?", Selena puts her mask back and slowly moves away from Nuha. Nuha, who had given in to her temptation, places the heart back.
One day we'll be able to walk side by side together with circumstances in our favor. But for now, let's focus on our careers.
Finally, after seven hours of flight, the plane hits the ground with brakes constantly trying its best to reduce the momentum of the moving plane with the pilot's busy parking and announcing to remain in the seats till the airplane's gates open. He is one of the last people to exit the plane surprised by the air hostesses' smiles that haven't relinquished. Taking his time tucking into his thick overcoat and muffler before climbing down into the coldness he steps out of the airport rather warm air welcomes him. Though it's not the warmth of the desert his internal thermostat has been accustomed to for almost his entire life. Yet, living here for a while he can feel it, if not warm, this air is at least less tormenting.
After half an hour of drive when he finally reaches home Aariz abandons his luggage in the room and changes into his pajamas to get some sound sleep. But then the thoughts of Selena itch him to write. So he opens the bag up and puts the canned food in the freezer, hangs the clean clothes while dumping the rest in the laundry basket. He places the perfume on the dressing table. The bag is almost empty. Just the shoes left. So he rummages but when he doesn't find it he tries not to panic and empties his backpack.
"I remember throwing it in the backpack. Then- Then what happened?", he runs his hand in his hair and drums the other hand on the wooden table with a rhythm, "Nuha came. Nuha. Nuha!!!", his eyes widen as he realizes, "She stole it."
Looking down at the mess in his room he decides to clean that up and by the time he does that he is too tired to even think of showering so he just jumps onto the bed and opens his Instagram. He opens Selena's chats and re-reads them. He types hello then deletes it. "I have reached home."
"Hello? Home? What am I doing? Ugh!", he puts his phone down for a moment and chews his lips. Home is where the heart is. He can hear her in his head.
"I'll just stalk Sapphire."
"I stole it from Aariz. You need it more than he does.", with this Nuha gets up to leave but before she walks out of the reception Selena pulls her into a hug.
"Thank you.", she whispers.
"I trust you.", Nuha whispers as she hugs her back.
Selena collapses on the couch there and opens the do marked page.
I love you - Saturday, 2022
The dark blue ink scribbled across the entire page in big bold words. She shuts it close. Her fingers wrap around the notebook as she holds it against her chest. Her eyes fixate on the pigeons snuggled together in an architectural space. The double glass door flings open with Nuha walking out of the premises. Her heart has already been burst by the eventful previous week now is the time for the words to heal her back into a better place. A place with him.
Her eyes fall on the heart.
Faux heart.
It's time to return it. She enters the anatomy lab and goes to the lab assistant to sign her name in the returned section. He motions her towards the resource room. She walks through the aisle with multiple bones organized according to the names she clutches onto the heart. She doesn't want to let go of this heart. The events play in front of her eyes like a movie reel projected on in the darkness. The skulls in one section are staring at her. As she closes her eyes and breathes in she feels her heart throbbing; announcing its existence.
Faux heart. No. The love is not dead. The heart is not fake. It had never been. She had been living in her head for too long to forget the voice of her own beating her. A smile spreads across her face. Her hands trace the right coronary artery branching from the ascending aorta after placing it on the shelf. She closes the door behind her with her heart fluttering in her chest. Her heart is not faux. Love is not dead.
The paradox and truth are concealed in the universe.
The divergence in parallels and multiverse.
But in every frame, I see me with you,
Through the meadows and gardens, we grew,
In the burning planes crashing down to ashes,
Bleeding through the scars of circumstances.
I choose you in every form, in every place.
I choose you even if these memories get erased.
She looks at the notebook with a satisfactory smile with Aariz playing in her head like a film reel she can spend the whole night watching.
"Looking for this?", Sapphire's message makes Aariz jump into a sitting position.
"What? How?", he hisses. The three dots on Selena's screen makes her smirk. She puts her mobile back in her pocket and walks out of the building for a stroll in the garden with Aariz's words echoing in her ears as she reads them out. The chiming of the mobile makes her pause under the shade. The falling leaves flutter around her setting on her shoulders while she types the text to start another chain reaction of banter.
---
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there's nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
Yeah I love 1D
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