TW: implied sexual assault, implied assault, and suicide.

slight minor manga spoilers

dearest tobio,

i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry.

by the time you get this, i will most likely, to put it bluntly, be dead.

i can't do it anymore. i tried. i really did. but i can't take it anymore. i can't take being hated on constantly for no reason. i can't take being preyed on because i'm a girl, and men think they can do whatever they please. i can't take being fucking beaten because it's the only thing they know how to do.

i'm so sorry i really am. but i just can't. i cry myself to sleep every single night wondering when the pain will fucking leave. but it never does. over and over and over again it comes back to bite me in the ass. and i can't take it anymore.

i'm so dearly sorry for being weak. you were always strong no matter what. even though you were abandoned and lost your grandpa in junior high, who was dearest to you, you still stayed strong. how do you do it? it's always a trait of yours i admired and was envious of. is it wrong for me to be jealous of my boyfriend? i don't really know haha.

honestly i'm really heartbroken that i'm leaving my mom and mai. i'm glad my sister doesn't have to always stick up for me to people who are her "friends" saying stuff about me. worrying about finding new friends, because of me. but i'm sad at the fact that both she and i can no longer have our "sister times". haha i'm going to miss messing around with her. and to my mom, i'm sorry you have to grieve yet again. first dad dying, now i'm leaving. i'm sorry, but if i see my dad i'll tell him she misses and love him haha

call me selfish, but i'm leaving for myself and because my mind keeps telling me, "hey if you leave, not only will you help those who torment the shit out of you, but you'll also be free on this wretched life you live. of this pain always creeping up on you towering over your weak, weak, self." does that make selfish for leaving for my own desires? i sure hope it doesn't haha. if someone were to tell me it was selfish i'd probably stay longer to see what life has to offer.

speaking of which, please tell the team to not worry and move on. i don't really know if they'd care, but if they do please tell them i said to not be sad and just move on. especially hitoka and kiyo. i've been best friends with hitoka since diapers, but i've also gotten really close with kiyoko. but yeah tell them they can cry about it for a week, AT MAX, then get over me and forget about me.

haha, leaving you and the team behind makes me almost want to stay and write more of these.

almost.

i really did try. i hope you know i did. but i couldn't keep up. it was too much. when did i get this vulnerable? this weak? was i always this weak? i hate being weak. maybe that's the reason why i'm doing this, so i don't have to be weak anymore.

anyway, i'm so sorry i really am, but seeing you blow up over me asking something really tipped me over the edge. and before you start feeling guilty, NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. i'm just tired and have no one to talk to, to let out my emotions to, you know? i wish i had someone to talk about it with, maybe i wouldn't be writing my last letter ever. oh well guess it doesn't really matter now.

well you better keep your promise and beat oikawa and ushijima making it to nationals, you dimwit.

now here are things i'm going to apologize to you for, simply because i feel guilty not giving you the necessary closure needed.

i'm sorry we can't go stargazing anymore.

i'm sorry i won't be able to see you grow as a strong player, and with your team.

i'm sorry i won't be able to see your's and hinata's special attack anymore.

i'm sorry i won't be there to cheer you on at your games or nationals.

i'm sorry we'll never get to take pictures together of us graduating.

i'm sorry that i'll never get to see you go pro and be on the japan national volleyball team or an amazing team.

i'm sorry we'll never get to adopt our 2 dogs, 2 cats, 5 fish, and one bird.

i'm sorry we'll never get past our second year anniversary.

i'm sorry we won't move into a cozy house together.

i'm sorry you don't get to kneel on one knee showing me a ring.

i'm sorry you won't be able to call me you fiancé.

i'm sorry you won't get to see me walking towards you beautiful white dress, vail covering my face.

i'm sorry we can't retire together.

i'm sorry that we can't grow old together, forever being in love.

i remember our first date, you took me to our special place during the nighttime, the stars were glowing so bright, it looked so beautiful against your skin. "forever and always." sorry i couldn't keep the promise.

haha shit i'm crying so much right now. it really pains me knowing i have to leave you tobi, it really does. please don't hate me for doing this. then again, if you do hate me maybe you can move on. who knows.

speaking of moving on, cry. cry as much as you need, let out all of your emotions. your anger. your sadness. let it all out. then once you're done, throw away everything you have of me, move on, and forget about me. i don't care what you have of me, whether it be a polaroid or a gift, heck even just a scent of me, get rid of it. i really want you to forget about me and get on with your life. i think it's 100% necessary, especially since i want you to succeed in your volleyball career.

although this pains me, move on and find another lover. i really don't care who they are, just make sure to treat them right. show them your affection even if you're not the best at it haha. sorry sorry that was a little uncalled for but i'm trying to lighten up the mood. oh gosh i sound so terrible.

just know that i mean it when i love you.

haha well i guess this is the end of my chapters i guess. wow that sounded so unnecessarily cliché and cringe.

just as i said hours earlier, please don't mourn, well at least for too long, i love you.

please and i mean, please don't overwork yourself and take care of yourself. guess i couldn't get to my goal. at least i made it to the halfway mark. 5/10. from the bottom of my heart, i love you.

forever and always,
y/n <3

-

i close the letter, putting it back in the box, closing the box shut, shoving it to the bottom of my bag.

she's gone.

she's actually gone.

i hug my knees close to my face trying to find comfort.

she's gone.

note: i just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and i know this is cliché but i promise things do get better. anyway drink your water and eat some food mwah<33.
04'04'21