The One Where Harry Gets a Roommate (Pilot)

SCENE 1:
CENTRAL PERK CAFE

HARRY: "There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with." (shrugging, taking a sip of his coffee)

NIALL: (eyeing Harry) "Come on. You're going out with the guy, there's gotta be somethin' wrong with him."

LOUIS: "So, does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?" (Harry rolls his eyes)

ZAYN: "Wait, does he eat chalk?" (They all stare, bemused. Zayn shrugs his shoulders) "Just 'cause I don't want him to go through what I went through with Carl—Oh!"

HARRY: "Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and—not having sex."

LOUIS: "Sounds like a date to me"

[ Time Lapse]

LOUIS: "Alright, so I'm back in High School, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria and I realise I am totally...naked!"

HARRY: (everybody laughs) "Oh yeah, I've had that dream."

LOUIS: "Then, I look down and I realise there is a phone...there..."

NIALL: (confused) "Instead of...?"

LOUIS: "That's right!"

NIALL: (shaking his head) "Oh—Never had that dream."

ZAYN: "Yeah, nope."

LOUIS: "All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring and it turns out it's my mother," (everybody chuckles and raises their eyebrows) "Which is very, very weird because..." (shakes his head with furrowed eyebrows) "She never calls me."

[ Time Lapse]
Liam arrives at the Cafe

LIAM: "Hi." (mortified)

NIALL: "This guy says 'Hello', I wanna kill myself." (jokes)

HARRY: "Are you okay, Sweetie?" (grabbing his brothers wrist)

LIAM: "I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out my mouth and tied it around my neck..."

LOUIS: "Cookie?" (asked Louis with an innocent smile on his face after Liam was done expressing how he felt)

LIAM: (glared down at Louis but Harry interrupted before he could say anything back)

HARRY: "Cheryl moved her stuff out today." (He explained for Liam)

ALL: "Oh..."

HARRY: "Let me get you some coffee."

LIAM: (nodding, taking a seat) "Thanks."

ZAYN: "Ew...Uh." (He starts to pluck at the air just in front of Liam)

LIAM: "No. Oh, no. No, don't. Stop cleansing my aura." (pushing Zayn's hands away)

ZAYN: (continuing to do it) "But—"

LIAM: "No! Leave my aura alone, okay?" (Zayn rolls his eyes but continues to do his knitting instead of cleansing Liam) "I'll be fine, all right? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy."

HARRY: "No, you don't."

LIAM: "No I don't. To hell with her. She left me."

NIALL: (shaking his head, tsking) "And you never know she was a lesbian?" (Niall goes wide eyed and puts his hands up in surrender when he notices the way Liam is looking at him)

LIAM: "No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that?"

NIALL: (gives Louis a look, both being smartasses)

LIAM: "She didn't know! How should I know?"

LOUIS: "Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian." (stops talking, reading his newspaper, looks up when everyone goes silent and leans forward) "Did I say that out loud?"

NIALL: "All right, Liam, look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is?" (Liam shrugs to Niall as Harry hands him his coffee) "Strip Joints!" (Niall exclaims as if it's obvious) "Oh, come on. You're single! have some hormones!"

LIAM: "See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just—I just, I just want to be married again." (sadly)

(The Cafe door opens and in walks a women dressed in a big wedding dress, looking distressed. Everybody turns)

LOUIS: (pointing towards the door) "And I just want a million dollars!"

HARRY: "Maya?"

MAYA: "Oh, god, Harry, Hi. Thank god." (pulling a harry in for a hug, who awkwardly hugged back) "I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said that you might be here, and you are, you are!"

WAITRESS: "Can I get you some coffee?"

HARRY: (nodding his head) "Decaf." (leading Maya over to the group sitting on the couches) "Okay, everybody, this is Maya another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody. This is Louis, and Zayn, and Niall and you remember my brother Liam?"

MAYA: "Sure!" (moving to give Liam a hug but he accidentally pushes his umbrella and it bumps her dress)

LIAM: "Sorry," (mumbles, rolling his eyes and smiling sadly at Maya who was a little stunned but nonetheless took a seat on the couch next to Liam in her wet wedding dress)

HARRY: "So, you want to tell us now or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?"

MAYA: "Oh, god." (fidgeting) "We'll it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents and I was looking at this gravy boat—This really gorgeous limoges gravy boat—When all of a sudden...Sweet and Low?"

WAITRESS: "Yes,"

MAYA: (taking the coffee from the waitresses hands) "I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat then by Barry and then I got really freaked out and that's when it hit me, how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. You know? I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but..." (hands Liam the sugar packets, silently asking him to put them in her coffee which he began to do) "Anyway, I just had to get out of there and I started wondering, 'Why am I doing this and who am i doing this for? So, anyway, I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I have drifted apart," (points hand towards Harry who is listening intensely) "But, you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city."

HARRY: "Who wasn't invited to the wedding"

MAYA: "Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue."

♡

SCENE 2:
HARRY'S APARTMENT

(Everybody is watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on)

HARRY: "Now i'm guessing that he brought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it."

LOUIS: (imitating the characters) "Tuna or egg salad? Decide!"

LIAM: (in a deep voice) "I'll have whatever Christine is having."

MAYA: (on phone) "Daddy, I just...I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!" (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair)

LOUIS: (re TV) "Oh, she should not be wearing those pants."

NIALL: "I say push her down the stairs."

ZAYN, LIAM, LOUIS AND NIALL: "Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!" (She is pushed down the stairs and everybody laughs)

MAYA: "C'mon Daddy, Listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and said, 'What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a—a purse, you know? Or a—or a hat! No, i'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha—It's a metaphor, Daddy!"

LIAM: "You can see where he'd have trouble."

MAYA: "Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe i'll just stay here with Harry."

HARRY: "Well I guess we've established who's staying here with Harry..."

MAYA: "Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!"

[ Time Lapse]

HARRY: (Maya is breathing into a paper bag) "Just breathe, breathe...that's it. Just try to think of calm nice things..."

ZAYN: (sings) "Raindrops on rose and rabbits and kittens," (Maya and Harry turn to look at him) "Bluebells and sleighbells and—something with mittens...La la la la...something with string. These are a few..."

MAYA: "I'm all better now."

ZAYN: (grins and to the kitchen where Niall and Louis are) "I helped!"

HARRY: "Okay, look, this is probably for the best, you know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole 'hat' thing."

NIALL: (comforting her) "And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Niall. Me and Louis live across the hall. And he's away a lot."

HARRY: "Niall, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!"

NIALL: "What, like there's a rule or something?"

(The door buzzer sounds and Louis gets it)

LOUIS: "Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound."

PAUL: (over the intercom) "It's, uh, it's Paul."

HARRY: "Oh god, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!"

NIALL: "Who's Paul?"

LIAM: "Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?"

HARRY: "Maybe."

NIALL: "Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?"

LIAM: "He finally asked you out?"

HARRY: "Yes!"

LOUIS: "Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment."

HARRY: "Maya, wait, I can cancel..."

MAYA: "Please, no, go, that'd be fine!"

HARRY: (to Liam) "Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?"

LIAM: (chocked voice) "That'd be good..."

HARRY: (mortified) "Really?"

LIAM: (normal voice) "No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!"

ZAYN: "What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Louis shrugs)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul)

HARRY: "Hi, come in! Paul this is..." (They are all lined up next to the door) "...everybody, everybody, this is Paul."

ALL: "Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!"

LOUIS: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?"

HARRY: "Okay, umm—umm, I'll just—I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah..."

LIAM: "A wandering?"

HARRY: "Change! Okay, sit down." (Shows Paul in) "Two seconds."

ZAYN: "Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good." (Maya gives him a funny look. Harry goes to change)

NIALL: "Hey, Paul!"

PAUL: "Yeah?"

NIALL: "Here's a little tip, he really likes it when you rub his neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red."

HARRY: (yelling from the bedroom) "Shut up, Niall!"

LIAM: "So Maya, what're you, uh...what're you up to tonight?"

MAYA: "Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!"

LIAM: "Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God...No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year...talk about your—" (thinks) "big lizards...Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Niall and Louis are coming over to help me out together my new furniture."

LOUIS: (deadpan) "Yes, and we're very excited about it."

MAYA: "Well, actually thanks, but I think i'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day."

LIAM: "Okay, sure."

NIALL: "Hey, Z, you wanna help?"

ZAYN: "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to."

SCENE 3:
THE SUBWAY

ZAYN: (singing) "Love is sweet as summer shower, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la—" (some guy gives him some change) "Thank you. (sings) "La-la-la-la...Ooh!"

SCENE 4:
LIAM'S APARTMENT

(Liam, Louis and Niall are there assembling furniture)

LIAM: (squatting and reading the instructions) "I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and—I cannot feel my legs."

NIALL: (Niall and Louis finishing assembling the bookcase) "I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here."

LOUIS: "It's a beautiful thing."

NIALL: (picking up a left over part) "What's this?"

LOUIS: "I would have to say that's an 'L'-shaped bracket."

NIALL: "Which goes where?"

LOUIS: "I have no idea." (Niall checks that Liam isn't looking and dumps it into a plant) "Done with the bookcase!"

LOUIS: "All finished!"

LIAM: (Clutching a beer can and sniffling) "This was Cheryl's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known."

NIALL: "Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here."

LOUIS: "Yes, please don't spoil all this fun."

NIALL: "Liam, let me ask you a question. She got all the furniture, the stereo, the good TV—what did you get?"

LIAM: (hesitates) "You guys."

LOUIS: "Oh, God."

NIALL: "You got screwed."

LOUIS: "Oh my God!"

SCENE 5:
A RESTAURANT

(Harry and Paul are eating)

HARRY: "Oh my God!"

PAUL: "I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when he started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?"

HARRY: "My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?"

PAUL: "Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her—"

HARRY: "—leg?"

PAUL: (laughing) "Well, that's one way! Me—I went for the watch."

HARRY: "You actually broke his watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded my boyfriend's favourite bath towel."

PAUL: "Ooh, steer clear of you."

HARRY: "That's right."

SCENE 6:
HARRY'S APARTMENT

(Maya is talking on the phone and pacing)

MAYA: "Barry, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't...it isn't, it's about me, and I jus—" (Looking down at the phone as it cuts out, dialling the number again) "Hi, machine cut me off again...anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too..." (The machine cuts her off again and she redials)

SCENE 7:
LIAM'S APARTMENT

(Liam is pacing while Niall and Louis are working on some more furniture)

LIAM: "I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!"

NIALL: "Shut up!"

LOUIS: "You must stop!" (Louis hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses)

LIAM: (deadpans) "That only took me an hour."

LOUIS: "Look, Liam, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento. You have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!

LIAM: "You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one person for everybody? I mean, what if you get one women, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her."

NIALL: "What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Liam. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky road and cookie dough, bing! And cherry vanilla. You can get 'em with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! It's the best thingto happen to you! You got married. You were like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!"

LIAM: "I honestly don't know if i'm hungry or horny."

LOUIS: "Stay out of my freezer!"

SCENE 8:
A RESTAURANT

PAUL: "Ever since he walked out on me, I, uh..."

HARRY: "What?...What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?"

PAUL: "No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation."

HARRY: "Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?"

PAUL: "Isn't there?"

HARRY: "Yeah...yeah, I think there is—What were you gonna say?"

PAUL: "Well, ever-ev...ever since he left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform." (Harry takes a sip of his drink) "...Sexually."

HARRY: (spitting out his drink in shock) "Oh God, oh God, I am sorry...I am so sorry."

PAUL: "It's okay..."

HARRY: "I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um...how long?"

PAUL: "Two years."

HARRY: "Wow! I'm—I'm glad you smashed his watch!"

PAUL: "So you still think you, um...might want that fifth date?"

HARRY: (pause) "...Yeah. Yeah, I do."

SCENE 9:
HARRY'S APARTMENT

PRIEST ON TV: "We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony."

MAYA: "Oh...see...but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!"

SCENE 10:
LIAM'S APARTMENT

(Louis, Niall and Liam all sitting around talking)

LIAM: (Scornful) "Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since i've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?"

NIALL: "Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea—Angela—Andrea...Oh man," (looks at Louis)

LOUIS: "Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats."

NIALL: "Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. (leaves the apartment)

LIAM: "Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to—to ask a woman out...who am I gonna ask? (Liam gazes out the window)

SCENE 11:
HARRY'S APARTMENT

(Maya is making coffee for Niall and Louis)

MAYA: "Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life."

LOUIS: "That is amazing."

NIALL: "Congratulations."

MAYA: "Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do."

LOUIS: "If can invade Portland, there isn't anything I can't do."

NIALL: "Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something..." (Niall and Louis taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot) "Although actually I'm really not that hungry..."

HARRY: (Entering, to himself) "Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here."

ALL: "Morning. Good morning."

PAUL: (entering from Harry's room) "Morning."

NIALL: "Morning, Paul."

MAYA: "Hello, Paul."

LOUIS: "Hi, Paul, is it?"

(Harry and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Harry's table closer to the door so they can hear)

PAUL: "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

HARRY: "Stop!"

PAUL: "No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness."

HARRY: "We'll talk later."

PAUL: "Yeah." (Harry and Paul kiss) "Thank you." (Paul leaves)

NIALL: "That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?"

HARRY: "Shut up, and put my table back."

ALL: "Okayyy!" (They all listen and put the table back in its spot)

LOUIS: "All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If i don't input those numbers...It doesn't make much of a difference..."

MAYA: "So, like, you guys all have jobs?"

HARRY: "Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff."

NIALL: "Yeah, I'm an actor."

MAYA: "Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?"

NIALL: "I doubt it. Mostly regional work."

HARRY: "Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theatre in the park."

NIALL: "Look, it was a job all right?"

LOUIS: "'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy!"

NIALL: "I will not take this abuse."(Niall walks to the door and opens it to leave)

LOUIS: "You're right, I'm sorry." (Louis then suddenly bursts into song and dance out of the door) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy!"

NIALL: "You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Louis?" (Niall starts chasing after Louis)

HARRY: "So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling."

MAYA: "I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth."

HARRY: "I know, he's just so, so...Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?"

MAYA: "Oh, yeah."

HARRY: "Well, it's like that. With feelings."

MAYA: "Oh wow. You are in trouble."

HARRY: "Big time!"

MAYA: "Want a wedding dress? Hardly used."

HARRY: "First, I would be wearing a tux and second I think we are getting a little ahead of ourselves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or I'm just gonna get up and go to work."

MAYA: "Oh, look, wish me luck!"

HARRY: "What for?"

MAYA: "I'm gonna go get one of those..." (thinks) "Job things."

HARRY: (leaves)

SCENE 12:
IRIDIUM

(Harry is working as Frankie enters)

FRANNIE: "Hey, Harry!"

HARRY: "Hey, Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?"

FRANNIE: "You had sex, didn't you?"

HARRY: "How did you do that?"

FRANNIE: "Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?"

HARRY: "You know Paul?"

FRANNIE: "Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul."

HARRY: "You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?"

FRANNIE: "Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years."

SCENE 13:
CENTRAL PERK CAFE

NIALL: (sitting on the arm of the couch) "Of course it was a line!"

HARRY: "Why?! Why?! Why, why would anybody do something like that?"

LIAM: "I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'"

HARRY: "I hate men! I hate men!"

ZAYN: "Oh, no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe."

HARRY: (ignoring Zayn) "Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?"

ZAYN: "All right, c'mere, gimme your feet." (Harry sighs and places his feet on Zayn's lap who starts massaging them)

HARRY: "I just thought he was nice, y'know?"

NIALL: (bursts into a fit of laughter) "I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!" (Harry shoves him off the couch as Maya walks into the cafe with a shopping bag)

MAYA: "Guess what?"

LIAM: "You got a job?"

MAYA: "Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today."

LOUIS: "And yet you're surprisingly upbeat."

MAYA: "You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!"

LOUIS: "Oh, how well you know me..."

MAYA: "They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!"

HARRY: "How'd you pay for them?"

MAYA: "Uh, credit card."

HARRY: "And who pays for that?"

MAYA: "Uh...my...father."

SCENE 14:
HARRY AND MAYA'S

(Everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Maya's credit cards are spread out on the table as well as a pair of scissors)

MAYA: "Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want."

HARRY: "C'mon, you can't live off of your parents your whole life."

MAYA: "I know that. That's why I was getting married."

ZAYN: "Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time."

MAYA: "Thank you."

ZAYN: "You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mum had just killed herself, and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel." (everyone was silent as he finished)

LIAM: "The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'"

HARRY: "All right, you ready?"

MAYA: "No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? 'Hey May, you ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?' Come on, I can't do this!"

HARRY: "You can, I know you can!"

MAYA: "I don't think so."

LIAM: "Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Louis slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Niall poured their coffee into it) "C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut..."

ALL: "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..." (Maya finally cuts one of them and they call cheer)

MAYA: "Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture..."

HARRY: "Maya, that was the library card!"

ALL: "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..."

LOUIS: (As Maya is cutting up her cards) "Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream." (Maya finished cutting them up and they all cheer)

HARRY: "Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!"

[Time Lapse]

(Harry, Maya and Liam are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem)

HARRY: "Well, that's it," (To Liam) "You gonna crash on the couch?"

LIAM: "No. No, I gotta go home sometime."

HARRY: "You'll be okay?"

LIAM: "Yeah."

MAYA: "Hey, H, look what I just found on the floor." (Maya holds a watch in the air to show Harry. Harry smiles) "What?"

HARRY: "That's Paul's watch. You can just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody."

LIAM AND MAYA: "Goodnight." (Harry stomps in Paul's watch as he walks into his bedroom)

LIAM: "Mmm." (Maya and Liam both reach for the last cookie) "Oh, no—"

MAYA: "Sorry—"

LIAM: "No, no, no, go—"

MAYA: "No, you have it, really, I don't want it—"

LIAM: "Split it?"

MAYA: "Okay."

LIAM: "Okay." (Liam splits the cookie in half, handing one half to Maya) "You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in High School, I had, um, a major crush on you."

MAYA: "I knew."

LIAM: "You did! Oh...I always figured you just thought I was Harry's geeky older brother."

MAYA: "I did."

LIAM: "Oh. Listen, do you think—and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here—but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?"

MAYA: "Yeah, maybe..."

LIAM: "Okay...okay, maybe I will..."

MAYA: (standing up from the couch and smiling at Liam) "Goodnight."

LIAM: "Goodnight." (Maya goes into her room and Harry enters the living room as Liam is leaving)

HARRY: "See ya...Wait, wait, what's with you?"

LIAM: "I just grabbed a spoon." (Liam leaves and Harry has absolutely no idea what that means)

SCENE 15:
CENTRAL PERK CAFE

NIALL: "I can't believe what I'm hearing here."

ZAYN: (sings) "I can't believe what I'm hearing here..."

HARRY: What? I-I said you had a—"

ZAYN: (sings) "What I said you had..."

HARRY: (To Zayn) "Would you stop!"

ZAYN: "Oh, was I doing it again?"

ALL: "Yes!"

HARRY: "I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt."

NIALL: "Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya."

LIAM: "That's an image."

MAYA: (walks up to the group with a pot of coffee) "Would anybody like more coffee?"

LOUIS: "Did you make it, or are you just serving it?"

MAYA: "I'm just serving it."

ALL: "Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee."

LOUIS: "Kids, new dream...I'm in Las Vegas." (Maya sits down to hear Louis' dream)

CUSTOMER: (To Maya) "Ahh, miss? more coffee?"

MAYA: "Ugh." (To another customer that's leaving) "Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there?" (Hands him the coffee pot) "Go ahead." (He does) "Thank you." (To the gang) "Sorry. Okay. Las Vegas."

LOUIS: "Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas...I'm Liza Minelii—"