Reviewer : Elena (neozonique)

Book : Their's

Author : rabisworld02

REVIEW CRITERIA 

Description: ⅗
In my opinion, it does its job really well. In the last paragraph you wrote, the story is summed up which gives a glimpse of the plot to the readers. I like the short poem you added in the end, really emphasized and ended the blurb with a bang, and overall it doesn't necessarily give too many spoilers away. The length is alright, but I would prefer deleting some parts so the reader doesn't take too much time going over the blurb alone. Still, there are some errors needed to be perfected in order to make this description flawless.

➷ ERROR #1
I feel like the descriptions need a more proper arrangement, the part which sums up the plot is last, in my opinion it should be first. Why? because the reader obviously needs to know the brief summary of the plot more than some random scenes or intriguing dialogues. 

➷ SUGGESTION #1
If you want to include the dialogue which is totally fine of course, it's better if you put one short catch-phrase from the story. Followed by the summary of the plot, and finally the other paragraphs containing scenes in the story.

➷ ERROR #2
There are some grammatical mistakes in the blurb: missing commas, wrong use of preposition and words.

➷ SUGGESTION #2
I'm not going to mention all of the mistakes, just some and give corrections, so you can understand where your mistake lies.

Commas :

Commas are used to give a break when the readers are reading, grammatically you know you need a comma before a conjunction, this is to connect the dependent and independent clauses.

Ex : Taehyung was going to take Yeontan for a walk, but the canine was nowhere to be found.

Some of the sentences in your blurb lack commas, it needs a break in between. To know where you can add a comma, try reading it and feel where you need to halt. That is where you need to add the comma

Cover: ⅗
I can see the graphic designer's effort to create the cover, and I really appreciate it. Does it suit the theme? yes and no. Jungkook's tattoo edit, Jimin holding a gun and Taehyung's dark vibes goes well with the plot of the story. The only thing that makes it looks odd, is the contrast between all the characters placed in the story.

➷ SUGGESTION #1
Go to an editing app, and make sure to lower down the brightness of each of the members in the cover. Adjust the contrast and make sure it's dark enough to suit the vibe. I personally use ibispaint x to edit, there's a feature called " Color Balance " in the filter section, where you can modify the cutouts to fit each other.

➷ SUGGESTION #2
Add the shadow and lighting to give it more depth, it also adds the dark vibe which would enhance the mafia essence of the story.

➷ SUGGESTION #3
The text placement in this cover is what troubles me the most, it needs to be centered and the font should be altered. I suggest you go to dafont and type in horror / dark fonts, there are multiple fonts that you can choose from. Also please delete the text below the title, where it says date of release and all. The information is unnecessary, and you can easily include it in the description. It's to make the cover less crowded and simpler to the reader's eye.

Title: ⅖
It's easily too common, there are many stories with the same titl, and it definitely wouldn't capture my attention at first glance. There is also a mistake in the spelling, it should be theirs not their's.

It's the same as you're and your, in this context you're is short for you are and your means of belonging. 

There doesn't mean anything in this case, but judging from the direction of the plot I believe you meant to use it for belonging. Thus, it should be theirs.

➷ SUGGESTION #1
Either correct your mistake or change the title. I myself am not good at making titles, but there are plenty of authors out there, or simply with the help of Google can help you decide on a better one. My suggestion would be changing it to " Love Thirsty " bloodthirsty means cruel, in this case if you change it to Love Thirsty it means the desire to obtain love. 

First impression: ⅖
It's mostly because of the title, it's the first thing that the reader looks at when deciding whether or not to read the story. Misspelling in the title is a fatal mistake, it costs you your reader's attention and it gives off a bad impression. The cover is alright, I still would change it; the blurb is almost perfect, with just a little arrangement and it would be flawless.

Readers Interaction: 10/10
The story isn't halfway yet, but seeing the amount of votes and comments that the readers have left. They sure are interested, and are wanting for more which indicates that there is engagement.

Story plot: 6/10
I wouldn't say it's common, but I also can't admit that it's one of a kind. It gives me similar vibes to books I have read before. Especially the part where Jin is kidnapped by the maknae line, it's an overused plot that I have encountered in almost every mafia genre book. But at the ending of chapter 5 it is hinted that they are perhaps vampires, so that may add a twist. Again, the story isn't completed yet which gives me hope that it will take a turn and reveal something unexpected, something that would differentiate your writing from millions of others out there.

I want to mention something really important though, and that is the general content of this book. Please, give a trigger warning before a chapter that contains sensitive content. I see that you have given warning in the description, but it's always better to add one before the scenes too. This book contains a lot of scenes related to s*xual ass*ult, like when the maknae line forcefully touched Jin and how Tae kissed him without his permission. For readers who have gone through similar things it might be triggering and sensitive to them. Which is why, it's always important for authors to add tws before the start of the story. I know this might be controversial but it's never alright to romanticize s*xual ass*ult, which is why I refrain myself from reading this type of writing. I just hope that in the end somehow you'll make the maknae line change and create a relationship / bond between Jin and the three of them as something out of love and not force.

Plot twist: 3/10 

So far, I haven't noticed any shocking twist that would completely alter the story's plot, though I appreciate your effort in trying to make the chapter's endings somehow mysterious. It's a really good thing to place mysterious cliffhangers, it creates suspense and tension, not to mention that it excites the readers to find out what happens next. 

Grammar: 4/10

The use of tense is consistent which is an improvement, you should be proud of yourself for that! You were really careful this time and it shows that you are trying your best!

Now let's get to some of the problems, I have to admit grammar is a difficult aspect to master. I lack in this area too, but I'm still going to point out some mistakes for you, so as an author you can improve!

➷ ERROR #1
The simplest mistake that most authors make, spelling errors and typos. I noticed some mishaps in the first chapter. 

" Seokjin, where is your finance? "

Here of course the mistake is evident, you mistook fiance as finance. I've gone through most of the chapters and noticed similar mistakes to what I've mentioned above.

➷ SUGGESTION #1
The basic rule for every author after publishing a chapter, proofreading and revising it. Adding and deleting some parts which are not needed, and editing some typos and spelling mistakes.

➷ ERROR #2
The 2nd mistake lies in the dialogue, and its formatting. Remember, if the dialogue is followed by an action tag ( meaning an action is done after ) always add a comma ( , ) 

" I didn't expect you guts to do this, this early "  The trio heard a voice…

Heard is an action, therefore it should be followed by a comma. I would also like to reedit that following sentence, since if you notice there are spelling mistakes. 

" I wouldn't have expected that you have the guts to do this, especially this early, " The trio heard a voice…

Here I added some extra words and changed the form of didn't to wouldn't have expected, it suits the context better especially if it's paired with guts.

➷ ERROR #3
Wrong use of prepositions. Prepositions are used to describe or show a certain time, location or condition. Let's take a look at your mistake below!

Jimin slowly dug in and trailed his nose sensually on seokjin's neck, Making shivers crawl on his spine.

 
The mistakes here: dig is present tense, the past tense is dug. Both of the prepositions are used wrongly (on). Trailing means moving to follow a certain path, yes on is right but when it involves a certain movement, wouldn't it be precise if the preposition down is added instead of on? Lastly, Seokjin is a proper noun, thus it needs to be capitalized.

Here's the final version of the paragraph above after edited:

Jimin slowly dug and trailed his nose sensually down Seokjin's neck. Making shivers crawl down his spine. 

➷ SUGGESTION #2
To make sure that the tense used is consistent, try using an automatic correcting app like Grammarly or Google Docs. It does all the work for you, and you don't need to spare much time revising your grammar.

➷ ERROR #3
What made my hand spin like crazy when reading this book is how messy the formatting is. Some paragraphs are way too long, the dialogues are jammed together making it harder for me to read. 

Here is an example:
"Namjoon is right, you clearly are
jameless, Jimin?" Jungkook said and
hissed when he got a whack on his head
by none other then Jimin. Who glared
at his partner and inhaled a long puff of
cigarette. "Me and namjoon hyung are
older then you, show some honorifics...
You brat" Jimin said. Jungkook snickered
at this and signed the contract.
"Seriously, his own finance gave him to
us for whole night and its just 6 hours,we spent with him and you already
dropped him at his house" Taehyung
whined like a child.

It's messy and long, readers would find it hard and boring if they have to go through the same thing in every single chapter.

➷ SUGGESTION #3
Make sure to press enter or add a space between each dialogue.

Using the same paragraph above, here's how it looks like:

"Namjoon is right, you clearly are
jameless, Jimin!" Jungkook said and
hissed when he got a whack on his head
by none other than Jimin. Who glared
at his partner and inhaled a long puff of
cigarettes.

 "Me and Namjoon hyung are
older than you, show some honorifics...
You brat!" Jimin said. Jungkook snickered
at this and signed the contract.

"Seriously, his own fiance gave him to
us for whole night,it's been only 6 hours, since we spent time with him and you already
dropped him at his house?" Taehyung
whined like a child.

It looks clearer and neater right? I also noticed some mistakes in the paragraph above, instead of using then, use than to compare two things. Namjoon needs capitalization and the question mark in the first dialogue doesn't fit, an exclamation mark would suit the tone more.

Emotions and feel: 5/10
I gave this half a point since there were some moments where I was genuinely consumed by horror and extreme worry every time the maknae line came up and devoured Seokjin as if he was a prey. But do I feel Seokjin's fear? Do I somehow pity him enough? Sadly, I haven't been getting that response from your writing. At least you made an effort to show how uncomfortable he was by the constant stuttering (though I feel like he stutters too much) and his defensive actions towards their touch. Again, this story is still ongoing meaning it leaves you much room for improvement. 

➷ SUGGESTION #1
My advice here is to make one chapter or more, in Seokjin's and the maknae line's pov. This is to describe how he feels, his constant agony and pain being in their captive. You can also use this chance to add the maknae line's point of view, how they really think of Seokjin. Here, you can even create a character development for them. Since we've only been getting a 3rd point of view of things, we don't know if the maknae line feel guilty or have any particular reason behind their actions. If delivered properly, that could be an outstanding character development and it would increase the quality of your fanfiction!!

Character Development: 1/10 
The problem with an ongoing story is that reviewers like me would find it difficult to pinpoint and decide if the characters have somehow evolved, given the amount of chapters provided. Being frankly honest, the maknae line here are terrible people. I hate their character and personality (in this fanfiction of course), so by the end of this story I hope somehow you'll pull something off and change my mind. Create a character development worthy of them being deemed as better people. I'm not a big fan of Seokjin's personality either, it's the stereotypical beauty with feisty personality that attracts every man on the planet. Believe me I've come across characters like this a gazillion times. I still have hope that this story will take a turn though. I look forward to seeing a better version of these characters.

Way of writing: 6/10
Your way of writing is what I expect from a wattpad writer, it's better than average which is nice! Though it would have been better if you could correct all the typos, add some commas and spacing between the dialogues. Your writing has yet to move my heart and make me feel different types of emotions too. But hey, I'm not a perfect author myself, heck I still have so many things I need to work on and so many mistakes in my writing. And it's normal of course, I just encourage you to keep on trying and to improve because I'm sure with a little more effort your writing will be in the level of immaculate. 

Overall: 6/10 
I see you have potential, really. Your writing is not bad, but you can do even more with a better plot and a little bit of improvement. Proofread all your chapters and edit all the mistakes, it may be tiring but it's what an author has to do in order to produce an amazing work. 

Total: 51/100

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