.・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.

The concept of death was something that you might think was a regular concept in a world as cruel as the one that they were living in. That surviving meant going numb to the bodies.

After a while, Stella lost count of the people that she lost around her. Funerals and mourning became a daily occurrence. But she had leaned to adjust and get back up after the deaths of her friends and the members of the group. It didnt mean that she didnt care. Surviling simply limited her time to mourn and forced her to rise and fight, the daily struggle of trying to live to see another day.

But over time, surviving wasn't a victory anymore. It became a sentence and a cure having to watch the losses around her. Having to watch the people she loved the most be torn apart, shot, bitten. Having to hold hands that went cold and rigged in her own. Having to watch chests rising for one last time. Having to pull the tigger that would bring the life out of someone.

Then there was the after math. The after math when the sun rises and the wind howls away the night. The after math where you wake up, still breathing and that was the real punishment. Waking up and sentenced to go on and simply survive.

When Stella woke up the next morning after just mere scattered hours of sleep that night, she opened her eyes to the real nightmare. She was alive, but not really. Her chest felt hollow, her hands felt useless and her eyes sore and painful. But she was still alive. And nothing had ever stung to hard in Stellas chest.

It wasn't the heroism that carried the girl through the inferno that the downfall fo the earth had left behind. It wasn't the hope of a cure or the noble courage. It was the sacrifices that had led her to where she was that made her open her eyes every morning and close them every night. It was the fading images of the people she once loved's faces in her mind that gave her the strength to draw each breath. It was the distant ringing sound of their voices that pushed her to endure the daily fight of survival.

She lived for them. She lived and breathed when they couldnt and she swore to herself that she was going to keep do it when they lay buried.

She buried Ellie beside Beth - her grave a little smaller than her older sisters. The sight was excruciating. Stella folded over, her knees crashing against the ground as she was shoving the dirt onto the white sheet that covered Ellies frame. She clutched to the pile of dirt, her fingers curling as if it was the only thing keeping her together. Her vision blurred, the tears burning at her eyes.

Ellie was careless. She always drove the group to madness with her stupid jokes and silly pranks. She would always risk her life for the dumbest items, a bag of skittles, a comic book, a pair of ugly glasses or a ugly shirt with inappropriate images on them. While everyone was surviving, she was living. Even in an post apocalyptic world did she live every day to the fullest, and she filled everyones lives with even the slightest bit of hope. She never failed to see the best in people or put smiles on everyones faces with her stupid jokes and dumb activities.

She was the light, in the dark abyss of death and destruction. Ellie was everything, now buried to nothing but a fading memory with a wooden cross. As if it really mattered. It would get crushed by a passing walker or snapped by the wind. In one way or another it would get mutilated and forgotten.

That was the thing with death. Stella lived so that the people she had lost wouldn't get forgotten. because when someone died a wooden cross or a letter didnt matter. It was only a reminder that the person had passed. The only thing keeping them alive was the memory and the personal footprint that they had left behind. Every laughter, every joke, every tear and every sacrifice. But as time passed, the laughter would die out, their voices would distort and memories would fade. Soon their faces were blurred and dissolved to the point where you couldnt recognize them. Their features faded leaving you to drive yourself mad, trying to piece them together.

______

They were forced to keep going, driven mainly by survival than purpose. They had no water, no food, no veichle and no destination. The relentless sun bore down on them, sweat tracing slow paths down their dust-streaked skin, making each step more grueling than the last.

Stella wandered quietly with Beths jacket wrapped around her despite the unbearable heat, her hand shoved into the pocket letting her fingers occasionally brush over the letter inside it. She still hadn't read it. It had been two weeks of mindless walking and she still hadn't dared to touch it, it felt too final.

The group split up throughout their journey, scavenging the areas around them. After another exhausting day of walking under torturing sun, they separated to desperately look around. Stella and Levi wandered silently through the woods, their fingers clutched around their weapons. Neither spoke—words felt like a luxury when even standing required all their strength.

An unspoken tension hung in the air between them. They hadnt exchanged more than a few words over the past days. A quiet tension wove between them, unspoken but thick in the air. They had barely exchanged words in days. Levi gave her space to grieve, understanding that she needed solitude, but he also knew that pain left to fester could swallow a person whole. He wanted to be there for her, but every attempt was met with distance. She pushed him away, retreated into herself, unwilling to show her sorrow.

He had known Stella for long enough to understand that she didnt want to show vulnerability like that. He knew her tendency to bury emotions, flee fled from them or dealt with them silently which also meant that every suppressed tear could come crashing over her at any moment.

The air was thick with heat and the earthy smell lingered over them as the remains of another day fading. As they trudged forward, they suddenly stopped in unison, their gazes locking on the car parked in a part of the forest where the trees began to thin out. The area seemed still but as they slowly approached the veichle it became obvious that someone had been there recently.

The two exchanged a nod before creeping closer with their weapons aimed in front of them. They circled the car cautiously before meeting in the back. Stella pushed the tailgate door open as Levi stood ready to fire a shot at whatever could be hiding inside. The pair let out a relived sigh at the sight of stacked cans of food and jugs of water. Their stomachs growled and quickly they lunged for the supplies without hesitation, stuffing it in their bags.

"Here," Levi said, his voice soft as he held out a granola bar. Stella barley looked up from the food before shaking her head. The boy exhaled heavy and inched closer to her. "Take it."

"I don't want it." She said without tearing her attention from the cans.

Levi breathed out heavily again. "Stella, you're starving."

The girl finally stopped and looked up at him. "So is everyone else." She took the bar from his hands and shoved it into her bag. "We're sharing everything fairly."

Before either of them could say anything, they froze at the clicking sound behind them.

"That doesn't belong to you." A woman's voice said.

Stella stopped instanly, her hand hovering over one of the cans. She slowly turned her head up to Levi.

"Turn around, arms in the air." The woman demanded behind them. Levi slowly released the water jug from his hands and lifted them as he turned around. Stella stalled, her hands lingering over the cans. Her family needed food. Judith would starve without it. Al of them would.

"Turn around or I put a bullet between his eyes!"

Stella flinched. Finally, she raised her arms in the air, turning around slowly to face the barrel of a gun, pointed at their faces. An older woman stood before them, her face weathered by time, gray hair wild, skin streaked with dirt. But the grip on her weapon was firm and her expression unwavering.

"That food is mine." She took a step closer to them, her gun remaining aimed at their faces.

Levi subtly shifted closer to Stella. "We didnt know." He said carefully. "We wouldn't have touched it if we knew it belonged to you. But please-" He breathed, the sound almost desperate. "We're starving. We just needed-"

"I don't care what you needed." Her voice was firm and the grip on her gun only tightened. "Drop the bags and your weapons and I might let you live."

"M'am... Please. We're stravi-"

"I said, put the bags down." She moved closer to the pair. Levi swallowed hard, his jaw tightening as he slowly lowered his backpack to the ground. He reached for the weapons in his holster slowly, glancing over at Stella who remained still in her spot with her eyes plastered on the barrel of the gun in front of her.

"Stella," The boy whispered but she didnt move a muscle. Almost as if she hadn't heard him. The woman in front of them shifted her aim directing it straight at Stella.

"Drop the damn bag before I do something I'm gonna regret." The woman bit out.

Stella's breath hitched. Her features didnt betray anything. No a single sign of fright or desperation. She looked almost accepting. Her fingers curled tighter around the strap of her backpack as if she was trying to keep it in her possession just a little longer. She couldnt give up on the only food they had seen in weeks. The one thing that could help her family from starving.

"Stella," Levi urged. He took a step closer and the woman instantly redirected her weapon at him.

"Don't." 

"Please." His chest rose and sank rapidly. "Don't do this."

For a moment time stopped. Levi could hear his heartbeats drumming in his ears as each second passed where the woman's weapon was pointed at Stella. Her finger hovered near the trigger, as if one squeeze wouldn't mean the actual end of the world for the boy beside her. The elder tore her eyes from the Grimes girl, glancing over her shoulder. The two teenagers had taken merely half of the food that had been stacked in there. Her gaze trailed between the two and the flickered down to their bags. She then examined Stella's frame, up and down. "You look worse than me." Then, as if making some quiet decision, she exhaled deeply. "Take one of the bags and leave."

Levi hesiated for just a moment, his eyes scanning her face as he tried to determine if she wasn't just trying to trick them. Her expression didnt waver.

He kicked his bag toward the woman and joined up next to Stella without letting the woman out of his sight. She lowered her gun just an inch and Levi instantly took off. He snatched Stellas hand and dragged her away from the vehicle, grabbing the backpack from her as they ran, tossing it over his shoulder.

They didn't stop running until the car had long vanished from sight—until their lungs burned and their legs nearly gave out beneath them. Levi braced a hand against a tree, his chest heaving, while Stella leaned against another, her head tilting back as she dragged in sharp, uneven breaths.

"What the hell was that?" Levi pushed off the tree, marching at her. Stella's eyes fluttered open, meeting his with a quiet, unreadable stare.

The boy let out a frustrated breath, his muscles tensing. "Stella," His voice was out of breath but still sharp. "She was threatening to kill us. She had a gun pointed at your head, and you almost...." He cut himself off, his jaw locking. "....let her."

Stella huffed out. "I didn't let her-."

"It sure as hell looked like you did." Levi snapped back. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Stella shook her head and sighed deeply. "I was thinking about Judith. About Carl. Everyone back there are starving, Lev. I was thinking about the group."

"You think that's better? Another funeral?" The boy muttered, a humorless scoff leaving his lips.

"We needed that food, Levi."

"Yeah, well I need you. Alive." His words came rough, almost desperate. Stella met his gaze, and for the first time in days, she saw something crack beneath his usual guarded exterior. Something raw and unspoken, casting a shadow over his features, his eyes glassy. "I can't.. Fuck" He took a step closer to her, his voice cracking just slightly. "I can't loose you too."

Stella swallowed hard, her chest tightening at his words. She could see actual fear in his eyes. A shaky breath shuddered from her lips as she fought against the burn of oncoming tears. "You won't, Levi."

The boy inched closer to her again, his hands lifting but hesitating just before touching her face, as if afraid she might pull away. But she didn't. She stared up at him with eyes that glossed in the  golden light of the descending sun.

Levi cupped her face and the girl felt a small tremble in his hands. "Promise me." A shaky breath left his lips. "Promise me, Stella. Whatever it is you talk to me. You don't stare into the eyes of death like that."

She swallowed deeply, her tongue going momentarily dry. "I promise." She said weakly.

"You're all I have left in this world." He inched closer, the proximity of their bodies smaller than it had been for weeks. "I can't loose you, ever."

Stella slithered her fingers around his wrists as he was holding her face with his breath dancing against her skin. She angled her face further up, her lips threatening to part with words she couldn't quite find. Instead, a small, tired smile pulled at the corners of her mouth.

An relived exhale escaped his lips and he leaned her head forward, to press a lingering kiss on her forehead. "Gosh, Stella.." He panted and titled his own head down, letting the pair rest their foreheads against one another, breaths mingling in the space between them."I love you. So much."

The girl could hear a crack in his voice, and slowly, she slid her hands up his arms, clasping them behind his neck as she whispered. "I love you too, Lev." She breathed out.

Levi captured Stella's lips in a gentle and long awaited kiss, squeezing his eyes shut in a attempt to make the moment last longer. But the moment they pulled away, they were back to reality. The bitter, bitter reality.

"Come on, let's show the group what've found." The boy tugged the backpack over his shoulder again and placed his free hand on Stella's lower back to guide her out of the forest.

They reached the group, greeting them with the stacks of food. Stella and Glenn were in charge of splitting it and counting it. It soon became clear that while the food was a blessing, it was also not enough. Barley one can per person.

Stella sat beneath the shade of a tree, seeking refuge from the relentless sun. In her lap, Judith nestled comfortably, giggling as she nibbled on an oat bar. The younger girl chewed loudly at the small pieces that her sister feed her, her fingers curled around her shirt. Judith's eyes were droopy with exhausting yet she smiled.

Stella mirrored her expression, watching her closely. All her life, Stella had been told that she was the biggest foodie as a child and her heart ached thinking about the contrast between herself and Judith who had to go hungry for days. She would never know the ease of a full belly without worry. Hunger had become as familiar to her as breathing, a cruel constant in her young life.

The older sister smiled softly at the girl in her lap, brushing the few strands of hair on her head back. "Yummy, right?"

Judith blinked up at her sleepily, smacking her lips. Then, in a tiny, barely-there voice, she mumbled, "Lummy."

Stella froze. Her breath caught in her throat, eyes widening as the weight of that single word settled over her. Around them, the quiet murmur of conversation ceased, the others pausing mid-bite, their attention drawn to the small miracle that had just unfolded.

"Did she just-" Carl scooted closer to them, his can of peaches momentarily forgotten in his lap.

The toddler yawned, resting her head against her sister's chest, completely unaware of the  moment she's just created.

Rick kneeled down in front of them and Stella looked up at him with a bright and stunned smile. "Did you hear that?" she asked, her voice hushed with awe as she ran a comforting hand over Judith's head, cradling her closer.

"I did hear that." Rick grinned his eyes glowing with pride at the sight of his two daughters.

Judith's fingers, once curled tightly into Stella's shirt, loosened as she drifted further into sleep, her tiny breaths warm against her sister's chest. Stella pressed a kiss to the top of her head, inhaling the faint, familiar scent of her. Holding her a little tighter, she whispered, "My big girl."

Her gaze lifted, meeting her father's, and in that moment, amidst all the struggle and scarcity, pride bloomed across her face. It was a fleeting moment of joy, of love untouched by the world's cruelty, a reminder that even here, in the midst of loss, there was still something worth holding onto.

____

Their food didnt last very long. They tried to ration with the little that they had however only three days later, they stood empty handed again. This didnt stop them from moving. Along their journey they found some food here and there but never enough to quell the ache in their stomachs. Another week passed and they stopped on the side of the road, splitting up yet again to go look for food.

Stella walked a few steps behind Daryl, with her fingers wrapped around her bow. The man in front of her crept quietly deeper into the forest, his crossbow aimed in front of him. The two hadnt gone hunting like that since the prison.

Something about the silence that hung over them went beyond the carefulness of trying to not scare the animals away. They hadn't spoken much since they left the hospital. Stella knew that Daryl was hurting. He really cared about Beth, in ways he didn't do with most people. Levi had told her all about their time together after the fall of the prison. They had grown really close and Daryl had been really broken after they separated.The younger girl trailed behind him, quiet as a shadow. She'd learned from him well—how to step lightly, how to move without making a sound and how to cover their own tracks.

Their stomachs were empty, gnawing at their insides like something alive. Three days. Three days with nothing but a handful of berries and a few sips of water from a muddy stream. Daryl could hear the exhaustion in Stellas breathing. The sun was still beating down on them, making them sweat through their clothes even in the coverage of the trees.

Just as it felt like all hope was lost and every animal in the area seemed to have vanished off the face of the earth, daryl stopped in his tracks. He raised his hand, brining Stella to a halt. She took a slow step toward him, silently treading up to see what it was that he had spotted. She crouched behind some bushes, seeing the deer from afar. It was small, but big enough to keep the group going for a few more days.

Stella almost held her breath as she watched it closely, drinking from the creek. Daryl carefully raised his crossbow, steadily pointing it at the animal. Just as he held it steadily aimed at the animal's head, another sound tore through the silence in the forest. Stella's stomach growled.

The deer instantly snapped it head up and bolted away before either of them could even react. Daryl fired an arrow and the animal wailed out as it hit it in the leg. However that didnt stop it. The pair blinked and suddenly it was out of sight, leaving only a few specks of blood on the leaves.

"Shit," Daryl cursed.

Stella let out a heavy breath and bit the inside of her lip. Daryl muttered out yet another curse and adjusted the strap of his crossbow before he began following the blood trail. The blonde followed closely behind.

"Sorry." She mumbled.

"You're hungry. Ain't nothing to be sorry for." He muttered without looking back on her.

"Yeah, well now everyone will go hungry for even longer because of it." Stella said.

"Don't beat yourself up over it. You've been out here scavenging the most out of everyone."

"That's not true." The girl breathed.

"When was the last time you slept?" His voice was firm. Stella could barley remember the last time she got a full night of sleep. Or even more than a few hours.

The girl let a unbothered shrug touch her shoulders. "Doesn't matter. It's not like you're sleeping either."

Daryl slowed down in his steps just a little but he still didn't look back on her. "You talk too damn much." He breathed out, the tension and harness in his voice drifting slightly, replaced with an undertone of playfulness.

"Yeah, well you dont talk enough." The girl huffed out, a smirk tugging at her lips.

Daryl snorted out a short chuckle before finally looking back at her. He motioned his head at a small trail leading further west into the forest. "This way. And make sure your stomach shuts up this time."

Stella smiled and her gaze dropped down on the blood marked leaves. She tightened her grip on her bow, nodding before following him.

_______

Daryl and Stella didnt find the injured deer. Instead they returned home with some berries and a squirrel which was shared between the three kids - Carl, Judith and Melissa.

The sun sank behind the horizon and the group settled behind a hill, laying under the summer night sky. Stella lay with Beth's jacket wrapped around her, her head resting on Levi's chest. Moving up and down along with every slow breath, she stared up at the stars, creating patterns over her. Her fingers grazed the letter in her pocket, folding and unfolding it, telling herself that she wasn't ready.

But she might never be.

She sucked in a deep and shaky breath, shifting on the grass surface. She pulled her hand out of her pocket and turned and twisted again.

She sucked in a deep breath and finally lifted her head, sitting up. She dragged her face through her hands feeling the sweat that beaded her forehead.

"Hey," Levi whispered, his hand resting carefully on her lower back. "Are you okay?"

Stella tugged her hair behind her ears and swallowed before turning to face him with a quick smile. "Yeah. I'm just gonna walk for a bit."

Levi scooted himself up to his elbows, his eyes searching hers. "Then let me come with you."

The girl shook her head and smiled softly. "No," I breathed. "I won't go far." She leaned up to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Go back to sleep."

His features tightened with hesitation before he finally breathed out heavily. "Don't go far."

Stella shook her head and stood up. She wandered up the hill, the dirt smudging under her feet. She had to hold onto the trees to assist herself upward as her body was too exhausted to move properly on it's own.

She sank down by a fallen tree, resting her back against it. Her hand found its way into her pocket and she let out a shaky breath as she tilted her head up, letting her eyes fall shut at the contact of her fingertips against the paper. She took a moment before tugging it out.

Her throat tightened as she read her name, written in that familiar hand writing. She ran her thumb over it, tracing the letter before swallowing the lump that made her breath ragged.

Finally, she unraveled it along with the stream of tears that came with it.

Dear Stella.

It felt lame and old school to say Dear Stella so this is what you get. Plus the drawing.

I don't really know what to say here. There too much to say really, but my time is limited. When you're reading this, Im probably already gone. Ill be at peace. I remember when dad used to say that, that he wasn't scared to die because he knew he'd be at peace. I never understood that. To me, death was always something terrifying, something dark and cold and empty. But now... now I get it. It's not scary, not anymore.

Im not scared now, Stella. I know you being you, you'll probably try to blame yourself for what happened to me. But the truth is, this was never your fault. It was my choice. I went into that forest knowing what I was doing. I wanted this. And I know that might sound awful, but for me, it's a kind of freedom. I get to see Dad again. I get to see Beth. Mom. Lori. I won't be running anymore. I won't be scared. I'll be at peace.

I remember the first time I saw you, Stella. You were running up to the farm, Rick by your side carrying Carl after his accident. You were so scared and worried. But you were so strong. Stronger than I think you even realized. I told you even then that I would've never been able to be as strong as you were, and I still believe that. I've watched you survive things that would've broken anyone else. I've watched you keep going when everything inside you was screaming to stop. I've spent so much of my time trying to be just like you, trying to hold on the way you do. Ive always told myself to be as strong as Stella. And I know you'll be just as strong after this. You'll make it, you'll survive and ill be looking down on you your whole journey.

Ive had older sisters all my life. And I always thought that family was by blood. That the only people who truly mattered were the ones you were born into. But meeting you, made me realize that family is so much more than that. You showed me that family isn't just who you're related to—it's the people who stand beside you no matter what. Its the people who are there for you, who help you and love you through everything. Even through the pain and the misery that the world has left us in. And Stella youve been there for me and im beyond grateful for that.

The truth is, I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't live like this anymore. Every day felt heavier, like I was drowning with no way back up. And I know, I know—you're probably cursing me out right now, calling me a coward. Maybe I am. Maybe I took the easy way out. But I hope that one day, when you think about me, you don't just remember this. I hope you remember the good things too. I hope you remember the nights in our cell block where we stayed up giggling till the ass crack off dawn and used to pull those stupid pranks on the newcomers from Woodsbury that we didnt like. I hope you remember the times when we would rant about boys and play tinder with the walkers outside the fences.

I hid from you, beacuse I didnt want our last moments to be you grieving me. Because as cheesy as it sounds, ill never fully be gone. Ill be by your side always. Beth and I will be watching you, laughing at your stupid dad jokes (because, let's be real, only you think they're funny), crying with you when you're hurting, cheering for you when Levi finally gets the balls to propose. We'll be right there when you become the leader I know you're meant to be. We're not leaving you, Stella. We're not that easy to get rid of.

I know im speaking for both me and Beth when I ask you to take care of Maggie for us, okay?  And if Glenn ever so much as thinks about hurting her, I'm giving you full permission to slap his ass all the way back to Atlanta. Same goes for Levi.

ake care of Judith. Kiss her every night for me. And tell her stories about Beth. She loved Judith like she was her own, and her biggest dream was to get children of her own one day.

You mean the world to me, Stella. More than I ever had the chance to say. You were my best friend. My sister. My home.

And I love you. Always.

A pair of warm arms wrapped around her and she didnt have to look up from the letter that she cradled in her lap, to see who it was. The familiar scent and gentle touch revealed that it was Levi who sank down next to her, pressing her against him, allowing her to shatter against his shoulder. He didnt say anything, just sat there in silence which Stella was grateful for because no words could be enough. No words could heal the everlasting ache.

_____ ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ _____
𝟓𝟎𝟑𝟔 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬
_____ ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ _____

𝐀/𝐍
I don't like this