As a part of what Frank had named my catharsis, he introduced me to new forms of art, especially music and literature.

I discovered punk rock with him, and a lot of bands I had never heard of before. It was such a fascinating sub-culture, yet I felt like very few people knew about it.

I spent the rest of the day with Frank before I finally came back to my house. The next morning, I earned myself a hangover and a pain in my jaw from a slap in the face for having dyed my hair without my genitor's permission.

I didn't know black hair dye were forbidden by my parents' law. They didn't say a word to Mikey for dying his hair black, nor did they mind when I dyed mine blonde.

Speaking of Mikey, he basically pounced on me as soon as he saw me. He looked a little shocked by my appearance - I mean, just like everybody else.

My brother's face was hard to decipher. I couldn't see why my new fashion bothered him though, since we now had a roughly similar one. Mikey's hair was dyed a dark brown, mine was black. I applied pale concealer; he wore eyeliner. I might be mopey, but Mikey and his poker face clearly couldn't reproach it to me.

I dodged all his questions about Frank and me. I knew how powerful Mikey's hatred toward Frank could be, so I lied and simply asserted that we had met at the cemetery, and I spent the night at his house because it was raining.

I hesitated to tell Mikey about Helena. I wished Frank had told me the truth right away, then again, I couldn't help but think about all these blessed times when I thought that Helena was still alive.

Those happy memories urged me not to tell Mikey that Helena had died a year ago. He knew Helena was dead anyway. There was no need to add the worries of that morbid mystery to the pain and grief he was going through, just like me.

I didn't go to school with Mikey. I got up and left the house a little earlier to meet Frank so we could spend a bit of time together before walking to school.

With him by my side, I entered the building in what felt like slow motion. The main entrance swallowed all the students as though it was a black hole.

I felt a little self-conscious about my appearance, not because it didn't feel right, but because of what people would think of me wearing those outfits. I wanted to dress that way that and be different, but not be judged negatively because of it - if that makes any sense.

That was a somewhat paradoxical and naive reasoning because it is pretty obvious that people dislike whatever is different from them.

Frank made me feel better about myself, though. I wasn't alone, which was all I needed to know. He was by my side, ready to support me whenever. He knew how I felt and how to fix me.

Frank and I had to part way because we had classes on different floors. I doodle his face in my notebook during English class. It wasn't a subject I was ever interested in anyway.

Finally, the bell of freedom rang, and I left the classroom without having learned a thing. I took a deep breath as though I had been holding for the whole class. I started looking for Frank to go get lunch with him, but instead I was found by Lindsey.

"Hi Gerard," she said, grabbing my arm gently. "You... You dyed your hair," she pointed out.

"How observant," I attempted to joke, but my voice got dulled by the remorse caused by the making out session with Frank behind her back. My remark sounded sarcastic, yet it wasn't intended.
"Thank you for covering for me, by the way," I added.

"No problem. I know how harsh your dad can get on you. Oh, and by the way, I wanted to tell you again how sorry I was for your loss. I know it's been hard on you. I'm here for you if you need me, alright?" Lindsey said. I stopped walking, and so did she.

"Thanks. But Helena died a long time ago. She's been dead for a year now, Lin."

Lindsey looked shocked at the revelation, but not exactly for the reason I thought. "You- you remember?" she breathed out.

I shrugged. "I remember what's important. For example, my coma didn't last a year but a week, and that I forgot an entire year of my existence."

My girlfriend was agape. "And... Are you going to retrieve your memories?"

"I already retrieved most of them," I simply said, a bit carelessly. Lindsey eyed me from head to toe worriedly. Something was bugging her - the both of us, in fact. I was missing something.

Then I recalled everything Frank had told me about Lindsey and me. I finally realized what was bothering me.

"Lindsey, before my accident, we..." I said thoughtfully, connecting the dots as I spoke. "When I came back from the hospital, why didn't you tell me that we had broken up? Why did you act like we were still together?"

Lindsey fiddled with her sleeves anxiously. "Well, I- I didn't really get the chance to tell you. You came up to me and directly kissed me. I figured that you wanted to be back with me. So, I kind of rolled with it because I never stopped loving you."

"But- why though? I mean, I cheated on you. With a guy. How can you still love me?"

"I don't care. You more than anyone knows that you don't choose who you fall in love with. Even if that person is a dick," she stated. I didn't know if she was referring to Frank, or to me.

Lindsey took my hand. "I don't care, Gee. I can forget. I don't-"

"-For God's sake, Lindsey, you lied to me !" I interrupted. "You knew that I was gay. You knew Frank was too, and that he never tried to hit on you, but you let me figure it out all by myself. You pretended that you didn't know anything, but you knew everything, didn't you?" I raised my voice a little - luckily, we were in an isolated part of the hallway so no one would overhear.

Lindsey bit her lower lip, confirming my accusations. I resumed, "Is that what happened when we tried to have sex that one time, at the beginning of the year? I couldn't get hard, but it was my fault, not yours. I thought that it was because of my year of coma. A year of coma," I repeated and scoffed humorlessly. "Bullshit ! I'm just fucking gay ! You wish I were straight, but you can't force someone to be something they're not !"

Lindsey closed her eyes, withering more and more in shame as I scolded her angrily. She looked like she was on the verge of crying.

"Gerard, please calm down. I'm sorry," she uttered, distinctly yet shakily. "Listen. I did it because I love you, alright?"

I rolled my eyes, looking away.

"Gerard, I love you, I love you with all my heart," Lindsey said with all the most genuine honesty, showing her palms as though she wanted to calm me down and show her good faith.

She was breathing deeply. I wasn't the one who needed to take a deep breath and cool down here.

I took a step back that sent a clear message to Lindsey. "No. No, you don't. If you did, you would have accepted me as I am. You wouldn't have lied, even to protect me. I'll be honest, I did the same - lying to protect. And I realize now how much of a mistake it was.

"Gerard, please-" Lindsey choked out softly.

"No, listen to me. Lying is never an answer. So yeah, I cheated on you, with Frank. Because he was here for me, and he has never lied. I'm sorry Lindsey, but you and I are done. I do care about you. But I don't love you."

A tear rolled on Lindsey's cheek, and she wiped it off immediately. "You care about me, that's what you just said. So, we can still try and have a relationship, can't we? I-I mean, even as friends. I'd be totally fine with that," she said sheepishly. Bargaining was all she had left to save herself.

"A relationship with you is nothing but blackmail elevated to the level of love," I spat coldly. "I hope you enjoyed that kiss earlier because it was the very last we would ever share. Have a nice day," I said before walking away.

I was a little mad at myself for making Lindsey upset, but I didn't do anything else but tell the truth. And the truth was that I didn't love her.

We shared the responsibility of the failure our relationship had been, of course. We both knew that, but Lindsey needed to realize that it was a failure that would lead us nowhere.

You don't sail with a sinking ship.

______

External POV :

Lindsey watched helplessly the one she loved leave. She had trouble imagining a greater ache than the one she was feeling in her heart as this precise moment. The most painful thing was probably that she knew for a fact that she was to blame.

Gerard had cheated on her because she had ignored his feelings and tried to bring a relationship back from the dead.

The brain may lie but the heart never does. And Gerard's heart had just spoken, perhaps for the first time in quite a while.

Lindsey stayed where Gerard had left her, maybe a clue on how hard it was for her to move on. Quickly though, she composed herself, taking a few needed deep breaths.

When she looked up, the sight of a certain silhouette that seemed to hover over her like a threatening shadow made her ball her fists in anticipation.

"Let me guess; you heard everything, didn't you?" she said bitterly.

"I did." Mikey nodded, lying his side on the nearby wall.

"I don't need your comments, right now. If I were you, I'd think further before scolding me as if I were some child, a pawn, or your puppet. You created this mess, and you will fall with me eventually."

"You speak as though you would sell your soul so that happens." Mikey shook his head. "You screwed up here - I didn't."

Lindsey rolled her eyes. She wasn't in the mood at all to deal with Mikey Way. "Sure. Let me guess. You're a spectator, never an actor?"

"Director, actually," Mikey corrected calmly. "I'm not a spectator. I am the most concerned about Gerard here. Your love for him is selfish. You've become a weight and I don't want to sink with you. You failed me. You failed yourself."

Lindsey scoffed frustratedly as tears of rage welled in her eyes. Menacingly, she stepped closer to Mikey.

"If you think you are going to be able to manipulate the situation to your advantage, think again. Look at yourself, thinking you're so tough and superior."

She eyed Mikey from head to toe in pure disgust. "You're all bark no bite," she spat at him, letting all her utter contempt show in her voice and on her face before she bumped into Mikey's shoulder purposely as she left.

Mikey closed his eyes and clenched his jaw to keep his cool. He took a deep breath as the urge of proving Lindsey and her provocation wrong boiled inside him.

______