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࣪𓏲ּ ֶָ ✩◿𝓓𝓣𝓐◸ 🂱 ࣪𓏲ּ ֶָ
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE—
it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to.

January 23rd. Three months later. Aspen, Colorado.

"I think I ruined his birthday." Sarah whispered to Robin as they sat together.

"You didn't ruin his birthday." he promised her. "You can give him a kiss and make up for it."

Sarah have a look of disbelief as he rose his hands in surrender. "What about me?"

"Robin!" she scolded him.

"Hey!" he warned her. "Can't blame a player for trying."

Sarah gave a tiny smile as he wrapped his arm around her, letting her lean against his head. Robin was just a little taller then Gwen was, it made Sarah laugh at how much taller she was compared to the two of them. One day Robin would hit his growth spurt though, it was just a matter of time. Bruce or Finney weren't necessarily tall either, and Vance wasn't when he was here.

Vance.

Sarah shut her eyes. Sometimes her brain would move at a fast rate and she wouldn't think about him. But then he'd cross her mind and it felt like she was drowning again. She wished he'd given her a chance, just one chance to see him one final time before he shocked her heart that day at the pond. Sarah wouldn't feel so sunken in all the time.

Then again, she knew that if she really got to hold him one more time, she wouldn't wanna leave. Maybe that's why he sent her back so fast, because he knew how much she loved him and he knew she'd give it all up to stay. She would have. She'd have regretting it, but she'd have done anything to stay with him a little longer.

"Stop thinking about it." Robin nudged her. "Thinking about it isn't gonna change anything."

"I'm trying." she stood up and walked toward her window. "I'm so scared to be here all alone, Robin."

"Why? They're gonna love you." Bruce spoke as he leaned on the door way. "Plus, just a phone call away."

"It's not the same." she frowned, looking out at all the students walking to their classes in the court yard. "No one's gonna like me the way you guys do."

"Duh." Bruce scoffed form the doorway. "They aren't suppose to love you as much as we do. They're just suppose to love you until we all graduate and live in our California house."

Sarah smiled as she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him tightly. Bruce put his hand on the back of her head as she held onto him tightly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm sorry for leaving you behind."

"You don't have to be sorry. I want what's best for you. And Denver is the worst place for you to be right now." he understood. Bruce always understood, even when no one else ever did. "It wasn't right just the two of us, anyways. Maybe this will be a chance for both of us to heal."

Maybe, but it didn't stop it from hurting. Sarah didn't want to leave him, or anyone else. But, she had to be away. She couldn't walk the streets of Denver everyday and think about how she'd lost Billy, and then lost Vance. It was too painful, it was killing her slowly as the days went on. "This is what Vance wanted for you. I don't trust much he says, but I trust that he knew this was right for you."

"He's an idiot." Sarah laughed sadly asked she hugged him tighter. "I'll come visit soon."

"Sarah." he pulled back and held her face. "Take some time to heal. Don't worry about us. You have to put yourself first."

Sarah gave him a sad smile. "I'm gonna miss you so much."

"I'm gonna miss you too." he hugged her tightly. "But, we'll still talk. All the time. And we can write letters, and visit on occasion."

They pulled away from their hug as Sarah nudged his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too." he smiled, looking toward the door. "See you soon?"

"See you soon." she braced herself, staring at his back as he walked out. She shook her head and turned back to the window. "It's not worth it. I don't wanna do this."

"Yes, you do." Robin corrected her. "You know you do. They wanted this for you."

"They're dead, what does it matter what they want?" Sarah hated that she said that, looking down with a shake of her head. "I didn't mean that."

"I know." he stood up. "Gimme your wrist."

Sarah turned and held her wrist out, Robin tied a navy colored bandana around her wrist a few times. "You better feel special. No one gets my bandanas."

"What makes me so different?" she looked down at it.

Robin shrugged his shoulders. "You're a pretty special girl, Sarah."

She pulled him by the arm so he'd wrapped his arms around her and hers held the back of his head, pressing a kiss to the very top of his head. "I love you, kid."

"Yeah, I love you too." he pulled back. "Don't worry about Finney and Gwen, okay? I'll keep them safe."

"Thank you." she nodded her head. "But, you can't forget about their Dad, okay? He's what I worry about the most."

"I won't." Robin promised her. "You just get better, okay? No more of what happened before, you hear me? If someone calls and says you're shoving your hands into glass and destroying your room, i'm gonna come up here and smack you. Yes?"

Sarah laughed as she nodded. "Yes."

Robin smiled as he held a finger up to her face. "Don't change on me now, Sarah. You're too good for that."

"Don't forget to call me sometime, okay?" she followed him to the door. "Please?"

"I will. All the time." he gave her one final smile over his shoulder. "See you."

"See you." she mumbled as he walked away.

"You're so lucky, Sarah." Gwen walked into the room as she looked around. "Your own private room. No roommates. They must have wanted you that bad."

Mr.Yamada came with her with a little grin. Sarah exhaled as she looked around. "I think they just feel bad for me and wanted to let me bring Bingo."

"Guess there's a good side to this then." Gwen looked around. "You gonna unpack?"

"Yeah, but waiting for things to settle down." she exhaled, shrugging her shoulders. This was killing her, it was killing her from the second Bruce hugged her goodbye. "Gwen. Come here."

Mr.Yamada frowned as he gave them a little space, standing in the doorway as Sarah sat on her bed and pulled Gwen to sit next to her. Her blue eyes looked up at her as Sarah inhaled one final time, keeping it together for just a few more minutes. "I want you to call me for anything. Things will start to change as you get older, and I know you're Mom isn't around to help you. A girl always needs a girl in her life. Just because i'm not close anymore, doesn't mean i'm not still here for you. I'll always help you, Gwen. If you call me and say you need me, I'll be there. I promise."

Gwen frowned as she leaned in and hugged Sarah. Sarah felt her eyes water as she leaned over Gwen's shoulder and hugged her. "You're still my best girl."

"Mine too." Gwen sniffled as she held her tightly. "I love you so much, Sarah."

"I love you too." she kissed her on the top of the head like she had with Robin. "So much."

"I can still call you when I get home from school? Tell you about the Millie and James drama?" she looked up at her hopefully.

"Oh, yeah." Sarah smiled to her. "I wanna know if James gets with her or if he runs off to Julia."

"Yeah, me too." Gwen laughed as she looked back at the door. "I'll go find Finney. I think he got lost in the astronomy room."

"Yeah, send him my way." Sarah smiled as they stood up and hugged one more time. "Be good."

"No promises." Gwen smiled at her as she left.

The second she did, Sarah shoved her palms into her eyes and couldn't hold it in anymore. Mr.Yamada frowned. "Hey."

She shook her head and turned her back to him. He walked over, pulling her into a hug. Sarah cried into his shoulder as he held her a little longer, shhing her and rocking her just a little. "I know it hurts right now, but you have to do this for yourself Sarah. You can't live in pain of reminders everyday. You have to find a way to heal, and you won't be able to in Denver."

"I can't just leave them behind." she looked down at her feet. "Especially her. She has no one to guide her."

"She does. I'll make sure she does." he promised her. "Amy and Jannie will help Gwen. They'll help her, and you just said she still has you. And she'll have me, you know i'll keep that little girl safe."

"I know." Sarah rubbed her eyes with a deep inhale. "What about me? Are you gonna forget about me now?"

"Are you kidding?" he laughed and held her face. "You-"

His voice cracked. He stopped to clear it. Him loosing it would make this harder on her, he couldn't do that to her. "You are sensational, Sarah Barns. I adore you so much, I can't forget that. Never. You're like a daughter to me."

Sarah leaned in and hugged him again, laying there on his shoulder as he held her for what felt like forever. Forever until they had to pull away. "Happy Birthday."

She looked down as he put the car keys in her hand. "The green car you always wanted."

"You're giving me a car?" Sarah gapped. "Wh-how? Why would you do that?"

"So you can come see me when you're ready." he shook his head. "Maybe that'll take you some time. Maybe a month, or a year. Maybe two years. But, whenever you're ready, I want to know you'll be able to come home safely. That you will always have a way to come to me whenever you need me."

Sarah squeezed the keys as she put on a brave face. Her moment of crying couldn't keep going, she winced at the feeling of holding in sobs. Her head nodded. "I will."

"I love you, kiddo. So, so much." he kissed her on the cheek when they hugged again. "I'm gonna call you on my lunch break."

"Yeah, i'll be waiting." she nodded, rubbing her nose and exhaling. "How are all of you getting home?"

"Don't worry. I have a sweet rental that is probably safer to drive four kids home in." he had to laugh with a nod. "It'll probably be here soon. I better head down there and sign for it."

Sarah nodded. "Of course."

They couldn't say a proper goodbye, it just wasn't gonna work out. He let her go, and he left, leaving her in her private room. Bingo ran in, making Sarah look back and see Finney had shown. She held her head a little higher. "Hey, Birthday Boy."

He gave her a sad smile. "This is a nice room, Sarah."

"Kinda lonely though." she sat down on her bed. "I don't know anyone here."

"You will. Eventfully." he sat with her and crossed his legs. "You won't feel so lonely then."

Sarah leaned over and laid her head onto his shoulder. "I'm sorry I ruined our birthday."

"You didn't." he lied. She did. This was the worst birthday ever. Fourteen and sixteen were two ages that should have been been fun to turn, but neither enjoyed it. Neither were happy and celebrating with an Elton John song and a terribly baked cake like they always did. This birthday, they were saying goodbye, and that would always be the worst birthday either of them ever had. "I'm scared to leave you here, Sarah. I don't want you to be sad and alone."

Finney thought about the entire way up here. He thought about going back to Denver and leaving Sarah to cry over her dead boyfriend and dead best friend in a room with no one, in a city where she knew absolutely no one except for her grandmother, who didn't always remember her anyways. It made him sick to think about, and now was even worse because it became a reality.

Sarah sat up. She was so worried about him and everyone else that she didn't stop to think that they were feeling the same thing. He turned his head to look at her as Sarah shook her head. "I'll be okay. It'll take me a minute to settle in, but i'll be okay. If I get too upset, if I really can't handle it, i'll come home."

"Do you promise?" he swallowed hard and look right at her. "Really promise?"

"Yeah, I really promise." she nodded her head. "What about you? Do you really promise to be okay, too? Because i'm freaking the fuck out worrying about you."

"I will be. Definitely." he nodded his head. "As long as you'll keep in touch with me, right? We'll still talk all the time? You're not gonna find anyone like me?"

"Like you?" Sarah laughed. "Don't think that one's possible."

"I don't know. I'm pretty ordinary." he shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing special about me, you know?"

Maybe he was right. Maybe Finney did just blend into most crowds. He was just a kid who loved baseball and space. He didn't act in a way that made him stand out. He wasn't known for busting faces in or loving pinball like Vance was. He wasn't known for being an amazing baseball player like Bruce was. He wasn't known for being the cool guy that kicked ass every now and then like Robin was. Even his little sister had been different then him with her tough dementor and at least having the courage to stand up and mouth off when put in a situation. Not him though, he wasn't like them. He was just there.

"Not to me." Sarah shook her head. "You're the best boy i've ever known."

That was the second time she'd told him that, he wanted her to say it just one more time and maybe he'd believe it. He didn't know how to respond. "Love you."

Sarah laughed at the way he said it. "Love you too."

"Got you a going away present. And a birthday present." he stood up and dug into his pocket, pulling out a ring pop. "It's the red kind."

Sarah cleared her throat and dramatically help her hand out. "Care to do the honors?"

Finney straightened his posture and popped the ring out, sliding it onto her finger. "Happy Birthday, Sarah."

"Happy Birthday, Finney." she stood up and kissed him on the forehead, like she always did. She wondered if he'd get someone else to do that now that she wouldn't be able to everyday. She wondered if he'd replace her. She just really hoped he wouldn't. "Talk to you soon?"

He pushed onto his tip toes and laughed. "Jesus. Lean down, you giant."

Sarah laughed, ducking her head down so he could reach her forehead to be granted a kiss right above her eyebrows. "I hope this is what's right for you, Sarah. I can't wait to see you again."

"You will." Sarah promised. "Old me. Better me. One day."

"I'll see you then." he gave her a sad smile again. "I don't really like the words good-bye."

"I don't either." Sarah dug into her pocket, finding the little flash lights and giving it two blinks. Finney smiled, doing the same with his rocket light in his pocket before shutting her room door. Sarah walked over, leaning her head on the wooden door and listened to him leave. She stayed there as the tears came again, the pain of it all setting in as she walked to the window. Bingo sat on her bed, clearly getting use to all of this.

Sarah breath fogged up the glass as she leaned against it and watched the car leave the school, rolling through the fallen snow. She rose her finger and drew a V against the glass.

Sarah never came home. She hadn't set foot in Denver since leaving in January. She took their advice and wouldn't come back until she was ready, until things started to hurt less. Over time, she wasn't in so much pain. Eventually, she could think of Vance and not want to scream and break anything she could. It still hurt her, it hurt her so bad, but she tried to focus on their good memories versus the pain of his absence causing her. Same with Billy.

She never saw the trio of dead boys ever again. Maybe she was too far, or maybe it was all just a figment of her imagination. Apart of Sarah was glad. She'd do anything to be able to see Vance again, to be able to hug Billy one more time. But after the car accident, pain was an understatement. That's when it was the worst, when it killed her more then anything else, what lead her to leaving in the first place.

Sarah would never be the same, but she'd come close to it in some way. She'd never find anyone that loved her as much as her group had, but she'd always have those memories. At least she had the peace of mind at knowing that they were healing just as she was.

Until, they weren't. Until she got a phone call twenty-two months from that day.

•

kylie speaks

i'm so excited to get
into the movie plot
line fully now. it might
be sad but i have been
waiting to follow a set
plot line for so long now!