%%%%%%

" THERE'S TOO MANY VARIABLES. "

alexa, play SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS by john lennon

%%%%%%

december 24th, 2002
3 years ago

"Reed, look at me, will you?" I was begging him at this point.

"Just-just give me a second, Gabs, okay? I'll get ready, we can go to the party, I just need another second or two-" He was tongue tied; I put my head in my hands before throwing my arms up in the air out of frustration.

"The party's over, Reed!" I exclaimed, and finally, he looked up at me, a look of shock upon his face. "The party is over."

"What? No, no it shouldn't be over yet, why'd they end it so early?" As Reed fumbled around to try and find his watch among the mess of papers and experiments on his desk, I gestured to the grand clock.

"It's almost midnight, Reed! It is almost Christmas day, and I have been sitting here, trying to be patient with you for three hours. Patiently waiting for 'just another second' of work to pass." There were tears of frustration and anger in my eyes, but I tried to keep them from falling. "The party is over, Ben just called and said that everybody is going home. You can...keep on doing your work, or whatever, I'm going to go to bed. Sleep out on the couch tonight."

I began to walk up the stairs to our bedroom, shaking my head in disappointment. We were supposed to go to the big Christmas party my work holds every year. It starts out at the outdoor ice skating rink, and then we head back to our boss' house for hot chocolate, alcohol, and the Secret Santa reveal. I was Ben Grimm's Secret Santa, and I got him a canvased picture of himself and his girlfriend of a very long time now, and I put it in a nice red and green gift bag, and I was supposed to give it to him at the party. I kicked the red and green gift bag down from its resting spot right beside the bedroom door.

It was supposed to be a fun night. Ice skating, hot chocolate, drinks, friends, gifts, all of it was supposed to be a great night. This was Reed and I's anniversary of one year today, and we were supposed to spend it in the most Christmas way possible. But he got caught up in work. Again. And he said he just needed another second five times. I should have set my foot down and told him how this is going to work, but no. No, instead I just sat there and gave him a reminder every thirty minutes that we needed to get going. But he seemed to be very focused with his work; sometimes he wouldn't even acknowledge me when I spoke. And I let all of it slide, I let him get away with it because I didn't realize how much time had truly passed.

Ben Grimm made me realize it was much longer than I had thought. A phone call from Reed's best friend made my thoughts truly become actions. I can't do this anymore, I scolded myself as I slipped into a pair of plaid fabric shorts and a black spaghetti-strapped shirt. You need to be more upfront with him, or else he'll never learn. I grabbed the remote and slid into our king sized bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin and beginning to channel surf.

I wound up deciding on How The Grinch Stole Christmas, but truthfully, I didn't pay much attention to it at all. I was both too lost in my own mind to pay attention, but there were also very limited thoughts that were circling around. I needed this all to stop. Allowing myself to actually feel emotions, to think about the emotions, tears began to form in my eyes. Should I tell Reed he doesn't actually need to go and sleep out on the couch? Was that too harsh? No. Yes. Maybe? Fucked if I know.

"I hate youuuuuuu!" The Grinch shouted from the movie, and I felt a single tear trickle down my cheek. He named another Who. "I hate you. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely."

I noticed Reed silently walking into the room, and for whatever reason, I got a bad feeling in my stomach. Like the roller-coaster feeling when you finally go downhill. Like when the teacher hands you your test with the side that shows your grade facing down, so you know you didn't pass the test before you look at your grade. Like when somebody says-

"Gabs, I think we need to talk." Reed's voice made that pit in my stomach worse; I looked to see him sitting at the end of the bed.

"Same wave," I joked weakly, adding in a sad excuse of a laugh to make whatever was about to happen more heartbreaking for the both of us. I didn't want another word to be said, which is possibly what made this situation worse. I already knew what was going to be said-I knew how this would play out, I knew how the both of us would behave. But God, I wish I didn't know. Not knowing would be slightly less heartbreaking than knowing what was about to happen.

"Same wave, yeah..." He sighed. "I've been a bad boyfriend, I know that. And I want to be better, I've been wanting to be better for a while now. You know how focused I can get, with work and everything. I'm very sorry that we didn't make it to the party tonight, I truly am, but the night isn't over yet. We can still go out, and go ice skating, and grab a couple drinks if you'd like-"

"Reed." My voice cracked, and I pressed my lips into a sad smile. "There's too many variables."

I could see his heart break right on his face-and it's quite possible I could hear his heart shatter as well. His facial features dimmed and deflated, and he shook his head while tears began to build up.

"No no no, no..." He knew what that meant as well as I did. "We can still make this work. Can't we?"

"No." I shook my head and let out a shaky breath. "We've been trying to do that for a long time now, but...but you like your work too much. And as much as I've been trying to work around that, I can't anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. Maybe this is for the best, okay? You can go, and-and work on your work free of distractions, free of worrying about when you'll be able to get flowers and everything...everything to do with me. We can both focus on our work, and get things done, and who knows? Maybe we can work this out again in the future, or...or at least try."

"I don't think that would be so smart." His words hurt more than a bullet. "I understand you're trying to keep this hopeful and all, but lets just rip off the band-aid, okay? This is a break up-"

"A mutual one?" I asked this question purely for my own ability to sleep at night.

"A mutual one. And we can stay in contact with each other if you'd like, but no more romance. We can just be friends." He nodded, and I sucked in a deep breath. "This is the best way."

"It is." I nodded, giving him the best smile I could possibly provide at this moment in time. "You can take your gifts from under the tree, and um...well, you moved in with me, so-however you want to go about that, we can."

"I'll find a new place, stay with Ben or another friend until then." It felt like he had thought about this before. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't have had this all planned out as soon as questions were asked. It was odd. "I'll clear all of my stuff out when you go to work tomorrow morning-"

"You can sleep over here tonight." I offered, pressing my lips into a thin line. My smile was gone, replaced by a swarm of tears. "So you aren't leaving New York City at three in the morning, or um-or anything."

He released a quivering breath, and a silence settled into this dark Christmas Eve. It was as much of a silence as it was an understanding. An unfortunate understanding, but nonetheless an understanding between the two of us. He wouldn't be staying for one final night, and we would not be continuing our regular communication with each other.

I would be marking this date down as the worst Christmas ever, and I could only pray that he would be doing the same.