003.

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     "The hell's got you all wound up, Gray?" the boy across the way from Maggie let out in his usual, jovial manner, gun slung over his shoulder.

     "I'm wound up?" she repeated, eyes dancing with curiosity as she stood on the other side of the main gates at her post.

     "Well— yeah," he responded, stating the obvious, "I mean, your shoulders are all stiff, you can't stand still, and you keep taking that radio out of your pocket and contemplating whether to contact Bellamy or not." At the accuracy of those nuances, Maggie raised a brow, surprised he had noticed so much with so little to go off of, "Ah— right on the money. You worried that much about him? I'd say he can handle himself."

     "It's not that, Miller," Magnolia gazed out into the dark abyss of the woods, mentally hoping to see that faithful rover emerge from the trees in any second— but it wasn't. "Well, it is— but not really."

     Staring at the girl from a few feet away, Nathan stood confusedly, awaiting any sort of follow-up, yet she remained silent, the only noise being the distant sound of a piano playing inside a hundred yards away. Deadpanning, he gestured, "So... are you gonna tell me what's goin' on? Cause I'm not following. I mean, is there trouble in paradise, or—"

     "No, no. I think that Bellamy and I might've.... uh.... how do I put it?"

     "You might've— what?" Miller prodded.

     "Well, he might've—" Maggie corrected, wanting nothing more than to avoid the dreaded phrase as much as possible, "Maybe— gotten me pregnant? Not that it was an accident, or anything like that at all, because it wasn't. I mean, we both know damn well what we're doing—"

     Eyes widening the slightest bit, Miller's lips turned upward into a grin, laughing at the stammering mess standing in front of him, "Why are you worried?"

     "For once I'm actually scared. Abby ran a bunch of tests that we'll have the results to in a week or so because she's so busy, but Bellamy's not even back yet. He hasn't radioed, and I have no clue about what they went and met Kane for, because he forced me to come back here when I should be out there!" she pointed towards nothing in particular, except for the forest.

    Shaking his head, Nate glared at her in disbelief, for not noticing the apparent, "He did that to protect you, Gray— you and I both know that. If he's right, and you're right, then it's better you're here anyway. Besides— you're one of the best guards we've got."

     Holding back a laugh, she pressed her lips together at that statement. It was far from the truth, despite the fact that the both of them were decently good at what they did. "Us working together is a shitshow."

     "Exactly," Miller agreed sheepishly, making the two burst out laughing— it was never a dull moment between those two, by any means. Not only did the girl adore having some sense of authority as a guard, but the posts with Miller were absolutely incredible, "I still think it's kinda ironic how they make two thieves in charge of protecting Arkadia."

     An all-knowing glare was sent the boy's way as Maggie scoffed, "Well, the Ark's much different than being down here."

     "It's a shame we didn't know each other up there; we would've been solid partners in crime," he poked fun at her, gently nudging the girl's shoulder as her eyes lingered anywhere except Miller's direction. It was late at night when she missed Bellamy the most; it didn't help that she had no indication or clue as to what he was doing out there. 

     "I didn't get the chance to know anyone up there," the more Maggie pondered the thought, the closer the feelings bubbling inside of her would pour out of her, a tangled bundle of words, "You stole for the hell of it. I stole because I'd receive hell if I didn't."

     Standing there confusedly, solely because Gray didn't usually act in such a manner, Nate questioned what this conversation was really turning into, "What's with the Maggie Gray pity party all of a sudden?" No sense of amusement was written across her features, and her eyebrow was set in a stern manner, "Come on— I know you won't open up to anyone, so just rant to me. It's not like we have anything better to do up here."

     Adjusting the zipper of her guard jacket, she shook her head to rid herself of the thoughts momentarily polluting her brain, "Nothing's wrong."

     "Something's wrong."

     "No, there's not."

     "Well there's definitely an issue, and I'm gonna get it out of you."

     Allowing herself to feel what she was feeling, although the self-hatred was too much to swallow, Maggie shook her head while her teeth chewed at the inside of her cheek. "When there's blood on my hands that can't be washed off, I can't help but wonder if I'm in it over my head," she eyed the puncture marks of light that poked through the nightfall, "I mean, let's be realistic here, Miller. The truth of the matter is— I'd be a shitty mom," her voice quieted to just above a whisper.

     Overcome with sympathy, the boy took absolutely zero hesitation in pulling his best friend into the closest embrace he could muster, knowing the physical contact would make Magnolia lower her tense shoulders for just a moment. "I see that connection you've built with those kids, Gray. They look up to you, and that's not just because of that sick guard jacket on your back. Ever since we landed, it was in your nature to take care of people— not to mention, you could take better care of your own child than over half of our parents took care of us."

     "Well I'm not a drunken asshole like my parents were. But besides, watching out for people doesn't make you qualified to be a mother," she determined solemnly, biting her bottom lip as she fiddled with her weapon, "I want a child more than anything in the world to prove to myself that I'm truly good, but I'm too far gone with the amount of deaths I'm accountable for."

     "Maggie—"

     "Sergeant Gray," the fuzzy voice of the chancellor interrupted their heartfelt conversation, "I need you in the common room to escort someone out of here."

     Tearing the radio from her belt loop to respond, she tucked a strand of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear. "Abby, yeah sure. What happened?"

     "It's Jasper," she replied with a huff as the commotion in the background caught the twos' attention. Maggie glanced at Miller, his fingertips pinching the bridge of his nose. "He's not listening to anyone— I figured maybe you could talk some sense into him, Gray."

     Climbing down the ladder quickly, she proceeded to listen as Mrs. Griffin explained the circumstances. "He flipped out over our people using Mount Weather's belongings. Take him back to his quarters— maybe do a room check, talk to him a little? Also, tell Miller you two are getting relieved. His shift is over."

     Spinning on the heel of her scuffed combat boots, she peered up at her concerned best friend, "Go see Bryan, your shift's over!" she called out, to which he let out a yes! under his breath. "I gotcha, Abby."

     Dodging citizens in the halls, Magnolia's feet quickly led her into the common area; instead of a jubilant atmosphere, with drinks being shared and children playing with one another, the tension had grown so high that she was practically cutting through it by just walking in there. Jasper's darting eyes shot towards Maggie, and the stiffness in his shoulders subsided a considerable amount. Finally, he thought: someone who understood. 

     The piano bench laying on its side about ten feet from the actual piano didn't provide her much of an indication as to what had went down, but the two boys being restrained so they couldn't move any more gave her some sort of insight. 

     "Gray, thank god," Jasper sighed in relief, wiping a pesky bead of sweat from his temple. However, his expression shifted as she latched her hand to his forearm, her grip narrow. She wasn't there to stop the others; she was there to take control of him. "Wait. What are you—"

     "Don't resist," she muttered indifferently, not wanting to seem as though she was catering towards the troubled boy who had started all the mayhem, setting everyone on edge. Leading him out of the crowded area, Maggie travelled towards living quarters. Twisting open the knob to the room labelled 'Jordan,' she took her hand off of him.

     Gathering her scattered thoughts together, she ushered for him to sit on his bed as she searched around for anything abnormal or alarming. "Oh great," he sneered, "You think I'm a basket case, too. You know, I really thought you'd understand."

     Getting onto her feet, from searching underneath his furniture, her eyes widened. "I do understand, Jasper. That's the entire reason Abby had me, of all people, come back with you," she pointed to her chest, then to his. 

     "Then why are you doing this?" his dilated eyes became glossy as he pleaded in a whisper.

     "Because they don't understand!" Magnolia gestured outside of the closed door, voice raising an octave, "Those people out there couldn't give two shits, because all they know is that 'the Mountain Men kidnapped dozens of us and tried to drain us of our bone marrow.' They don't know what really happened, nor will they ever! It's not worth it!"

     Not seeing her point, he simply shrugged, "And yet I'm the lunatic?"

     "Those objects have nothing to do with Maya— you can't project your grief and frustrations onto someone using a piano," she emphasized, throwing her arms to her sides. 

     Leaping off his bed for a brief moment, his face hovered inches away from Magnolia's, smoke practically fuming out of his ears for whatever reason, "Objects have nothing to do with Maya?" he queried, as if he was challenging her. But before the eighteen year old was able to give him an answer, his hand clutched onto the chain from Maya around her neck, the paintbrush pendant shimmering in the dim light. Without thinking twice, he tore it off of her, the chain making a gentle snap! that was heard very audibly in the Gray girl's ears. Almost wanting to wince, as if the Jordan boy had ripped out stitches or slapped her in the face, she remained unmoving, solely to get her point across. "How does that make you feel? She wanted you to have that— she loved that necklace."

     "We agreed to live for her. And if you think this is a life she'd want to live, not only are you disappointing me, but you're also disappointing her," Maggie got even closer to him, causing him to shudder, "I'm constantly trying to help you get through this cause I care so much, but you don't even want it. Don't you see that? I'll always be here, Jasper, but I'm not wasting my breath and energy on someone who doesn't even want to save himself."

     Not even giving the teenager the time of day, he gazed towards the floor. "Just go, Maggie. Go try and take care of some strangers that probably treated you like dirt on the Ark— you have it made; don't want to ruin that, do you?"

     Rolling her eyes, she couldn't help but feel stupid for the wholehearted attempt she made. "You're not welcome out in the common area until you're sober," she commanded, although it hurt her to be so demanding over him. It didn't feel like her place to order that, but it was. 

     Maggie could think back to when she'd be the first person Jasper would go to if he needed reassurance. But now, she felt like that connection was entirely diminished, and she was no different than anyone else. 

     "Wouldn't dream of going back out there, Gray," was the last snarky remark he threw at her before she left. 

— — —

     With the events of the day that had messily unfolded, Maggie had been feeling all over the place; Bellamy was M.I.A, her friendship with Jasper turned into mistrust, and she hadn't been the most put together herself, either. Perhaps that was why she sat awake for hours on end, doing nothing but overthinking and fiddling with the broken chain in her calloused palms. She wanted nothing more than to solve all of the problems they were currently encountering, but it was just impossible. 

     Life on the ground was messy. 

     In the very back of her mind, she had hoped that Bellamy would startle her with the twist of a doorknob, and she'd hear all about the little expedition he went off on with Kane. Unfortunately though, she had given in to her heavy eyelids and fell asleep before that happened. 

     Instead, the gentle shaking from someone that definitely was not Bellamy abruptly woke her up. "Maggie, wake up." 

     Recognizing the voice immediately, she groaned as her eyes adjusted to the brightness, "Tavia? What's wrong?"

     "We're making a run," she then answered concisely, shuffling around the room, trying to gather her close friend's belongings to help her out, "Nyko showed up here, a mess— the only way we can save him is with blood in Mount Weather."

     'Mount Weather' were the ticket words that made the teenager spring up instantly, of course, "How much longer until they're ready to leave?"

     Handing Magnolia her guard jacket, Octavia plopped down at the edge of the bed, watching the other girl scramble around her living quarter, "They're prepping him for transport; can you drive?"

     "Can I drive?" a mischievous glimmer ignited in the Gray girl's eyes. Was that some kind of trick question? "You bet I can."

     Making her way outside to where the other vehicles were, she took notice of the gurney Nyko had been wheeled out on, along with Abby, Jackson, and Lincoln getting everything inside the Mount Weather truck they had taken following the battle. Jasper stood off to the side, seeming spaced out. 

     As they finished fastening all of the medical equipment inside the back of the truck, Maggie made a dash towards the front gates. "Monroe, Harper!" she shouted up to the girls, using her hand to block her eyes from the sun's sharp rays, "Open the gates!"

     Opening the automobile's door, she turned her head to triple-check that everyone was ready to go. Unlike her beloved rover, the back of the Mount Weather truck was very open-concept, which made her wonder if everything was secure. Abby gave her a singular nod, which was indication enough. 

     Driving rather fast to get there as soon as she could, Magnolia couldn't help but think of the trek from Mount Weather to Camp Jaha (at the time), when she had been stabbed by the young grounder. Something that had been such a great deal at the time seemed like nothing but a minuscule, distant memory from months ago. But with the vehicle, that eight hour trek turned into just about an hour, and for that, the young girl was thankful. 

     "I thought you were a good driver, Maggie?" Abby raised her voice from the back, monitoring Nyko's pulse to make sure he was still breathing. To be fair, the terrain was not the smoothest, but how would that translate to being her fault?

     Looking to Octavia with a clenched jaw, the Blake sibling returned the exact same demeanor: was she not grateful? "Last time I checked, we're on a time constraint. I'm getting you there quicker than anyone else could."

     Listening intently, the two once-delinquents were able to hear Jackson mutter in a slightly lower tone, "Abby, I don't know if it's good for him to be—"

     Octavia, clearly getting just as annoyed as Maggie was, spun around to glare at them. "Nothing's gonna be good for him if he's dead."

     With a hint of sarcasm laced in her voice, Maggie added on, "Maybe it's not my place to say, but I don't think Nyko's concerned about the quality of his travels. We're about ten minutes away," she kept her eye on the path, dodging tree limbs and larger rocks to the best of her abilities. "These doctors and their high fuckin' horses they're on," she sighed under her breath, causing the girl beside her to chuckle gently. 

     For the most part, Maggie hadn't been at Mount Weather since the battle; she had been outside, helping them load supplies acquired on runs into the Rover, but that was the extremity. Kane made that idea purely with his heart— he remembered her giving herself up on that table to buy time for the others. No eighteen year old deserved to be reminded of that if unnecessary, even Maggie Gray. 

     Although the thought of it didn't seem to phase her, she wasn't yearning to stroll back in there, either. She never protested his thought process.

     Inhaling through her nose, the girl could almost laugh at how simple it was to just twist open the entry doors nowadays, when that used to be impossible, as it was their whole pride and joy. 

     Motioning towards the others, she gestured her hand towards inside, "Here we are."

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so much is happening wowowowow. that scene with miller and maggie: hurt. that scene with jasper and maggie: hurt. sadness after sadness in disconsolate land, and we haven't even gotten to the bad stuff yet. i apologize. i just want maggie to love herself so bad, but its a long road from here. 

i've kinda been at a writing block for this book, solely because i am very excited about things coming soon, and i didn't really feel up to writing this filler shit, but i'm getting through it. i also have covid rn, so i have absolutely zero reason as to say i don't have time to write!!!! 

- ally