009.

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     Bellamy was nowhere to be found, although it wasn't like Maggie had been searching every square inch of Arkadia for him.

      A strange feeling consumed the girl— one that felt foreign, like she couldn't even put a finger on what it truly was because she was so not used to it. 

     For as long as she could remember, she always had a reason to keep going. A purpose, if you will. Helping people was always up there, but with the little bit of power that she did own stripped away from her for the time being, she was lost. 

     If she was upset, or something was nagging at her mind, her instant way of relieving the stress was one of two things:

     One— being a guard. Going up on lookout with Miller standing on the opposing side cracking jokes brought her back to tranquility. It was one of the places where she felt most herself. 

     Two— Bellamy Blake. All of her peers, students, and friends were able to help her find solace, but nobody could do so like Bellamy. Whether it be his little words of reassurance, or the feeling of his hand gently running through her hair as her heart rate slowed, it all worked the same. He knew her pain better than anyone else— at least her pain that had been caused from her time on  the ground. 

     Currently, she was stuck with neither resolution. Full-fledged breakdowns were completely extraneous to her; her somberness tended to get resolved quickly. Perhaps that was why she felt so bizarre. 

     Laying down on her and Bellamy's cot, she peered out of the small window; everything was going on as normal. How could everyone feel the same as usual when things had changed so drastically? As far as she was concerned, her freedom had been torn from her— was nobody else affected?

     The twist of the doorknob barely even startled her, and her eyes remained glued on a small group of kids playing soccer in the dirt. 

     She felt the bed sink down on the opposite side she was laying on, and the presence of the figure that would usually bring her so much comfort only made her more uneasy. It was so silent. 

     "Baby," he lowly spoke, fingertips grazing her exposed forearm in attempt to grasp her attention, "Please."

     As much as she wanted to bury her face in his chest and wrap her arms around him as tightly as possible, Maggie refused to give in. What would that make her if she did? Slowly, her head turned to face him; his skin had been washed off, and he changed out of the bloody clothes he wore without shame just hours prior. "Nice jacket," she whispered, noting that he had returned to wearing the jacket, more than likely regifted to him via Pike. 

     "You're mad," he determined, seemingly at peace with that concept. 

      Sitting up, her head only shook vigorously, "Not at all; I'm disappointed. And I've been replaying the situation over and over again in my head, and I just can't find it in myself to understand why you would do something like this. They were innocent Trikru members that were sent to protect us from further attacks."

      "Oh yeah— innocent?" Bellamy questioned, raising his voice, "Who killed Roma? Finn? Who speared Jasper within the first hours we were on the ground? They started this— we've been at war ever since we landed on Earth."

      "I could understand you wanting vengeance for those lives— and don't you think I do, too? They have put us in situations that caused us to make horrible choices. They caused us to kill Lee, and Vincent, and Maya," Magnolia shot back as she listed off names with ease, eyebrows drawing together, "But the Bellamy Blake I know would find another way that did not involve killing lives, and I couldn't give a shit what you say that says otherwise. We had peace. And now you suddenly want to go ballistic since Pike's here?"

      He exhaled loudly, "We have never fully been at peace. But in the world we live in, there isn't much choice in the ways we go about taking care of our people. It's not like killing that army would have been our first choice, but it's what's going to take care of you, and Octavia, and all of Arkadia, and that's my top priority."

     "What, do you want a thank you?" a scoff passed by her chapped lips, trying to make sense of what he was saying, "I'm sorry, thank you so much—" she placed a sarcastic hand over her heart, "—For starting a war, killing people in their sleep, and practically ripping my job and passion away from me. Maybe this will wake you up: ten of you went out there, killed three hundred, and not a single one of you were wounded when you all came back. Does that not open your eyes, even a little?"

     Finding Maggie joking at a time like this absolutely ridiculous, he pinched the bridge of his nose, "You didn't lose your job. You're just being too naive and goodhearted to realize one simple thing: there is nobody 'good' on this Earth. No one. We want the same thing here, and you don't have to want to kill people to be on Pike's side."

     "You've lost sight of who you are, Bell. Just open your fuckin' eyes."

     "You have no idea how these past few months have been for me, Mags," his posture slackened, voice getting quieter. 

     Glaring back at him with narrow eyes, she retorted, "They've been hell for both of us. Don't you think I know that?" 

     Rubbing his forehead at that, he lightly groaned, hinting there being a tinge of annoyance that she had included herself, "You didn't pull that lever."

     Was he serious? 

     Finally giving into that ache in her chest and snapping, she pointed an angry finger, "Forget about the damn lever, Bellamy! You have absolutely no right implying that my pain is incomparable to yours! I'm not the one to usually say it, but you're not the only person who has been through some awful shit, you get that? My life hasn't exactly been easy either."

     "Why are you making this all about you?" he asked. 

     "Cause it never is, Bell, and for once, I'm making this about me!" her pitch heightened, voice sounded more uneasy as opposed to before, "I told you the appointment was today, days ago."

     Hearing that last sentence was enough to cause him to be speechless; he was at a loss for words. Something that was so prioritized in his mind somehow managed to slip away, and that was shitty. After that, he wanted to eliminate everything negative he had said out of anger towards the girl. "Maggie, I'm so sorry—"

     "It's not that big of a deal," she shut him down, eyes lowering to her fiddling fingers, "I was just saying—"

     "No," the Blake interrupted her, "It is a big deal— I promised you I'd be there. Everything I do is for the future of my family; Octavia, and you, and our future child—"

     "There is no future child. I can't have kids," the tears lined Gray's eyes as she spoke, before he could say anything else, "This morning, I was told I won't be able to start a family with the man that I love more than anything else in this world. I needed you so bad, Bell. And I tried to find you, but Octavia said you had already gone off with Pike."

     That's when the guilt hit— hard. All of this he had been doing to help the people he cared about. But Maggie needed him in that moment, and that moment was far more important than anything he could've been doing to benefit their future. He sat down close to her, grabbing her anxious hands, "When'd you find out?"

     "Right before you guys came back."

     "When you tried to talk to me— you knew already?" he confirmed, to which the girl nodded her head softly. 

     Temporarily shutting her eyes and blinking away the tears forming, a sour expression was cast across her face, "And you just shoved me away without thinking twice," a small tremble passed by her lips that she failed to hide, smothering Bellamy with even more guilt than he had to begin with, "This is a choice I don't think I can make, Bell."

     His brow furrowed, "What choice?"

     "My morals, or you," the girl nearly winced, almost as though the words stung the moment they left her mouth, "I can't do this without you— it makes me feel fucking sick, and like I can't breathe, and I just don't know how much longer I can handle it."

     Disregarding everything, Bellamy attempted to pull the girl in for an embrace that she so desperately needed from him of all people, but she dodged it, "Mags, hey."

     "No," a small sob sounded, "You telling me that it's okay, or that I need a break isn't going to make this go away. Because Pike will send you out on another mission, and you'll proudly put on that guard jacket and do whatever he commands you. Unless you don't— and if that ends up being the case, then you can console me."

      "I realize that we went went too far," Bellamy's tone lowered to just above a whisper, more shameful then before.

      A sneer spreading across her face out of instinct, Maggie's head shook, "Yeah, you think?"

     "I love you, Mags."

     "Then prove it," lips drawing into a thin line, she shrugged, acting as though the words he just let out didn't even register to her, "Do the right thing."

      Face still and eyes blazing, Bellamy was dumbstruck— what was he to say, after all? "What do you mean by that?"

     "Get out— and get yourself together," Gray hand pushed the flyaways to the back of her head. "Or if you don't want to do that, then just say the word, and I'll find another room to stay in."

     Bewildered, he inquired, "Why are you doing this?" He already knew the answer.

     "I've spent months down here trying to convince myself that I'm not a shitty person. I need you to get out— before I go and do something I'll regret just because of my love for you. I don't need you fucking up my morals."

     As much as Bellamy might've disagreed with her, that was all it took to get him to stand up. Her honest stung a bit, he had to admit, but he was going to choose to respect it. He knew better than anyone else that Magnolia wasn't in a good state; he could read her and pick up on nuances just like that— but it didn't matter at the moment. She didn't want to see him, and perhaps he couldn't concur with her opinion right now, but he didn't want to upset her more than he already had. 

     Granted, he knew he fucked up already (bad ), with missing the appointment and all. And quite frankly, just being within a five foot proximity of her was pushing it. If he hadn't had that screw up, he'd be testing his luck by consoling her, but taking the high road was probably the best option. Especially when dealing with Magnolia Gray. "I do love you Mags, no matter what we may disagree on. I'll always be here."

     The part that made her the saddest just might've been the reiterating statement of his love for her. It was something she wasn't used to even after months, and the words never lost the special touch they presented. She felt the stinging in her tear ducts, and the tears may have been silent while they ran, but Bellamy saw them regardless. In all honesty, Maggie really wanted to bury her face in his chest and inhale his scent right about then, forgetting about all of it. "Okay," her bottom lip quivered, and she immediately bit it to make it less prominent, despite the fact that Bellamy already had noticed, "Thanks, Bell."

     That was his cue to go.

———

     After wallowing for more time then she physically could allow herself to, Maggie knew she needed to get out of bed. Her determination and strong-will couldn't diminish just yet. 

     It was a set back—sure— but it wasn't the end of her fight. Very far from it, in fact. 

     At the end of the day, Maggie needed to remind herself of her roots. She had to channel that girl she used to be, up on the Ark and during the beginning of her days on the ground. Her opinions sometimes were known to cause a ruckus, but they never failed to be heard. And if people disagreed?

     Then she would only cause more of a ruckus. 

     She slowly began getting herself together, not sure of what she was actually going to do.

     It was too much of a coincidence that she could hear a faint announcement being announced over the loudspeaker outside. 

     "All unstationed personnel, make your way to the medical bay as back up. All unstationed personnel, make your way to med bay."

     Now, Maggie wasn't personnel at the moment, but she eyed that guard jacket sitting in the corner of her room for damn sure. How was she going to play this out? 

     She could blend in better in the corridors with a guard jacket and cap on, so that's what she did. After all, as infuriating as it made her feel, she was well aware that people would think higher of her in uniform; she would just gain that respect. There were no downsides, per say, with wearing it, besides the fact that it messed with her dignity. Grabbing her key and shoving it in her pocket, and shoving a knife inside of a sheath into the other, she opened up the door without any sort of plan in her mind. 

     Right after walking out into the halls, a hoard of guards passed by. Some dragged along Grounders, who seemed as though they could barely even hold up their own body weight. They didn't exactly seem willing to go, but more like there was no choice. 

     Traveling the opposite way, from where they had just come from, she scanned every other citizen that walked by, trying to distinguish the events that had led to the Grounders seemingly being escorted to the cells.

     Up on her right, a familiar face caught her eye— Octavia. She was slowly closing the door to the room she just came out of, but carefully. Really carefully. More than enough to raise an eyebrow, for sure. The way her eyes darted from left to right, and left to right again, something was up. That didn't take an expert to note. "Something good in there?"

     "Something like that," a tone suggesting mischief was prominent, and the younger Blake's eyes glimmered illustriously, "Look for yourself," she opened the door a smidge, extending out an arm as if to usher Gray inside, "I gotta go find my brother, so be careful."

     "You be careful, too."

     Following Octavia's lead and scanning to make sure nobody saw her walk in, she shuffled inside, with uncertainty on what she would find. Maggie didn't get surprised too much anymore. 

     But one thing for certain— 

     she was not expecting to see Clarke. 

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