𝙁𝙤𝙪𝙧

𝗡𝗼 𝗠𝗮𝗻'𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗻𝗱

ᴀ/ɴ - ɪ ʀᴇᴀʟɪᴢᴇᴅ ɪ ʜᴀᴅ ᴛʜɪs ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ᴜᴘ, sᴏ ɪ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ꜰᴏʀ ʙᴇɪɴɢ sᴏ ᴘᴀᴛɪᴇɴᴛ. ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇɢɪɴɴɪɴɢ ᴏꜰ ᴊᴜɴᴇ ɪs ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ ꜰᴜʟʟ ᴛɪᴍᴇ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ.

ɪ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜɪs ʀᴇᴡʀɪᴛᴇ sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏʀɪɢɪɴᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴛᴏᴏ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ꜰᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀ ʜᴜɢᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛɪɴᴜᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ʀᴇᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ʜɪᴀᴛᴜs.

√v^√v^√♥

                             𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐏𝐔𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 Meredith's car with a sigh as George ignored the looks from his other roommates and continued to speak. "You don't understand," he continued his spiel. "Me gonads, you ovaries."

"That reminds me. We are out of tampons," Izzie reminded, Holly mouthing an "oh, yeah".

"You're parading in your underwear when l'm naked in the shower!"

"Can you add it to your list?" Izzie tilted her head

"What?" George exclaimed, watching her as they made their way towards the hospital.

"Tampons!" Holly repeated.

"To the list. It's your turn," Meredith added.

"I am a man! I don't buy girl products!" He flustered. "I don't want you walking in while I'm in the shower, and I don't want to see you in your underwear."

"It doesn't bother me, okay? Look at me in my underwear, George." Izzie's hands fell to her side with a clap. "Take your time. It's no big deal."

  Holly didn't find it odd that George was uncomfortable around the girls. He had lived with his parents all of his life; he never had to worry about pretty girls walking around half naked or getting comfortable buying feminine products at the store. It was new to him. But you know, he'd have to learn eventually. And they really needed tampons.

  Holly let out a big breath, Meredith mocking her actions as she took a sip of her coffee and they entered the building.

ꨄ

"You are the first person they see in the morning. You say please. You say thank you. You apologize for waking them up. You make them feel good about you."

  Dr. Bailey paced around the locker room, making sure the pre-round drill was known by every single one of them. Which it was, at least to Bailey's interns; though, some of them sometimes don't follow it. Alex slipping in the room five minutes late and missing some of her speech can speak for itself.

  Holly let out a silent "yes!", in relief and excitement, knowing that Alex would be given the worst of the work for the day. She didn't know how many more lab results she could deliver. 

"Why is that important? 'Cause then they'll talk to you and tell you what's wrong. Why is that important? Because then you can tell your attending what they need to know during rounds."

  Holly shuffled a few things around in her locker before slipping her lab coat on and shoving a granola bar in her pocket as she pulled her hair into a ponytail.

"And why is that important?" Bailey questioned again, Holly's attention turning to her. "Because if you make your resident look bad, she'll torture you until you beg for your mama. Now get out there. l want pre-rounds done by 5:30am."

"Good...morning, Dr. Holland," Alex humored, catching Holly's eyes as he held her name tag that he had taken from her locker. She scrunched her nose with a scowl, snatching it from his grabby hands.

"Dr. Evil Spawn," she nodded her head towards him, trying out his recently decided nickname as she clipped her ID to her lab coat. "You were late."

"You keeping tabs on me?" Alex pulled his shirt off to reveal a fitted white tank top. Holly's eyes fixated for a moment before she cleared her throat and Alex tossed on his scrubs.

"Just thought I would show my gratitude...since you'll be delivering labs all day...and I...will not."

  Alex gave her a sarcastic smile as she giggled, closing her locker with a sigh.

ꨄ

  Holly held her last pre-round patient's binder in her hands, flipping through the reason of admission and symptoms. "Yes! Aneurysm," she concluded, giddy at the thought of scrubbing in. She pursed her lips. Well, not yay.

  The brunette flipped back to the beginning of the folder, double checking the room number as her eyes landed on the patient's name. Jessalyn Reed.

  She almost couldn't remember at first, but she finally did. Holly treated her, and sent her home. A boring diagnosis, a concussion, nothing exciting for her first day. Now she's back, a couple weeks later, all signs pointing to an aneurysm. She missed it.

"Oh no."

Holly found the room quicker than she usually would have, and she almost forgot to knock. With a quiet "yes?" from the other side of the door, Holly sighed and made her way in the room with a bright, very fake, smile.

"Jessalyn. My name is Dr. Avery," she reminded. "You can call me-"

"Holly," she finished for her. "I remember."

The intern set the girl's chart on the table in front of her bed before scooting to her bedside.

"So, what brings you back?" Holly asked, putting her stethoscope up to her patient's chest.

The young girl turned to her mother nervously who nodded before speaking. "She took it easy for a few weeks, took the meds they gave her...but it just seemed to get worse."

Holly glanced at the chart to refresh her memory. "The headaches?"

Her mother nodded. "She had a seizure last night...that's why we decided to come in."

"Has she ever had a seizure before?"

"No."

  Holly nodded. "Have they brought you back for any testing?"

  The young girl nodded. "We're still waiting for the results. We haven't heard anything."

  The doctor hid her worry with a smile. "I'm only here to check your vitals and things like that...see how you're feeling compared to yesterday. But when I'm done, I'll go check on your results, all right?"

  Holly's patient nodded, watching as she scribbled her thoughts of Jessalyn's morning work up on the clip board in front of her.

ꨄ

  After rushing Jessalyn's lab and test results and making it so she was the intern paged when they were ready, Holly asked around for her fellow interns, who she couldn't find after they were paged for an incoming trauma.

  Familiar voices caught her attention, furrowing her brows as she slid behind the nurse's reception desk and stepped into one of the computer rooms, hearing the end bit of a conversation that consisted of her, Izzie and Meredith's names and an inquiry from Alex.

"Sexy underwear?"

  Holly shook her head, leaning against the door frame. "Why are you talking about my underwear?" She glanced at Alex and then George who held out an accusing finger that led her eyes back to Alex's.

"It's for science," Alex insisted.

"Glad I could contribute," her joke was question like. "Whatcha' guys working on?" She stepped over to George's computer, arms on the back of his chair as she scanned his computer with searches of nail gun injuries.

"You said he was conscious?" Holly turned her head.

"Completely...totally conscious."

"Son of a bitch," Holly mumbled lightly. "Who's scrubbing in?"

  George shrugged. "Meredith's with him right now."

"Wh-" Holly paused, turning to the pager at her side. "I gotta' go."

ꨄ

"Hey! Hey," Holly slowed to a stop at the bottom of the stairwell, questioning the chatting doctors that passed her. "Is it over?"

"Yeah, it's over," someone finally replied. Holly let out a frustrated sigh for missing the nail gun guy's surgery. It was the highlight of her day, after all.

Excitement struck the brunette as her pager sent vibrations through her hip along with a beep. The feeling faded quickly at the received message. Just a reminder to go pick up patient labs. Jessalyn Reed's labs.

She got to the desk quickly; the nurse was obviously too tired to deal with her urgency but he found the test results eventually. Holly flipped through the pages of MRI photos and stopped suddenly on the angled photo of the young girl's frontal lobe.

"Crap," she swallowed at the different shades of gray, hoping her scan readings were off and she had no idea what she was looking at. She hoped she was wrong.

The intern made her way down the crowded hall, contemplating on going straight to Dr. Shepherd to save time or go through her resident first, just in case she was wrong. But she wasn't.

Her decision was decided for her as Dr. Shepherd rounded the corner and broke off from another doctor.

"Dr...Dr. Shepherd," Holly called, rushing to greet him with a folder in her hands. She hesitantly handed it out towards him. "I thought I should bring this straight to you...just in case."

The attending took the results willingly; Holly watched nervously as he flipped through the photos.

"It could be nothing. I just wanted to-"

"Don't second guess yourself," his eyes locked with hers. "Grab the patient for a CT. I'll meet you there."

"CTs are down."

"They're up and running again. But it's going to be backed up so tell them I said to rush it," he nodded before heading for the elevators, leaving Holly to order the CT.

ꨄ

The young doctor watched as her patient was pulled into the intimidating machine, sighing as she stepped closer to her attending, in hopes to get a better view, but too nervous to ask.

"Look at this," Shepherd invited the intern to his side, pointing to a discolored portion of the CT. "This...is her frontal lobe."

"I'm aware, doctor," Holly nodded, focusing her eyes on the scan.

"This is the aneurism," Shepherd pointed to a darker shaded color, zooming into the picture as he spoke. "Any seizures?"

"Just one...that's why they decided to come in."

The dark haired neurosurgeon's eyes widened. "Subarachnoid hemorrhage," he mumbled, his words inaudible as he gripped the seat.

"What?"

"Bleeding. She's bleeding into her brain," he pushed himself out of his seat. "Get me OR one, immediately. I'll get her prepped and you can meet me there."

"For what?"

"You're scrubbing in."

ꨄ

It felt like it took a lifetime, and she would've enjoyed every second in that scrub room, since it was her first time scrubbing in with Shepherd with the hopes to assist, but she couldn't enjoy any of it, the life was all that mattered.

Shaking her hands in the draining sink, the masked intern glanced through the glass at the sedated girl being pulled into the OR. Holly took a deep breath before pushing past the glass door and into the sterile room.

"Thank you for joining us Dr. Avery. We don't have a lot of time, okay?" Shepherd's voice was calm. He pointed to the other end of the operating table.

Holly took her spot beside the scrub nurse as the anesthesiologist flipped through his magazine after putting the girl under.

"Okay team, we need to work quickly. Locate and stop the bleeding. Relieve any pressure and confirm there's no sign of a hematoma."

The intern nodded as he spoke again. "It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Shepherd ordered for a scalpel and rested it on the young girl's shaved head but stopped himself.

"Avery." Holly looked up from the scalpel, making eye contact with her attending. He gestured her to the other side of the table. She nodded, holding her hands up and stepping past scrub nurses and quickly finding his side. He set the scalpel in her gloved hands pointed at a dotted line on the girls head.

"Make an incision here, no more than a centimeter deep." He put a pair of magnifying glasses, identical to his own, on her head, securing it while she watched him with wide eyes.

She didn't feel like she deserved it. She was the one that missed this after all, the first time at least. What if it was too late this time?

"Avery," he hummed with a worried tone. "Take your time...but we have to get started."

"I got it," she shook herself from her thoughts and gripped the blade in her steady hands.

Hearing a faint cheer, Holly's eyes wandered up to see George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina. The three were cheering but Cristina just kept herself focused on the chart she was reading, looking up every so often to show her interest. Holly gave them a smile, but they could only barely notice because of her surgical mask.

Holly's eyes focused back on the patient below her, drowning out the hum of machines and cheering from her peers as she slid the blade over the black line, pulling it out with a sigh.

She dropped the scalpel in the sterile tray beside her with a smile, feeling eyes on her as Shepherd took her position and she stepped into the spot beside him.

The brunette's eyes raised to the gallery, raising her eyebrows with a smile as George gave her a thumbs up and turned to Alex who gave her a nod.

"I've located the bleeding. Clamp!" Dr. Shepherd held his hand out, his empty hand given a surgical clamp.

"Dr. Avery, will you hold this?" Derek watched the intern who nodded, stepping towards the attending who slowly passed off the clamped bleeder. "Steady. There's no wiggle room here."

He watched the monitor carefully.

"No change doctor."

"Crap," he mumbled, poking around past the clamp Holly held onto with everything in her.

"Um," a nurse dragged. "Heart rate is dropping sir."

"Here," his voice was urgent as he grabbed the clamp back from Holly and she stepped back. "She's losing a lot of blood.

"I found it! Clamp!" The urgency in the room died down as the monitor returned to normal. But it was only momentarily; the line went flat.

"She's going into cardiac arrest," Shepherd shoved the other clamp in Holly's free hand and began to pump the young girl's chest. "Page Burke now!"

"Avery, don't let go of that clamp!"

Holly nodded to herself, her face painted with horror as the girl below her jolted with every one of Shepherd's movements.

"Crash cart now!"

Holly's chest tightened as her superior gripped the defibrillator. The charge ringing in her ears was longer than normal. Her quick breath movements moved every inch of her body but her hands, the clamps weren't moving. She wouldn't let them.

"Charge to 200!"

The sound of the defibrillator slamming against the cart was more horrifying than the charge itself. Holly's watery eyes watched the flatlined heartbeat before it disappeared.

"Call it Avery."

Swallowing the despondence in her throat, she spoke. "Time of death, 8:37."

Her sore hands still gripped to the clamps, Holly watched as the room and gallery cleared, her and Dr. Shepherd the only ones left.

His voice was soft. "You can let go now."

"Mmhm," she sniffled. "I know." She softened her grip but didn't move.

The attending pulled off his gloves and tossed them in the toxic waste basket. "You gave her a chance. Remember that." He stopped at the door for a brief moment. "I'll tell the family. You get some rest."

ꨄ

  Holly sat against the wall of the bloodied OR, occupied by just her, mostly since anyone ordered to book an OR chose a different one because they didn't want to have to deal with the intern. And it seemed to be working out for an hour or two.

  Alex Karev was the first one in hours who noticed her in the small OR window and actually was brave enough to say something. Or maybe he just really needed the OR.

  The creak of the door caught the brunette's attention for the first time since the surgery. Her frown deepened at the sight. Alex returned the facial expression, eyeing the blood on her, head to toe.

"What are you still doing in here? Burke needs the room," Alex glanced around the room at the puddles of blood on the floor. He had left before the surgery went awry. "What happened?"

"She died," Holly looked up at the dirty blonde, eyes weak.

"You gotta' get outta' here," with his face disgruntled, Alex scanned the room again before his eyes fell on Holly. "This-this isn't helping."

"Why are you still here?"

"Burke needs the room. They need to clean the room," he repeated. "Listen. I don't know what you need to hear...but you did everything right...you did everything you were supposed to do. You're an intern and you diagnosed her."

"Not soon enough," Holly mumbled, her eyes on the floor.

"Take your win."

"What win?" Holly's voice raised. "A child died!"

"Without you...her parents would've spent every day wondering if they could've done more. If we could've done more for her. At least now they know we tried something."

"She still died."

"She died fighting."

"Yeah," Holly nodded, setting her head against the wall, eyes falling in line with Alex's.

  Alex held out a hand and Holly watched him with furrowed brows and a scrunched nose. "What?"

"Get up," he ordered.

  She hesitantly took his hand, breathing deeply at his touch. Alex pushed her arm lightly, guiding her forward and out of the OR. Holly sighed in relief at the shelter of the elevator, escaping the weird looks from hospital staff.

"I'm all right. You can go," the two interns made their way into the locker room and the brunette sulked to her assigned locker.

"Here," she turned at the voice behind her, looking down at the folded scrubs that were being held out to her.

  Holly looked down at her bloodied scrubs with a shaky sigh before returning her gaze to Alex's. "Thank you." She took the fresh change of clothes from his arms before sighing heavily.

  She tossed the pile on the bench beside her and slowly pulled her top over her head. Alex's eyes fell to her bare skin but he averted quickly, hesitating before pacing to the other side of the lockers.

  Holly pulled her new scrub pants up to her hips with a relieved sigh. "You're good."

  Alex returned to her side of the lockers. The two interns watched each other for a moment, it felt like longer, maybe it was.

"I'll take these," Alex leaned forward to swipe the bloody scrubs from beside his co-worker. "I-uh-sorry about your patient."

"Thank you, Alex."

ꨄ

  Though exhausted, her brain was less foggy and she wanted to take on the world, even if she wasn't ready. But she was ready for something, she just didn't know what it was.

  How could she think of the next step when she wasn't sure how to get past this one? She knew she would, she just didn't know when.

Holly sat on the porcelain toilet seat, a knee propped up to her chest as she brushed her teeth lazily.

"I reminded you before you went," Izzie bellowed at George, her directed target, as if he weren't in the shower just a few feet away.

"I forgot when I got there," he lied.

"No, no," Izzie marched over to the sliding glass door and pulled with no hesitation.

"You are so passive-aggressive."

"Naked. I am naked in the shower," Holly watched his blurred figure panicking.

"They're just tampons, George. I really needed tampons. God!"

Meredith slipped into the bathroom and past Izzie, squatting in front of the sink to open the cabinet door.

"I'm not riding in the same car with him," Izzie told her.

"Unless you're going like that, you're not riding with me," Meredith replied bluntly. "Where are the tampons?"

"He didn't buy them," Holly hummed, pulling herself up from the toilet and flipping up the lid to spit her toothpaste.

"You didn't buy them?" Meredith gawped.

"Men don't buy tampons!" George exclaimed as Meredith turned to Holly, changing the subject on her end but the other two were still at it.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good," Holly nodded reassuringly before Meredith fled from the room.

"You are gonna' have to get over the man thing, George," Izzie pulled open the glass door one again and George covered himself and gracefully fell to the shower floor. "We're women! We have vaginas! Get used to it." Izzie left in a huff, slamming the door behind her.

"I am not your sister!"

ꨄ

Pushing her last quarter in the vending machine, Holly watched as people eagerly pushed past her and into of the locker rooms. Shrugging it off, she grabbed her bottle of water, twisting the cap and bringing it to her lips. Narrowing her eyes at George ,standing in the doorway in horror, she returned the lid and made her way over to her roommate. She found a spot beside her friend, but not before Izzie pushed a reluctant George out of the way and slid into the room.

Loud whistles and cheers filled the room, the hospital staff gawking at lingerie photos from Izzie's modeling shoots that covered the walls of the locker room.

"Shh shh shh," Holly's eyes averted to Alex who had a smug look on his face. He shushed the crowd. "We have Bethany Whisper in our locker room."

"Oh, boy, I guess they do airbrush out the tattoo, don't they?" Alex grinned at Izzie, holding up a picture and wiggling his eyebrows.

"You want to see it?" Izzie finally spoke, her voice hostile. "You really want to see it? Fine." Izzie pulled off her maroon coat and threw it at Alex.

"Let's look at that tattoo up close and personal, shall we?" The blonde ripped open her shirt, revealing a gray bra to the locker room. "And what are these? Oh, my God! Breasts! How does anybody practice medicine hauling these things around?"

"And what do we got back here? Let's see if I remember my anatomy," Izzie pulled her pants down to her ankles, kicking them off to the side.

"Glutes, right? Let's study them, shall we?" She held her arms up and looked around. "Gather around and check out the booty that put lzzie Stevens through med school."

Breathing deeply, she turned back to Alex. "Have you had enough or should I continue? Because I have a few more very interesting tattoos."

"You want to call me Dr. Model? That's fine. Just remember that while you're sitting on two hundred  grand of student loans, I'm out of debt."

ꨄ

"Why do you act like such an asshole?"

"What's your problem?" Alex smirked, replacing his scrub top with the one he brought from home.

Holly let out a huff, plopping on the bench behind her co-worker. "That stunt you pulled this morning?" She pulled off her tennis shoes, tossing them in her locker before slipping on her flats.

"What? Those pictures? She wasn't even phased by it," Alex shrugged, slamming his locker shut and turning to face the brunette. "It was a good laugh but a waste of ink in my opinion."

"You think?" She exclaimed, scowling at the intern before pulling herself up from the seating area and making her way to the exit.

"You good?" Alex's demeanor changed quickly. " I mean...after yesterday."

Holly stopped abruptly but didn't look back. "Yeah. I'm okay. Thanks."