DELICATE
THIRTY THREE, GO AND SEE HER

" MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Inez exclaims, walking into the kitchen of the Airbnb we've rented over the holiday period.

It was Dr Sharon's idea, one of the first when I started therapy. Well, if you could call sitting toying with my thumbs for an hour on the sofa as Sharon waits for me ' to be ready' therapy.

Ive asked her what happens if I'm never ready to delve into the years of abandonment that led to detachment issues with new people in my life. She just shrugs ' you'll be ready one day, may take weeks or months, but one day you'll be ready.'

Therapy started after I began living back at mums, hating the idea of being alone. Although I'm never alone, Inez now back from work for the holidays takes adjacent shifts either Harriet making sure I was ok.

I couldn't hide the fact that I was indeed not in Spain and everything that happened with Camilla a secret for that long.

Jamie drove me to my mums the morning after it all happened. Smiled at me in the light of our civility and said he was a call away if I needed him. I nodded, and got out. Sat at the dining table with my mum as I explained it all. And since then, I haven't really left.

I'm waiting for an article to pop up. Even now, a few weeks later. Some falsified story about the ' real' me to hit some tabloid — it would Camilla's scraping attempt to use my name for some relevance.

Keeley keeps an eye out and so does Roy. All whilst everyone surrounds me in this bubble of love that I hated that I ever felt I needed more people to complete.

I spoke about my fear that the media will catch wind of it. And Dr Sharon suggested getting out of town for a little bit — somewhere you won't turn and see a billboard with my face on it or being a yard or two from the next fashion magazine.

So here we are, Christmas Day — a cottage booked in the countryside for me and my friends this Christmas. Mainly because of Dr Sharon's advice but also a passing comment of me 'wanting to find someone like Jude law in the holiday' which I created glances between my friends that I knew then I shouldn't have trusted.

" Merry Christmas." Harriet says, turning from her position on the stove. After watching many YouTube videos out the bathroom window ( the only place we get good signal) to work out how to work the agar.

I muster up a smile " merry Christmas." I say back, noticing Inez come up behind me and hug me.

" you alright doll?" she says, even though we all know I'm not. I'm almost there, the journey is just long and daunting at the moment.

It doesn't help that guilt I feel for leaving mum back in London for her first Christmas alone since the divorce. I tried to stay, but believe me my mum was practically shoving me out the door. Pleading she'd be fine, that I need the peace of the country more than she needs company in the city.

Although, it doesn't stop me sending Keeley and Ted a text with the same thing. Asking for them to keep an eye on her, and message me if I need to come back. Although they both agree, I know they won't text me.

" yes, just dying from lack of caffeine." I quip, looking to Harriet who gives me a look " she's been trying to make coffee for the last half hour."

She huffs " well normally I'd order a Joe and the juice on Uber eats, but it's not an option in butt-fuck nowhere-" and she looks at me.

" don't get me wrong, I'm so glad we did this!" I laugh lightly " love girlie Christmas, I'd just love it more with caffeine in my system,"

I kind of zone out when Inez goes to help Harriet, and I see my phone screen flash up. I smile softly as I pick up the phone.

CONTACT: TARTT

Tartt
merry Christmas hollie x

I smile like an idiot at the phone. We haven't really spoken a lot since that night at my house— I'm working on my shit and he knows that includes him and the letter. So he gives me space, but answer the texts I send him. In the air of civility it's like we're being woven back into each other's lives.

hollie
merry Christmas Tartt x

tartt
you're not in London?

hollie
I'm actually having the first and probably only Christmas away from my family.

hollie
currently watching the girls try and figure how to work out a stove that they have to light themselves...I may die out here

tartt
make sense when I couldn't find you at the club before I headed home

he was looking for me, that idea alone makes my heart swell. I wish I told him that I was going, feel kind of bad that I didn't. But it was quite a last minute thing, as in Harriet and Inez storming into my childhood bedroom with a bag filled of winter clothes and demanding I pack.

hollie
so, you're back in Manchester then?

tartt
my mum refused to make Christmas dinner in my kitchen, so I'm back for a few days.

Jamie.

" god, just go and see her!" is the thing that brings him out of his phone, his slouched position as he lies on the same part of the sofa he has since he was little.

His mum didn't want a new house, despite Jamie's attempts when he finally gained money. Georgia Tartt didn't want some other family having the house. She didn't want Jamie's crayon drawings on his walls when he was little painted or wallpapered over.

Jamie furrows his brows, clocking off his phone " what do you mean?" he asked his mum who's reply was a shake of her head.

" whoever has got staring at your phone, smiling like an idiot!" she said as if Jamie was oblivious, which she could tell he was, "me and Si are fine here alone, go and see her." she hummed.

Jamie contemplated the idea, the picture of Hollie entering his mind as he felt his lips begin to curve again at the thought of seeing her.

Before he flickered his gaze back to his mum " are you sure?" he asked, noting the sincerity in her eyes and smile as she nodded.

" I haven't seen you this happy in a while Jamie." she tells her son " she's definitely worth it."

hollie.

WE SOMEHOW MAKE SOME SORT OF CHRISTMAS DINNER. and now we're sat on the sofa, everyone's called their families and spoken to them ( me included who called mum with who was with Ted on some sort of Santa run).

And we sit with wrapping paper by our fluffy sock covered feet, as I reach for my mug " so what do you guys want to do now?"

I note the looks between Inez and Harriet as my brows draw down into a furrow, "what?" I say in response to the silence they give me.

Inez hums " we actually have one more present for you." she tells me; I take a momentary glance under the small tree and give her an odd look not seeing another present underneath it.

" what is it?" I ask as I look back at her, she smiles at me and it's almost like clockwork when I hear gravel crunch underneath the drive outside.

They just smile at me as I rise up and walk towards the window; my eyes glancing back at my friends once more before to whatever is outside the window.

I see his hair first, it's not the car I recognise even though I've sat in its passenger seat so many times before.

Holy shit is something that runs through my mind as my mouth gapes open. I look at my friends bewildered before grabbing my coat off the rack and walking towards the door.

It opens and he's stood there, still close to his car but he turns his head when he hears me close the door behind me

Him stood there, leant against the bonet as she anxiously toys with a piece of his clothing.

The only words I can get out are " what are you doing here?" I hear that laugh I adore slip out of his lips and a small nod.

" merry Christmas to you too hollie." and like you know, the way he says my name sends shivers down my spine — I try and shrug it off as I walk closer.

I shake my head, pulling him into a hug " shut up, I wished you merry Christmas over the phone." I tell him, and he laughs again.

And I inhale the scent of his cologne I know he's definitely brought down with him and reapplied as he pulled into the drive. Because it's fresh enough it stings my nostrils when I breathe in.

" so you're the present huh?" I reel back, breaking the hug first although we remain close. A closeness if I saw a couple months ago I wouldn't have believed you.

He smirks, looking to the window that I don't even have to look at to know my friends are watching us through " is that what you're calling me now ay?" he says.

I roll my eyes " it's what they called you actually."

Jamie scrunches his face up, shaking his head "nah, I much prefer it when you say it Welton,"

My hand gently nudges his shoulder as he laughs,
" you drove down from Manchester?" I tilt my head and he stifles a small laugh, wiping his hand over his mouth.

" my mum she made me- apparently I wouldn't shut up about you." his tone is quiet, like anyone might hear considering no one sane is stood outside right now especially with how cold it is.

I smile at him and his eyes linger on me " alright don't look so bloody chuffed with yourself right-"his lips spread as he points his finger at me.

" you're just on my mind a bit with all this stuff going on with you." And I stand there and just nod.

" only a bit?" she hums and Jamie rolls his eyes with an exasperated look.

" alright all the bloody time then!" he tells me, "but I just wanted to come down here and talk to you— look I know you said you wanted to drop it."

And my face drops, I know what he's going to say "Jamie- no we don't need to go into it again." I reinstate as he nods his head and cuts over me.

" yes- yes we do." he tells me, " because I can tell this shit hangs over you, and you try and ignore it but I can still see it when you look at me holls."

I know he can, because I try my hardest to let it go but it's inevitable that even when I'm not actively thinking about it it's still there. I hate the idea that when I look at him he can see the whole summer I spent wallowing and hating him in them even now.

His hand grabs mine as my head drops " and look, I'm not blaming you— I know you're not doing it on purpose,"

He takes a breath " but I never got a letter, not from you, not from anyone." he tells me, " I got on that bus thinking we were broken up, I spent the week after waiting for you to call me and when you didn't I was upset so I went on that stupid fucking tv show."

I exhale, as Jamie continues " I wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me- so I went on that shitty tv and slept with almost everyone in there thinking that you'd see it and think of me." he says " and I know it's shitty, but I wanted you to miss me and I wanted you to be hurt over it."

My eyes watch him for a second, " you didn't get the letter— the letter I gave Roy to give to you...the letter where I professed my love for you like some stupid Nicholas sparks film-" I breathe out, watching as his face changes with each passing word out of my mouth.

My eyes soften " you really didn't get the letter?"

Jamie nods " I really didn't get the letter."

And then whatever I felt about Jamie not receiving the letter seemingly doubles by millions and is transferred to the only other of my best friends which isn't currently watching us from the window. Roy fucking Kent.

ELLIE SPEAKS🪄
Roy better go into hiding as soon as possible.