[ madness in forethought - i ]

[ season 1, episode 1 ]
[ days gone by ]

      Laying quietly under the cotton linen of his sheets, Ryan Torelli thought about dying. He often thought about when his hand would meet god, not that he was a particularly "spiritual" individual, but he liked to believe that something greater than him, was out there.

He laid still, staring through the screen top of the tent as the stars shone above him, slightly afraid to move a muscle. It had been a little under 2 months since what felt like the end of the world, and tonight, Ryan pondered his fate.

The slow, peaceful, regenerative hum of noise the cicadas made on the summer nights in Georgia allowed him to think of a world beyond what was in his control. A fantasy. Something so sweet, that in this world it brought the most serenity he had felt in months to settle above him as he blinked into a restless sleep.

His tired body rescinded his thoughts of death, and for tonight, if the world was peaceful enough, his thoughts wouldn't betray him. He would dream of life before, with his daughter, the only family that he had left. He would dream of Sunday morning breakfast, before she went to her moms for the week. And though now, in the end of the world, her mom was the only person he knew that was left. Yet he still considered her an outsider.

And yet, when Ryan fell asleep, he did not dream. The figment of life before that his thoughts let him believe, we're the very same ones that would flash the violent images of what happened to his daughter to flee in his memory. And those are the thoughts that would force him to put his boots on, and take watch for the remainder of the morning sunrise.

It was a cycle, and that was one his fellow survivors knew well. So when Dale Horvath found himself yawning on top of his RV, he knew that Ryan was awake. The people around him treated his untimely, yet efficient, habits as a creature comfort. Ryan Torelli was a clock, and everyone around him ran by it.

His terrorized tired state marked about 5 in the morning, and he would walk himself and a towel, to the back of the camp towards the showers after he swapped posts with his buddy, Shane Walsh. The water that funneled down from the tree acted as a christening, and marked the start of a new day.

But this morning, Ryan didn't just wash up. And sure it was a waste of water, but he just stood there. It seemed as if the water was simply rolling off of him, like separating water and oil, as he looked to the dirt covered ground flimsily covered by a crinkly old tarp.

It's as if this was the only time Ryan truly thought about what would happen, if anything, if he decided to go on todays run.

He had been stationed at camp since the outbreak started and people looked to him and his friend for answers straight away. Back when Ryan thought that fate actually meant something, back when he found his best friend and his mentors wife and child on that highway near the outskirts of Atlanta. Back when he didn't have to worry about whether or not he would have to dig another grave only days after the incident.

And since Ryan and his newfound sense of loss understood what death meant, his shoulders took the heavy weight that came with protecting all of these people in fear that someone else would have to live through his worst nightmares. His eyes carried the anxiety, and he wore it well.

He seemed to be wrapped in his own head until a young man's voice broke him from his thoughts.

"You're wasting all the water." Shaking himself out of his delirium, Ryan looked up to see the young face of Glenn Rhee. The second person he met on the highway near Atlanta.

"Sorry, man." He swallowed, reaching up to bend the hose the water came from as to not waste anymore.

"Yeah, it's fine." Ryan could tell that Glenn had just woken up based on how he was practically swaying with the wind. Sway any further and he would fall into the quarry, and Ryan wasn't looking to go swimming today.

Finishing up, he wrapped the towel around his lower half and pushed open the blue curtain before stepping out.

By this time, about 7 in the morning, as the sun cascaded over the hills, most of the survivors were awake. Sitting around the fresh campfire used for cooking and cleaning, he watched as Andrea kissed her little sister Amy on the cheek before they both looked up.

Goodbyes were never something anyone loved, and Ryan and everyone around him were no different. He didn't have many people he would say goodbye to, impartial to his ex-wife.

Simultaneously, at the same time as his thoughts we're passing and the Harrison sisters looked up, Zoe Torelli walked out of her tent. Fresh cigarette perched between her lips as she saw what Ryan couldn't;

The ogling.

There was no lie that Zoe and Ryan were polar opposites, but for some reason when it came to other women, Zoe hated the attention that he got. That could've A, been from the fact she respected him and found it degrading of people to think of him like that or B, she was still as controlling as she was before the end of the world.

And Zoe wasn't a good person so it couldn't be A.

So, when she watched his head tuck into the tent and knew she was a safe distance away from his prying ears,

"Hey, Andrea." The corners of her lips turning upward as Andrea and Amy's eyes turned towards Zoe.

"What can I help you with?" She pushed out through gritted teeth, faint scowl on her face.

"Why don't you just rip your clothes off," she says widening her eyes, "run at him and then beg him to fuck you?"

"Hey!" All heads whipped towards Lori Grimes. "There are children 'round here, you better watch your mouth."

Zoe smirked at the rush of adrenaline she got from starting drama, she was a manipulator. And manipulators thrived on the chaos that they created.

"Yes ma'am." She winked, turning to trudge back to the tent before mumbling under her breath. "I'm sure you get enough of Shane."

Inside the limp walls where Ryan had begun changing, he decided whether or not to wear his sheriffs star.

The boy had been a sheriff along his friend Shane Walsh and mentor Rick Grimes going on three years.

This star meant so much to him, representing a life dedicated to proving his worth and how he thought of the world. Proving his family wrong, and being a better father for his daughter. A dad that she could have pride in. When graduation came, his mentor and the man that he most looked up to had personally handed it to him.

He felt that Rick Grimes may have gone easy on him his first week of academy after the anger he had poured into his training one day led to a silent breakdown.

One of the very few times in his life when he let his emotions override his circuit board. Ryan revealed to him that he was in the middle of a divorce and a nasty custody battle that he couldn't afford.

Ryan owed Rick his life.

Following the heartfelt discussion, Rick took it upon himself to raise half of the money for one of the best lawyers in King County and with Ryan's starting bonus he was able to pay for it.

Ryan spent weeks working back the money and eventually repaid Rick in his kindness.

He was now dedicating his life to keeping his mentors boy alive. His wife. His friends. Sometimes, especially now, he found the task he appointed to himself exceptionally difficult. He felt that in an ocean of suffering and problems, he was barely keeping his head above the water.

Ryan often stayed quiet, not speaking unless necessary. And though he made it a point to protect these people, he kept himself closed off. Everyone assumed that it was his way of coping, his little to no reaction to detrimental facts wasn't coping. It was his ignorance for significance.

Unfortunately, these people hadn't gotten to learn who Ryan was before the fall. They only knew what came after. After life. After death. After everything.

Ryan clipped the star to his waistband as Zoe entered the tent. Wrapping her arms around his bare chest, she held him as his eyes looked off into the woods, stoic.

"You're really going on that stupid trip for these people?" Her hands traced small lines as she spoke quiet enough so the people outside couldn't hear. Ryan's body crumbled internally.

"These people have succumbed enough to this world, they've done everything I have and more." He replied, pushing her touch away from his skin.

"You?" Her tone was beginning to uproot on the side of condescending and betrayed. But Ryan didn't care, these actions weren't new.

"Yes, me. Incase you haven't noticed everyone else around here has a job, whether it be doing dishes, hunting, keeping watch, whatever it is, they contribute." He listed as his shirt went over his head. "Shane and I, Glenn? We have contributed the most. We keep everyone here safe. We do the things no one wants to and they thank us for it."

"I contribute, Ryan. Continuously. " Her face grew cold as Ryan talked to her, realizing that she simply wasn't as impactful as she once was, she pointed at her chest. Zoe seemed to forget the things she used to do, the antics and actions that she would do to get him to participate in her trail of mess.

Soon enough after their daughter was born, Ryan had realized what she was doing behind closed doors. And as much as she tried not to make it noticeable it grew harder the more Ryan became the good samaritan.

When it was revealed to Ryan that Zoe had been doing drugs since the birth of their daughter, he took to the courts. And though it forced her to get clean, the end of the world was no help.

It was a classic case of prescribed opioids, pain management. Their daughters birth had left a detrimental impact on Zoe's health, resulting in a brain hemorrhage and a life saving surgery. After the initial release, she used the medicine leisurely, until she realized she couldn't live without it.

Her senses had succumbed to addiction, floating on the dirty river of relentless torment, it took over her life and she let it.

There was a distinct difference between people like them. One used the end of the world as a cover for the way they acted and the other let the end of the world change the way they acted. And some people just stayed the same.

"The only thing that you continue to do consecutively is waste resources."

"You act like their life is more important than yours is. Fucking suck ass." She barked back.

"Why does it even matter to you, what I do?" Zoe's face contorted into a mix of shock and audacity. It wasn't the first time they had argued like this, but it was the first time Ryan had actually retaliated since the incident.

"That's really how your gonna treat me? Like I'm a- a moocher?"

"You always have been." His eyes trailed the length of her body and then back to her face. "Why don't you go find Merle and screw him, you didn't seem to have a problem flirting with him enough to get high."

"You're a hypocrite." Their words bit at each other.

"Leave."

——————————

The group had assembled around the campfire, like any other trip to collect what was needed and what should be priority.

The air this time had felt different. There were more people leaving. More lives being risked. It was a lot more trouble than they'd ever been willing to take this far.

"We should be thinking ahead. Winter. It'll be coming sooner than we hope we should be thinking about layers." Lori began, breaking the silence everyone sat in.

"Get ahead before we fall behind. I like it, who was tasked apparel?" Ryan pointed out and Andrea raised her hand.

"We'll do just enough to get a stockpile started, long sleeves, pants, thick socks, thermals. You got it." She nodded and Ryan ran a hand through his hair.

"Those of you on food, it's non-perishables. Nothing that can go bad. It's better to grab things high in protein." Heads nodded sporadically around the group.

"What about personal items?" Amy raised her hand.

"If anyone has any personal requests, talk to someone that's going and we'll see what we can do. Remember we don't have much time for leisure." Ryan explained.

"They're gonna try to make this as quick and seamless as possible." Shane's pointed stare locked with Zoe's and she rolled her eyes.

"This is your last chance for those of you coming to back out, or for someone else to step up." Glenn interrupted.

"Yes, we don't need you risking your life or being uncommitted. This could go terribly wrong and I'm not willing to lose anyone." His eyes briefly locked with Merle Dixons and he thought to himself maybe one person.

"Ay! What 'bout the important stuff- like ya' know, guns?" Merle spoke with conviction and Dale visibly showed his annoyance.

"We're pretty well set for right now, enough to defend ourselves. The artillery shop is a bit out of the way, they don't need to be overwhelmed down there." Shane replied. "I've been keeping a steady stock."

"I'm just sayin- y'all don't know how the world has been changing outside of these hills. We never know what could happen."

"The man has got a point." Zoe's eyebrows raised as she gestured towards Merle.

"The answer is no." Shane determined.

Most of the time, when the quiet consumed the group and the little things started to itch at them, they found all time consuming conversations led to arguments. Whether it was between the kids or the adults, I guess being surrounded by the same people day in day out for two months straight took a lot out of someone's conscious.

Merle's heavy feet hit the ground from the log they were laid upon before stomping away, mouthing about how everyone were "no good shit-talking-liberals" that "would rather eat their own shit than hunt down a deer". Or something like that.

A chill slowly rose through the hills of the quarry, kissing the barren cheeks of these people as a relief from the unforgiving heat.

"Then it's settled. We'll take off in 20." Ryan clapped his hands together, almost as an alarm. Warning those of the group that were taking this voyage, that this was their last chance. Their last lifeline into surviving another day. He only hoped that if anything went terribly wrong, the grieving families would determine that it wasn't his fault.

His head was swimming, swimming, swimming.

But all he felt was that he was

drowning.

me after taking several months to write this
anywho, hope you enjoy. i already know how this ends, it's up to you guys to guess.

i don't know how often updates will be but i will do when i can. school starts in like a week.

i would just love to give another dedication to okaywickersham for putting up with my bs like- all the time. for helping me plan this fic and listen to me ramble about it. for always finding the perfect faceclaims and names. you're an amazing friend, ily. <3