SPOTTEDSONG WATCHED AS Dovepaw left, her head throbbing with all of the thoughts that whirled in her mind like a sandstorm. She turned back toward where she and Foxclaw had been staying, hoping that she would be able to sleep peacefully while deep inside she knew that she wouldn't. She would be haunted by the infinite voices in her head, telling her what to do and what not to do.

     "Spottedsong? Are you alright? I was wondering where you were." Foxclaw's amber eyes glowed in the moonlight. He walked toward Spottedsong, looking concerned. "I heard you yowl."

     "It was nothing," Spottedsong growled through gritted teeth. She couldn't bear to look at his sweet worried eyes now. She already felt bad enough. She walked past him and to her nest under the juniper bush.

     "Was someone else there?" Foxclaw pressed, getting into his nest beside her.

     Spottedsong looked at him blankly. She didn't know if she should tell him about Dovepaw. It would hurt him too much, surely? "No. I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep. You should, too." She curled up, ignoring whatever Foxclaw said in reply, and fell into an uneasy sleep.

***

     Spottedsong woke again in a grassy field. She recognized the scent of Moonclaw in the undergrowth. A feeling of dread overtook her as she walked to the bushed in search of the strange medicine cat. "Come out. I know you're there."

     The beautiful black-and-white cat came out of the bushes and looked at Spottedsong calmly. "You failed again," she hissed, her eyes shining with disappointment and a little bit of fear.

     "I know. And I don't care." Spottedsong avoided Moonclaw's gaze. "If they kill me, so what? Everyone I care about will be safe."

     There was a curious meow from Moonclaw. "Is that so? So you wouldn't mind if Cypressstar came to your nest now and killed you in your sleep?"

     "Of course I would care," Spottedsong snapped. "I just think it's for the best."

     "Why don't I tell Cypressstar to give you one more chance?" Moonclaw suggested.

     "What do you mean?" Spottedsong still avoided her gaze. "Do you mean that you want me to attempt to kill her again?"

     "Yes."

     Spottedsong ignored her and kept her eyes glued to the ground.

     "Stubborn one, aren't you?" Moonclaw mewed softly. Spottedsong felt her tail under her chin as she lifted her head. Spottedsong was trapped in the green depths of Moonclaw's eyes. "Don't be so scared."

     "I have a right to be scared, don't I? You tried—"

     "Hush." Moonclaw's voice was a little more than a whisper. Spottedsong immediately fell silent before she had time to snap at her. "You will succeed this time. I know you will."

     "Don't fail us now."

     Spottedsong opened her eyes. Foxclaw was sleeping soundly beside her. The full moon's beams shone brightly through the branches of the bush. Why would she do this? Doesn't she want to help me? Why would she tell Cypressstar to give me another chance when she knows that I would never kill Dovepaw? She looked at Foxclaw. She knew that she had to tell him about what happened in case she did kill Dovepaw and Foxclaw would have to know who killed her. But she hated to have to wake him, so she curled up again and closed her eyes. She couldn't sleep, but she tried.

***

     In the morning Spottedsong didn't emerge from the bush. Foxclaw came back with a squirrel dangling from his jaws. She ignored his presence and stayed where she was. "Are you okay, Spottedsong?" Foxclaw asked.

     Spottedsong curled deeper. Don't talk to me, she thought. Sooner or later I'm going to be the murderer of the cat you love. She continued to ignore him. She felt his tail brush her fur as he sat down beside her.

     "You can't ignore me forever. What happened? Was it about the thing that happened last night?"

     Spottedsong just growled as if to say Leave me.

     "Talk to me, Spottedsong. No one else is here. You can talk to me all you want."

     Spottedsong was almost tempted by the sweetness in his mew, but she didn't speak. She scared herself by thinking a single thought: Will it really be better to just die if I might kill all of the cats I love?

     "Answer me," Foxclaw pressed. "I can tell you're troubled. I want to help."

     Spottedsong glared at him from where she was curled up in her nest. "You can't help. This is my battle," she hissed.

     "And I can help you fight it. Just quit hiding and tell me what's happening," Foxclaw pleaded.

     I should tell him. He should know. Spottedsong looked up at him through slitted eyes. "Are you sure you want to know?"

     "I'm sure."

     "Alright, then." Spottedsong got to her paws and looked Foxclaw straight in the eyes and explained, "I tried to kill Dovepaw."

     "What?" Foxclaw looked shocked. "Why would you want to kill her? Did you do it?" He suddenly looked scared and angry toward Spottedsong.

     Her heart ached. Surely he would punish me somehow, Spottedsong thought. "It's complicated, but I didn't want to."

     "Is it because of MoonClan?" Foxclaw now looked curious.

     "Y-yes," Spottedsong admitted.

     Foxclaw sighed, clearly relieved. "I understand. I went through the same thing."

     "You did?" Spottedsong gazed at him, relief flowing through her. But the same terrible feeling of self-loathe still lingered in her. It'll take a while for it to go away.

     "Yes. When I killed Frostfeather. When Lynxstar exiled me. I thought that no one would trust me again and no one would be safe with me until I was free from Moonclaw. Which wouldn't happen until I was dead," Foxclaw added with a snarl. "For the longest time, I wondered if anyone would care if I died. But soon I realized that there's no point in dying on purpose. It's just a waste of time."

     "Oh, well, I don't think that it would be better if I was dead," Spottedsong lied. "Dovepaw just has to stay away from me."

     "So she is alive?" Foxclaw asked hopefully.

     "Of course she is. Why else would you hear me yowl 'Go'? Because I was telling Dovepaw to stay away from me so that I don't kill her. I almost killed her before. She's still healing from the damage I dealt. Yet she still thinks that she's safe around me," Spottedsong explained with an arrogant lash of her tail. "She doesn't see that I'm really a monster."

     "Oh, Spottedsong . . . ," Foxclaw stepped forward to comfort Spottedsong. "You're not a monster. You know you aren't. All those voices in your head are just messing with you."

     Spottedsong found comfort in his touch. But she didn't let it disarm her. "I know they aren't, okay? I'm a monster, and that's a fact. Soon I'm going to be a murderer. Of the cat you love!" And here I am thinking that you love me the same way.

     "If you keep telling yourself that, soon it will be true," Foxclaw murmured. "You don't want that, right?

     "No," Spottedsong answered. She looked at him with thanks. "Thank you. I thought that maybe you wouldn't help, but this conversation has helped me a lot." She held his gaze, hoping to find some sort of affection in his eyes, but only found the affection that a cat would feel toward a friend. And just a friend. Even though her heart sank, she knew that he wouldn't get the message unless she told him somehow. She leaned forward and touched his cheek with hers.

     Foxclaw looked at her with confusion in his amber eyes. "You're welcome. And Spottedsong, I . . . I'm glad that you like me that way, but I can't say I feel the same way. I still love Dovepaw. You know that."

     "I know. . . ." Spottedsong stared at her paws. "I had to tell you in one way or another."

     "Don't worry," Foxclaw mewed in a sweet voice. "We're still friends."

     Spottedosng looked at him gratefully. "I'm glad." Even though she knew that their conversation helped at least a little bit, she still had unwanted thoughts that made her head spin. She tried to focus her gaze on Foxclaw and Foxclaw only so that she could steady the unwanted thoughts.

     "Are you okay?" Foxclaw repeated.

     Spottedsong was dragged out of her thoughts when he asked if she was okay. "Oh—yeah. Sorry. I need to get some fresh air, so I'm going to the river."

     Foxclaw looked unconvinced for a moment, but he nodded. "Alright."

     Spottedsong turned and headed toward the river. She could easily hear the softly flowing current wash over the rocks and move toward the lake. She sat by the river and gazed at her reflection in the water, rippling gently. Is he right? she wondered. Is being alive and risking the lives of others really worth it? She thought about how she almost killed Dovepaw twice and still had to attempt to. She didn't want to. But she had to. And she would. She would be forced to. Her stomach twisted at the thought.

     Then Spottedsong saw movement in the image of her reflection, and then another cat. She looked up to see Moonclaw. She jumped away and nearly fell into the river in surprise. She prepared to spring and run away. "Get away from me," she snarled. "I'll fight you."

     "I don't think you want to do that," Moonclaw pointed out. Spottedsong saw her eyes shine with promise. "I just came to share a friendly message."

     "Says that cat who tried to make me kill my friend," Spottedsong snapped. "I don't want any message from you." She turned to run away, but with a flash of brown tabby fur she crashed into another cat. She steadied herself, hissing furiously. But she found herself looking at Cypressstar himself. "C-C-Cypressstar," Spottedsong greeted him with a bow of her head. "Apologies."

     Cypressstar smoothed his ruffled chest fur quickly. "There's no use trying to run away," he told her. "There's no use running away from anything. You failed, and now your luck is gone."

     "W-what? Moonclaw said she would tell you to give me another chance!" Spottedsong cried, fear beginning to take over.

     "She did, eh?" Cypressstar shot a suspicious look at Moonclaw. "What did I say I did to cats who disobeyed me? I didn't even allow a second chance, yet you convinced me to give this worthless excuse for a cat one."

     Moonclaw was shaking with fear. "I-I-I'm sorry, I won't do it again!"

     Spottedsong looked at Cypressstar pleadingly. "Don't hurt her!" The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them. She didn't think she liked Moonclaw at all, but her reckless actions made her realize that she did care about what happened to Moonclaw.

     Cypressstar laughed. "I'm not going to do anything of the sort." He strode over to Moonclaw in two long strides. "But she knows what was going to happen, and now she is going to suffer the consequences." In a blink of an eye, the MoonClan leader had Moonclaw pinned.

     Spottedsong wanted to get Cypressstar off of Moonclaw, but her paws were rooted to the ground. Her heart pounded against her ribcage, threatening to burst from her chest. "Please," she begged, "don't."

     Moonclaw writhed desperately under his hold. His unsheathed claw was on her throat. A large trickle of blood stained his claws and Moonclaw's fur, followed by others. She made a small but terrible choking noise.

     Spottedsong tugged her paws out from under her and thrust herself toward Cypressstar with an angry yowl. They tumbled over in a fight. Cypressstar was a harder opponent than Spottedsong guessed; she struggled to get the upper hand and slip from his claws and rake her claws across his muzzle. He yowled angrily and struck her ear in return.

     Pain seared through her left ear and blood dripped onto the ground. Cypressstar pinned her down, but immediately Spottedsong bunched her hind legs together and kicked his belly so that he yowled in rage and pain again and leaped away from her.

     But he reared onto his hind legs and slammed his front claws onto Spottedsong's shoulders. Hooking his claws into her fur, he dragged her to the ground with ease. She winced when her shoulder was scraped on the ground. He pinned her down and immediately attempted to strike a blow at her throat, but with a brown flash he was gone.

     Spottedsong leaped to her paws and looked in the direction that Cypressstar had gone, and she saw he was in a struggle with Foxclaw. She thought about joining the fight, but she looked over to Moonclaw and saw that she looked nearly dead on the ground. "Moonclaw!" Spottedsong screeched as she ran toward the black-and-white she-cat. "Can you hear me?"

     There was no answer.

     Oh, if only it wasn't the medicine cat who was dying.

     Then Moonclaw moved. She looked up at Spottedsong weakly. "Get moss to clean up the wound. Get as much as possible," she rasped.

     Spottedsong nodded, still stiff with shock, and shot into the trees in search of moss. But another cat stopped her. Bloodfur, a half-blind, small but deadly black tom. She unsheathed her claws instinctively. "What do you want? Your—your—Moonclaw is dying!"

     "So what?" Bloodfur spat. "She was never of much use."

     Spottedsong bared her teeth. "She went back and forth gathering clueless cats like me to do your dirty work. That sounds like she is of more use to MoonClan that you ever were."

     Bloodfur's single eye flashed with rage and he lunged toward Spottedsong, thorn-sharp claws gleaming in the broad daylight.

     Spottedsong knew she couldn't take him on. She turned and fled. MoonClan cats aren't as strong during the day, she reminded herself. Perhaps I can defeat him in a fight. Even though she considered it, she didn't dare turn around. She let out a panicked yowl to warn anyone else nearby, but then with a flash she was on the ground and writhing for her life against Bloodfur. "Let go!" she screeched.

     "No one talks to a MoonClan cat like that," Bloodfur hissed in her ear. "Also," he added, straightening, "there's no use trying to help her. Cypressstar brought friends along."

     Spottedsong strained to look toward Moonclaw's motionless body. No, no, no. Is she dead? She can't be. She saw multiple other cats around her. Foxclaw looked nearly dead, lying limp a whisker-length away from Cypressstar. "Stop! Stop all of this!" she cried.

     "Oh, but don't you understand that you're powerless against us?" Bloodfur sneered just before a powerful force hit Spottedsong in the head everything went black.