The next few days were the worst type of feeling Alaska had ever felt. She stayed with the Diaz family, Eli and Demetri not leaving. She'd puke, and when she wasn't puking, she was shaking from being so cold, and when she wasn't doing that she was struggling to eat, and when she wasn't struggling to eat, she was running a fever, and when she wasn't running a fever, she'd have the worst full body ache in the entire world. Alaska swore she'd never felt as much pain as she did over those few days, and she could imagine she never would ever hurt as much as she hurt now.

"Is it normal for her to be puking this much?" Miguel asked his mom with worry in his eyes, looking toward Alaska who had puked her guts up for the third time just this morning. It had been a few days since Alaska had any drugs and her body was started to react to it.

"It's her body trying to get use to not having it, Miggy." Carmen said as Alaska moaned in pain as she laid on the couch, her head in Eli's lap. Carmen whipped a little bit of sweat off her forehead as Rosa fixed the fan to aim on her better.

"This seems like bullshit, she's hurting." Hawk said annoyed as he looked down at Alaska, the IV in her arm that Carmen had snuck away from the hospital.

"It's part of the process, this is the hardest part. She's gotten so use to using every day that her body has manipulated her in thinking she needs it." Carmen said as she saw the worry and fear in the boys eyes when Alaska leaned over and threw up into the bowl again, "She'll be okay."

"Oh god, here." Demetri said as he gagged at the smell, plugging his nose and holding the glass of water out to Alaska. She whined as she took it with a small smile, sweat coating her body as she breathed heavy, "Maybe we should take her to the hospital."

"No!" Alaska groaned as Rosa set the wet rag on her head gently, "They'll just send me away!"

"Yeah, that's kinda what happens to drug addicts." Demetri said as Miguel hit his shoulder, "What? I'm worried about her!"

"Hey, hey." Carmen spoke softly to the boy, "I know what i'm doing, you have to trust me, I wouldn't put her in danger."

"This'll all be worth it soon, I promise." Miguel spoke softly to Alaska as he bent down to be on her level with a small grin, "I'm really proud of you."

Alaska gave him a forced smile with a sniffle.

"I'll get her a new bowl." Miguel said as he cringed but picked up the puke bowl. His eyes set on Eli who was looking down at Alaska guilty like, her eyes barley open as her chest heaved, "Demetri, you'll come with me."

"You want me to deal with puke?" he asked with a look of disbelief. Miguel gave him a knowing look, nodding toward the pair as Demetris eyes widened in realization, "I mean, yeah! Puke!"

"I'll get breakfast ready for these karate champs." Rosa said with a grin, squeezing Eli and Miguel's cheeks before she kissed Alaska on the head, "Sentirse mejor, Mija."

Alaska smiled through closed eyes. Carmen rubbed her head again as she checked her IV, "I'll run you a cold shower, it'll help."

"Thank you." Alaska said weakly as she gave a gentle smile, trying to even her breathing but failing. Her body ached, wincing when she moved a certain way. Carmen had fixed her stitches but because they couldn't risk letting her have any medication right now, she was feeling that on top of her body riding all the toxins.

play cry baby by the neighbourhood to get the full effect .

Eli ran a hand through her hair as he looked down at her. He sighed, shaking his head, "I'm so sorry."

Alaska hummed as her eyes opened up to look at him, "For what, little bird?"

He cracked a sad smile at the familiar nick name, "You did this because of me, didn't you?"

"No." Alaska said quickly as she sat up, painfully but with his help it was barabul, "Of course not. Don't try and blame yourself for this because that's the last thing I want."

"Then why?" he begged to know, looking at her with the same eyes Alaska recognized when someone would hurt his feelings, "What made you do all this? Why didn't you tell me?"

Alaska put the breath mints into her mouth and drank her water, "Around the time I got my stitches. I pushed myself too much with karate, I wasn't healed and I didn't let myself. I needed to stay on the team so I needed a better pain killer, it was stupid of me, I can't believe I actually convinced myself I would stop."

"So it got worse? Not just for pain?" he asked her, eyes scanning her face as Alaska nodded and looked down, "I wish you would have told me."

"I know." she said, whipping the sweat from her face as she messed with her IV, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen."

Eli shook his head at her, pushing some of her sweaty locks from her face, "Its not your fault, it just really scared the shit out of me when I found out."

Alaska looked at him with a slightly confused expression as Hawk looked around for a moment to make sure they were alone, "Ive heard stories about that stuff... no one lives through it in the end. I thought you were gonna die if I let you leave, i'm sorry I held you down like that."

"I'm glad you did." she said honestly as he looked at her, "In my mind, when I left the dojo, I was going to go shoot up the rest of it and take as many pills as I could until I didn't feel bad anymore. God knows what would have happened then, considering I already did the expect same thing that morning."

Hawk looked down into his lap, messing with his fingers, "But I should have known, I knew you've been acting different and I didn't do anything."

"It wouldn't have helped." Alaska said to him as he looked over at her with hurt, sad eyes. For the first time he looked like just Eli again, like he was still that gentle and innocent boy she knew a few months ago, "I was really deep into that stuff, Eli, I felt like I would die without it. I still feel that way, right now. Nothing you would have said would have stopped me, and I know that sounds selfish but it's true."

She reached for his hand, he let her take it with a sad smile, "Probably didn't help I was being such a bad friend though."

"You weren't being a bad friend." Alaska shook her head softly, knowing what he was hinting at, "I was really high that day, and i'd been drinking. I was talking out of my head and i'm really sorry for that."

"You don't have to be sorry for that." he said with a shrug and looked away, "I know that's how you actually feel, i've been able to tell."

"How?" Alaska asked as he gave her a grin.

"Because I know you better then anyone. Like right now, you're going into detail so much because you're lying." he said as Alaska cracked a grin and looked away, "I know I changed a lot, it's just hard to explain why. I'm really sorry for what I said, I didn't mean any of that."

"I know why, you don't have to explain it to me." she said to him with a shake of her head, "I just miss it a little, I guess. You were just the same way for so long and I kinda feel like I don't have you here anymore sometimes."

Eli looked at her, his eyes were soft and sad, "What do you miss?"

"You were so gentle, and you just loved me so much." she said as he watched her every move as she spoke, "I just don't feel that way anymore, I guess."

"I do love you still." he said to her as Alaska stared at him, "I've just been a little scared to show it."

"Why?" she asked him, finally feeling like they were talking like they use to for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Because I don't want to slip back into that weak, pathetic kid I use to be." Eli spoke to her as Alaska bit her lip to stop from talking as she blinked slowly, "I really hated myself back then, you know. I don't want to feel that way anymore, i'm scared I will if I let that side of me out again."

Alaska nodded understandingly, "I can understand that."

"You can?" he asked her hopefully as she nodded gently with a sad smile.

"Of course I do." she said as he gave her a small smile, "But affection doesn't make you weak, being soft every now and then doesn't take away from that tough guy act."

Eli laughed at her words while Alaska did the same, holding her stomach in pain as she did so, "Tough guy act that kicked Bert in the face?"

Alaska laughed harder as she hit him and shook her head, "Stop, it hurts so bad."

"I'm not doing anything." he defended himself, laughing alongside her as Alaska whipped her eyes with a smile, looking at him and reaching her hand up to touch his face, "I like that we're talking like this again."

"Me too." Alsaka admited as she stared at him, "I am really proud and happy for you, for liking yourself more now."

Eli stared at her, his eyes flickered to her lips, staring for a moment before she looked away, "I better go take that shower, did you bring your clothes for the tournament?"

"Yeah, do you have something to wear?" he asked her, helping her stand up, "Are you sure you can come? Maybe you're not ready."

"I'll be okay." she said, "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

•

kylie speaks

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