trigger warning: this chapter will consist of a really horrible panic attack and harsh drug withdraws. i know it can be very hard for some to read about, especially recovering addicts, so please read with caution or skip completely. if you ever experience the acts that will be shown in this chapter, please, please, please reach out. if you have a sponsor or a safe person, call then immediately. if you do not, here's a drug addict hotline.
1-800-662-4357

Alaska couldn't breath.

That's all she could comprehend, not breathing. She felt like her body was lit on fire, like her lungs were being flooded with water. Her vision was spotty, her hearing going in and out. There was a horribly weight on her chest, gasp for air being heard as she paced the hospital hallways. Alaska speed to the hospital, right behind the ambulance as Demetri was taken into surgery immediately.

Alaska replayed what happened in her mind over and over, hearing it. She could get the imagine of Eli breaking Demetri arm out of her head, hearing the cries and the snap over and over again. Its all that played in her mind, no matter what she did. Alaska tried to take a breath, failing miserably as she paced horribly. Her hand ran through her hair as she cried out in pain, clutching her chest.

Alaska watched over and over again as the nurses disappeared into the medical closet behind the desk, the sound of the door opening echoing horribly in her ears. Alaska held her ears, the sound of pills only getting worse. She could smell the drugs, nurses sprinting around her with different liquid medication and syringes in their hands. Alaska couldn't breath, nothing was fixing her, nothing was helping.

Drugs would, they always did.

Alaska dialed Beths number quickly as the thoughts filled her head, crying as she continued to try and find her breath. Beths phone went to voice mail, Alaska called her over and over again as the pills hitting got louder, almost mocking her. Beth didn't answer, the tenth voice mail making Alaska throw her phone at the wall harshly.

The teen took off down the hospital halls quickly, crying out as she tried to rid her mind of the sounds, clear her vision of the things she wanted the most. It was dark out as Alaska ran into the parking lot, being honked at as she sprinting to her car. Alaska struggled to get the door open, sobbing as it finally flew open and caused her to throw herself inside quickly. Alaska was shaking as she tried to start the car, crying harshly because she couldn't take a breath, because her lungs were tightening, because she never wanted to relapse so hard in her life, because Demetris arm was broken, because Beth wasn't answering, because her life support had done something she never thought he would.

Alaska couldn't remember when she managed to start her car when she came back, only seeing herself driving down the streets of the valley. Her knuckles were white from the way she gripped the steering wheel, her vision horribly blurry. The streets hadn't been busy yet, not enough people on the road that could cause her to wreck from her horrible driving. Alaska hit the gas harder as her body seemed to take control, taking her to the place she didn't want to go to.

Alaska never felt like she'd been dying so bad in her life.

She was freezing but sweating. She was dizzy but filled with adrenaline. She was sobbing, shaking. Alaska yelled out loud to herself, as if she was two, "Turn around!"

She didn't turn around, she couldn't, she was gonna die.

She couldn't breath, vomit resting in her throat, nearly coming up each time she tried to gasp for a breath that wasn't there. Alaskas hit her breaks so hard that her head hit the steering wheel. She didn't even feel it, despite the bruise that was minutes away from forming on her head. Alaska threw herself out of her car when she got into the lot. Her car was still running, door wide open as she stumbled in a sprint.

"Alaska!" familiar yells were heard as car lights shined on her in the apartment complex building. Alaska was so far gone she hadn't been able to care who called her name, only coming back when she was tackled fo the ground.

"No! Let me go! I can't fucking breath! Let me go! I need it! I need it! Let me go, let me go, mother fucker!" Alaska was yelled at someone she hadn't even known, her strength fighting as she tried to get to the apartment stairs, "Drew! Drew! Drew, fucking help me! Drew! I have money! I have it!"

"Alaska, Alaska, stop." Carmen begged as she fell on her knees infront of the hysterical girl, begging Johnny with her eyes to hold her tighter, "Please, listen to me!"

"Get away from me! Leave me alone! Get away!" Alaska yelled as she fought in Johnny's arms, shouting at Carmen. She didn't mean anything she said, Alaska no longer had control over her words or body. Her addiction had taken over her, had spoken and acted for her. Carmens tears weren't noticeable to her as the mother figured tried to hold her face. Alaska had head butted Johnny multiple times, hurting him in many ways from the way she tried to break free.

Miguel and Alaska had a agreement that he'd track Alaskas car incase she were to drive to Drews ever again, incase something like this ever were to happen.

"Alaska! Damn it! Alaska!" Miguel yelled from the car. He was crying and thrashing in the seat. He couldn't move, he couldn't get out of the car and help her. Miguel opened the car door and hit the pavement harshly, using his arms to barley move forward, "Alaska! Alaska, please! It's me, i'm right here!"

Alaska cried out as her body got so tired, puke flying from her mouth into the disgusting apartment parking lot. Johnny held her tightly as Carmen pushed her hair away. Alaska sobbed as she threw up, listening to the voice, "Its Miguel! I'm right here! I promise!"

He couldn't move much, his arms not doing much. His voice was loud her way. Alaskas felt weak as the amount of fighting she had done got the best of her. Alaskas eyes felt heavy as she suddenly fainted in Johnny's arms.

Alaskas memory was some what of a blur when she woke up the next morning, sleeping next to Miguel who barley shut his eyes out of worry. He told her what happened, bits and pieces coming into her mind as she seemed in shock and in disbelief at how she acted. Even when Alaska was first in recovery, nothing had ever been this bad.

She told Miguel everything that happened, had a break down in the middle, and told it again to Carmen and Johnny over breakfast. Alaska was well aware how emotional she seemed, how weak they probably thought she was. She couldn't remember a time she ever cried this much, she wasn't even sure if she truly had cried this hard in her whole life. It's like that was all she could manage to do, cry and scream. She couldn't fight, she couldn't call Eli, she couldn't turn to drugs, she couldn't do anything aside from let her emotions over take her for a few more hours before the house phone called, Sam on the other line to tell them Demetri was out of surgery.

The whole ride was a complete blur, everything was a blur. Alaska only heard a few words every few minutes, never enough to say anything back. Maybe it had been shock, maybe it was the worst form of heartbreak. Nothing was there, she felt still and numb until she came around the hospital corner.

"Alaska." Demetri spoke.

And she was back.

Alaska took her first real breath as she saw him, her vision slowly clearing as sounds and words came back to her. She took advantage of breathing, taking in as many breaths as she could as she walked over and crawled into the hospital bed with him, "I'm so sorry, Demetri."

"It's not your fault." the lanky boy said with a frown, leaning into her more as Alaskas head dropped onto his good shoulder, eyeing the plain cast just before her eyes, "I can't really feel it now."

"I bet you're gonna have a really funky smell when that thing comes off." Alaska confirmed as she nuzzled into his neck some, "Can I stay here?"

"Always." Demetri said, his good arm going around her. Though no one told him what had happened to her in the last few hours, he knew somehow, he knew she wasn't okay. He needed her just as much as she needed him, they understood each other without having to say it. Demetri was Alaskas very first friend, Alaska was Demetris very first friend. As they laid in the hospital bed together, the pair made a silent promise to never let anything ruin them again.

•

kylie speaks

i'm not going go
lie, this was a
hard thing to
write. i feel like
a lot of shows and
books romantics
addiction and always
make it seem like
it's a "cool and
quirky thing"
*cough cough*
skins *cough cough*
but no one ever
talks on the pain
and withdraws that
follow. this is real,
this is what happens to
addicts and it's
nothing to romantics
or encourage in any
matter. i started this
book because i noticed
the lack of true addiction
stories, i hadn't expected
it to turn into some
wild, best friends to lovers
love story along the way
but i am happy it did. i
hope people that are
uneducated have a sense
of how real and how out
of control addiction is. i
also can hope that if there
is any addicts out there that
alaskas story will bring them
peace and a sense of comfort
knowing that their story
is being shared within a
character i made so
fast in my head because i
knew that this topic needed
to be spoken on. i love
you all, and i'm here.