college au
songfic — if i could tell her by ben platt ( play when the text is in cursive )

•

Oh, how Milo hated Fridays. A rare sight, but his whole body could not stand the idea of another Friday coming, of another party held by the Alpha Phi Alphas. He never wanted to go. Not because he didn't enjoy the parties, the liquor they offered or the fun that usually lasted until bright morning hours. He very much did so. In fact, he was a regular member of the Alphas in his freshman year of college, which was a golden jackpot for him.

Until he met Chay.

The petite guy who got lost during his first day at college. Milo was sitting in the shadow of a tree that day, a cig between his lips and a random girl laid her head on his leg. He didn't even know her name, but Brad said she was a catch so Milo decided to play along. He was surrounded by the guys from the fraternity, girls as well who decided to tag along but the conversation just went in and out of his head. He could not keep his eyes off Chay.

His arms were being swallowed by the number of textbooks he held and the thin, round glasses were sliding down his nose. He wore a long black and red checkered pants with black boots and a white cotton vest that showed off his pale arms. On his back was an old plaid backpack with many pins of fandoms and amongst them, a single rainbow pin.

Oh?

It was a desperate fight for Milo, he fell then and there, and he fell hard. Almost as hard as Chay did when he tried to save his glasses from falling but dropped all of the textbooks. Laugh from his peers snapped Milo out of the trance and he saw all of them standing up already.

"What a loser," Brad spoke and pushed back his mass of black hair with dyed turquoise tips. He was a catch, Milo had to admit that. With his rocker punk style, pierced ears and old band tank tops that showed a bit more of his body, he got half of the campus fanning over him.

"I'll catch you guys later, gotta run and hand in a project," Milo said and scratched a spot under his bandana. The group just waved him off and slowly walked towards their house while Milo wasted no time to run and help Chay collect his books. The boy was shocked at first, especially by Milo's rocker appearance since he got his style from Brad, but he smiled and pushed back the glasses on his nose.

"Thanks." Chay breathed out once they were back on their feet and Milo immediately stuck out a hand for him to shake.

"Milo, mechanics major, a sophomore." he didn't even realise why he was holding in a breath or why he said his major and year, but it made Chay smile so he was scoring some points.

"Chay, political science major, freshman." he shook his hand back and Milo couldn't hold back the smile.

"So, you seem a little lost."

"Is it that obvious?" Chay asked with a smile while Milo snatched away half of his textbooks to help him carry all of them.

"I offer you a one time opportunity of a tour through the whole campus!" Milo bowed and Chay laughed, pushing back his glasses again.

"And what will this offer cost me?" Chay asked with a tiny smirk. Milo shrugged and put his hands behind his head as they started to walk.

"Dunno, maybe a coffee?"

•

Ever since that day, they've been spending more time together, which only gave more reasons to Milo to love Chay. He loved the freckles sprinkled all over his face. His habit of pushing up his glasses when he's nervous. How he bites his lip when he's studying. When he helps Milo study and asks him questions he doesn't know the answer to, that smug face. His fashion style, the way he styled his dorm.

It also sadly gave Chay enough time to fall for Brad.

Milo really couldn't blame him. He had a crush on him in his freshman year too! And since they were hanging out at the fraternity house most of the time, Chay got a pretty nice view of Brad. Milo hated it. He hated how the freckles on Chay's face got covered by red whenever Brad walked out shirtless from the shower. He hated how his adam's apple bobbed whenever he saw Brad making out with some chick during their Friday parties. He hated to watch.

But one night, after the party, Milo thought he had a great idea. An idea that turned out to ruin it all.

"Man, I never know what Brad thinks of me!" Chay whined as he plopped himself on Milo's bed. They decided to clean up in the morning and Milo's bedroom was untouched since he always made sure to lock it during Fridays. He turned on the LED lights behind his bed frame and on the ground, putting on a nice blue light which he loved seeing Chay in. He also turned on the fairy lights on his ceiling so their eyes wouldn't hurt.

"What do you mean?" Milo asked as he sat down in a beanbag he had in the corner. He grabbed an old guitar and started strumming a random tone. He didn't play much, but Brad taught him a thing or two.

"Sometimes he looks at me like I'm some kind of a slime monster, and then he is gulping down shots with me, acting like the best of buddies!" he whined again and pressed his palms on his already red face. The fact that Chay had a giant crush on Brad was ultimately a secret only among him and Milo. But Milo hated such a responsibility.

"He thought you were...awesome,"  Milo muttered as he started to play on his guitar.

"He thought I was awesome? Brad?" Chay asked with his eyebrows raised.

"Definitely!"

"How?" Chay wondered and laid on his stomach, supporting his head with his hands.

"Well...he said, there's nothing like your smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real. He said, you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel." Milo strummed his guitar softly and closed his eyes, not even daring to watch Chay as he said all those lies but truths at the same time. "And he knew, whenever you get bored you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans. And he noticed, that you still fill out the quizzes that they put in those teen magazines." Milo chuckled slightly finally opened his eyes, meeting the mesmerized gaze of Chay.

"But he kept it all inside his head. What he saw he left unsaid. And though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you, he couldn't find the way, but he would always say...if I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him, how he's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart, and I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him, if I could tell him."

"Did he say anything else?" Chay snapped Milo out of the song, with his eyes absolutely wide.

"A-about you?"

"Never mind, I don't really care anyways-" Chay panicked, as well as Milo did.

"No, no, no, just - no, no..he said, he said so many things, I'm just - I'm trying to remember the best ones. So um...He thought, you looked really pretty, er..- it looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair." Milo said, referring to that one time when Chay tried to catch Brad's attention by dyeing his hair too.

"He did?" Chay asked with a soft laugh.

"And he wondered how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn't there. But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid. If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him how he's everything to me..."

"But we're a million worlds apart..." Chay joined him and Milo looked at him, Chay played with the hem of his cotton vest.

"And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him...if I could tell him! But what do you do when there's this great divide?"

"He just seemed so far away."

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?" Milo didn't know if he should be thankful or hate how dense Chay could be.

"It's like I don't know anything." Chay shrugged and laid back on the bed.

"And how do you say 'I love you'? I love you, I love you, I love you...But we're a million worlds apart and I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him...if I could." Milo sighed and his fingers fell down the strings, ending the tone in an ear ripping tune.

"You're joking." Chay finally said and folded his arms on his chest. Oh, how Milo loved when he puffed out his freckled cheeks like that.

"I..." and there, Milo made the decision that would shape his world in the way he never wanted. "I'm not!" he blabbed and Chay looked at him with his glasses messed up, cheeks red and eyes glowing. Milo could melt and still be thankful. He wanted to jump on that boy, sprinkle kisses all over those freckles he had and never ever let him go.

"Woah..." was all Chay said that evening.

•

Milo didn't see Chay for three days and he was going insane. He couldn't sleep, dark circles formed beneath his black eyes and even Brad said he looked like shit. If only Brad actually shared his emotions like Milo pictured him in the song, maybe he would have known what happened. And maybe, he wouldn't be on his way to Chay's dorm, just minutes away from a disaster.

He knocked on the door twice and waited exactly ten seconds ( he counted ) for Chay to open. There stood Chay, glasses again messily placed on his nose. His fluffy cold brown hair seemed like a tornado ran through it and he was wrapped in a black galaxy blanket they often shared during movie nights. It was obvious he was crying. His nose was red and eyes puffed, plus a scrunched tissue was stuck behind the blanket.

"Chay, what-" before Milo could even finish, a strong slap landed on his cheek and made his head turn. Milo did not expect such strength to be hiding inside Chay.

"You lied to me," Chay muttered and Milo immediately connected the dots. Oh no, he thought. "Brad doesn't feel shit towards me. And now I can't even go out of my dorm without people pointing and laughing at me every step I take."

"Why would they...?"

"Because I was so sure that I did it during lunch break in the park! Brad just laughed at me and left me standing there." Chay sobbed but quickly composed himself again.

"Chay, please-"

"Shut up." he stopped Milo and glared at him one last time. Milo's heart shattered under that gaze. It was filled with hate and disappointment and sadness. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying as well. "Goodbye." was all Chay said before he slammed the door in Milo's face and left the boy standing there, completely broken, the same way he was. Milo banged his head on the door a couple of times before he slid down and leaned against it, trying to muffle the sobs with his hand.

Guess it was too late to tell him.