"The nerve of that man! I mean, one thing goes wrong, and he's on a warpath. I mean, doesn't know who I am? No, no, Ray, you know exactly who I am. You just can't handle it!" Allison went on a rant in the middle of the small yet lovely salon.

"Men are the worst." Lavender said from where she was seated with the lamp shade still on her head, painting her nails.

"Right? I'm protecting him." Allison said as she yanked rather hard on Klaus hair while Vanya finger gunned the bottles on the shelves.

"Ow! From what?" Klaus questioned as Allison yanked.

"As any good wife would do, I mean i'd do the same if it wasn't literally Klaus's family." Lavender went on as Klaus gave her a sweet smile.

"Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya spoke up as she looked at them through the mirror on the wall.

"Well, it did last time and we did everything Five could think of to stop it." Allison spoke as she began to tease Klaus's hair but he couldn't manage to stop moving.

"Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird?" Klaus asked as he stood and put a cigarette in his mouth.

"Klaus, shut up."

"Okay, ew!"

"What?"

"Oh please with Miss "Luther was my lover."" Klaus mocked Allison as Lavender gave a snort.

"Member that time he got so pissed at me when I helped Allison to her room?" Lavender asked as Klaus laughed loudly at the memory.

"We have never even kissed." Allison defended herself as she put a hand toward the two.

"Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other." Klaus said as he rocked on his heels to the music.

"Aren't we all brothers and sister?" Vanya asked with a very confused and disturbing face as Klaus snorted

"Oh, baby, not me, no. Five just brought me here because we got stuck in time together." Lavender spoke quickly, not sure if Vanya knew yet, "But Allison and Luther are, yes."

"Well, technically it's-" Allison began with a stressed look as Klaus cut her off.

"If you have to use the word technically, you're already in trouble." Klaus said as Allison sighed before looking to Lavender who avoided her eyes.

"Can we focus here?" Allison spoke up as Lavender agreed while taking the lamp off her head.

"I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe, we could at least try and save my marriage." Allison spoke as Klaus poured himself other drink as Lavender gave him a slap on the ass on his way by.

"No! No! Because that's like, that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationship?" Klaus spoke up as he looked at each other them before pointing to Vanya, "This one? In secret love with some farm Frau."

"Her names Sissy." Vanya corrected.

"Which is an important improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer." Klaus mumbled as Allison gave him a knowing look.

"What?" Vanya asked before Klaus pointed to Ivy.

"Then Lav has tried to divorce me so many times because she doesn't know relationships, I mean I was kinda her first everything-" Klaus began before he was cut off.

"Could you not, right now?" she asked him loudly as his hands went up in surrender.

"Meanwhile, i'm married to the woman I love that also mothered my brother, and Luther is in love with his sister."Klaus went on as he held one hand in the air, his palm tattoo on full display.

"Okay, again, we are not biological." Allison pointed out with a very much annoyed sigh.

"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin." Klaus spoke as Ivy let out a booming laugh, "The only thing The Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up or confuse everyone."

"He's kinda right." Lavender agreed with a loud sigh, "Even though we're odd soulmates."

"Very odd soulmates that I wouldn't change for the world." Klaus said with a blow of a kiss her way.

"Cheers." Allison and Vanya said at once.

"How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked as the faint music from the radio made Lav shut her eyes and sway in the slightest.

"What?" Allison asked her with raised eyebrows.

"I mean all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world." Vanya began to list on as Klaus cut her off.

"Well, I get really high. Allison... Allison lies to herself." Klaus whispered as Allison kicked his chair, "And Lavender turns into a mom for everyone."

"It's true, I've got like hundred of kids at this point." Lavender said as she looked to Vanya who grinned.

"And you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you... you blow shit up." Klaus said as he resembled the blowing up with his hands.

"Or throw people with your mind, I know from experience." Lavender hummed as she patted Vanyas shoulder while letting Allison pull her hair back.

"Yeah, i'd really like to do neither of those anymore." Vanya said as Klaus raised his eyebrows.

"Smartest decision any of us has ever had." she spoke while Allison ran her hands through Lavenders hair.

"Well you've got six days." Klaus said as he looked over at her while toying with the clips in his hair.

"What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?" Allison spoke with a crazed look on her face.

"I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her." Vanya said suddenly as Lavenders eyes widened.

"I'm in love with this thought." Lavender spoke with a wink toward Vanya.

"I don't want any secrets." Vanya said with a shrug as Klaus nodded his head while Allison turned with wide eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right! Yes, cause, you know, if... if it's all gonna go tits up the lease I could do is be honest with my husband." Allison said as Lavender cheered for her.

"Oh... does that mean we have to face out cult?" Klaus asked with a loud sigh and Lavender cringed, "I just hate group break ups, it's why we stopped dating twins."

"This family's amazing." Vanya said as she threw her hands in the air.

"Yeah, sure." Klaus laughed along side his sisters.

"You say that, try marrying into it." Lavender spoke as Klaus pulled her from the chair to sway.

"Okay, lets not get ahead of ourselves." Allison laughed as she put her hands up while Klaus put his arms around her and Allison.

"Come here, Vanya." Klaus said as Lav held out her arm much like Klaus and Allison did, "Come on."

"I love you guys." Klaus mumbled as Allison laughed loudly as the four hugged each other tightly.

"Oh! You guys! I love this song!" Allison said with wide eyes.

"Shake what your robot mama gave you." Lav cheered as the four let each other go as the four moved the the beat of the music together at first before breaking off on their own.

Lavender swayed her shoulders as she held her lamp shade close, humming the lyrics while spinning slightly, a dramatic expression across her face much like her family did on their own, having the time of their lives together.

Klaus pressed a loving kiss to Lavender forehead while pushing the lamp shade up some.

•

kylie speaks.

my heartttt,
lav and her lamp
shade are iconic.
also would kiss
for klavender
any day of the
week.