A/n: WARNING mature shizzle is still happening.

I was excited and I was disgusted. I was impatient and I was scared. I was happy and I was unimaginably sad.

I buried my face in my pillow in an attempt to hide from the world when I was filled up by Taehyung's cock for the very first time, and I cried.

Oh, how terribly it hurt. It was so painful I thought I would die, but the only person who had ever cared about the real me was becoming one with my body, and it felt amazing.

"Moj aniol? Are you crying?"

"Keep going," I mumbled, sniffling against my pillow as I was stretched and adjusted to take another man's cock. "Just keep going."

Taehyung's slow thrusts into me made the entire bed sway like we were on a boat at sea, and I stared blankly at the horizon as I came to the horrifying conclusion that I couldn't get the love back. It had been compromised. Tainted. Ruined. Reality had crashed into it and turned it to ashes, and I had to accept the fact that I could never trust my best friend again.

Whatever was once there, had sadly passed away.

"It feels so good moj aniol," Taehyung panted as he rolled his hips into me again and again. "Is it g-good for you too?"

I couldn't love him.

A tear rolled down my face as I grieved in silence for everything the butler and I would never get the chance to be.

I couldn't love him, but maybe I could hate him? Hate was a feeling. Hate was a powerful feeling, and if it could replace what we once had... "C-call me a whore," I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut to keep myself from sobbing. "Call me a s-slut."

"W-what?" Taehyung stuttered.

"Call me a whore," I said again, losing sight of myself and reality. "I'm a whore..."

The butler pulled me up like I'd been drowning in a pool, and made me get on my knees as he hugged me from behind like he wished to squeeze the pain right out of me. He kissed my shoulders in total worship of my existence, and tried to force his affection past the bulletproof shield I had created around myself. "I would never call you such a thing," he said, caressing me as his thrusts became even more gentle. "You are my angel. My sun. My universe."

"Tae..." I squeaked, shaking my head as everything became too much. He would never let me hate him. I could never hate him. How could anyone ever hate him?

"You are so precious to me," the butler said, turning my head to kiss my cheek.

A breathy moan flew from my lips when the butler began to set a faster pace, his cock reaching deeper and filling me up even more. "T-tae~ please~"

"You're so beautiful," the butler growled into my ear. "You have me bewitched..."

"Tae, you m-make me feel so am-mazing~" I whined, my body going rigid with pleasure as the butler kept hitting the right spot.

"It is my honor, moj aniol," the man whispered, nudging his nose in the crook of my neck. "Ne postoji ništa na ovom svijetu u čemu više uživam..."

I came with Taehyung's lips on my neck, his hand on my cock, and his dick up my ass. I came with him all over me, and I came despite the lack of love, and the lack of hate. My body turned out to be quite shallow, as the only thing it really seemed to need was my butler's touch to be satisfied...

The sensation of Taehyung's cum seeping into my ass felt good, and to hear him moan my name into my ear felt even better.

I was now officially no longer a virgin, and Kim Taehyung had been my first everything. It had been a stressful, disorienting experience, but a weight fell off my shoulders after it was done, and the feeling was so overwhelming I burst out into tears yet again.

"My lovely angel," Taehyung said, slipping out of me and tucking me against his chest. "Why do you cry? Did I do something wrong? Did I mess it all up?"

I shook my head and cried and cried. "I d-don't know w-what to do with you," I sobbed. "You keep being so good to m-me... so perfect for m-me... it h-hurts..."

Taehyung kissed my forehead even though I was blabbering nonsense. "Is there anything I can do?" He asked, and I could hear the desperation in his voice. "Is there anything you need me to do?"

I wiped my tears and shook my head, my body cooling down as the afterglow faded. It took all of my strength to crawl away from the butler, but I managed to climb out of bed with my arms wrapped around my waist, leftover tears still dripping down from my flushed cheeks.

"I want you to leave," I said with a stuffy nose. "I want... to be alone."

Taehyung's entire body visibly drooped, and he looked defeated in a way I'd never seen him do before. He stared up at me, and though I expected him to be angry with me, his voice was calm as ever when he spoke. "I made us wait too late, didn't I?"

The silence that fell spoke book volumes. I wanted to give the man the truth and say yes. I wanted to tell him that I knew he'd been a spy for my father all along, and that I knew everything had been an act. But I couldn't, because it would sting too much.

Instead I made myself small, and prayed that the butler would just leave, because I didn't have it in me to shout at him.

Taehyung got up from the bed and quietly picked his clothes off the ground. He got dressed, and looked so terribly depressed, you would think someone had died.

When he grabbed the doorknob and twisted it, he looked back at me just one last time, and I could swear there were tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said softly, barely meeting my eyes. And then he did as I'd asked him, leaving my room with a lowered head.

__________

The next morning, I woke up just as benumbed as I had been for the past month.

My mind wandered to a book I once read, which explained that human beings needed five crucial things in order to achieve happiness in life.

They were listed as the following:

- physiological needs: water, food, rest.
- safety needs: security.
- belongingness and love needs: intimate relationships.
- esteem needs: feelings of accomplishment.
- self actualization: achieving one's full creative potential.

The book said that lacking even one of these needs, could stop a person from ever experiencing joy. So I couldn't help but chuckle to myself on that early morning, when I realised that only one of those five needs were actually being met in my life.

I, a seventeen year old heir to more money than I could ever hope to spend, turned out to be just as emotionally crippled as some poor orphan in the projects.

To the world, it probably looked like I had everything. But the truth was that I had nothing. I had absolutely nothing.

Knock, knock, knock

I propped myself up on my elbows when my butler entered my bedroom, balancing a lavish breakfast tray on his hand that I knew I wouldn't be touching.

"Morning," I sighed, combing a hand through my messy hair.

"Goodmorning, moj aniol," Taehyung said, crinkling his eyes at me. "I wasn't sure wether you wanted to have breakfast downstairs today, so..."

I swallowed dryly and shook my head. "I won't be having breakfast downstairs again. Nor lunch, nor dinner. I've... come to realise that placing myself among the servants so often was childish and improper."

Taehyung's eyes fluttered, and I could see him try to hide his shock. "Is it because of me?"

"No," I said right away. And it really wasn't. Me caring for my servants had put them all in great danger. Without ever meaning to, I had turned their lives into toys my father could take away if I ever misbehaved, and I was so terribly ashamed of it. My servants were such lovely people. Such brave, kind spirits. I wasn't worthy of them, and the only chance they had of survival was if I carved them out of my life for good. Their blood could never be on my hands. I would sooner kill myself than let that happen.

Taehyung set my tray of breakfast on my nightstand, and just as I thought he would finally let his frustrations show, he remained composed again. "Is... is there anything you need?"

"No," I said, catching my lower lip between my teeth. "But, I have actually been thinking about giving you a new position in the house."

Taehyung blinked like a doll. "A new position?"

"Yes, as groundskeeper. I just-- I no longer find myself needing a butler, and it's no secret to anyone that you enjoy the outdoors much more than this stuffy house so, I thought it might-- I thought that it would make you happier."

"You... want me out of the house?" Taehyung asked softly.

"Oh, you would still sleep here," I said. "Your work would just be... outside."

Taehyung took a deep, deep breath, but of course he wouldn't lash out. "If that is what you wish..."

I gave the man a curt smile, but he wouldn't return it.

"Is there... something on your mind?" I asked, pulling my covers a bit further over my chest. "Anything you wish to tell me?"

Taehyung's gaze dropped to his feet, and he began to fiddle with his attire like a nervous child. "I do have to tell you something," he said. "And if I do not say it now, I do not... I do not think I will ever have the strength to try it again."

"Tae..." I whispered, shaking my head.

"Moj aniol, I have fallen in--"

"I am so happy that you are my friend."

Taehyung's lips broke apart for the smallest of moments, and I could almost see the crack slice into his soul after he silenced himself.

"You are... a wonderful person and I- I am so grateful to have you in my life, and I... want us to remain friends for as long as we can. I want us to help each other... for as long as we can."

I could barely see the butler breathe. He stood frozen, and the look on his face was almost enough to make me feel bad. "I was afraid you'd grown to despise me," the man murmured.

"Oh, I could never, Taehyungie," I said, speaking nothing but the truth. It was true that the butler had been unfaithful to me, and that I could never trust him with the secrets of my soul again, but that didn't mean our little arrangement had to be cancelled. That didn't mean we couldn't still make each other feel good from time to time.

"I am glad to hear that," Taehyung whispered, though the lack of a smile on his face made his words seem insincere.

I dove a bit deeper under my covers and longed to sleep the day away. I didn't know why, but being awake and talking to people had gotten so much more tiring for me. "I think I'll just rest in my room today, so you can spend your time as you'd like."

Taehyung nodded, but it looked as though his feet had grown roots into my floorboards. "Alright."

"Have a good day," I sang weakly, closing my eyes.

"You too," Taehyung said, his voice so soft it was barely audible. "Sir."