You are to return to Calabria in Februari. Arrangements need to be made.

- Capo dei capi

I could do nothing but sigh at the telegram in my hands, before crumpling it up in my hand and shoving it under my matrass.

To return back to Italy after the last four months seemed absolutely impossible, and now I was to return even earlier than planned? My father's wish was my command, but I could hardly understand how the man still thought me worthy of taking over the family business.

He had given me a new family. A new home. A new life. And now I had to be sucked back into the drama of summer-school within less than a month?

I looked back at Taehyung and sighed at my sleeping beauty. He'd overslept again, which meant that the other servants had probably found his own bedroom downstairs empty again. If he kept being so careless they would start thinking something was going on between us... did he not care about what they would say?

I got up from my bed and wrapped myself into a robe, a seriously pressing matter on my mind that simply had to be dealt with.

I left my bedroom, hopped down the stairs, and made for the library with determined footsteps.

Just as I'd thought, Namjoon was there, meticulously dusting off my books. The footman cared a great deal for my library, as he was allowed to borrow books from it whenever it pleased him so. From time to time, we would even discuss stories together, and it had forged a connection between us I never previously imagined us to have.

"Goodmorning, master Park," Namjoon greeted, giving me a small bow. "Did you have a good rest?"

I smiled and nodded. Sleeping in Taehyung's arms was one of the easiest things in the world. "Yes, I did, thank you for asking."

"Looking to read another book?" The footman asked. "I have a recommendation if you'd like."

I shut the door behind me, which struck the footman as odd, because the library doors were usually kept open. "I'm not here for a book," I said, sitting down in my reading chair and signing the footman to take a seat as well.

Namjoon swallowed thickly, his grip on his featherduster tightening. "Is anything the matter?"

I shook my head. "Not at all," I said. "But I do have a question for you."

The footman seemed a little frightened all of a sudden, which I didn't fully understand. I was but a seventeen year old kid. Surely I couldn't be that intimidating.

"Ask away," Namjoon said, quickly taking a seat on the couch.

"The thing is..." I started, stacking my legs over each other. "I would like to know how two men have sex."

The silence that fell after my question was louder than bombs, but I tried my very hardest not to be embarrassed.

Namjoon stared at me for a few seconds, before wheezing in disbelief and frowning as though he believed he was dreaming. "You-- you--"

"I don't know the answer to this question and I've been getting plagued by it," I said, keeping a fully straight face thought I could feel my cheeks start to burn.

"Forgive me master, but h-how old are you again?"

"Seventeen!"

"R-Right..." Namjoon stuttered.

"I'm old enough to know the answer," I said with an indignant huff. "You have to tell me! O-or I'll order you to do it."

"P-please calm down, sir," Namjoon chuckled, his face gradually becoming the same color as the velvet red couch he sat on. "Sir, why did you not go to Jin with such a question? He's always had a knack for communicating with childre-- with y-young people."

"Because I knew you would tell me the unadulterated truth. You are a terrible liar, you see, while Jin is excellent at it."

"B-but what would you even do with the information young master?" Namjoon asked, looking like he wished to run far, far away from the library and never return.

"That is absolutely none of your concern," I said with a raised chin. I stared at the footman with squinted eyes, needing the truth like a drug at this point. What Taehyung and I had been doing for the past months was wonderful, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. There simply had to be more to it all and I was determined to find out what it was.

"L-look, master Park. When-- when a man and a woman love each other--"

"I already know how that works."

"Just--listen," Namjoon said, holding out his hands. "When a man and a woman love each other, the reason for their... copulation, so to say, is usually for the purpose of offspring."

"I agree," I said, perking a brow at the footman.

"But for men... when it comes to men that-- well, that obviously isn't the case."

I cocked my head, entirely lost on when there footman was going with this explanation.

"Look, what I am trying to say, is that sex between men isn't so focused on what goes where and who does what, young master. It's more so about feeling good. About exploring together... pleasing each other, that sort of stuff."

"Okay, so, feeling good..." I said, fumbling with my fingers. "Could you describe that in some more detail?"

"Master Park--"

"Oh, just whisper it in my ear if it's so damn difficult for you to say it out loud!" I cried, slamming my fist against the armrest of my chair in a fit of frustration.

Against what I'd expected, the footman nodded instantly, getting up from the couch and shuffling toward me like a shy kid. He leaned in and brought his mouth close, before whispering five words in my ear that would change my view of the world forever.

"CHE COSA!?"

____________

I'd been avoiding Taehyung for nearly a week now.

I didn't want to admit it, but I had.

After breakfast I would lock myself in the library, saying I had homework to do. After lunch, I said I'd been reading a really good book that I simply couldn't put away. And after dinner, I would say I was exceptionally tired and in need of my rest.

I wasn't sure if the butler had noticed me spending less and less time with him, but if he had, and if it bothered him, he wasn't making it very clear.

"I'll be going to bed now," I said, wiping my mouth clean with a napkin before getting up from my seat.

"Tired again?" Taehyung said, smiling up at me. "You are busy during the day, so I understand."

I pursed my lips at the butler, balling my fists at his indifference of my troubles. "Yes, terribly tired," I lied, before fleeing the servant's dining hall and running upstairs.

I waited once I got to the entrance hall, and looked down the stairs with a hopeful gaze. It didn't make sense at all, but a part of me wanted the butler to come after me. To take notice of my odd behaviour and to demand a reason for my absence.

Did he not care that I was avoiding him? I wondered. That I no longer asked for his help with my desires? Or was he relieved? Happy that I was no longer making him do sinful things?

I began to bite my nails as my thoughts grew darker by the minute. Oh, love could be cruel, even if it didn't mean it. Love could be difficult, and deceitful, and terribly hard to grasp.

Or was I just too weak to handle it?

"Mój anioł?"

"Oh, you fool!" I yelled when Taehyung came up the staircase, shoving him against the wall when he gave me that goofy smile of his as though nothing was wrong.

"Jimin? What is the matter?" Taehyung asked, wincing when I punched his chest and threw a minor tempter-tantrum. "What did I do!?"

"Do you hate me!?" I asked, giving the butler's legs a kick.

"Ah! Ouch! Oh, b-bože, moj dragi je poludio," Taehyung stammered, immediately grabbing to his leg. "Mój anioł, please tell me what I did."

"Nothing!" I yelled. "We haven't done anything in a week and you haven't cared! You've done nothing!"

Taehyung's eyes grew wide with worry. "Y-you said you were tired, n-no?"

"For an entire week!?"

"But-- but--"

"I've been avoiding you and you didn't even notice it," I said, tears building up in my eyes as I felt my anger become obsolete. "You were perfectly fine without me, but of course you were..."

"Ljubavi, please..."

I exhaled a shuddering breath and stepped away from the butler. "You're not like me."

Taehyung reached out with his hand to cup my face, but I pushed it away.

"There's a reason why I've been acting different," I said, wrapping my arms around my waist. "It's because I had a talk with Namjoon the other day..."

"A talk with Namjoon?" Taehyung asked, seeking closeness once more though I refused him again by taking another step backwards.

"He explained to me how men do it, Taehyung. How it's actually done."

Taehyung's brows knitted together. "But is it not-- isn't it--?"

"A man puts his penis up the other man's arse!" I blurted out, slapping my hand across my mouth the moment I did because of how horribly crude it sounded.

Taehyung only blinked at me, and I held my breath with the fear that he would end up start yelling at me for saying something so explicit.

But the butler did no such thing.

Instead, he burst out laughing.

"Ah, mój anioł, please! You can't possibly believe that, no? Namjoon is joking! There is no way such a thing could ever happen."

"But-- I don't believe Namjoon would joke about something like that," I whispered. "He's always been very truthful with me."

"Think about it, mój anioł," Taehyung laughed, slapping his knees as he cracked up even more. "How could a penis ever fit in an ass? It is impossible!"

"S-so you don't think we should at least try it?" I asked, my voice becoming so small it was barely audible.

"Mój anioł are you insane? We could get hurt from trying that! And it sounds disgusting, does it not? What we have is fine. Why change it?"

A tense silence occured when Taehyung noticed that I wasn't laughing along with him. That I didn't believe his theory of it all being one big joke.

"Namjoon wouldn't lie," I said quietly, lowering my head as tears dripped from my lashes. "But I-- I completely understand that it sounds disgusting to you."

Taehyung closed his eyes as though he regretted everything. "Ah, mój anioł... nemoj plakati."

"Don't you worry about that," I said, smiling through my tears. "I am a boy. I don't have boobs, or a vagina, or long flowing hair, or anything else you are actually attracted to. I am terribly, terribly sorry for forgetting that you find me and my desires revolting, and I promise I shall never ask anything of you ever again. Now, I would like to excuse myself, for I didn't lie when I said I was quite tired. Goodnight, and please tell Hoseok I would like him to bring my breakfast up to my room tomorrow."

I ran to the first floor to hide in my room like a child, feeling a pain in my chest quite unlike any other I'd ever experienced.

I cried in my pillow, flashes of Taehyung's smile falling before my eyes and stabbing my heart over and over again.

Such a lovely boy. Such a lovely heart.

But it wasn't mine.

It would never be mine.

It was someone else's price.

And I could never be his.

___________

"Yes, father, I would like to leave for Calabria now, if that is possible."

"You know better than to ask if that is possible, mio figlio. What sparks this sudden phonecall?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," I said, nibbling on my lips as I tried to keep my voice from quivering. "I've just begun to loathe this winter..."