guys 4108 words, i'm screaming

HANAHAKI

- in which you fall in love with your best friend, namjoon, who doesn't return your feelings until it's too late; requested by Jessica_Blariti_Offi

Kim Namjoon; the man responsible for all your wild grins and spontaneous blushes.

You can still vividly remember the day you met Namjoon; the memory a pleasant one to think back to when you need a little cheering up. It was on a rainy day in second grade, your hands trembling as you sat by the window and watched the darkness swallow up the beautiful baby blue underneath. You ignored the ruckus of the class behind you and followed the lonesome drops of rain with your finger as they trailed down the window; your fear and fascination towards the storm outside spurring you to keep your gaze locked onto the playground.

You tilted your head to the side, resting it upon your forearms as your wide eyes managed to catch onto the reflection of a short boy with shaggy blonde hair and thinly rimmed reading glasses, his hands clasped in front of him as he watched you with dark eyes that seemed to hold a million questions while speckled with sparkly drops of rain.

Unbeknownst to you, your thin lips had pressed themselves into a soft smile at the sight of him, hands ceasing their trembling for a few relieving moments as you relished in how prince like he looked through the foggy reflection of the window.

You had soon realised that he had begun taking small but noticeable steps towards you, his hand nervously reaching out to ruffle his own hair to calm himself down. Curiously, you lifted a hand up to your own head of long hair, sifting your fingers through it in a similar fashion, mentally noting how it did feel relaxing in a strange way, your mind completely taken off the scary looking storm outside.

"Hello, Y/N," Namjoon beamed, his sudden greeting giving you a little fright, your lips parting in a gasp as he giggled to himself. "Sorry, did I scare you?"

Nodding wordlessly, you dropped your gaze to your fingers and slide yourself over so that there would be space for him. Smiling goofily, he shows off his adorable dimples as he takes the seat beside you.

"The storm looks pretty, don't you think?" He mused, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose as he stared at the grey mess outside in awe, mouth dropped open in clear wonder. You furrowed your brows together and squinted your eyes, averting your gaze away from him and to the storm, trying your hardest to see the beauty that he seems to see.

"No, it looks quite scary," you mumbled, lips jutted out in a pout of confusion and fear, the look making your eyes glisten with a flurry of emotions that concerned the young Namjoon. He chuckled to lighten the mood and swung his arm over your shoulder, innocently tucking you into his side as you flushed a cotton candy pink.

"But if you think about it, the rain is calming," he chirped, instinctively resting his head upon your shoulder. You frowned at this, feeling very comfortable in his embrace as he went on to explain further.

"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain," he instructed, closing his eyes after motioning for you to do the same. Sighing heavily, you obeyed, allowing your big eyes to flutter shut as all you listened intently to the sound of your breathing mingling with his as the soft pitter patter of the rain played as your background music.

"It sounds nice," you admitted, smiling softly as the fear you had towards the storm outside slowly began to morph into feelings of enjoyment. He hummed proudly, cracking open an eyelid to shoot you a look of child like adoration.

"Exactly," he croons, flicking his gaze back to the murky weather outside. "But if you ever get scared, just think of me and the sound of the rain. Trust me, it'll protect you."

And that's all it took for the pair of you to become inseparable.

Closing your eyes, you lift a mug of warm tea to your lips, taking a refreshing sip as the sound of the rain washes away all your worries, nerves and fears away; just like Namjoon promised it would. Habitually, a smile of contentment graces your features as you place your mug on the desk beside you, curling into yourself as you once again pick up the book that you lost interest in when thoughts of Namjoon filled your head, staring out at the rain with a look of love that had formed many years ago.

The annoying sound of your phone buzzing causes your smile to falter a little, your tranquility ultimately ruined by the disturbance. Reluctantly, you draw your gaze away from the mesmerising scene outside and allow it to fall on the illuminated screen of your phone; Namjoon's cheeky grin greeting you like the soft rays of sun on a perfect spring day.

Rolling your eyes in a fond and playful manner, you palm your phone excitedly and swipe to answer the call, placing your free hand over your mouth to hide the soft giggles that come falling from your lips.

"Hi, Y/N," he greets calmly, his words like vanilla pudding, sweet in their ordinary sort of way. The richness of his tone is luxurious and warm; a voice for you to sink in as it wraps you up in its embrace. Yet, it vibrates with power and command; almost like a thundering storm.

Only it would be one that makes you close your eyes and ache to feel the rain slide down your skin.

"Hi," you return a little breathlessly, eyes clouded dreamily as he chuckles knowingly, the shuffling following after his laugh a sign of him moving around. You use these few seconds to compose yourself, holding your phone away from you as you take a deep breath, cursing yourself out for being so foolishly obvious.

"Are you busy?" He inquires just as you return the phone to its place against your ear, your gaze absentmindedly returning to the weather outside, the furious blush on your golden honey cheeks dying down into a soft rose flush.

"No, not really," you mutter suggestively, twirling a lock of your soft hair in between your fingers. "I've just been watching the rain."

"Of course you have," he scoffs, his tone of voice indicating that he had said the sentence with that fond smile of his, the shape of his smile bringing out those dimples—as you're sure you've mentioned before—you adore.

"Why'd you ask?" You question playfully, rolling your eyes at how easily he mocks you.

"I'm bored," he admits sheepishly, your smile growing as you realise that in his moment of boredom he decided to contact you. "I wanna see you so I thought I'd ask if I could come over for a bit."

"Yes," You blurt out, slapping a hand over your mouth in shame as there's only silence coming from his end. Mentally groaning, you slip your hand away from your mouth so that it holds your chin, your eyes closed in concentration as you sigh. "I mean, if you wanted to, you're more than welcome."

"Well then, I'll see you in about half an hour," he concludes, bidding you a sweet goodbye as he hangs up, your head falling into your hands with a high pitched screech. Not only could you have potentially revealed probably your most life changing, relationship altering secret—one that you've been keeping to yourself for over eight years—to Namjoon himself but you could've also made him suspicious about your odd behaviour.

If you haven't already made it obvious enough, your close friendship with Namjoon goes further than just platonic love for the man.

You can't recall exactly when you had realised that your heart always seemed to pick up its pace when he approached or that your stomach always seemed to erupt into a million tickling butterflies whenever he flashed you a dazzling grin or brought you into his always protective embrace.

But you had known the minute this realisation had hit you that this crush was not going to fade anytime soon.

However, unlike most when it comes to talking about their crushes, you had hope that you and Namjoon could progress into something more than just best friends. After many hours searching online, you had found yourself sprawled out on your bed, overthinking every little thing Namjoon has done for you.

No guy will just hug a girl from behind without there being some type of romantic intention, right? And, the head kisses? Many girls with guy best friends say that they don't normally show straightforward affection like that. Besides, he's never come to me for help with crushes and he always says I love you when I'm feeling upset. That can't just be because he thinks of me as a friend.

It went on for years of just waiting for him to confess to you until one day, the universe finally decided to put you out of your misery. Namjoon had just dropped you off from school and bid you goodbye with a quick kiss on the cheek and a heart warming smile. Grinning goofily, you had stumbled into your house and squealed into your hands until you felt something tickle at your throat.

Furrowing your brows together, you hunched over and coughed, the tickling feeling in your throat fading away as each cough got more and more violent. Eventually, you had cracked open your eyes and gasped at the small pile of pretty rose petals gathered around your feet and in your cupped hands.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what was happening to you; your heart and lungs aching terribly as you slid down the door with tears burning in your eyes.

You've only heard stories of this strange disease and, if you're going to be honest, you didn't believe in its existence until that exact moment where you had been sitting in your ironically beautiful and pitiful pile of one-sided love. Hanahaki is the name for this heart breaking disease. It entails coughing up flower petals when the victim suffers from one-sided love.

Subconsciously, you flatten your hand against your chest, rubbing slow circles as a dull pain begins to form in your heart. Since the day you found about your case of Hanahaki, you began praying every night that Namjoon would return your love and rid you of the suffocating feeling that having those petals fill up your lungs give you.

"Y/N, open the door!"

Namjoon's yell startles you, your eyes widening as you stumble clumsily out of your room and jog to the front door, hand trembling as you wrap your fingers around the knob. Yanking it open with no hesitation, you let out a gasp as two warm arms wrap around your middle, your face pressed into a chest as the familiar smell of vanilla and musk calms your nerves.

"Hi, Joon," you sigh, cuddling into his slightly damp jacket as he buries his face into your neck. Your lips jut out into a pout, throat feeling constricted as he pulls away with a betrayed yet concerned frown, his thick eyebrows furrowed together.

"Are you okay? I was calling you for over three minutes," he mumbles, holding you by the shoulders as he examines you for any injuries or a clue as to why you took so long. You chuckle softly, mindlessly cupping his cheek with a soft shake of your head.

"I'm fine, I was just distracted. Sorry for leaving you out in the rain," you apologise, pulling him in so that he's in the warmth of your house instead of the harsh cold outside. The frown on his face melts away instantly, his smile practically glowing as he shrugs nonchalantly.

"You know how much I love the rain."

Casually, he drops his jacket to the floor and trudges into your room, throwing himself onto your bed with an exhausted sigh. Rolling your eyes playfully, you drop yourself next to him, resting your head on his chest; the sound of his heartbeat vibrating through you.

"What's up?" You ask nervously, hesitantly draping your arm over his middle. He wraps his slender fingers around your wrist and hums thoughtfully, allowing his eyes to flutter shut in contentment.

"I need your help with something," he finally murmurs, sifting his fingers through your hair slowly and lullingly, your breath hitching in your throat at the contact. Your lips press together into a thin line, head nodding against his chest for him to continue, your hands slowly trembling at what he could possibly need your help for.

"It's about Rei," he sighs.

Oh.

"Rei? The girl in your science class?" You inquire, sitting yourself up immediately. He blinks a few times in confusion before slowly sitting up beside you, his shoulder just touching yours as he nods gently.

"I think I like her."

How could you have not seen it? Of course he'd like her. With her witty remarks, need to challenge his thoughts and his tendency to always bring her up in a conversation, she makes up the perfect girl for Namjoon.

And judging by the countless times you've caught Rei staring at him from across the room, it seems that Namjoon has a very unlikely chance of experiencing what you are going through at the moment.

The thought alone and the way his eyes sparkle prettily at the mere mention of her brings on a dull yet growing pain in your heart, your lungs clogging up with petals of heartbreak.

"Oh? You do?" You gasp, feigning shock as he chuckles adorably and nods, clapping his large hands together. He then groans dramatically, dropping his head onto your shoulder desperately, your body unable to stop the fond smile from gracing your features.

"Yeah but it's hard to tell if she likes me back. She sits there and smiles at me, laughs with me, touches me—I don't know what she wants," he rants, clutching onto your shoulder childishly.

"I'm sure she likes you back," you console emotionlessly, ruffling his hair affectionately. He smiles up at you jokingly before slapping you on the arm. Grinning, you assure him that you're certain of it, gradually pushing away the feelings of hurt festering inside of you.

"So you'll help?" He questions expectantly, staring at you with hopeful, puppy dog eyes. You can't help but give in to them, your throat painfully itching with the need to cough.

"What are friends for?" You shrug, offering him a goofy grin as he tackles you to the bed in a hug, cheers of excitement falling from his perfectly shaped lips as his warmth brings on a wave of hurt over you.

He can't be mine, he won't be mine.

And within just a week, Namjoon had landed the girl of his dreams while you were left to wallow in your ever growing pile of petals and loneliness.

*

It's been many years since you last saw Namjoon; the man gradually leaving you behind for his girlfriend.

After spending a night of stalking him through social media, you had found out that he was still happily dating Rei and seemed to be happier without you. Albeit, the fact that you were still infatuated with him while he was out living life hurt more than the suffocating feeling building up in your lungs.

The Hanahaki only got worse when he left; each cough sending ripples of scalding fire through your lung, making your lungs ache terribly and torturously. Your mind was always plagued with thoughts of him returning to you and promising that he'd always love you thereby ridding you of the disease.

You had finally decided to move on when days turned into months and there was still no sign of him returning.

The very next week, you were in the operating room, removing all the petals from your system. By doing so, you had lost all romantic feelings for the boy who once made you feel like you held the galaxy in between your fingertips. All you wanted know was to have him back as a friend.

You just hope that he misses you as much as you miss him.

Namjoon stares out his window longingly, his hand trembling as he lazily drags a cup of steaming hot coffee to his lips, barely even registering the burn of it as it coats his tongue and slides down his throat, a new round of short lived energy surging through him.

His own pathetic looking reflection stares back at him; his features gaunt and eyes surrounded by dark bags that represent his lack of sleep. He scoffs in distaste and turns himself around, his gaze now resting on the empty apartment in front of him.

It wasn't always like that though.

A few months ago, the lovely and warm presence of his beloved used to fill up his apartment pleasantly, every corner covered with her special touch. However, when he had walked into her workplace on her birthday, his only intention to surprise her with a romantic dinner, he was devastated to find her moaning some other man's name so sinfully.

Everything thing he had built up over those blissful years he'd spent dating her, everything he had sacrificed and lost had gone to waste.

He didn't even hesitate in breaking up with her, only after enduring the two hour lecture she gave him on how pathetic a boyfriend he was. Some days, he feels relieved that he no longer has to put up with her lies and her endless stream of insults.

Other days, like this unfortunately boring one, he sits by himself and craves to be loved. It's days like these where he still wishes he had you to cry to, to hold and to continue showering him with your support.

He just wants you back.

He leans back onto his couch, coffee mug now out of interest as it rests on the table beside him. He ponders on this thought as he allows his hand to rest on his face, eyebrows furrowing together in mild confusion. Most of his most recent thoughts have been merely focused on you; your appearance, your warmth, your always affectionately brightened eyes, your hugs and your presence.

Immediately, he sits himself up, lips parted in disbelief as a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. Instinctively, he presses a hand to his chest, capturing his lip in between his teeth as he feels his heartbeat pound against his chest erratically.

And as he catches a glimpse of himself the reflection, he can't help but chuckle at the gorgeous pink that colours his cheeks.

It's been you! It's been you the whole damn time!

Shaking his head in frustration over his clear stupidity, he snatches a jacket strewn across the couch and makes a mental plan as he begins the jog over to your place.

His breathing is in shambles by the time he reaches your place, his hands trembling like crazy as he hesitates on whether he should knock or not. After all, the pair of you haven't seen each other for quite some time.

"I should just go," he mumbles, quietly turning to make his return but the sudden downpour of rain has him halting his steps, a fond smile replacing his look of nervousness as he wonders if the universe had purposely done that so he would have to go through with the meeting.

Either way, it has him knocking hopefully on the door.

It's silent as you open the door, staring at him with your mouth dropped open, eyes wide with fear. His expression, however, is one of relief and the desperate need to be forgiven.

"Hi," you breathe out, finding the situation oddly similar to one a few years back. It almost makes you smile as you recall the way he had so eagerly brought you into his arms, but the sadness you feel for how he so stiffly stands outside—as if the two of you are strangers—overpowers the slight hint of positivity.

"We have to talk," he announces with his chest puffed out, comically making himself look strong but you can see the pleas for help darkening his irises. Nodding quietly, you close the door behind you and step onto your porch, the sound of the rain easing the nerves that tickle your spine.

"Wouldn't it be better to go inside?" He questions playfully, the underlying concern for your lack of warmth obvious as you shake your head, eyes gleaming with nostalgia and mischief.

"You know how much I love the rain."

"Of course," he chuckles, "How could I ever forget?"

You drop your gaze to the wooden panels beneath you, hands fiddling with each other as you resist the urge to pull him into your arms and express just how much you've missed him. Maybe it'll rekindle those feelings of love or maybe it won't. Whatever the outcome of the idea, you don't mind as long as you know that he'll be there with you.

"I broke up with Rei," he whispers, keeping his crumbling gaze locked onto you, his vision blurring with the sudden arrival of tears. You immediately snap your head up, eyes wide with concern as you take a step closer to him, hand resting upon his forearm supportively.

"Why?" You gently press, aware of his supposed sensitivity to the topic.

"She cheated on me with her boss while she was at work," he shrugs, chuckling sadly to himself as if he deserved the whole thing. "Before I ended it, she made sure to remind me just how pathetic I am."

"Oh, Joon," you sigh, barely even thinking about it as you wrap your arms around his torso and bring him into your embrace, rubbing your hand up and down his back in a soothing manner as he buries his face into your neck.

"But, it's a good thing," he reassures, pulling away to hold onto your shoulders with small smile as your allow your hands to rest on his waist. "Because I realised something extremely important about us."

"Us?"

"Yes, you and I," he confirms, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. "I realised that I chose the wrong person. It was you who made me the happiest and I'm hoping that you forgive me for leaving you behind but I want to start something with you."

You freeze, tears dropping onto your cheeks without your knowledge. He catches them with his thumb, his coos blending into the sweet rhythm of the rain, your heart cracking all over again.

"I can't hold anything romantic with you, Joonie," you sigh. "I tried before but you weren't interested so I moved on. I'm so sorry."

He halts his movements, nodding his head slowly as he feels his lungs begin to fill up with something that isn't air. Dropping his hands to his side, he offers you an unfazed smile.

"Can we at least be best friends again?"

Laughing in relief, you launch yourself into his arms, squealing as he spins you around, your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. Stopping to place you down gently, he raises an amused eyebrow at you.

"Of course we can, idiot!"

You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek, tapping it twice before making him promise to call you later.

"The rain is getting heavier, you should head home. I'll see you tomorrow, Namjoon," you vow, waving him goodbye as he jumps down from your porch with a giggle, his smile strong as he flicks his hood over his head and makes his way back home.

Stopping on the side of the road, he rubs at his sore throat, his eyebrows furrowing in extreme concern as the tickling feeling doesn't seem to be going away at the soothing motion of his hand.

He curls into himself and coughs haggardly, his hand covering his mouth at the feel of there being something spilling out. Groaning, he pulls his hand away, gasping when he sees a pretty array of rose petals—each petal the colour of your soft and plump lips—laying there innocently. His breathing evens out as the feeling of recognition of the petals settles in, his eyes gleaming in determination—tears also beginning to brim the edges—while his lips press themselves into a thin line; raindrops tracing the outline of his face.

"I'm not giving up on you."