❝GOODBYE COUSIN❞
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⋆𐙚₊˚⊹ chapter sixty-six,
Gilmore Girls — Season Three

𝐀𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐥 𝟏𝟖𝐭𝐡, 𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟑
―୨୧⋆ ˚ LUCY'S POV

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𝐈'𝐌 𝐔𝐏𝐒𝐄𝐓. 𝐈'𝐌 𝐌𝐀𝐃. 𝐈'𝐌 𝐇𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐑𝐘.

I'm chomping down on the cereal in my hands, tapping my foot against the floor to calm my raging heartbeat, and I'm considering yelling at Jess, but I don't know if that's the smartest thing to do. However, I have a lot of things I need to say, and he needs to hear it before he leaves.

I have all this pent-up frustration that I want to unleash, and the only person here is Jess so he can be on the brute end of my annoyance.

"Why the hell aren't you graduating?" He makes a noise, obviously about to speak, but I continue to talk, "I mean, you're one of the smartest people I know, so you should be graduating. I mean, you could've asked me for help and I would've done it in a heartbeat, Jess. I could've got you on the right track. You could be graduating with us next month, but you won't be because you chose to work full time."

I shake my head, still in disbelief about that.

"That's why you were in a funk at the party. You're not graduating." I place my box of cereal down, afraid I'll take my frustrations out on the beloved box of Lucky Charms. "I can't believe you. After everything my dad has done for you, and this is how you pay him back?"

"Lucy..."

I stand up, agitated and fidgety. "Seriously, do you do this to spite him? All he's ever done is support you. All he's ever done is defend you. All he has ever done is care for you, and this is how you treat him. He doesn't ask for much Jess. All he asked for was for you..." I jab a finger in his direction. "...to graduate high school, and you couldn't even do that."

"I don't need a recap, Luce."

"No, I think you do." I snatch the box from him that he's been eating from, and I place it down next to mine. "You could do anything, Jess. You could be anything── be anyone── and you just threw that all away for what? A twenty-percent discount and a blue vest?" I shake my head, wanting to relieve the pounding in my skull but I've never been so... annoyed in my life at anyone. "You can have so much, Jess, but you don't try. You don't do a damn thing, and it infuriates me."

  He looks down at the floor, staring mindlessly at his shoes, so I continue to talk, "Do you really think so little of yourself? Do you think that you shouldn't have the same opportunities as everybody else? Is your self-esteem seriously that low, Jess?"

  "I don't want to talk about it."

  "Well, tough luck, Jess. This is what "cereal hour" is, isn't it? We sit here, eat boxes and boxes of crappy cereal and we talk." I pick up our boxes, push one into his hands, and I sit on a box across from him. "Talk."

  He stares at the box in his hands, and after several mouthfuls of Lucky Charms, he finally takes a deep breath and talks. "I don't know why I do it," he admits. "I-I don't know why I didn't just try. I-I thought I had it handled, Lucy. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was graduating high school." He chuckles. "I don't know what this blind faith you have in me, but I don't have it. I'm not going to be something, Lucy. I'm not going to have anything── not when I couldn't even graduate high school."

  "You did this to yourself," I say as politely as possible, but it just comes out harsh. "My dad has given you countless chances but you won't take them, Jess. Why?"

  "I don't want them," he tells me. "I don't want your pity. I don't want Luke's pity. I don't want──"

  "Why do you self-sabotage yourself all the time?" I ask, hoping he'll look over at me but he doesn't. He keeps his eyes on the box in his hands, and he takes a few more awkward handfuls of cereal to avoid the question. "Jess."

  "God, Lucy. Why do you have all this faith in me? Don't you see it? I'm not graduating high school. I don't have a home. I don't have a family. I don't have anything, so I can't be anything."

  I scoff, and I place the box of cereal next to me. "The reason you're not graduating high school is because you didn't try, alright? You don't have a home because you refuse to accept help from anybody. But you do have a family, so don't you dare say that you don't. You've got me, you've got my dad── that's all you need."

  "I'm leaving."

  "And where will you go?"

  He shrugs. "California, I think."

  "What's in California?"

  "My dad," he mutters, and I scoff. He's going to leave Stars Hollow and go to California to see his father── the man that abandoned him.

  "Are you serious?" My head falls into my hands.

  "Oh, come on. Like you wouldn't do the same."

  I lift my head. "You see, that's where we're different, Jess." I push away, standing again. "I would never, not in a million years, go chasing after my mother. I don't care if she walked in here on her hands and knees── sorry for what she did── I'd never go anywhere with her. I want nothing to do with that woman, and you shouldn't want anything to do with your father."

  "You're telling me you're not even a little bit curious about her?"

  "No," I answer quickly.

  "Yeah, right."

  "Jess, the truth is, I don't care if that woman is dead," I admit. "She's been dead to me my entire life, and if I ever do get the misfortune of meeting her, I can promise you I will never look at that woman in any loving, affectionate way."

  Jess looks at me, and I think he can see that I'm telling the truth. I want nothing to do with the mother that birthed me, and for him to even think that I would means that he obviously knows nothing about.

  "Luke should've told me about my dad, Lucy."

  "What good would that have done?"

  "Well, I'd know."

  "You do know!" I yell. "And even though you know that he's still the piece of crap that walked out on you, you still want to go and follow him to California. Why?"

  "You don't get it, Lucy."

  "Then explain it to me, Jess. Talk!"

  He rises to his feet, obviously annoyed. "You have this sick, loving, mental-institution of a town looking out for you. You've got a parent who didn't abandon you or turn to drinking or drugs just to cope daily. You've got a parent who loves you── who provides for you, who loves you regardless of your screws ups. What the hell do I have, Lucy? Nothing, that's what. So, yeah, maybe it's stupid that I'm going to go and chase after the man who abandoned me eighteen years ago, but I have nothing better to do. I have..." He inhales sharply, his voice wobbly, and my face drops, realising I've unleashed a vulnerable, hidden part of my cousin. "I have nobody. I have nothing."

  He takes a step back, turning away from me, and I take a step forward. "Jess." I place a hand on his shoulder and he flinches, stepping further away. "Jess──"

  "You don't get it, Lucy. You don't get the life I've lived." He looks down at the ground. "The annoying truth is... living here has probably been the highlight of my sad, sad life, and I went and screwed all that up." I knew Jess had it hard── much harder than me, but I never imagined it to be anything like this. "You're lucky you have Luke. I would've killed for that, Luce. No wonder you want nothing to do with your mother when you've got a parent like him."

  I know how lucky I am to have my dad, and now I realise just how indescribably blessed I am to have my father. Jess didn't have a dad or a mom because both let him down his entire life, and now he's going to leave because he doesn't think he has anything better but he does.

  Regardless of what he says, I still have faith that he'll make it one day. He'll figure it all out.

  It doesn't matter how difficult his life has been, Jess Mariano is going to make something of himself one day, I just know it. One day, I'm going to say, "I'm Jess Mariano's cousin," and somebody is going to gasp in excitement because he's going to do the world and himself proud, I just know it.

  "I'm sorry," I whisper, but I know those words hardly carry any meaning. "I-I know I'm lucky, and I'm so sorry that you didn't have that, but this doesn't need to be the end, Jess. You can still stay here and go to school and──"

  "No!" He turns around, now looking at me, and I swear I see tears glistening his eyes which surprises me. He's hardly shown any emotion ever so this is shocking. "I'm not staying here. I'm not going to school. I need to get out of here. I need..."

  I look away. "Okay."

  "I can't stay here." I look back at him, and he looks away. If I'm not mistaken, he seems sad about leaving because he'll be leaving this. He'll be leaving this whack job of a town. He'll be leaving Rory── somebody I think he actually loves after all this time.

  "This is the last one then?" I pick up my box of cereal, waving it in front of him, and I see him force a smile onto his face.

  He takes the box from me. "Yeah. I guess it is." I swallow the emotion bubbling in my throat and I clench my fists, looking down at the floor as Jess holds the box of cereal. "You seem... sad."

  I shrug. "I guess I actually kinda loved having you here," I say, looking back at him. "It was... nice having another friend, I guess."

  "Yeah. It was."

  "If you ever..." I sigh, reaching for the box of cereal again. "If you ever find yourself back in town, and you need another cereal hour, just call one, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

  He nods, and I push the box back into his hands. "Okay."

  "Bye, Jess."

  "See ya, Luce."

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𝐈 𝐖𝐎𝐊𝐄 𝐔𝐏 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐀 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐓𝐎 𝐀 𝐁𝐎𝐗 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐄𝐃𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄. I reach over, taking the box of unopened Lucky Charms, and I unfold the neon pink post-it note which belongs to me, and I find that Jess left the note. I suspected he had more to say after our talk, and I guess I'll get to read it now.

Attached to the box of Lucky Charms, the post-it note reads, "Thanks for the cereal hours. I owe you a few boxes. I'll probably (not) pay you back in the future. Good luck at Yale. See ya, Luce." I smile sadly, reattaching the post-it note to the cereal box, and I place the box back down on the bedside table── right next to the teddy bear Dad gifted me when I turned one.

I lean back against the wall, my eyes flitting over to his side of the room. He's gone. He must have left early this morning. Most of his stuff is still here, but I imagine he only took a few belongings with him anyway as he's travelling to California without a car because Dad still has it hidden somewhere, and I still don't know where.

Dad walks back into the apartment whilst I'm making my morning coffee, and the second he walks in, I step over to him and embrace him. He seems a little taken aback by the action, but he hugs me nonetheless.

After talking with Jess about his lack of parental figures, I realised I haven't thanked my dad enough for the life he's given me. He truly is the greatest dad alive, and I will go to my grave saying that. No matter how difficult things may get once I go to Yale, I will always have this special bond with my father. I will always have him looking out for me. I have what most people want, and I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in world.

"You okay?" he asks, and I nod, looking up at him.

"I'm great," I reply, taking a step back. "I just... I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I'm really, really grateful for you, and I know Jess is grateful too, he just..." I shrug. "...has a hard time accepting help, I guess."

Dad nods, moving past me to sit down at the table. I know he's probably beating himself up over the fact that Jess is gone, but he has to know that he did everything he could to give Jess a chance, and he didn't take it. Dad has done nothing but care and support him, and one day he'll realise just how lucky he is to have my dad in his corner.

I sit down across from him. "Are you okay?"

"I feel like I failed him," he admits, and I frown.

"You absolutely did not fail him, Dad. You gave him countless chances, and he refused to accept your help in the end, but you did not fail him. Jess just..." I sigh. "...needs some time to figure it all out, but one day he'll realise just how lucky he is to have you."

"I just wanted the best for him, Luce. I just needed him to do better." Dad looks down at his hands, looking defeated.

"I have a feeling he's going to be okay," I say, offering him a genuine smile. "I really think he'll surprise us."

Dad scoffs. "You think?"

"I have a good feeling."

  Dad nods, leaning back in his chair. "Look, I need to talk about something else so..." He pauses. "How about we talk about your graduation?"

  "What about it?"

  "Well, do you have an outfit? Do you need money? Who's going? Do you──"

  I laugh. "Dad, calm down."

  "Sorry."

  "I have my outfit picked out── I'll show you it later," I begin. "I don't need money. Uh, Tristan is going, and Maisie and Buddy will be coming too. And I think you're going. Are you?"

  He scoffs, glaring at me. "Yes, I'm going."

  "Well, good. I kinda need you there to listen to my speech." I still need to write my valedictorian speech but I have a general idea of what I'm going to write.

  "Right." Dad chuckles. "My daughter, the valedictorian." When I told him, he was over the moon. He hugged me. I got free cake from Maisie and Buddy. He was proud of me, he always is. "Have you sorted your speech out?"

I shake my head. "No, but I will. I just need to speak to Principal Merton first." I need to speak with him about my speech and another matter that came to me last night.

"Shouldn't you be at school now?"

"I have a free period." Thank God. "School is basically over. I only have a few more exams and then..." I hold my hand up. "...I am done!" Dad claps his hand over mine.

I stand up, moving to my side of the room to pull out whatever clothes I can find in my dresser so I can actually get ready for school. "Hey, uh..." I look over my shoulder at Dad. "I was thinking we could take a trip when you graduate."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. I was thinking we could do the great American road trip."

"Like Jack Kerouac?"

"Exactly."

"That'd be nice," I say, looking away from him. "But I thought you and Nicole were going on that cruise."

  Dad mentioned that he wanted to take Nicole on a cruise, and because he deserves a trip away from the town and the diner, I insisted that he go on the three-week long cruise. Sure, it'll be the longest we've ever spent apart but I think it'll do him some good to get away. And I won't be entirely alone as I've got Tristan, Lindsay, and Addy until she leaves for her family vacation── this time with Nathan too.

  Dad doesn't reply to me, and I turn to face him only to find that he's looking away, looking awfully distracted. "Dad? What's going on?"

  He shrugs. "I don't know if the cruise is such a good idea."

  "What? Why?"

  "Because it seems too much like committing."

  "Committing what? Suicide?" I sit back down across from him, and he doesn't look amused by my obvious joke. "Is there something you aren't telling me because──"

  "No," he interrupts. "Going on this cruise might make Nicole except something that I'm..." He pauses, wanting me to fill in the gap but I can't figure out what he's talking about. "...you know, not ready for."

  "Okay," I drawl.

  "Look, you're going off to college soon, and I need to prepare you for leaving and──"

  "Don't you mean, you need to prepare for me leaving," I correct, and Dad sighs. "The trip is only three weeks, Dad, and it's after our great road trip, right?" I know the cruise is sometime in August, so that gives us plenty of time together. "We'll spend a lot of time together before I leave, and even when I'm at college, I'll be coming home constantly."

  "Constantly?"

  I nod. "Yep. Constantly." I offer him a smile. "Just please consider going on this trip, okay? You deserve a break, Dad."

  "Can't wait to get rid of me, huh?"

  I roll my eyes. "I love you, Dad, but you're going to need to branch out and go a little wild when I leave for college, alright, and what better way to start by going on this trip with Nicole."

"Go a little wild?"

I nod. "Go a little wild," I repeat.

  "Okay. I'll consider it."

"Good. I'm awfully persuading."

From home, I go to school and during my second free period, I choose to visit Principal Merton instead of studying. I'm confident I'll pass all my exams, and I have plenty of time to study later tonight, so right now I'm going to talk to Principal Merton about... something.

  This something sprung to mind last night, and while I have no idea how this conversation will pan out, I still want to try.

I knock on his office door, and he calls me in. "Hi, Principal Merton."

"Miss. Danes." I step into his office, shutting the door behind me. "Everything okay? Is this about your speech?"

I shake my head. "No, no. My speech is coming along nicely. I'll, uh, have that to you by the end of the week." I place my bag down, sitting on the chair across from him. "I wanted to talk to you about..." I laugh awkwardly, a little afraid for this particular topic. "I know I have no right to bring this up, but... I wanted to talk about Jess."

Merton's eyes widen, obviously surprised. He clears his throat, leaning back in his chair. "Jess? What about him?"

"He's gone," I say, and Merton nods his head. "He left this morning, and I understand that you said he wouldn't be graduating, but I was wondering if I could maybe ask you to reconsider?"

"Excuse me?"

  Okay, that came out a little harsher than I intended it to.

"Look, I know I have no right," I quickly say, trying to refocus. "But Jess is one of the smartest people I know. He deserves to be graduating with the rest of us. I know he made some mistakes, and I know he's difficult, but he is a damn good worker, Principal Merton. I-I can prove that."

"You can prove that?"

"I wouldn't be going to Yale if it wasn't for him."

"Miss. Danes──"

"It's true," I interrupt. "He proofread my essays. He gave me advice. He spent hours showing me how to write and appeal to the admission offices. He's helped me so much, and I would just never forgive myself if I didn't try and help him like he's helped me."

"Jess missed too much school, Miss. Danes. He will not be graduating regardless of how he helped you."

I sigh, sinking back into my chair. "I know you probably warned him, but you never told my dad," I say, and he jerks his head back. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I promised myself I'd exercise every possibility. "It doesn't matter that he's eighteen. My dad was his guardian and you should've spoken to him about Jess not graduating so he could've helped before the situation got out of control."

"Miss. Danes, I suggest you stop talking about this. Your cousin will not be graduating."

"But──"

"End of discussion."

I sigh loudly, recollecting my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. "Sorry to bother you," I say, realising I can't say much else, but there is something I can show him.

  I reach into my bag, pulling out several pieces of paper. I place it down on his desk, my heart thumping in my chest. "What is this?"

  "It's his first draft of a novel he's been working on." I had no idea Jess was writing anything, especially when he had no time to do this, but I found it regardless. I don't know why he didn't take it with him, but he must have left it knowing I'd find it, right? "I was going through Jess' belongings this morning, and I found this," I say, flicking through the sheets. "I don't know if he wanted me to find it, but I did, and I read it, and his words are brilliant. He knows how to write. He knows how to work, Principal Merton."

  He looks from the draft on his desk to me, staring at me strangely. "I acknowledge your loyalty to your cousin, Miss. Danes, but this does not excuse the fact that he missed too much school."

  "Please read it," I say, inhaling sharply. "Jess Mariano is one of the reasons I'm going to Yale── one of the reasons my picture is on that wall, one of the reasons I'm standing here, defending him because he helped me achieve something I have wanted my entire life, and I will forever be indebted to him. Please just..." I sigh, moving away towards the door. "...give him a chance, Principal Merton. Please read his work. He deserves somebody else in his corner."

I open the door, closing it behind me.

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authors note:

lucy & jess will always be besties dw

so i think im going to write a second book following on from this one instead of continuing with this

i'm posting as soon as i write stuff bcos i wanna get this part of the story over and done with so we can move on to college lucy

there's only two chapters left of this story . . . AH