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ππππ ππππ, Liz refused to leave her bed. Not enough coaxing from Ester, Danny or even her Nana who called regularly after learning what happened was enough to convince the girl to leave the comfort of her mattress. All she wanted was for it to swallow her whole. She missed a lot of school, but Angela was kind enough to bring over her homework each day and checked on her. She didn't talk or eat, just slept and cried.
When week two rolled around, she was able to get out of bed, move around and eat. She went back to school, but she didn't talk to anyone. It was hard for her mind to concentrate when all she felt was a dark emptiness inside. She doesn't even remember being at school really, it all faded to black because though she may have been physically there, she was not there mentally.
By the third week, she was doing a little better. She was speaking more, attempting to pay attention at school, but she still avoided her friends. At lunch, she sat outside at one of the benches. She didn't care if it was pouring out. She'd take a couple bits of whatever they had served for lunch and then sit there until it was time to go to class.
That is currently the state she was in now. Liz was slowly recovering. It was hard, because whenever she closed her eyes, whenever she was left alone, she saw him. Seeing him made her feel different things. Anger was the main emotion, but that was not uncommon for the blonde. Anger is a familiarity she has grown accustomed to. The other feeling she had was longing. Because despite her last words to him, Liz would do anything, give anything, for Jasper to come back. To reverse time so she can convince him not to leave.
That is when the 'what if's' started taking over. What if she had said something different? What if Alice had never thrown that stupid party? What if Jasper never actually loved her? What if she fought harder? What if... what if... what if...
That is what she was doing right now. It was late October, three and a half weeks later. She was currently sitting on the couch on a Saturday afternoon, snuggling her comforter that she had dragged down from her bedroom and was sort of watching Scream, she wasn't really paying attention to it. Ester and Danny were both at work, so she was left alone. Liz got many texts and calls from her concerned friends. Even though they tried being sympathetic, they didn't really understand. Not really.
The only person who could possibly understand what she was feeling right now is Bella and the last she heard, Bella was worse off than she was. Liz hasn't seen Bella since that day, but she knows she's been at school. Apparently Bella was just like Liz, avoiding their other friends, but instead of sitting outside during lunch period, she would sit at the Cullen's old lunch table by herself.
Liz worried about Bella and a part of her wants to go see if she is alright but she found it difficult to approach the girl or find the nerve to pick up the phone and call her. If anyone was going to bring up Jasper and the others, it would be Bella. That is, if she is speaking. She overheard Ester and Danny talking to Chief Swan two days ago that she hardly says a word. He had come over here to check in and make sure everything was okay. They thought Liz was asleep, but she managed to sit at the top of the stairs and listen to the conversation in the kitchen. Apparently Bella was not getting better at all, her nightmares only getting worse and worse.
As terrible as it sounds, Liz can't help but feel grateful that her own night terrors weren't being triggered. It would have only made everything so much worse. But her headaches however... her headaches have been horrendous.
Ester told Charlie that she was slowly getting better, but a broken heart is a hard wound to heal. Because it wasn't a wound that could be patched up with a bandage. It took time and patience.
But as Liz laid on the couch, her feet tucked under her and watching as Sydney once again avoided the killer yet again, a thought came to her that triggered something so troubling that a loud gasp escaped her lips when it suddenly crossed her mind. A familiar thought, one she didn't like and one that she had fought so hard to never feel this way again.
The idea of dying to make the pain stop.
"No." She muttered under her breath, the blood under her skin boiling from the realization. Liz jolted up into a sitting position abruptly, her eyes wide and her face slowly shifting from disbelief until anger consumed her. She gripped a fist hold of her comforter, gripping so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She was physically shaking from rage and without warning, she exploded.
"Damn it!" Liz screamed so loudly that her voice cracked, taking the comforter and slamming it frustratingly on the floor.
No. No! Absolutely not. She will not let herself be teared down like this. She will not let herself crumble. She refused too. She has to be strong, even if she was destroyed inside, Liz needed to do what she did before. Pull her shit together, bury her feelings deep, deep down and try to get back to a somewhat regular life.
Liz was already broken to begin with. This was just another shattered piece of herself to add to the pile. She can't let this be the breaking point. She refuses to let this be her breaking point.
Liz then got up and rushed up the stairs as fast as she could and headed towards her room. She was now on a mission. She immediately headed towards her closet and grabbed one of her old shoeboxes, going to her memory board and snatching the pictures from prom and others she had taken during the summer with him.
She went to her vanity and took the pictures from the photobooth at the arcade, tossing it into the box. She grabbed the scarf Alice had leant her when she was freezing at their house one day and insisted she keep it, as well the outfit she had gotten her for her birthday and the prom dress and crumbled them tightly into a ball to fit. She grabbed the math test she had taken in summer school, the first ever B she ever received in the subject. Emmett felt the need to get it framed. That also went in the box.
Making her way back to her bed, she placed the box down and stared down in it. Her heart was racing and she didn't realize she was crying until a tear fell from her eyes and dripped onto the prom photograph with Jasper holding her tightly from behind. Liz inhaled deeply, her cheeks now wet from her silent sobs.
The pain in her chest was excruciating. She honestly did not know what she planned to do with all this stuff. She doesn't have the heart to throw it away but she doesn't have the strength to keep them either. The box was a better solution. They were out of her sight. Everything that reminded Liz of the Cullens, of Jasper, was all put away.
Wiping her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, Liz's fingers trailed down her neck until they landed on something cold and metal. She almost forgot about this... the daffodil necklace Jasper had gotten her for her birthday.
With another choked sob, Liz's shaky hands reached behind her neck to unclasp the clip before looking down at the necklace. Letting out a deep breath, she goes back to her dresser and grabs a little pouch from the drawer and places the necklace inside, tightening the strings before placing it with the rest of the things.
As Liz closed the shoebox, she sank into her bed and folded into one of her pillows, trying her best to pull herself together, but was finding it quite impossible. Jasper was gone. He is gone and she needs to accept that he is not coming back.
She needs to accept this new reality. She has no other choice.
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πππ ππππππππ πππππππ ππ making an impromptu trip to the Swan residence. She found it difficult getting ready, because just looking at her reflection made her cringe, but she did her best to get herself cleaned up and dressed.
She had finally worked up the nerve to text Bella, telling her that she was coming by, but she received no response. She was happy to see Charlie's police cruiser in the driveway as well as Bella's ugly red truck. The visit was spontaneous and she really hopes that she is not intruding. She is honestly not sure why she had come at all, but she figured that if she was going to pull herself out of this depressed funk, then she might as well help Bella as well. Who knows? Maybe the two can help each other?
Charlie answered the door not even thirty seconds after she knocked, his surprise was inevitable but he definitely tried to hide it and even managed a friendly smile on his face. "Liz. This is a nice surprise. What can I do for you?"
He looked so tired. She could see the bags under his eyes. Liz figures it is because Bella has been keeping him up with the nightmares he told Ester and Danny about. The realization of what their depression was doing to their loved ones hit her hard looking at Charlie. She knows her sister and future brother-in-law were trying to help her, but she refused their help. It made her stomach sick thinking about how much they must be worrying about her.
"Hi, Charlie. I was hoping to see Bella?"
His eyes lit up at her words. "Oh, well, I think that would be great. Come in, please. It's freezing."
Liz slipped through the door and stood there silently, waiting for Charlie to close the door and face her again. "Bella's in her room. She doesn't come out unless it's to go to school or the bathroom."
Liz could hear the pain in his voice and wished she could offer him some comforting words, but she didn't have any. So she allowed him to vent because it was clear he needed to get his frustration out. "She hardly eats and she's barely sleeping. She just sits in her room, looking out the window for hours on end. I don't know what to do anymore. Whatever that boy did to her..."
The older man ran a hand over his face, clearly proving just how stressed out he really was. Liz still did not know what to say, so she just said the first thing that came to her mind. "I'm sorry."
Charlie only shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. You don't need to hear this, considering..." He trailed off but Liz knew exactly what he was going to say. Considering you are suffering the same heart ache with the brother. After an awkward moment of silence, the Chief of Police cleared his throat. "Well, you do seem to be doing better."
"I am," Liz tells him, though it was a lie. "I haven't really talked to Bella since- well, since that day. I wanted to see how she was doing."
"Yeah," Charlie nodded, a bit of hope flashing in his eyes. "Maybe talking to you, I don't know, maybe it will help?"
"I hope it does," Liz tells him, before pointing towards the stairs. "Do you mind if I head up?"
"No, of course."
Liz forced a small smile to her lips. "Thanks Charlie."
As she made her way up the stairs and towards Bella's room, Liz can't help but hesitate in the middle of the hallway. The thought of seeing her friend in such a state terrified her. If she was just like Liz was, she knows it will be bad. The thought of Bella bringing up the Cullens made her sick to her stomach. She doesn't think she can talk about them, not out loud.
Everything was so messed up. Not only did her soulmate abandon her, she lost her best friend too. She felt such a connection to the Cullen's, they had become a second family to her. And Emmett... he was one of her biggest supporters. She hasn't had anyone like him since Paul and now she lost another best friend.
Liz knew the pain Bella was going through. Bella lost her own soulmate in Edward as well as Alice who had become a best friend to her. The two human girls were very close, but it wasn't a secret that Bella bonded more with Alice and Liz with Emmett. That didn't change the fact that Liz viewed Bella as someone important in her life. She can't handle losing anyone else right now.
That is why she started walking again. The door was closed so she knocked on it first, but when no sound came, she slowly opened the door and peered in. The lights were off and the only light was coming from the open shade windows. Bella was right where Charlie said she would be- curled up in a chair staring blankly out of the window.
Liz approached the girl slowly, not wanting to startle her. Bella never once looked up, but Liz knew she had to hear her, she wasn't trying to be quiet. Walking around, Liz took a seat at the window sill and looked up at Bella. She was worse than Liz feared.
Now when Liz hadn't left her bed, she at least moved around. She cried, watched horror movies (because romance was not an option) and at least nodded even though she refused to talk in the beginning. She had broken out of that eventually by going back to school, and eventually she was talking again. It seems Bella has been doing nothing of the sort. Liz felt like a zombie, but Bella looked like a corpse. She was so pale, paler than normal and she definitely hadn't eaten anything. It was clear she wasn't getting any sleep and Liz was grateful for one small blessing in her favor.
"Hey Bells," Liz finally forced herself to say. Not even a glance. She just stared out the window. It doesn't even look like she was aware of her surroundings. It was almost like how Liz felt before, she was there but not there at the same time. For some reason, this felt different. "Um... I just came to see how you are doing?"
No response.
"Okay, you don't have to talk. I just wanted to check on you," Liz mutters, scratching her nose nervously. After a couple seconds of silence, Liz leaned down and rested her elbows on her knees. "I know it's hard, but you really should snap out of this. Charlie is worried sick about you and so am I."
Bella barely blinked. It was like she was a statue. Unresponsive. She is surprised Charlie wasn't so freaked out by this that he hasn't hospitalized her. Clearing her throat, she continued. "I know I have no right to tell you what to do. I probably sound like a hypocrite because two weeks ago I was in the same state as you were. But I had to snap out of it. I-I am done pining over someone who made it clear he doesn't want me. I'm over it. I don't care anymore. I'm over him and I am going to move on. I am ready to move on. I have too."
When Bella still didn't respond, Liz placed a hand over her cold one. "You know I am here if you need to talk but I need you to know something... I've decided that enough is enough. I am done sulking. I am done being depressed. I can't do it anymore and neither should you."
After a couple seconds, Liz let out a sigh and nodded her head slowly. "Okay. Well, I'll come check on you again soon, I promise. Like I said, I'm here if you ever need to talk."
With that said, Liz patted Bella's hand before heading towards the door, about to walk out when she heard something that stopped her dead in her tracks and called her heart to clench from one word and one word only, and it came right from Bella's lips.
"Liar."
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πππ πππ πππ ππ ππππ immediately after leaving Bella's. In fact, she just felt like driving. It's something she hasn't done in a very long time, mostly due to her fear, but Liz was getting used to the roads of Forks again. All she did was drive in circles around the town, hoping to clear her mind, especially after her conversation with Bella.
Well, she is not sure if she can call it a conversation. More like she talked and Bella sat there like a vegetable. She barely acknowledged Liz and the blonde had been convinced that she wasn't even hearing anything she was saying. Apparently she was wrong.
Bella had called her a liar. She asked Bella what she meant by that but the brunette just ignored her, like she never said anything at all. A part of Liz was wondering if she even did say that or if she just imagined it. But the other part knew deep down she wasn't just imagining it. Bella said it was conviction and loud enough that she couldn't pass it off as a whisper.
Liz wasn't stupid. She knew exactly what she was calling her out for. Bella was basically saying that she didn't believe Liz was trying to move on. That she didn't believe her when she stated she was over it. Bella had called her bluff, but Liz refused to falter. She made a choice, she was not going to waste anymore time or thought on someone who broke his promise and shattered her. She refused too.
How exactly she plans on accomplishing this, Liz has no idea. She could barely talk to her friend without feeling sick to her stomach or felt like her heart was being repeatedly stomped on by simply going outside. Everything felt like a chore and she doesn't know how to not feel like this anymore.
As Liz pulls into the dirted driveway outside her house, parking her bike next to Ester's car who must have gotten home not too long ago, she turned off her bike and took off her helmet- her spare since her original helmet was still back at the firehouse and will most likely remain there for all eternity because she refuses to go back there ever again.
Ester was sitting at the table when Liz walked through the front door, school work spread out before her as she was writing intensely into her notebook. She didn't lift her head until Liz shut the front door behind her, a large smile on her face at the sight of the youngest Chambers. "Hey, you're back."
"Yeah."
"I was nervous when I came home and you were gone but then I saw your note," Ester says, writing something in her notebook before turning towards the blonde who walked past her and into the kitchen, getting a glass of water. "How is Bella?"
Liz took a sip of her water before speaking. "Uhh, honestly, I'm not sure. She didn't say anything, so not good."
Ester twisted in her chair so she was facing her younger sister with a hopeful expression. "But you seem to be doing better."
Liz stared down at her water, refusing to meet Ester's gaze. "Yeah." It was a hollow response, but it was all she could muster. When she lifted her head, she noticed Ester staring intensely at her and it wasn't a look of pity or worry, but a bit bewildered. "Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Since when do you wear glasses?"
With widened eyes, Liz raised her hand towards her face until her fingers touched the frames and immediately ripped them off, realizing she forgot to take them off when she got off her bike. Liz thought about lying, claiming they were fake or that she found them when riding and stupidly put them on. She highly doubted Ester would believe the latter. Ester may be a bit of a scatterbrain but she was anything but stupid.
So, Liz opted for the truth. "Oh, I- uh, I've had these for about a month actually."
Ester stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. "Why do you have them?"
"So I can see?" Liz tried to joke but Ester was not having it and arched a knowing brow at her. "Jeez, I am trying to recover from a three week depression, cut me some slack and at least laugh at my jokes."
"Lizzie." Ester's tone wasn't harsh or demanding, instead calming and concerned. It probably wouldn't have been so strange if Liz told Ester that she just got them because she suddenly was having a hard time seeing from afar. But she's had them for a month and never once told Ester that she was having trouble with her vision.
Liz blinked up at her older sister. An excuse was on the tip of her tongue. She could just brush it off, say she hardly needs them and they are just for when she drives. She could just pretend it wasn't a big deal, keep up the charade she has been doing since the moment she discovered her eye condition.
But she couldn't. It was like something crashed inside herself and she suddenly felt like she was drowning. The thought of lying to her sister again was suffocating her. Secrets. So many secrets that it was overwhelming. It was like she was being buried alive, trapped inside a wooden coffin, slowly losing oxygen. The weight of it hit her so hard, she swayed on her feet and found it hard to keep up right.
Ester noticed the change in demeanor and took a hesitant step towards her sister. "Lizzie?"
That is when Liz let out a heart wrenching sob, covering her mouth with her arm as she was full on sobbing now. Ester did not hesitate this time as she ran to Liz's side, taking the glass out of her hand before she dropped it and set it aside, holding her upright and leading her towards the kitchen table, sitting her down gently before taking a seat right beside her.
At first, Ester thought this was about Jasper and the break up. She had grown used to the crying and depression. But looking at Liz, something twisted in her gut. She knew this was something completely different. This was something raw. Something that clearly haunted her. Ester has no idea why her noticing her wearing glasses is what triggered this reaction, but she has a strong feeling she is not gonna like what she discovers.
"Lizzie, take a deep breath," Ester consoled her. Liz was hippuping, finding it harder and harder to breathe as her throat felt like it was closing on her and air was being restricted. She was being hit with everything at once. Ester took the girls hands in her own and Liz squeezed the shit out of them, taking deep breaths. "That's it. Control your breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Do it with me."
Liz did exactly as she asked and followed Ester's breathing exercise. Her vision was blurry with tears and her cheeks were soaked but she didn't care. She stared at her older sister and hung onto every word. They did this for several minutes, all until Liz's breathing was finally under and she was no longer hyperventilating. Ester did not pressure her to talk right away, instead told her again to just focus on her breathing. Once she was no longer shaking, Ester got up and grabbed the glass of water she set on the counter and brought it back to the youngest Chambers sister along with a paper towel to wipe her face, not having any tissues handy.
Another panic attack in the space of one month. This was not nearly as bad as the one she had at the Cullens house, but the fact that this snuck on her so suddenly was slightly more terrifying. A part of her expected it last time, this time it hit her hard before she fully realized what was happening.
After she took a big gulp of water, she let Ester wipe away her tears like a child. She felt so pathetic, but she didn't realize how overcome with guilt and emotion she was until she realized she would have to tell Ester the truth. Telling Ester the truth about her vision was the last straw. Because after this, it was real. Jasper, the Cullens, Bella knowing wasn't a big deal.
Liz's relationship with Ester is very complicated. She may hold a little resentment towards her, but she was still her big sister. Ester was still the same woman Liz looked up to. She admired her for her smarts and beauty. When she was younger, she used to think Ester walked on water. But as she got older, she learned that wasn't the case. But she was still someone she loved unconditionally. After Ester learns the truth, it will be real. Once Ester learns the truth, everything is gonna change.
But the lies. The lies. She couldn't handle it anymore. The longer she waited the worse it would be. Liz was already in such a fragile state. Her parents were gone and her Nana was in a different state. She needed Ester and she can not phantom the thought of losing her just because she kept such an important piece of information from her.
Ester was watching Liz carefully, allowing the girl to squeeze her hand and waited patiently for Liz to compose herself. Deciding it was now or never, Liz lifted her head and met her sister's matching blue eyes. "I have to tell you something."
"You can tell me anything, Liz. You know this." Ester's comforting words were helpful.
Liz nodded, biting down on her tongue briefly before turning her nod into a shake. "You are going to be so mad at me."
"No, I'm not." Ester assured her. She squeezed her hands. "Whatever is bothering you, I promise I won't get mad."
Liz looked up and realized just how much she meant it. She took a deep breath and continued. "Before I do, I need you to understand why it has taken me so long to tell you. Despite what you say, you will be angry. Angry and hurt but you need to understand that I didn't keep this from you to be malicious or because I don't trust you. I trust you, Ester. I do. But I thought not talking about it, not telling you, would make it less true. Less real."
Ester blinked a couple times in shock at her words. "Lizzie, you are scaring me."
Liz took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. "During the accident- the Highway 19 accident- I was injured worse than just my knee and a couple scraps. I somehow managed to slam my head multiple times that caused a bleed. When I arrived at the hospital in Seattle, they wheeled me into surgery immediately after scans, at least that is what they told me. The surgeons did everything they could. Apparently I have really bad brain damage and a part of my brain is slowly deteriorating. The occipital lobe, to be exact."
Ester knew immediately what she was referring to. "That's the part of your brain that controls your vision."
Though she said it more to herself than to Liz, the latter nodded anyway as another tear slipped out and rolled down her cheek. "I woke up in the hospital for the first time and I couldn't see anything. Everything was dark. When I woke up again, the doctors told me that I am slowly losing my vision and there is nothing they can do."
Ester was shaking her head now, her eyes turning red and her own tears forming. "I-I don't understand. The doctors... they would have told me. They would have-"
"You aren't my legal guardian. Nana is. She was called immediately since she was my emergency contact since mom and dad..." Liz trailed off, her emotions too high to bring up their loss.
"Nana knows about this?" Ester whispered.
Liz nodded stiffly. "Yes. I made her promise to tell you. Please don't be upset with her."
Liz could see it in her sister's eyes, she felt betrayed in a way. She has every right to feel that way. She was in the dark for so long and that was Liz's fault. "Ester, I am so sorry. Please don't be mad at me. Please. I was scared and I was in denial. I didn't want to face the truth. It has nothing to do with you, I promise. But please don't be mad at me. Please. I don't think I can handle it. Not now."
Ester didn't say anything, just stared at Liz with mixed emotions. Just when Liz thought Ester would pull away, would walk away towards her bedroom without a word, her worries were washed away as Ester pulled Liz towards her and hugged her so tightly, it was hard to breathe. Liz didn't care. She accepted the embrace and the sisters cried into each other's shoulders.
"I understand." Is all Ester tells her while holding her and it took everything in Liz to cry out in relief.
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This chapter was all over the place honestly. I don't hate it but I don't love it either.
Love that Ester knows the truth. I can't wait for the next chapter though. That is when things are gonna start getting real interesting.
Thank you for continuing to read and support! Let me know what you guys thought!
PS! I also recently published a Paul Lahote book called Ageless Beauty. No it is not connected to this story but I have big plans for that so you should check it out, especially if you love Paul and you loved the movie The Age of Adaline!
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