Dear Diary,

This day's the worst.

I was dizzy, and I threw up all the food that I ate so the nurse had no choice but to only give me IV fluids.

In the afternoon, I tried to stand up to see if I could walk outside, but my legs gave out. It's like my knees are made up of jelly. They're useless. My body is giving up on me.

When my Mom came, she asked if I'm ready to be on chemotherapy. Dr. Song explained the whole process to me last time, but I didn't want to do it.

Reasons?

#1. It's pricey. I don't think Mom could afford it. She has a job, yes. But she pays for my medical bills. I don't even know if she's eating well these days, and she looked thinner too. I don't want it.

#2. The probability of surviving cancer because of chemo is still around 40-45%. Not even 50. If I'm not even sure that I'll live, why waste money?

#3. Lastly... It's my body. I know my own limits, and I can feel it. I don't know if I can withstand the chemo. Dr. Song said there will be more operations to remove the tumors from my body, and if I have the chemo too...

I'm scared. It's my life, and I'm afraid to take chances.

I cried a lot. I cry every night, hoping that this is all just a nightmare and then I'll wake up in the morning while I'm back in our house.

But this isn't a dream.

This is reality.

I'm going to die.

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