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TW// This chapter contains sensitive topics, including mentions of suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a mental health professional or a local suicide hotline. Remember, there is help and support available. ‼️‼️

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[Can we go back] - [Nct dojaejung]

It's been a week since the airport incident happened, and Jay has not been feeling good at all.

His depression has taken a toll on him, and his anxiety has gotten worse during practice hours. He zones out, only to have his teacher scold him, further ruining his perception of himself.

He begged the company to give him a break, even went down on his knees, but to no avail.

They'd say, 'People would find out it's true if you suddenly took a break.'

It doesn't matter if it happened. If not, he has always been getting hate for the smallest things. This incident just turned his fans against him. Some even defended him, saying it was not true or the reporter deserved it. But hate is stronger than love; anyway, he became the topic of gossip in every inch and corner of Korea. Hell, even the national news spoke up about it.

The staff of the company found the person that posted the video, forced them to delete it, and say it was an old video posted on purpose to slander Jay. They even paid everyone at that airport to keep their mouths shut.

But it wasn't for free, of course. The whole week had been hectic for Jay. He couldn't even breathe; he felt like drowning. He's sent to interviews, radios, and dates with daughters of rich businessmen.

The weight of judgment, both real and imagined, pressed on his chest, making every breath a struggle.

His anxiety manifested as a constant knot in his stomach, tightening with each passing moment. Sleep eluded him, replaced by restless nights haunted by the  the echoes of harsh criticism. The walls of his mind seemed to close in, trapping him in a suffocating cycle of self-doubt.

In the midst of this storm, even the air felt heavy, laden with the expectations of fans and the scrutiny of the public eye.

Each step he took, each word he spoke, became a tightrope walk over the abyss of public opinion, threatening to plunge him into deeper despair.

As the clock struck 5 pm on a gloomy Friday, Jay wrapped up scrolling through Weverse, where fans were throwing hurtful words his way. Maybe, he thought, he deserved it. He knew he'd given up his freedom the moment he signed that contract.

Feeling a desperate need for peace, Jay made a heavy decision – he planned to end his own life at midnight. His fellow members were out for a late-night pre-recording session, oblivious to his inner struggles.

The company's words echoed in his mind, "You're banned from performing for 2 months. Well, until we see progress, you'll go back."

In this dark moment, Jay grappled with the harsh truth – he wasn't just an artist; he felt like a pawn being played by the very company he trusted. Their decision felt like a cruel reminder of his expendability, deepening the gap between his dreams and the harsh reality of the entertainment world.

Jay placed the revolver on his night table, and beside it rested the business card Jaehyun had given him – "Jung Sora." A name that seemed familiar, connecting dots in his mind. "Isn't that the woman Jungwon's mom goes to?" he mused.

For some inexplicable reason, Jay couldn't shake it off. Perhaps it was because he stowed it away in the same drawer as his revolver, making it impossible to ignore. Each time he reached for the gun, the business card protruded, an unsettling juxtaposition.

Jay pondered various ways to rid himself of the persistent reminder.

He attempted to burn it, toss it in the trash, flush it down the toilet, and, in a final desperate attempt, tried to rip it to shreds. Yet, the card persisted, surviving each effort, a constant thorn in his side.

Frustrated by the unyielding presence of the business card, Jay reached a breaking point. He decided to leave his apartment, seeking solace in the fresh air and a comforting dinner. After all, he mused, he couldn't face the possibility of his death on an empty stomach.

Wearing his mask and cap, Jay concealed his true identity from the world, haunted by the fear of getting mobbed again, worried that his anger might spiral out of control.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Jay, having finished his meal, settled in a park near the Han River.

Observing others, he couldn't escape the realization that everywhere he went, there would be people ready to frustrate him, and they would never change. The lingering question emerged – should it be him who needed to change?

Finding solace in the beauty of the sunset, Jay contemplated it as his last, yearning to savor every moment and truly enjoy it. However, his peace was abruptly shattered by a passerby's recognition, "Is that Enhypen Jay?" Once again, the specter of constant surveillance loomed over him, a suffocating reminder that true freedom remained unreachable.

The burden of being watched and judged for every move weighed heavily on him. Living in fear of becoming a failure in the eyes of these relentless observers, he questioned the paradox of aspiring to be their idol, only to realize they desired a plaything – someone to order around and discard when their true, perhaps darker, selves emerged.

Lost in thought, Jay hadn't noticed the car beeping at him until Jaehyun, one of his close friends despite the age gap, called out, "Hey bro, how is everything?" Surprised to see Jaehyun, Jay looked up, and Jaehyun opened the car door, urging him to get in.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I went out to get some fresh air," Jay replied, nodding towards Jaehyun. "You getting home?"

"Ah, no. I gotta meet up with my cousin." Jay's ears perked up at the mention of the word "cousin" as Jaehyun had recommended him to meet up with her.

"The doctor?" Jay inquired.

Jaehyun shook his head. "Nope, her brother." The air grew tense at the mention of the psychologist.

Jay sat there, waiting for Jaehyun to bring up the topic about the psychologist, but a minute had gone by, and he didn't say anything about Jay or anything else at all.

Breaking the silence with a clear of his throat, Jay confessed, "I haven't gone to the psychologist you recommended last time."

"Sora?" Jaehyun questioned, to which Jay nodded as he leaned back on the seat.

"I actually met her earlier," Jaehyun said, prompting Jay to turn towards him.

After a momentary silence, Jay spoke again, "Aren't you going to convince me to set an appointment with her?"

"No," Jaehyun replied. "Sora told me earlier not to push you too much. She said that you'll come see her if you want to. So I'm not going to force you to set an appointment with her anymore."

Although he said it so simply, Jay was surprised to hear that. Averting his gaze, Jay sighed inaudibly, realizing it was already 9 pm. He opened the car door before Jaehyun could say anything.

"I'll get going now."

"Jay," Jaehyun called, making Jay stop for a second. "You're not going to..." he trailed off, inclining his head and looking at the ground. "Never mind. Get home safe."

"I'm not going to pull the trigger tonight, if that's what you wanted to say." Jay managed a small smile before leaving, and Jaehyun waved at him.

Once the car left, Jay started walking back home. Despite his words, the revolver looked tempting, as if it was drawing him in to at least try tonight.

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one thing about my books is that they will have really low engagement
anyways if you want to be moots comment and ill follow u back
and smth is wrong with wp???why cant i put videos???