WARNING: A LITTLE MENTION OF SELF-HARM IN THIS CHAP. TOO

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I can bear it in some way
I can stand it in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
Day by day it fades away

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YEOSANG

How Yeosang has ended up getting this intoxicated is a question he can't even answer himself. Normally he isn't that much of a drinker, but perhaps it just happened in attempt to calm down his nerves. He isn't much of a party person in general either, and being surrounded by so many people, so many strangers sure had made him feel a little uncomfortable.

And despite the fact that everyone has been nice to him, he can't help but miss his friends back home. But worst of all, he misses him more than anything right now. New Year's Eve was always something so special, it was that one night he always knew that they would be together no matter how busy their schedules was.

Back then, dressing up in fancy clothes felt like going on an adventure, the fireworks seemed more vibrant and nothing felt better than kissing each other at midnight, promising the new year would be even better than the previous one – because they were together.

But they made a lot of promises, and all of them ended up being broken. Still, Yeosang can't help but wonder what he is doing tonight, if he is thinking about Yeosang as well. If he ever misses Yeosang too.

Yeosang has done his best to small talk with people tonight, to have fun and get to know some new people. But as the intoxication slowly took over, and his brain couldn't shut out the stupid thoughts anymore, he suddenly felt out of control of his own body.

Now, he seemingly has forgotten everything his mother has taught him; always smile, be polite and keep your posture straight. Instead he is just slouching on a chair, with his arms hanging down the sides and a blank look on his face while numbness is starting to take over him. His eyes are staring emptily at nothing in particular as everything around him is just a big blur.

Yeosang doesn't react the first time a hand shakes his shoulder, nor does he move at all.

"Are you... Okay?" San suddenly squats down in front of him, looking up from under his dark hair. His question is clearly very forced, which makes Yeosang wonder why he's even asking it in the first place.

"I'm, fine..." Yeosang mumbles, his lips barely moving when he speaks.

Even in this state he knows that San doesn't give two shits about him, so why doesn't he just stay away and leave Yeosang alone?

"Aren't you too old to get teenage-wasted like this?" As San gets up from the floor, he grabs Yeosang by the arms and pulls him up as well. "Come, you need to get some of that shit out of your body."

Yeosang doesn't complain when he is being dragged towards the bathroom, he is simply too exhausted to do so. On the way he hears San let out a couple of complains about Yeosang being way heavier than expected, but Yeosang finds himself completely unable to respond at all.

"I'm... Fine... Just go away," Yeosang finally manages to says as his body drops down on the cold bathroom floor. He rubs his hands around in his face, but still can't feel anything at all.

"You need to puke, you'll feel better."

"You need to fuck off, then I'll feel better," Yeosang rolls his eyes, not even aware of how rude he sounds.

Waving his arms uncontrollably around in front of him, he is just about to make another complaint about San's presence when he feels a deep, pressuring feeling rush through him. Like someone is kicking him in the stomach while squeezing his head so hard it hurts in his ears.

Just a second later he throws himself in over the toilet and aggressively throws up into it. His stomach, head and throat hurt like hell, while his heart is beating so fast he can feel every beat in every single part of his body. He barely senses San who is standing by the door. Yeosang tries to support himself with his hands against the toilet seat but his entire body is shaking and he is gasping for air. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, from the immense stress his body is feeling. He falls back on to the floor, dragging himself to sit leaned against the wall. He pulls his legs up in front of him and covers his face with his trembling hands.

San is moving around behind him, making a few noises that sounds like a cabinet opening and closing before he turns on the water tap.

"Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better," San mumbles while pushing a glass of water against Yeosang's hand.

"Y-you said that about puking too... And I... I definitely don't feel any better..." a silent whimper comes from Yeosang, but he still takes the water he is offered.

While drinking it he avoids eye contact with San who is leaning against the wall. Yeosang's hands are still shaking and his hair is sticking to his sweating forehead. He must look an absolute mess. But he has other things to worry about, like how his body is freaking out and how every breath he takes hurts like a sting deep inside of him.

"Told you, you couldn't handle that shit Jay gave you," San suddenly points out. That guy sure is good with the timing.

"Told you to mind your own business!"

Yeosang glares at San while emptying the glass of water. Could this guy get any more annoying? With a long sigh, Yeosang moves his eyes from San again, not willing to admit to himself how amazing that asshole looks tonight.

"Also," Yeosang mumbles, "I didn't do it. When you left I told Jay I didn't want it after all... I just hate it when people judge me or they think they can make decisions for me."

Their eyes meet again, and by now it's too late for Yeosang to deny how gorgeous San is looking dressed in a white shirt which is unbuttoned to down under his chest, revealing his perfect skin, and a black blazer on top. The shirt neatly tucked into black pants, and the outfit might be rather simple but on someone like San it's the most amazing thing ever.

San pushes his dark hair back and squats down in front of Yeosang, who can feel his heart skip a beat when it happens. San still hasn't said anything to what Yeosang had told him a minute ago, but his face did change a little when the words were hanging in the room. Almost like he was relieved.

"Ah, for fuck's sake... You've puked on your shirt," San suddenly sighs.

Yeosang looks down at himself, his vision still a little blurry, but he quickly notices the wet, brown spots on his otherwise white shirt. With way too big arm movements he tries to pull off his shirt, but the buttons are challenging him and after several failed attempts he feels San's hands against his chest.

A few drunk, complaining whines comes from Yeosang as San starts unbuttoning his shirt and eventually starts dragging the shirt down his shoulders. His body might feel numb, but he still feels the streams of electrifying shivers that run through him when San's fingers stroke against his skin.

But suddenly San stops moving, his hands still on each side of Yeosang, holding the shirt. Yeosang slowly looks up in confusion, but when he realizes what San is looking at he tries to pull away.

Yeosang can feel his heart in his throat, and he feels like crying, screaming and running away all at the same time. But he is unable to do any of those things, and just stays like frozen in his spot while San's eyes are staring at him in shock.

Yeosang lives his everyday life like they aren't there, it's been years since they came to be and he doesn't give them much thought anymore. But that doesn't mean that they'll go away; the numerous scars that he himself has caused to decorate his upper arms. Yeosang fights to get his shirt back on, but San is stronger than him – or less drunk at least, and he doesn't let go.

"Don't... Don't wear this... It's gross..." San mumbles without taking his eyes away from the scars.

In the end Yeosang just gives up and lets San drag the shirt off of him. Being completely naked on his upper body, Yeosang tries to cover himself with his arms in embarrassment and luckily he doesn't have to do so for long. San unbuttons his own shirt and slings it around Yeosang's shoulders, even helping the drunken younger getting his arms into the sleeves before buttoning it.

"You need to get home and sleep it out," San then says as he puts his blazer back on, now with nothing underneath.

Yeosang mumbles something he isn't quite what means himself, before feeling how San is pulling his arms to get him to stand up.

✧

"Maybe you should make a New Year's resolution to not drink more than you can handle," San points out as they are walking down the streets in search for a cab. To add to his words, he takes a big sip of a champagne bottle he brought from the hotel suite before leaving, without offering Yeosang any. Not that he wants drink alcohol again, ever.

San even lets Yeosang support himself against him while they walk, and Yeosang can feel how his cheeks are warming up as their bodies touch each other. San has made about twenty complains already, about the struggle of getting a free cab on New Year's eve, to which Yeosang hasn't responded at all.

"Wh-why are you helping me?" Yeosang mumbles, eyes half-closed and his body feeling heavier than ever before.

"Well, it's not like you have any friends here," San simply mutters back, looking away from Yeosang.

"Wow. Maybe you should make a New Year's resolution to not be such an asshole to people..." Yeosang snorts offended, while uncontrollably dangling his head around only causing him to feel even more nauseous.

San mumbles something that Yeosang can't really hear, before he suddenly feels his body being pulled to the side of the road. Before he even can register what is happening, he is sitting inside a cab while San is shaking his shoulder, trying to get in contact with him. Yeosang has no clue what is going on, and he only remembers mumbling something that hopefully will turn out to be his address, before falling asleep on the backseat of the cab.

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♫ BIG BANG - Haru haru