______________________________

There's things I wanna say to you
But I'll just let you live
Like if you hold me without hurting me
You'll be the first who ever did

______________________________

YEOSANG

While everything around slowly fades away, the people, the music, everything - Yeosang feels how his palms start to sweat from anxiousness, as only silence is coming from San.

"So?" he finally dares to ask.

"Yeosang..." San's eyes have fallen to look at the floor, and the touch of his hands behind Yeosang's neck suddenly feels so distant. "You're already quite tipsy... Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

With the response being far from what Yeosang had wanted, he feels his heart drop in his chest, but he fights to keep the smile on his face. Persistently, although it hurts. The look in the older's eyes is hard to read, as he still stares blankly at their feet.

"Of course... No problem." But the small nod, which Yeosang adds at the end of his words, feels like the greatest lie.

When San looks up, his face lights up in a bright smile and he playfully ruffles Yeosang's hair around. The need for an answer is kept quiet, as Yeosang swallows all the words he wants to speak so badly - but he knows now that this isn't the time.

"Hey guys, having fun?" Felix suddenly shouts next to them.

His freckled cheeks are flushed from the alcohol, and he is carrying a huge inflatable flamingo in his arms.

"Yes, it's a great party," San smiles, although briefly frowning at the plastic animal that's having it's neck squeezed in the arms of the blonde.

"Thank you! I must say, I did quite well this year. Don't know how to top this!" Felix laughs. His eyes suddenly catch something behind Yeosang, and his brows furrows as Hyunjin comes closer.  "Oh God, now what? If you're back to complain about your outfit again, just go away."

"Nope, nothing to complain about," Hyunjin grins - his naked upper body covered in lipstick marks. "Don't wait up for me tonight, guys!"

As Yeosang watches the three others laughing and having a good time, he starts to regret asking San to move away with him. San would end up knowing no one besides Yeosang - leaving his family would most likely be no problem, but leaving his friends... And his work too. San has sounded so excited and passionate for his job at the bookstore, and his boss, Yunho, sounds like such a nice guy.

Yeosang excuses himself to the bar, leaning against the counter while waiting to order. Maybe he can just say he didn't mean it, he was drunk when asking and it just came out without him thinking about it...

"So you and Choi, huh?" Seonghwa says, suddenly standing next to Yeosang. "Really didn't think that would happen..."

"Me neither..." Yeosang mumbles, tapping his fingers against the counter. The very same counter he had his first shift behind, with both San and Seonghwa. "And to believe it all started here..."

Seonghwa chuckles, taking a sip of his own drink. The older was always so nice to Yeosang, making it hard to understand why him and San hated each other so much. Maybe it was just their similar, sometimes arrogant and obnoxious personality that clashed.

"Are you planning on moving back to Korea then?"

"Oh I-... I don't know..." Yeosang says, shrugging his shoulders - forcing a smile to cover up for the fact that he might have fucked up already.

"Or maybe he can just move to London?" Seonghwa suggests, and Yeosang appreciates the very same idea as he's had himself, but the question is burning in his ears.

"I doubt it," he replies, the smile fading away as he just can't keep it up any longer.

Seonghwa places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze to make Yeosang look at him.

"Come on, Yeo, after everything that has happened? I think San will do pretty much anything for you. Meeting you has definitely changed him - I mean, I want to punch him like 30% less than before, so..."

"You always know what to say, Seonghwa. Thanks." 

"You're welcome."

Through the crowd and colorful lighting in the club, Yeosang's eyes still see San clearer than anything else, and he just hopes he hasn't made a huge mistake tonight.

✦

The rain is drumming against the window, but it's not what's keeping Yeosang awake. San has fallen asleep long ago, while Yeosang has been twisting and turning in the bed. As he starts to sober up again, the questions come together like a storm in his head.

Was it too much to ask for? Of course it was, it had to be. Why did he always have to be like this, unable to control his heart in his desperate need for love.

Biting into his lower lip, chewing it while regretting ever saying a word out loud, he turns to look at San's sleeping face. Carefully, he brushes the dark hair away from San's closed eyes, smiling to himself as he watches that beautiful face so peacefully gone off in dreamland.

He should've waited with that question, just a couple of months maybe. But looking at San now, Yeosang knows he couldn't have held it back much longer anyway. He wants to fall asleep and wake up next to San every day for the rest of his life. He wants to be able to hold his hand, kiss his lips and feel his body against his own.

Yeosang quietly sneaks out of bed, and into the living room where he sits down next to the window. The rain has calmed down, and only small raindrops are falling from the dark night's sky. Yeosang lets his eyes follow as they run down the window, and how they disappear when they reach the bottom of it.

San might have changed a lot, but is it enough for him to make such a serious commitment to another person? No matter how hard he tries to stop himself from thinking this thought, Yeosang just can't shake it off.

He remains seated in the chair, until his body aches from the bad position he's sat himself in - and until his eyes start to hurt from staying up so late. He finally gives in and makes his way back into bed, a small kiss on San's nose before cuddling up next to him. San hums in his sleep, wrapping his arm around Yeosang, and Yeosang falls asleep to the the sound of the older's heartbeat.

✦

When morning comes, the rain has stopped and the sun is shining through the window - blinding Yeosang the second he opens his eyes. The spot in the bed next to him is empty, but just as he's about to freak out, he hears noises from the other side of the door - and his nose catches a lovely smell, which instantly makes his stomach rumble.

"W-what is this?" Yeosang mumbles, rubbing his tired eyes, as he walks through the door to the living room.

"I made you breakfast, silly," San laughs, pouring orange juice into the two glasses on the table. "Come, it's all ready for you!"

San even pulls a chair out, nodding at it to make Yeosang sit down, and kissing his hair as he does - his gentleman behavior making Yeosang's heart skip a beat.

"It's my first time making pancakes by myself, so don't judge me too hard, okay?" he smiles, flipping a pancake onto Yeosang's plate. "I did my very best, for you, my love."

The sweet talk, and the heartwarming gesture that San has done for him, makes Yeosang smile brightly as well. For a short minute, he dares to believe that maybe things are still okay between them. But when the look in San's eyes suddenly change, and his voice as well - the seriousness that lays itself over them is scaring Yeosang to death.

"Listen, Yeosang, I-"

"Oh! Breakfast! I'm so hungry, I could eat a fucking horse!" Felix shouts excitedly from the door to Hyunjin's room.

"W-what are you doing here?" Yeosang asks surprised, turning to look at both Hyunjin and Felix joining them at the table.

"Just crashed here, it's closer to the club anyway so..." Felix replies, bopping his head around - his hair gathered in a small ponytail on the very top of his head.

"Every time there's food here, Felix just appears - it's like magic," San chuckles, before turning to look at Hyunjin. "What about you though? Thought you were busy with all them ladies?"

Hyunjin shakes his head, busy spreading a way too thick layer of butter onto a piece of bread, and adding slices of bacon on top.

"Someone had to get this drunktard home. You guys left early, but you should've seen him, couldn't even stand up!" he then sighs, clearly disappointed that he didn't get lucky last night.

"I think I threw up like seven times," Felix says, stealing a piece of bacon from Hyunjin's bread and earning a slap across his fingers for doing so.

Yeosang has leaned back in his chair, quietly drinking his orange juice while the others are talking about the party last night. Now and then, San looks at him - and although the older smiles each time, Yeosang can't help but feel nervous.

✦

A couple of hours later, when Hyunjin and Felix have left the apartment to go eat burgers, Yeosang is in the kitchen doing the dishes. He scrubs each plate almost too aggressively, trying to get his frustrations out that way, when San puts his arms around him from behind.

"I love you," he whispers in Yeosang's ear. "And I'd love to move to London with you."

"What?"

Yeosang drops everything he has in his hands, the water and foam from the soap splashing onto his shirt - but he doesn't care. He promptly turns around and San looks at him with the most beautiful smile he's ever seen.

"If you still want me to?" San teases. "Or were you just too drunk when asking me last night?"

"No I... I really meant it... But San, I-I don't want to make you leave everyone you know behind."

"If you think we can get rid of Hyunjin and Felix that easily, just because we move to the other side of the earth, I'm sorry baby, but you're wrong!" San laughs, nuzzling his nose against Yeosang's in the cutest way, "And I don't care where I live, as long as it's with you."

And right in this moment, Yeosang swears he'll never be any happier than he is right now. With his arms wrapped around San's neck, he pulls him in to kiss his lips - smiling against them, as happiness is exploding inside of him.

"You'd actually do this for me?" he whispers, kissing San's lips softly - over and over again.

"Sangie, I'd do anything in the world for you. I promise you that."

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♫ Lana Del Rey - Cinnamon Girl