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Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

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SAN

The tall, white building is towering in front of him, while the painful memories wash down over him. Once again he is reminded of the belief he has carried for many years; life is just a game where everyone loses in the end - and he has been a fool to ever waste his time, trying to make the best of it.

San has never been a man to believe in things that can't be seen with the mortal eye, but right now he thanks the heavens and all the Gods that it isn't the hospital his brother works at. Not that he'd ever believe that anyone would hold their hand over him anyway, and if there should happen to be anything like heaven and hell - he is well aware of where he would be going.

As he walks through the automatic sliding doors of the entrance, San reckons that a hospital is much like that in many ways; so much happiness, so much love - but also so much hurt and so much pain. So much life, and so much death. A place San wishes he'd never have to return to again.

With the memories of the last three times merging together, into a big darkness in his mind, San hesitantly makes his way towards the elevators. The first time he spent hours there, waiting with his family, only to hear the heartbreaking news that his sister didn't make it - the night that changed his life, the night that changed him.

The second happened one year later, when he was seventeen; his arm cut up and with his will to live running out of his body like the blood running from his open wounds. The last time happened two yeas ago, after a night he barely remembers. All he knows, is that it was the anniversary of his sister's death and that he had felt worse than ever. The drugs in his hands had soon been consumed, and the count of just how many times he had bent down to snort another line had become blurry.

But the worst part from the last time, one of the only parts he actually remembers - waking up in the hospital, seeing Hyunjin asleep in a chair next to the bed. And he never even thanked Hyunjin for being there, nor helping him get home when he got discharged - and now he regrets it so badly. But San had been too focused on himself back then, and the fact that he had ended up in the same hospital as Sanggyu worked at... His brother's smug face that night is still burning clearly in his mind.

The loud ding, as the elevator reaches the requested floor, runs through San as a cold shiver. With a deep breath he steps out into the hallway, his feet almost dragging across the floor as every step is a struggle.

Knowing that both Hyunjin and Felix will be there, San starts questioning why he even came here. But of course he knows the reason why. Even feeling as messed up as he did, when receiving the phone call from Felix, and even though it did take him hours to collect himself and get out of his apartment - San knew he had to go.

Because of Yeosang.

The fear that had struck through him, when the words Felix had forced out with a shaking voice, had left him out of breath. He had suddenly felt more sober than ever - but in the worst way possible. Crumbled together on the floor, it was impossible for him to deny his feelings any longer.

Those goddamn feelings. The ones he had tried to hide for so long, the ones he had tried to drown with drugs, alcohol, one-night stands and even hurtful words thrown across the room. Every single feeling came back to him, stronger than ever before, drowning him like he had tried to do to them.

San has lost someone he loved before, and with the loss still haunting him to this day, he can't lie to himself any longer. All this time he had thought his love for Yeosang had ended up hurting both of them, but he finally realizes that it was his own doing all along - and he needs to make things right again. And he prays he will get one last chance.

When turning a corner, his heartbeat increases when he sees Felix and Hyunjin sitting in the hallway, leaning against the backrest of the typical, uncomfortable hospital chairs.

"San!" Felix exclaims, jumping up from his seat the second he sees San walking towards them. Hyunjin on the other hand sticks to only sending a quick look San's way, before looking down at his own feet again.

The look wasn't as cold as San feared, but the following reaction is still far from Hyunjin's usual behavior.

"You... Actually came..." Felix practically whispers, tears in his eyes as he stands in front of San. "Thank you."

From the look on his face, it appears that Felix wants to give San a hug, but he controls himself and makes a few strange movements with his shoulders instead. The blonde hair is all over the place, but a small spark of relief lights up in his eyes as he looks at San.

They walk side by side back to the seating area, Felix sitting down between San and Hyunjin, but even then the atmosphere is freezing cold. San rubs his hands against his thighs, nervously clearing his throat.

"So... How... Is he?" San's voice is nothing but a weak whisper, and asking that question just makes the situation all too real.

"We don't know much yet..." Felix mumbles, "A couple of fractured bones and... And that he hasn't woken up for almost six hours now..."

San nods slowly, feeling his heart breaking by the news and that feeling only grows as time passes by. Soon the first hour and a half has passed, and the friends are still sitting in the hallway. Felix and Hyunjin have exchanged a few words, but no longer conversations have flown between them. San just awkwardly sits in his chair, shuffling his feet around while staring at the wall on the opposite side.

He excuses himself to the bathroom, mostly in hopes to clear his mind just a bit and to get some time away from the pressure of sitting so close to Hyunjin, who obviously still despises him.

The lighting in the bathroom is almost too bright, lighting up all his flaws. San stares at himself in the mirror - but the reflection that is staring back at him is like a stranger. The hollow cheeks, the red eyes and the pale skin - when reality is right in front of him, San is on the verge of breaking down. The shadows in his mind are screaming at him, telling him to run away, to get fucked up and forget this ever happened. To hurt himself before anyone else does it.

"No!" San grits his teeth, his hand clenching around the edge of the sink. "No... Not this time..."

✧

San has lost track of how long he's been sitting in that horrible chair, but the pain of the unknown is dominant by now. But at the same time he feels so restless it's almost making him go insane. Hyunjin still hasn't said a single word to him, and every part of San is itching to break the ice between them.

"Hyunjin... Can I have a word with you, please?" he forces himself to ask. He then gets up, gesturing for Hyunjin to follow him.

The look at meets San is far from kind, but Hyunjin sighs and slowly rises from his chair when Felix nudges his arm.

"Fine," he then says, reluctantly following San outside.

Hyunjin leans against the wall, hands stuffed in his pockets and his head tilted to the side while he waits for San to speak. His eyes are red as well, from crying and the exhaustion, and seeing him like this truly hurts.

San knows he hasn't been much of a good friend lately, he knows he has fucked up in way too many ways, and that Hyunjin might never forgive him. Not this time.

But he has to try.

"I-I'm sorry..." San mumbles, "I know I've been a real asshole."

"Oh, really?" the sarcasm is thick, when Hyunjin glares at San with a snort, "What made you come to that conclusion?"

"You did. You have been the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and I... I took you for granted..." A bitter sigh of regret leaves with San's words, and he anxiously watches as Hyunjin shuffles his feet around, avoiding eye contact.

While Hyunjin remains silent for a short while, San notices how the expression on the other's face starts to change. Soft isn't necessarily the correct way to describe it, but it is definitely not as cold as before - and his eyes turn watery, while he stares at the ground.

"Are you done now?" Hyunjin then says, his voice raspy and tears ready to break free.

San nods, reckoning that his words did in fact make an impact on Hyunjin, but he might not feel ready to say so yet. The wind catches Hyunjin's hair, and he quickly dries his eyes with the back of his hand - trying to play it off as him just brushing his hair away from his face.

"Hyunjin..." San takes a step forward, reaching out for Hyunjin, fearing that he'll move away. But, he doesn't. San's hand lies on Hyunjin's shoulder, and their eyes finally meet each other's. "You're my best friend. Thank you."

Hyunjin lets the tears fall freely, as he throws his arms around San, hugging him tighter than ever. Gentle sobs are laid on San's shoulder, while Hyunjin is trembling in his arms. The reaction makes San tear up as well, and the two of them meet each other in reconciliation.

Tears turn into small smiles of relief, when they let go of each other, San sitting down on the bench that is standing next to them, lighting up a well needed cigarette. With Hyunjin sitting down next to him, San knows the cold war between them has ended.

"I'm in love with Yeosang," San suddenly hears himself say. But he doesn't regret it at all. "And I've been in love with him for a long time..."

Hyunjin turns to look at him, but San just keep staring at the late evening sky, letting the smoke flow from his lips.

"Are you being serious right now, San? You know... You have to be 100% sure, if you choose to tell him."

San nods, briefly turning to look at Hyunjin as well, but the look they share hurts too much to keep up. The look that indicates that they both know San might never even get the chance to tell it to the one person, who truly needs to hear it.

"I'm sure."

When San has finished smoking, Hyunjin is heading back inside while San tells him he'll go for a short walk. With his friend promising to call him if anything important happens, San starts walking down the street.

He is sure, more than sure, and when Yeosang wakes up he will tell him exactly how he feels. And he will promise he will become a better man, someone who will be deserving of being with Yeosang. San looks at the dark sky while walking, thinking everything through - over and over. Everything, from when he first met Yeosang, to when he knew he loved him - to when he ruined everything between them.

The fear of Yeosang rejecting him is dancing through his mind, and San knows he will do anything in the world to make Yeosang forgive him - in hopes that the younger will accept his love.

Life might be just a game, but what is a game without some gambling. San smiles to himself; for Yeosang he will take the risk, the chance of getting hurt - because what if he doesn't? What if... He actually ends up winning...

✧

San sprints down the hallway, hand clenched around his phone, which Hyunjin had called ten minutes ago. With his heart in his throat, he finally reaches the right corridor.

"San! Where were you?" Hyunjin shouts, running towards him. "Yeosang, he... He is awake..."

His palms start to sweat, when he quietly follows Hyunjin into the hospital room. The lights are dimmed, but San has never seen Yeosang any clearer. Felix is sitting by the bedside, his expression almost in shock while his eyes are locked onto their friend lying in the bed.

San walks with slow steps towards the bed, Hyunjin's hand lying as a friendly comfort on his shoulder.

Yeosang looks at him, his brown eyes missing the spark they used to keep, and his pale skin all bruised up. He blinks a few times, slowly, looking at San for what feels like the longest time.

Finally, he parts his dry lips, his voice weak and thin - but his words are like lightnings striking straight into San's heart;

"W-who... Are you?"

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♫ Coldplay - Fix you

(A/N: "In the game of life" was the original title for this story, and I just wanted to throw it in there somewhere haha)