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I'm caught on the fence
I'm either happy or I wish I was dead
My life is a mess
I fucking love it even though I'm depressed

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SAN

Choi San is best described like the wind; something you can feel, but never truly reach.

Sometimes calm and pleasant like a refreshing breeze on a hot summer's day, other times wild and vicious like a hurricane - destroying everything it comes near.

Lately he has found himself to be more like the latter, both to others and himself, being too fed up with life to give a damn about who he hurts, or how much damage he causes along the way.

The reflection in the mirror is telling the world the same lie it tells himself; that his life is perfect, he is perfect. His face is gorgeous, ethereal, he can do anything and he can get anyone he wants.

But inside he is a mess. His mind is filled to the brim with the thoughts that keep piling up, suffocating him, entrapping him in what feels like his own hell of misery, in which the last remaining part of his soul will burn for all eternity.

Inside, he isn't just falling apart; he is already beyond broken.

And so he tries to distract himself with anything that will make him feel alive, free, even for just a brief moment.

Alcohol, drugs, self-harm, tons of one-night stands, he's done it all.

But he still feels lost within himself.

Just numb.

She would be so disappointed in him, if she knew what he had become, how he has wasted his life.

But she doesn't, and she never will.

With that in mind he continues to live his life this way; without a care, without love.

Because life is just a game where everyone loses in the end, so why should he even bother?

✧

"You are late, again."

The familiar tone of disappointment greets San the second he steps through the staff-room door. His boss' frowning face and crossed arms are waiting for him like any other day.

"Wow. Tell me something I don't know, Hongjoong."

San doesn't let the death stare from Hongjoong bother him as he walks in, carelessly throwing his coat over the backrest of a chair next to him before taking a good, long look at himself in the big mirror on the wall. A tense silence spreads across the room while San takes his time tucking his dark purple silk shirt into his black pants. 

Finally, Hongjoong impatiently clears his throat, breaking the silence.

"Cut the crap, Choi. If you didn't bring in so much dough for this place, you know I'd kick you out right away."

"Relax, Joongie!" San scoffs, well aware of how Hongjoong hates it when he calls him nicknames.

His boss might not be the biggest person, but what he lacks in height he makes up for in personality. The authority that follows him like a shadow, scares even San. But it's not like he'll ever admit that.

San's snappy tone doesn't sit well with Hongjoong who roughly yanks San around so they face each other. Although San rolls his eyes when it happens, he eventually chooses not to talk back to his boss. This time.

"Don't push it," Hongjoong practically growls with a firm grip around San's arm. "Now, get your ass in gear and get to work. The others are drowning in orders down there!" he adds, pointing a fingers in the direction of the stairs that leads down to the nightclub underneath them.

San flips his dark hair back and sends Hongjoong a fake smile without saying anything. In his mind, however, he'd much rather flip Hongjoong off though. When he is finally released from Hongjoong's grip, San unwillingly walks towards the stairs.

"And remember to update Instagram. It should've been done more than an hour ago," Hongjoong calls out after him. "Get a photo with Seonghwa tonight. It's been two weeks since the last one. You know how the ladies love the two of you."

✧

Club Cobra; the most in and happening night club in all of Seoul. The place where all the beautiful, rich and famous people come to party, show off and hook up. And spend a lot of money, of course.

This has been San's work place for the past five years. Back when he was hired, he had no experience as a bartender, but Hongjoong had seen some potential in him, back then at least. Or maybe it was more like he had a pretty face and every girl would throw themselves at him. No matter what occupation, age or snobby façade they come in with, San can make anyone act like a shy school girl.

To begin with it was fun to be able to take home any girl he wanted to, but he's grown tired of it. None of these girls has meant anything to him, no, they're only a somewhat decent distraction from all the thoughts in his head.

For one night at least.

"San." The perfectly sculptured face of his taller co-worker shows no emotions, besides the dissatisfaction in the quick glare he sends, as San finally joins him behind the main bar of the club.

"Seonghwa," San carelessly responds. He doesn't even have to look at Seonghwa to know that he is pissed off.

Seonghwa just rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything else. The two of them have never gotten along and they used to fight a lot, with words but also their fists. Just the way Seonghwa breathes gets on San's nerves. His whole persona is just so endlessly annoying, not to speak of his cocky attitude which is like an open invitation to punch him in his stupid face.

But San has slowly come to terms with the fact that Seonghwa has been put in this world solely to annoy the shit out of him, making it just a tiny bit easier to be around the arrogant idiot.

San sighs heavily as he remembers Hongjoong's reminder. After finishing his current drink order he pulls his phone up from his pocket and with unwilling steps he makes his way towards Seonghwa.

"Park..." San waves the phone in front of Seonghwa who knows what he means right away. Luckily.

Hongjoong insists on having the club's Instagram page updated every night, and for some mysterious reason he trusted San with the responsibility of managing that. He probably regrets his decision by now.

For the longest five seconds the two visual Gods have to stand and pretend they actually like each other, posing for the photo. As soon as it's over, San takes a step to the side to write a quick caption. Seonghwa takes a short glimpse at the screen and per usual he comments on how the filter San has chosen sucks.

"Who the fuck uses the Hefe filter? Everyone knows Juno is superior. You should try it, maybe it will make even you look good," Seonghwa scoffs, but San doesn't give two shits about his opinion and just taps 'upload' to piss him off.

✧

"We are running out of ice." Seonghwa is suddenly standing uncomfortably close to San, causing him to flinch.

The heavy scent of cologne is hanging around the taller guy like a suffocating cloud, instantly making San feel nauseous.

"Fuck off, Seonghwa. Ever heard of a thing called personal space?" San complains while trying to focus on anything else than Seonghwa's obnoxious presence.

"Did you hear what I just said?" Seonghwa ignores the complaint, as usual.

"Yes? Get a runner to do it then," San snaps back at him.

With a seductive smile he hands two cocktails to the girl on the opposite side of the bar. She giggles and slides a small piece of paper with her number on it towards him before leaving the bar. As soon as she is out of sight, San takes the paper and discretely drops it into the trashcan next to him. She was a 6 at best anyway, perhaps a 7 in a 5:30 in the morning after ten Tequila shots kind of way.

"I'm telling you to do it. Besides, I don't know where any of those idiots are. Hongjoong seriously has no clue how to hire people who actually know how to work," Seonghwa snorts, raising one of his perfectly groomed brows.

The clear hint that he means San, only for the one millionth time that month, makes San's hands clench automatically and he has to fight every urge in his body that just wants to punch Seonghwa in the face. A deep breath later San does his best to carry on with work and ignore the glare coming from the taller. But when he reaches out to grab the nearest cloth, Seonghwa leans in sideways against the counter, blocking the way.

"For fuck's sake! Get out of my way!" The voice that leaves San's mouth might be a tad louder than intended, but the way Seonghwa just stares at him makes him not regret it one bit.

"Did. You. Hear. What. I. Just. Said?" Seonghwa repeats himself.

"Yes? Just go get it yourself!" San stares back at him with a look that would have scared most people. But it doesn't affect Seonghwa at all.

"I'm too handsome to do such tasks," Seonghwa snorts briefly before lowering his brows, sending San a look that shows he has no intention of leaving before he gets his way.

With an agitated sigh, San rolls his eyes and grabs the bucket for the ice. On his way to the backroom he lets various cusswords slip out between his pursed lips. Seonghwa is lucky that San is too tired to fight him today. But maybe tomorrow then.

✧

Work is over for the night; the doors are locked but the staff is staying behind to party, dancing on the tables and everything. San on the other hand is slumping in one of the couches next to the dance floor, with a beer in one hand and an already burnt out cigarette in the corner of his mouth.

His tired eyes are staring blankly across the room, not actually sensing the others around him but only seeing blurry figures moving around, while the music is just like a loud, white noise in his head. He has had problems with sleep for as long as he can remember, and nights like these his body really feels the consequences of that.

"Holy shit, what a night!" a voice suddenly shouts next to San's ear.

Lee Felix, one of the only people that San has let come close to him and become his friend. Felix is a small guy, with a cute baby-like face but the charm of ten Casanovas and a voice deeper than the ocean. The dirty-blonde hair, which was perfectly styled when work began, has become messy over the night but it still looks good on him.

"The ladies were crazy tonight! Everyone wanted a piece of this hot ass!" Felix laughs as he pulls of his colorful, shiny blazer and throws it next to him.

San lets out a short, rather distant laugh and takes a sip of his beer, while Felix just rambles on and on about all the hot girls who just wouldn't leave him alone. Oh, the DJ life sure is a hard life.

"Where the fuck is Hyunjin? If he left already I'm gonna kick his ass!" Felix suddenly frowns, looking around the club.

With no clue on where their other friend is, San just shrugs his shoulders. Felix and Hyunjin were already close friends when San started working at the club, and they somehow decided that he should be their friend as well. At first San didn't really like it as he's always been kind of a loner. But eventually, when he realized he had no chance of being left alone, he started to soften up. By now he wouldn't know what he would do without the two in his life.

"Anyway, I'm leaving," San mumbles while attempting to get up from the couch.

"Are you kidding me? It's Saturday, and you know what that means!" The spark in Felix' eyes is like the one in the eyes of children at Christmas.

"Felix, if you say s-"

"SHOTS!!"

"Everyday is shots-day for you though," San tries to argue, but he already knows it's a fail.

Felix might look like a cute little bean but he is persistent, and can be annoying as hell. And before San can even count to ten, exactly ten shots are lined up in front of each of them.

Fuck. He can already feel the hangover of tomorrow.

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♫ Chase Atlantic - EVEN THOUGH I'M DEPRESSED

~

A/N: I aged them up for this story, and also made San older than Yeosang! San is 25 and Yeosang is 23. It will be mentioned next chapter, but just in case anyone was wondering ^^