✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　*:･ﾟ✧*:･

TW: chronic pain

Os by Stina

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The world is still dark outside when Buck opens his eyes. The sun hasn't gone up yet.
In the background he can hear the busy traffic trickling by with one or two cars honking in between.
Everything is still a bit mute. His mind is only half awake and his bed tries to keep him hostage by lulling him back to sleep with its warmth. The fact that he has worked a 24-hours shift the day before definitely doesn't help his case.
He sluggishly goes to grab his phone off the nightstand but as it seems that isn't a good choice of action. As soon as Buck jostles his leg, hot searing pain shots from his left ankle up to his knee. The feeling is all compasing and he has to suppress a scream.
Ever since the ladder truck fell on his leg, he's had these temporary flare ups. His doctor said it's very likely that they won't ever go away. After all, his leg endured a lot of nerve damage in the accident.
"The fact that you can still use your leg in the capacity as you do is a miracle", he'd said but Buck doesn't feel lucky right now.
He shakily exhales before reaching for his phone again. This time avoiding moving his leg.
The first thing he sees when the screen lights up is a message from Eddie.
'I'll be there at 12'
Right. He and Eddie made plans.
Buck recently went on one of his google bing-search marathons again. This time he dug himself into every possible christmas snack he could and found many recipes he wanted to try. One of these had been roasted and caramelized almonds. Buck has been dying to try it and Eddie used the opportunity to invite himself along, using Christopher staying with a friend and him being home alone as a reason. Not that he would have needed one to begin with. Eddie could knock at 2 am at his door and Buck wouldn't hesitate to let him in. And he knows the feeling is mutual.
They have tiptoed around each other for a long time now. Buck can't tell when it started but over the years their relationship changed.

They alway gravitate in each other's space. "Attached at the hip", as Hen and Chim like to refer to them.
Touch is a normal occurrence, their knees always pressed together while sitting next to each other, even though there would be enough space to sit separately.
Or Buck tucking his cold feet under Eddie's warm tights while they sit on the couch and watch TV.

They both know the feelings are mutual but they still don't want to take that risk of losing the friendship they've built over the last years.

The 188 is Buck's family but Eddie and Christopher are his heart. Both Diaz boys came into his life and made him a better man, discovering parts of him no one has ever seen before.

And now half of his heart is coming over and Buck can't even stand. Great.
He looks at the time showing 11:05. Nervously his gace travels to the window. How could it be this late? It was still dark outside for all he knew.

And for fucks sake. With a silent groan he realizes that his curtains are still drawn close. The light is already shining through the small slits where they don't fully connect to the window sill.

Panic begins to take over now.
He can't let Eddie see him like this.
His best friend doesn't know about the chronic pain and Buck doesn't intend for him to find out now. He can manage this on his own. Eddie has enough on his plate already. Buck will not add another point to the list.

He cautiously opens his nightstand drawer. He should have a pack of Tylenol here somewhere. It should alleviate the pain enough for him to get through the couple hours Eddie will stay over.

With a triumphant noise he fishes the medication out of the drawer. But his excitement stops as soon as it arrives. The pack was light. Too light. It was fucking empty. A wine escapes him.
"Why does my life hate me? What have I done?"
His other medication is in his kitchen drawer. Down the stairs...

This will be fun.

He takes one big breath, closing his eyes as he prepares himself mentally.
Before he can second guess himself he throws the covers back and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. This time the firefighter can't suppress the scream of agony escaping him as his vision whites out for a moment. The pain is pulsing and biting, like electricity running through it.
Tears spring to his eyes and his body starts to shake. He tries to breath through it but it feels like his leg is getting crushed all over again.

"I can do this. I've had much worse. This is all in my head. I just have to power through this."
His self motivation works as well as one would expect. But if Buckleys are one thing it's stubborn. And Buck was never one to stop at his bodily limits. So he rights himself up. Tears are still leaking down his face and his fingers are starting to go numb because of the death grip he holds on the fabric beneath his palms.

He can do it. He can do it. He can do it. He has to do this.

He pushes himself onto his feet.

He can't do it.

His leg gives out before he even puts his full weight onto it, letting him fall to the floor, banging his head on the ground with a loud crack.
His mouth opens but no sound escapes. His ears are ringing and the world is spinning.

Why did he even try? There he goes again. Stupid Buck thinking he could take care of himself and failing. He is truly pathetic.

Buck curls up on himself, clutching his bad leg while he wails and sobs into the silent loft. He doesn't have the strength to get up again. It was already a struggle to get out of bed. It feels like the pain is freezing him into place and pulling him into the darkness of his mind.

"Buck? You here?"
He exhales. Eddie is here. Fuck. He probably used his key.
Buck starts to panic but before he can think of something a pained whine slips through his lips as he jostles his leg yet again.
There is a brief pause before Eddie's footsteps make their way up the stairs.
"Man, you good? You weren't answering the door and then I heard something fa-"
Eddie stops dead in his tracks when he sees a crying Buck laying curled up on the floor.
"Buck?!" He frantically rushes over, kneeling beside his partner.

"Hey hey. What happened? What is going on?"

Buck really wants to answer but the frog sitting in his throat makes it really hard. All he gets out is another pained sound in between sobs, concerning the other even more.
"It's okay. Just breathe with me. Take deep breaths." Eddie slides closer to assess his friend better but knocks his knee into Buck's leg in the process.
The following wail makes the man jump back in shock. Realisation and panic dawn on his face.
He slides a hand to Buck's face and makes the other look at him through glassy and bloodshot eyes.
"Is it your leg?" a shaky nod "What do you need?"
"Ty..nol.. kitchncabnit..." Before he can mumble anything else, Eddie already rushes down the stairs into the kitchen. He returns with the Tylenol and a glass of water shortly after, setting both on the nightstand.
"I'll help you sit up against the bed, okay?" Hands sneak under Buck's arms and pull him up when he shakily nods.
Buck wants to cut his fucking leg off. He wants it off. Somewhere it can't bother him anymore. "Eddie... cut it off! Please! I can't do this. I-I-"
"Hey hey- hey- shhh~ I've got you. I've got you." Eddie takes Buck's hand and guides it to his heart, letting the other feel the steady rhythm.
"I know it hurts but you need to breathe. Focus on me and take deep breaths. Can you do that for me?"
There is nothing Buck wouldn't do for this man. So how could he refuse him now?

"There you go. You're doing great." A calloused hand cups his face again. Eddie's thump wipes away the drying tears before his touch slides to the nape of his neck, resting there.
Slowly Eddie lets go of Buck's hand and grabs the Tylenol, handing it to him.
Buck swallows it dry, to the dismay of the man opposite him, if the look he gets is anything to go by.
"Does this happen often?"
"Every once in a while..."
Buck only gets another disapproving look. "Which means...?"
He sights "Once or twice a month...After long shifts or when the weather suddenly changes."
The sound Eddie makes is almost painful. "Why didn't you tell me this was happening?" Buck tries to avert his gaze. He can't stand the sad look in Eddie's eyes.
"I didn't want to hold you back. You have much more important things to take care of. I know you would have dropped everything you were doing if I would have told you that I was in pain. That's the kind of man you are and it's a part of why you are such a good friend and father. But you can't fix this. The flare-ups won't go away and I refuse to drag you down with me. I won't do that to you or Christopher."
The silence is all consuming for a moment. Buck still can't look his best friend in the eye.
"Buck..." Fingers trace his face once again and move it until his blue eyes connect with gold brown ones and Buck can't breath.
Eddie looks heartbroken.
"You have your own coffee mug at my house."
Well. That was... true but also confusing.
"Wha-"
"You have your own designated place on the couch, when we have a family movie night.
Basically half of the kitchen inventory is yours because you bought it over to cook for me and Christopher and later on left it there so you wouldn't have to bring it over again.
You are in almost every picture we have.
You help Christopher with his schoolwork and every project he has. I mean this kid has learned more facts from you than from any of his actual teachers" He chuckles, "You bring us soup when we are sick and take care of us.
Man, you stay over more at my house than at your loft. There even is a permanent drawer with your clothes in my bedroom. I mean, don't you see it Buck?
You are an integral part of my and Christopher's life. You are our person. We call you when we need help and you are always there." Eddie takes a breath before penetrating Buck with the most intense gaze he could.
"You say I have more important things on my plate... Buck there is nothing that could ever be as important as you or Christopher. You both are my family. My priority. Nothing could ever change that. I want to be there for you like you are for us.
You say I can't fix your flare-ups but I want to be there for you and make it easier to bear. Let me be there for you, like you alway are for us."
Buck doesn't notice his eyes getting blurry again. But he does notice the forehead pressing against his own now. And Eddie still keeps going.
"You could never drag me down. I've never felt lighter than when I'm with you."
Buck's breath catches in his throat. Eddie noticed all those little things and still wanted him to stay.
Buck has never felt so seen before, so known, so.. loved.

They stay like this for a moment, enjoying the quiet.
But in the end Eddie is the first to break the silence. " Sorry to break the moment but the floor is getting uncomfortable. What do you think about moving downstairs?"
"I don't think my leg can support my weight really."
"I could carry you down."
„Eddie I'm heavier than you."
"And? You remember the guy we carried out that burning building last week? He was also bigger than me and I carried him just fine."
What could Buck say opposing that?

So Eddie snakes his hands under the other's tights and pulls him up, while getting to his feet.
Buck wraps his arms around Eddie's shoulders, burying his face in the fabric of the shirt. He has to suppress a groan as his leg starts to ache again. It is much more bearable now but still very uncomfortable. "I know. I know. I will try to make it quick", Eddie tries to sothe. With slow, but steady steps he starts to make his way down the stairs, careful not to jostle Buck too much.
"If you drop me and I die. I'll come back and kill you."
"Well as long as you come back..."
"Eddie!"
"That was a joke. I wont drop you.
See? Already down the stairs."

Eddie gently sets Buck down on the couch.
"I'm sorry, I ruined our plans." He only earns himself an incredulous look.
"There is nothing to apologise for. You didn't ruin anything. We can still make those roasted almonds."
Buck huffs an amused breath.
"And who is supposed to make them? You? You couldn't even cook spaghetti the last time I came over."
Eddie raises his hands in surrender."I admit I'm no master in the kitchen-" "To put it lightly"
"But. Nothing is impossible with Evan Buckley as my guide. We can put a chair in the kitchen and you tell me what to do. What do you think?"
If Buck wasn't sitting down, he would probably fly away with all the butterflies going through his stomach right now. This man is a ticking time bomb in the kitchen and he still wants to try for Buck.
How did he get so lucky?

Half an hour later the whole loft smells like sugar and cinnamon. Buck is sitting at the kitchen Isle, his leg propped up on another chair. Eddie had gotten him one of his heating pads for his knee from upstairs.
Now the only thing left from the pain is a dull throbbing feeling.
"Now add the water and stir the almonds until they are coated in caramel."
"Ay Ay Captain!"
Both chuckle as Eddie does as he is told. It's a nice and warm atmosphere.
"You know. To what you said earlier...", Buck hesitates for a moment "... You too."
The other looks at him with his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
Buck exhales before explaining further. "You and Christopher are my priority too. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. When you both came into my life, you helped me become someone others can be proud of and I am very thankful for that. I know I can be too much, hot headed and not to forget stubbo-"

He doesn't notice Eddie leaving the stove, but he does notice the lips pressing onto his own. It takes a moment but he gives in, leaning into the body in front of him. His arms wind around Eddie's waist, pulling him closer, signing into the kiss.
When they part, Buck can only look at the other in awe before chuckling. "What was that for?"
The gace Eddie gives him can only be described as one of pure adoration. "For being you. You and your beautiful, lovable self."

Buck is a man of facts. He can rant on and on about every topic you could think of. But right now he is speechless.
So, he does the only plausible thing, draw Eddie back in and kiss him again.

Once they pull away, they rest their foreheads against each other. The words they don't dare to say yet hang unspoken in the air.
Buck thinks he might be dreaming.
"Eddie..." the man in question smiles down at him "If you burn those almonds I will tell Christopher and you won't ever live this down."
Panic takes over Eddie's features as he rushes back to the stove, cursing in spanish.
In the end, both firefighters start laughing.
And if they end up cuddling on the couch eating their winter snack, that's between them and the almonds.

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Roasted almonds, sugar & sprinkle of  Love

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