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C H A P T E R T H I R T Y - N I N E

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»If we were meant to be, we would have been by now.«

– Billie Eilish

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That Taeyong was gone for a short time didn't bother me. After all, he had to verify that the passwords I mentioned were correct. Also, now that he was gone, I could even think better without my emotions playing with me; these traitors.

Normally, I wouldn't have given any further thought to his absence; would have waited calmly until he came back.

If only there hadn't been this rushed phone call. Maybe then I wouldn't have jumped up like this when I heard another cell phone ringing; my own phone which was in my bag in Taeyong's office.

The feeling that something had happened grabbed me and wouldn't let go of me. So I literally ran into Taeyong's office and hectically searched in my handbag to get my cell phone out and accepted the call without further ado.

"You... ditched us." Was the first thing I heard. Disappointment could be heard in Mark's voice over the phone's speaker. While it may have sounded mean, I was actually relieved to hear his plaintive voice rather than real bad news.

"I didn't," I said quickly in the attempt of soothing him, "I'll join you... just... later..."

"But..."

Another person interfered in the background. In addition to the slight pitch in his voice, I assumed it had to be Ten, "What does she say? Gimme the phone."

"No, I'm talking."

"Let go!"

"Ouch."

"What's the problem?" Yep, it was Ten. In contrast to Mark, his voice was not disappointed, but stern and salty.

"Did you just punch him?" I wanted to know. There would be no other way to grab Mark's phone without using violence.

"Nah, it's nothing. So, what's the matter, Cami?" He didn't let go of the subject. "You're not coming?"

Only now did I realize how comfortably warm it was in Taeyong's office compared to the waiting area. I wish we would have decided to work here.

"It's... you know... I don't feel so well." I lied to Ten, hoping he'd buy my excuse. "I'm having all these cramps and don't feel like moving at all right now."

"You're having cramps..." He repeated after me.

"Yes, I just started my period and the first day is the worst." It wasn't a complete lie: factually, the first day was really the worst. It was hell and suffering and pain and just so damn bloody.

"Aha. Must be really bad," He said monotonously with a doubt in his voice.

"Yes, very much."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"What?" Actress-me gasped in indignation, "It isn't as easy as you think when one of your living organs goes in self-destruction mode for several days once a month!"

There was a pause before he said something. "Listen here, liarpants, you either tell me what's going on or you swing your pretty ass over here immediately before we're gonna have a big problem."

"Ten-" I started arguing only to be interrupted by him.

"No, don't you dare 'Ten' me."

I sighed in defeat, "Okay fine," Either I wasn't as good of a liar as I thought, or Ten had become the master of exposure, "Don't tell Mark or anyone else, but..."

"I'm listening."

"I am working on something right now... with Taeyong to be exact," I admitted, "And before you judge me, there was no other way."

He puffed, "No, I'm still judging you."

"I promise I'll explain it to you later, just trust me on this."

It was as if he didn't even listen to what I was saying, but rather as if he chased after other information, "Is he by your side?"

"Not right now, but he should return in a few minutes."

The other end of the phone line remained silent. I almost thought the line had been cut, when he  finally said something, skepticism in his voice, "Is it about Nakamoto?"

"Yes," I lied. I didn't know why, but something in me had a bad feeling telling him the real reason why Taeyong and I were still working together, at least not over the phone. Mentioning the files and the passwords wouldn't be a good idea right now; no one should know how much the audios from my mother bothered me.

"This fucking oven!" A voice shouted suddenly in the background and I assumed that it was Mark.

"Not again..." I heard Ten sigh, before he shouted, "I'll be there in a sec..." He then seemed to talk back to his phone, addressing me. "Sorry, Cami, there is this issue with Mark and his motherfucking burnt pizza."

"It's okay," I said.

"But you're still coming over, aren't you?"

"Definitely!"

"Good. Just wait till you-know-who gets back, yeah? Don't fall or trip or anything like that while I'm not there to watch out."

I blew air out of my nose. "I'm not an idiot; I can take care of myself."

"Whatever you say," he answered in a sing-song voice, "Just do your thing and come to my place as soon as possible."

"My thing?"

"You know what I mean - Do whatever you have to do with him; be it financial analysis or paperwork... even bang him if you want. Just hurry up, we are waiting for you."

"Are Cami and Boss banging again?" I heard Mark ask from a distance as my eyes grew wide.

But the icing on the cake was Ten answering him, "Yeah."

"Ten, you–"

Of course, he didn't let me have my say, "Gotta watch the movie, see you then."

"Fuck you, Ten!" I shouted into my phone, but I wasn't sure if he even heard me, because he already had hung up on me. "Fuck! You!"

Rolling my eyes at my phone, I turned back to the window by Taeyong's desk. I tapped my fingers on the smooth, cold surface of the table, humming to myself. My nerves were strained anyway thanks to the audios which were emotionally more draining than I had assumed. And in all the chaos of emotional trauma, I didn't need any upcoming rumors regarding Taeyong. Talking about him, I had been waiting for quite a while already but he hadn't shown up yet. He would probably be around in a couple more minutes.

Sighing, I leaned against the window, from where one had the perfect view of the walnut tree that was adjacent to the parking lot. Where there was now another parking lot, there used to be a large green meadow, right under the walnut tree, just two years ago. Staring at it, I became nostalgic, remembering the days where this building was filled with the playful and adorable laugher of our childhood. Being young was nice.

Out of the blue, I remembered something that happened only mere weeks before I had packed my stuff and left everybody for good. Left him for good... or so I thought.

I was in Taeyong's room, staring out the window, warily observing my father and Taeyong's father discussing strategies while seeming to enjoy their drinks.

My eyes caught a little girl in a bright pink dress trip and fall. She was a clumsy one, even managing to end up rolling comically on the grass once before coming to a stop with her face flat down in the dirt. In a matter of seconds, her body was shaking slightly. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she was crying. I didn't know in that situation, but it turned out she had been the daughter of one of my father's business partners –

Still don't know why anyone outside the Sinister Six would voluntarily take their children to the headquarter and left them unsupervised. Yes, we played here as children too, but we had no other option left, we literally had no other place, this used to be our only home. We all lived here, from the cooks to the bodyguards to our parents. Our mums – the classic mafia wives in disguise with their sheath dresses, pearl earrings, and a minimum of six-carat sparkler on their ring fingers – always made sure to give us plenty of playtimes while our fathers were caught up in the game busy chasing paper.

The crying girl was still laying on the grass. Wondering if I should go down to take a look – naive me could never blame children for their parent's mistakes – I then spotted a man jogging towards the little girl.

His silky hair reflected the sunlight, looking radiant and glorious around his face. Kneeling down on the grass, he picked the little girl up with ease and dusted off the grass blades and dirt off of her soiled dress.

He wiped the tears away from the wailing girl's round face before ruffling her hazel brown hair, beaming at her which prompted her to smile back. He said some words to her, and her plump cheeks turned rosy and she threw her arms around his neck, letting him carry her with ease as if she had just heard her ideal prince charming speak to her in all her fantasies and dreams.

A tiny smile played on my lips at the thought. Before he inherited his father's position, Taeyong had always been there to help out, and to comfort, he'd never wanted to admit it but he always had a soft spot for children. Then it dawned on me that one of the reasons for that gaping hole in my heart that could never seem to be mended was that I had missed that side of Taeyong. I missed seeing him caring, seeing him smile, seeing him laugh.

I took a step back from the window, not wanting to let my emotions get the best of me. But thanks to my clumsiness, my waist knocked into the sharp part of the table mistakenly, making me cry out in pain and flail my arms about wildly to keep my balance. In the process, I accidentally pushed over several pieces of paper and a book onto the floor.

Landing with a loud thump on the floor, I winced at the new sore spot on my waist while the huge mess of papers fell like snowflakes, gently falling to the floor with a collective shuffle.

I anxiously got to my feet, feeling bad for causing this mess in Taeyong's office. I should've listened to Ten, maybe I did need him to keep an eye on me.

Great, now Ten had managed to brainwash me into thinking I really was stupid.

"Fuck..." I cursed under my breath to no one in particular, while hastily gathering up the papers and setting them on the table in a neat pile before going to retrieve the book.

The notebook was encased in leather covering, and it lay half-open on the ground, letters and envelopes spilling out of it. As I got to retrieving them and shuffling them into a neat pile though, I came across a paper of an officially stamped document which oddly enough was titled marriage certificate, but before I could think about it properly, a certain word on one of the letters above it caught my eye.

Carmen.

Feeling a jolt in my nerves, I hesitated. Basic courtesy would be to respect one another's privacy. That was just one reason up against the many questions popping up in my head, however.

Besides, since it concerned me, I had a right to know, didn't I?

Picking the smooth piece of paper up, I scanned through its contents. The words were written in fanciful, cursive handwriting. His handwriting was controlled and so much more beautiful than my own; another thing on the list of what Taeyong's hands were skilled at. It made me feel as if I was reading the diary of a historical figure, except that it was a letter in some notebook of Taeyong's.

A brief feeling of guilt washed over me but I shrugged it off. Curiosity killed the cat, but curiosity still won me over.

As I skimmed through some of the content about the mafia and its dirty businesses, I noticed the letter was addressed to me.

My eyes stopped at one of the sentences, which wrote:

"... ...I always thought you'd be the one, Carmen, you should've been the one... ..."

My brain stuttered for a moment and my eyes took in more light than I expected as they read all of those sentences, every part of me went on pause while my thoughts caught up.

"Congrats, you can keep your firstborn–" A male voice said from the hallway at the other side of the door, stopping himself mid-sentence, but in that exact moment my brain couldn't really process what was going on, so I didn't really hear him being back. Not until the door slammed tightly shut, nearly breaking off its hinges in the process. In my shock, I dropped the few papers in my hand, including the letter and my wide eyes came to rest at the shocked man standing by the door.

"What are you doing in here?" His tone was suspicious and he moved towards me in large strides, hastily picking up the letter I had dropped. Upon recognition, his eyes widened considerably with shock before narrowing into angry, betrayed slits at me.

But his intimidating stance had no effect on me whatsoever. Right then, I was probably feeling just as betrayed, yet at the same there was this sinking feeling in my chest that made me want to throw up.

"You," he sneered, not bothering to hide the venom in his voice, "who gave you the permission to go through my possessions?"

I remained silent. One could probably hear the booming drum of my erratic heartbeat.

"What did you read? How much did you read?" He spat every word like they were poison on his tongue.

To that, my lips tugged up sardonically, surprising myself. "I read enough." My tone was neutral, distant and cold, if anything.

Taeyong was speechless. Raking his fingers through his hair, he suddenly laughed bitterly. "So, you know everything?"

I looked away, well aware I had reached the limit of my emotional capacity. I pursed my lips as Taeyong closed the distance between us. Instinctively, my legs took a step back, and another, as he continued to back me up against the glass panes of the window behind me, leaving me trapped.

Keeping my gaze lowered, I flinched when Taeyong's hands slammed loudly on either side of my face. The glass vibrated from the impact and for a moment I felt like I was falling prey to the beastly man in front of me.

I could feel his breath on my forehead, and I stuck my body as close to the window as possible.

"How much do you know?" he repeated, a strain in his voice.

I refused to answer him, and so he tipped my chin up, forcing me to look in his eyes. Wordlessly, we stared at each other. I chewed on my lip for fear that I would break down the instant I opened my mouth to speak.

"I'll only ask this one more time. How much do you know?"

Taking a shaky breath, I blinked back the moisture in my eyes. "You've married her, haven't you?"

A few moments of silence passed between us before Taeyong gave a loud sigh. Whether it was relief or frustration, I could not differentiate. But it agitated me all the same.

I raised my hands to his chest and shoved him away to allow me to exit the room quickly. I wanted to save myself the humiliation, at the very least.

But of course, Taeyong would not even grant me that privilege. His hand grasped my wrist firmly, pulling me back. I whimpered at that, trying in vain to keep my tears from falling. Still, I kept my back facing him, refusing in all my pride to let him see me vulnerable.

"Wait."

I bit back a bitter laugh. So that was the first thing he would say to me?

"Carmen, I—"

"I'm tired, let me go to the room, please," I cut him off.

"Rest here. I need to explain."

"There's nothing more to explain, Taeyong."

"Yes, I owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me one in the first place."

"I'm still going to explain things to you."

"I don't want to talk."

I tried to wrench my hand from Taeyong's grasp but his hold was too tight; it was beginning to hurt. "It hurts, Taeyong, let go!"

Before I could say anymore, he pulled me into an embrace. I struggled against him, trying to push away, but his muscular arms encircling me prevented that, caging me in.

All I could do was to succumb, but the annoying thing was that I had already begun to cry.

Shaking with angry sobs, my fists hit the man over and over. "Just stop it, I can't take this anymore..."

"I apologize, Carmen. I never meant for you to find out this way."

"You never meant for me to find out in the first place, did you?"

He remained silent.

"Why?" That was the only question I wanted him to answer. Why would he pretend nothing had happened when he supposedly married Kye Nalin but then wrote me a letter he never intended to sent?

"It's... complicated. That's all I can say."

"You know what? I really hate you." I clenched my teeth.

A destructive silence fell over the entire room. As if the world fell silent, and the stars became still. "That's old news," His words carried so much heaviness; the sadness in his voice traveled through every cell in me before it reached my ears. "If you loved me back then, you would've stayed no matter what."

If he wasn't holding me and if I wasn't crying, I would have cracked him right across the face for being the jerk of the century. "To stay would have meant your demise!" I shouted at him, feeling as if I was about to choke on my own tears.

Taking advantage of him having loosened his hold, I pushed him away and ran out of the room.

He yelled my name from behind which only spurred me on faster. Some recruits who hadn't left the headquarter yet were walking along the corridor, at the sight of my tear-streaked face they gaped and stared, some even unashamedly pointing at me and whispering among themselves.

I didn't care for any of that, though. All I wanted was to get away, to get away from Taeyong, away from the headquarter, away from reality.

I sped down the halls, making various turns though I had no idea where I was going. I didn't care anymore. Now I had a fiery passion and desire to go back home, back to my apartment, back to my university friends, back to being by myself.

"Carmen? What're you doing here?" Someone called from behind me.

I quickened my pace, which only amused the man who jogged up next to me. "So you were at the meeting I heard? How was it?"

Turning sideways so he wouldn't see my face, I kept quiet and continued with my directionless walk.

"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He brought his hand firmly down on my shoulder, forcing me to stop and to turn around. I stubbornly kept my face down, though.

"I remembered your awful black leather jacket..." I lied half-heartedly.

Lucas snorted. "No kidding. But really," He bent down to look at my sparkly eyes, the skin on his forehead crinkling with concern, "What happened?"

"Can you... just bring me away... please?" My voice broke towards the end.

"Something happened, alright. Was it Taeyong? What did he say to you? I'm not doing anything until you tell me everything that went down between the two of you."

"But—"

"No 'buts'. I need to know what he did to hurt you!"

"What he did?" I looked up fiercely at him, "Don't act like you don't know, Lucas! You all knew, but chose not to tell to lure me into this mess!"

"What, I—"

"All this time I've been constantly lied to. I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore," I cried. The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I felt the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child.

"Carmen, you're hyperventilating."

My shaky knees buckled beneath me, and I would have fallen to the ground quite roughly had it not been for Lucas who caught me by my arms and supported my weight. I breathed sharply and irregularly, eyes prickling with more tears.

"I need my mum." I whimpered, seemingly reverting back to my 12-year-old self, trying my hardest to stay above the water while waves crashed over me. I let myself sink further and further into Lucas' arms.

He held me in silence, rocking me slowly as my tears soaked his cotton shirt. I sobbed into his chest unceasingly, hands clutching at his jacket, "I can't bear to stay here..."

A tiny lapse let me pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before I collapsed again, my howls of misery worsening, the hole in my heart widening.

"Shh, I got you, babe," I heard his soothing voice next to my ear, "But it isn't time for you to go yet."

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A/N
good news, I decided to update sooner than planned,
bad news, not gonna lie, this chapter broke my heart, too.

xx, Lyra