I don't know if I exist. Not really. I mean, I must—I'm breathing, aren't I? My hands are solid, my pulse is there, faint but persistent. But sometimes I swear I'm nothing more than a thought passing through someone else's head. A fragment of something bigger, someone bigger. Or smaller. I don't know.

What's the point of it all? People say life has meaning, that it's about love, happiness, or finding yourself. But what if you don't know who "yourself" is? What if you wake up one day and the person in the mirror isn't quite right? Not because their face has changed, not in any way you can pinpoint, but because something in their eyes tells you you haven't been here in a while. And you wonder—where was I? Who was I? Did I miss anything important?

I try to piece it together, try to make sense of it, but every time I think I'm getting close, something shifts inside me. Like I was almost at the answer, almost at something real, but then the ground splits open beneath me, and I'm falling. And then I'm standing somewhere else, someone else. And I don't remember slipping away. I don't remember closing my eyes, but suddenly I'm here again, and time has passed, and I don't know where I went.

Is there another me who thinks he's real? Who feels just as lost as I do? Or do I just blink out, like a light someone forgot to turn back on? That's what scares me the most. Not knowing if I disappear or if I just become someone else. What if I'm nothing more than a ghost haunting my own body? A shadow, a whisper, something fleeting and fragile and—wrong.

Maybe life doesn't have a meaning. Maybe it's just—this. A collection of moments, some that belong to me, some that belong to someone else who wears my face. Maybe I'm not supposed to figure it out. Maybe the reason I can't find an answer is because I keep breaking into pieces before I get there.

And maybe, in the end, I don't really exist at all.

​​・・・・・​​⟢

My phone suddenly rang, dragging me out of my head and snapping me back into the real world.

'Hello?'

'Kallias,' I heard my mother's voice on the other line. Her tone was rushed and panicked, making me aware that she called for a reason.

'Mom? What happened?'

'Can you come to Brentwood today?'

'Mom you're scaring me. Did something happen?'

'Mabel—'

Hearing her name was enough to feel the panic creeping up on me. 'Mabel what? Finish the sentence, mom!'

'She tried to—' Her voice got cut off by what sounded like a sob. 'She tried to take her life Kallias.'

The moment the words left her mouth, I think I stopped breathing.

The moment she said it, my whole body locked up, like something inside me had snapped. Not broken—snapped. Like a cord pulled too tight, holding everything together, and now it was recoiling, whipping back, cutting through me. I heard her voice, shaking, uneven, raw in a way I'd never heard before. She was still talking, but my brain couldn't keep up. The words blurred together, drowned out by the deafening silence in my head.

She tried to take her life.

One sentence. Just one sentence, and suddenly the world was splitting apart beneath me.

I gripped the phone so hard my fingers ached. I wanted to say something, anything, but my throat had closed up. It felt like if I spoke, if I even breathed, the whole thing would become more real, and I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for this.

My sister—my sister—had tried to leave. And I wasn't there.

The thought slammed into me, knocking the air from my lungs. Guilt wrapped itself around my ribs like a vice, squeezing tighter and tighter until I swore I could feel my bones cracking under the weight of it. I should have known. I should have seen it coming. There had to have been signs, right? Moments where she was quieter than usual, where her smiles didn't reach her eyes, where she hesitated just a little too long before saying she was okay.

Had I asked? Had I even noticed?

She wasn't okay, and I hadn't been there. Hadn't done anything to stop it. Hadn't saved her.

I blinked hard, forcing the tears back, even though my vision was already blurring.

I clenched my jaw, gripping the phone so tightly it should've shattered. My heartbeat pounded in my ears, too fast, too loud. She was alive, but she had wanted not to be. My sister—who I'd grown up with, who I'd fought with over stupid things, who had been there my whole life—had gotten to a place where she thought there was only one way out. And I had no idea how to handle that. No idea how to fix it.

She tried to take her life.

She tried, and I almost lost her.

​​・・・・・​​⟢

I couldn't remember how I left my room, but what I did remember, was my sister's face before I left after her birthday.

She knew what she was going to do soon when I was leaving. She had decided already. That's why she hugged me unusually tight even though she despised physical touch, that's why she cried and explained to me how much she loved me exactly.

She had it all set, and I didn't notice.

I didn't notice.

My hand raised unconsciously to knock on the door, but I wasn't sure why was I there.

The door creaked open, revealing Newt with messy hair, his face hardening as he saw me. "What are you doing here?"

"Newt—" I started, my voice catching up in my throat as tears stung my eyes.

"Just because you helped me in the gym doesn't mean that we're magically friends now, Kallias."

I ignored it. For the first time in my life, I ignored his hateful words, not even having the ability to react to them. "Mabel tried to take her life." My words were rushed, like I had vomited them. As soon as they were out, it felt even more real, suffocating me to the point where I couldn't breathe.

His face shifted from hatred to something that looked like concern. Maybe I was just making it up and he was still staring at me with the same expression, maybe he hated me so much that he didn't care about Mabel either, maybe—

"I'll get dressed in two minutes, okay? Come in."

"...what?" I looked at him, tears still blinding my sight but I had stopped crying from shock.

He sighed, opening the door wide and gripping my shoulder to make me go into his room.

His grip was surprisingly gentle, and his voice too. I could've sworn it even trembled at some point, although it could be just my imagination.

"How is she?"

"Stable. Broken ribs, broken leg, but alive." I forced the words out of me, slowly drinking the water he had held out for me.

He ran his hand down on his face, nodding before disappearing into his bedroom.

It took him less than a minute to get ready, but it felt like an eternity for me. Time passed and all I could do was sit there and blame myself in silence.

I should've noticed.

It was my responsibility to notice it.

"Kallias," Fingers snapped in front of my face, snapping me back into the reality. I looked up at him and got up from the couch, using a wall for support because it felt like my legs would give in any second.

"I can't drive." I blurted out, sniffling weakly.

"It's okay, I will. It's gonna be okay, alright? She's gonna be okay."

"You don't know that," my voice got shaky again and my breathing hitched, causing me to cough continuously until he gave me another glass of water.

"I do. Believe me, okay?" He rubbed his hand on my back, soothing me while I drank water to calm down. "She'll be alright. Not now, but soon."

Not now, but soon.

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Hi loves!

Still no fun chapter(I'll write them soon, trust)

Give some feedback please, it makes me so happy! Tell me what you think of Newt or Kallias or Mabel or any other character, tell me what you'd like to see in this fanfic and what you want me to pay more attention to:)

Take care and stay safe!!