Chapter Twenty - Two
"reckless"

❣︎

"Look, I worked my ass off during our free day yesterday, and I managed to finish it. Barely. But it's something, for now," Gally explains, marching in front of me.

They spent a whole day at the mission. For me, it was a whole day of anxiously waiting for them to return. Gally was, surprisingly, smiling when he returned and immediately needed to show me something.

"Alright. There we are." He stops walking.

I glance around. We're near the edge of our base, close to the beach. Multiple huts surround us, along with the beginning trail of the woods.

I frown.

"This." He points at the hut next to us.

My mouth forms an 'o' shape when I realize, then I frown again. What about it?

"It's for you," he hints, almost questioningly. "The hut is for you. If someone deserves a private spot, it's you."

Gally opens the door before I can respond. Inside the hut, I see a mattress. It's on the floor, but still a whole lot better than a hammock. A white blanket covers it. The tiniest desk stands in the corner of the room, along with a crooked chair.

The walls are completely made out of wood. Apart from the door, there is another hole; something that is supposed to represent a window, except there's no glass in it.

Gally catches me looking. "Eh, we're still trying to get glass. For now, you better use many blankets so you won't be cold."

My hammock was out in the open, so this won't be a problem.

I nod, jumping to embrace him in a tight hug. He chuckles lowly and hugs back.

My other 'thank you' is a peck on his left cheek, the corners of my lips curved up into a big smile. Gally chuckles again as he touches his kissed skin.

"Alright, alright, don't get sappy. I'm just doing what anyone would do for a friend."

Friend. None of the friends I've had in the past are like Gally. I feel like there's more to this. To us, perhaps. He must feel it, too. He's just trying to ignore it.

I smile again. He clears his throat. "I better go now. Good night."

Before I can decently respond, he has vanished into the dark night. I stand still, stunned, for a moment, then shrug and start getting ready for bed.

❣︎

I wave the second Desmia sits down, Cora in her arms. The kid shyly buries her head in her mom's chest, peeking at me now and then.

"This place is indeed quite nice," Desmia sighs out. "I just hope they defeat those Grayshades soon." She peels Cora off her chest. "Come on, you. Maybe Addy has some fun activities in store. I'm sure Rachel wants to join, too. Just the girls, yeah?"

I offer Cora a warm smile and gesture with my hands. I tap my chin and then pretend to paint in the air.

Cora tilts her head, glancing up at Desmia for clarification. Desmia chuckles. "She's asking if you want to do some painting. What do you think?"

Cora's eyes widen with excitement, and she nods.

I grin, standing up and motioning for her to follow me. I point toward a spot near the edge of the base where they've stashed a few leftover supplies—a couple of brushes, scraps of wood we can use as makeshift canvases, and some colorful dyes.

Before we can make it far, though, I notice movement out of the corner of my eye. Aris steps out of the woods, his hair slightly messy, his shirt damp with sweat as though he's been running. His gaze lands on me first, then flickers to Cora and Desmia.

"Hey," he says, brushing a hand through his hair. "What's going on over here?"

"Addy's about to entertain Cora with some painting."

"Well, if you're the one leading it, I'm sure it'll turn out great," he tells me. The words catch me off guard, and I blink at him, tilting my head slightly. He scratches the back of his neck. "I mean—" he stammers, his cheeks faintly pink. "You've got a good eye for details, right?"

Nodding, I quickly lower my gaze, pretending to organize the painting supplies. Cora tugs at my hand.

Desmia snorts. "Well, don't just stand there, Aris. You're not allowed to paint with us but you're definitely welcome to carry our supplies."

"Right. Yeah, sure," he replies quickly. He bends down to pick up a small wooden crate filled with brushes and dyes.

We reach the painting spot. Cora is already sorting the brushes with delight. I crouch down beside her, giving her a quick thumbs-up before setting out the rest of the supplies.

Aris lingers nearby, his gaze drifting as I guide Cora through mixing colors and brushing them onto the wooden scraps. Desmia curses when she messes her painting up for the millionth time, and eventually gives up. She watches as Cora finishes her landscape.

Cora beams with pride as she holds up her finished piece. I smile at her and clap my hands.

Desmia leans over, her arms crossed. "At least someone's got talent around here. Mine looks like... I don't even know."

Aris watches me, his eyebrows scrunched for some reason. I clear my throat, a bit too loud, and straighten my back.

"Alright, kiddo," Desmia says after a while. "It's almost bedtime for you. Say thank you to Addy."

Cora jumps up, hugging me tightly. I pat her back and offer a wide smile as she pulls away. Desmia gives me a knowing look, one that says we'll talk later, before scooping Cora up and heading toward the huts.

Aris eventually breaks the silence. "Do you want to go swimming again sometime? I'm kind of bored these days."

Even though I blush at the previous memories, I nod.

❣︎

The moon is high when I find myself pacing outside the hut a few days later, nerves twisting in my stomach. Gally is sitting on a log near the edge of the woods, sharpening a blade. He doesn't notice me at first, too focused on his work, until I step closer.

He looks up. "Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asks teasingly.

I pause, offering a small shrug. I tap my temple lightly with my finger and give him a sheepish smile. Thinking too much.

He chuckles under his breath and pats the empty space beside him. I hesitate for a moment before sitting down. The silence between us is comfortable, broken only by the distant sound of waves and the scrape of his blade.

"What's on your mind?" He wonders.

I tap my chin and then touch my chest with two fingers before pointing to him. You. I motion toward the hut. I try to tell him how much it means.

"You're thanking me?" he asks after a moment. I nod, my lips moving into a small smile. He shakes his head with a low laugh. "You don't need to, you know. I told you—it's no big deal. Just looking out for you."

But it is a big deal. I shake my head firmly, pressing my hand over my heart before gesturing toward him again. I wish I could say the words aloud, explain everything I'm feeling, but my hands will have to be enough.

"I wanted you to have a safe space. That's all."

Safe. That word strikes something deep within me, and before I can stop myself, I shift closer, leaning toward him. All my life—or ever since I lost my voice—I did everything with hesitation and patience. Observing and analyzing every detail before making a decision. Maybe, this once, I should just... go for it. Unexpected. Bold. See if that's fitting or if I will keep the analyzing up all the time.

My pulse thrums in my ears as I tilt my head slightly, moving it closer to Gally's. He stares at me, as if he doesn't understand.

When he does, his eyes wide, and he jerks away from me right before my lips touch his.

"Adelaide..." His voice is strained. "I... I don't think we should—" He stops himself, sighing as he scratches the back of his neck. "I mean, you're amazing, but... we're friends. Right?"

Should've stuck with observing all the time.

It's like my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach. I glance away, biting the inside of my cheek to keep my face neutral. I nod slowly. My hands clench into fists. Of course. Just friends.

"I'm sorry," he adds. "I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the best people I know, and I care about you a lot. But not like that."

I force a smile, nodding again. It's fine. It has to be fine. It was dumb. But... not a weird idea, I think. I thought there was something between us. If this is just friendship to him, why is he so nice? So nice compared to everyone else? Why does he take care of me like that?

Because you're weak. I stand straight up at that thought, turning toward my hut in a hurry.

"Adelaide—" Gally calls worriedly, but I shake my head, giving a small wave as I disappear.

Once inside the hut, I sit down on the edge of the mattress, staring at the wooden wall. My chest aches. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It doesn't help much, but it's something. I lie back and stare at the ceiling, blinking back tears.

I've ruined it all. We won't be the same ever again. Why the hell did I even do that? If I would've focused on his earlier mention of 'friends' before, I wouldn't have done this. If I would've inspected his expressions better, or maybe if I just hadn't been so reckless.

I lie there, my body trembling. I can't escape my thoughts. They swirl around me as always, relentless. I want to scream, but I can't. The voice in my head is far louder than any sound I could make.

I sit back up, my hand gripping the side of the mattress, and force my eyes to stay open, even though all I want to do is close them and pretend none of this is real. But the shame keeps me awake.

"You're stupid," I whisper, the words searing through me. It feels like the air is being sucked out of my lungs with every breath I take, but I can't stop. I need this. I need to hurt, to feel something, because all of this feels like too much for me to bear.

I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I thought I could reach for something that wasn't meant for me. The pressure builds in my chest again. My heart pounds painfully.

"You're stupid," I mutter to myself. It hurts so much to speak, but I need it. My throat is raw with the effort, and my voice trembles with each word, but I need it. "So stupid."

I press my hand to my throat. I can't stop the tears that start to leak from my eyes. I squeeze them shut, trying to shut out the pain, but it's no use.

"Stupid." My palms press against the sides of my head. The word burns. I feel the coughing fit slowly crawl up my throat.

"You ruined it," I speak louder. "You stupid—" it breaks into a cough. I try to take a breath, but it feels like I've forgotten how. My chest rises and falls in shallow bursts, struggling against the suffocating pain, the ache that won't let me go.

"Stupid...stupid..." I rasp between each cough. My hands clench, nails biting into my palms, grounding myself in the pain, because it's the only thing I can feel right now. It's the only thing that makes the shame feel real.

Each word stings, leaving nothing but aching emptiness. I can feel the tightness in my chest growing with every breath, every word feels like it's stealing what little air I have left. My hands tremble uncontrollably as I press them harder against my temples, trying to hold myself together.

"Stupid," I whisper again, but this time the word feels distant. The pressure in my head increases. My vision blurs and spins as I cough, the edges of the room seeming to sway as if I'm on the boat again. As if I'm back in Desmia's bunker, gasping for air.

I cough again, the harsh sound ripping through my throat, and I can feel the blood rushing to my head. It's too much. It's too much. My hands grip the mattress now.

"Stupid..." The word is now directed at the fact I started speaking in the first place. I'm supposed to be smart. Why did I do that? My chest tightens so sharply that I can't take a full breath. I try, but the air seems to slip past me, not enough to fill my lungs.

The room tilts and spins. I want to stop, want to end this feeling of suffocating guilt and shame, but it won't let me. It's pulling me under.

My hands are still pressed to my chest, yet they're shaking violently now. My breath is shallow and uneven, a desperate gasp. Cold sweat breaks out on my skin.

I try to sit up, but my body refuses. My vision flickers, my vision black before everything fades into nothing.