˖ ࣪ AGAIN, AGAIN, 𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡
AGAIN. . . !

━━━━━ ( 013. real life )
✶ ・・❛ BACK TO DECEMBER. ❜

( ☼ )

CHRIS AWKWARDLY SITS ON his bed, an uncomfortable ache in his chest as he messes with the fabric of his jeans.

this has quite literally got to be the worst silence chris has ever had to sit in. he keeps wanting to fidget around, but then he remembers that clementine is busy drawing him for this art project, so he's forced to sit still and bathe in the tension.

he can't even watch her and admire her beauty since she keeps looking over at him for reference on the art piece. he's already been caught like seven times, so he's decided to just blankly stare at his comforter.

clementines phone lights up with a notification from where she sat it on the end of chris' bed and he can't help it whenever his eyes jump to it. his heart instantly tears a little in his chest. her lock screen is a picture of jax holding socks up 'the lion king' style. there's a smile on his face while he holds up the cat chris and clementine rescued together and clementine adores it enough to have it as her lock screen. it makes him want to die.

clementine picks up her phone and begins texting someone while miserable thoughts take over chris' head. he likes to make himself feel better by telling himself that clementines only with jax to get on his nerves but with seeing that picture, he can feel the happiness radiating off of it. despite all the times chris has seen them arguing in school, there's even more sacred, happy moments shared between them that he doesn't see. in her own twisted way, clementine somehow finds a happiness with him.

it makes chris want to disappear off of the earth forever. that used to be his place. he used to be the one on her lock screen. he used to hold up socks the exact same way jax is in that picture. socks used to be clementine and chris' cat.

his eyes trail over to clementine as a slight smile takes over her lips, clearly texting someone from the way her fingers move over the phone. he almost asks who it is but then, of course, remembers he has no right to ask her things like that anymore.

he wonders if it's jax and really hopes it isn't. he knows they were arguing during the school assembly today and he hopes that she wouldn't forgive him so easily. chris got the chance to read some of the texts because of the way he was eavesdropping next to her, secretly trying to make out what the messages said. the way he talks to her is actually insane from what he can tell. clementine could never deserve to be treated like that. he can't believe that she fell into the completely wrong arms just because of his mistake. despite his own mistake, he still knows how much she is worth—which is a lot. chris hopes jax hasn't made her blind to how much she's worth and he really, really hopes he isn't responsible for it either.

clementine eventually finishes typing something and sending whatever it is, putting her phone back down afterwards. she notices chris' stare and makes the type of eye contact that makes him wish he were dead. he looks away and she picks her pencil back up, going back to drawing.

the silence is practically deafening and he knows he needs to break it. he searches his brain for something to say and all he can get out is dry small talk. "so um... how's life?" he asks, instantly clamping his eyes shut when he realizes that's what he came up with out of all things. clementine gives him a blank look and he clears his throat. "uh, i mean..." he trails off for a moment, trying to find something he actually wants to ask, and letting out a breath once he comes up with something. "how's your family?" he asks, daring to look over to her again.

clementine looks at him for a second too long, something flashing through her eyes that he wishes he still had the ability to easily figure out. she breaks the eye contact and looks back down to her sketch book. "fine," she hums.

chris frowns at the way that that's hardly even an actual answer. he glances over her features as she clearly tries to drown him out by not taking her eyes off of her paper. he doesn't want to go back to silence though. "did tiana ever join yearbook club?" he asks, remembering how she would always say she wanted to join but didn't know anyone else in the club.

clementine sighs, not looking up at him and keeping her eyes on what she's drawn so far. "yes," she answers shortly.

"that's good," he responds, letting out a quick breath and toying with the hem of his jeans some more. "how much has socks-"

"chris," she cuts him off abruptly, her head snapping up at him. he instantly clamps his mouth shut at the look she gives him. "i'm not doing this."

he looks away, defeated. "okay."

clementine glances over the way his face falls, looking back to her paper and sighing. "if you don't want to sit in silence, you can put something on the tv," she suggests quietly. "i'm the one that has to actually do the work here."

chris glances over to her and decides to do exactly that. he reaches for the remote on the front of the bed and turns on the tv, searching for something to watch. he eventually decides on 'the good place,' a show clementine introduced him to when they were together. he may really wish clementine would talk to him, but at least the sound of the tv does the same job of distracting from the tension in the air around them.

he notices in the corner of his eye that clementine peaks her head around to glance at the tv. her eyes linger on it for a couple moments before she turns around and goes back to her drawing.

a while passes by of silence between them, the only noise being the tv and clementines pencil moving against her paper. chris must absentmindedly run a hand through his hair and ruin it's previous place because clementine audibly sighs. he looks over to her with a raise of his eyebrows.

"you can't move your hair when i'm literally in the middle of drawing it," she tells him, making a frown take over his lips.

"oh. sorry," he apologizes. he brings his hand up to his hair, trying to move it back to the way it was before. clementine watches as he does so, ultimately shaking her head.

"stop," she sighs. "you're making it worse," she says, looking down at her paper for a second before looking back up to him. she completely catches him off guard when she leans forward in her seat to where he sits on the end of the bed. his eyes widen slightly as she reaches her hand out and begins to adjust his hair. it's like the world goes quiet and all he can focus on is the feeling over her hand in contact with him as she moves his hair.

he had forgotten how good it would feel when she would mess with his hair. she used to play with it all the time and it was one of his favorite things in the world. he sucks in a breath and realizes how close her face is to his. she's not looking at his face, she's looking at his hair as she tries to move it back to the perfect place. chris is looking at her face though.

her features are soft and there's a small scrunch to her eyebrows as she concentrates on trying to get it back to the way it was before. he can hear her breathing and he gets to see her eyes up close for the first time in a long time. his heart is beating out of his chest.

her touch is something he forgot what felt like. it's a light touch she has on him right now, hardly even on him, but it's there. he never wanted the feeling to be forgotten but with winters passing, came the passing of his memory for that type of thing. having it now takes him back to december. it helps him realize how much he craves the feeling, how much he used to love it—how much he still does. it makes him want to reach out and pull her into his arms like he easily would've been able to do last year. he wants to experience her lips against his again and the spark it created in his chest. he wants to cup her cheeks and feel the warmth on her face once more. he wants to remember all the things he foolishly allowed himself to forget.

but alas, he doesn't have that ability anymore. he lost it when he threw every thing they had away, when he tossed the life they built aside like it meant nothing. he lost every thing he had forgotten how much he needed in his life. he lost her—and it was all because of the doubts he allowed to creep into his head and seep through all of the uncertain cracks in his mind.

the movement of her hand halts and once she drops it from his hair, his heart aches from the loss of contact. she glances down to his face and he watches the panic take over her face, as if suddenly noticing how close they are. she instantly wants to run away from it, trying to quickly back away—but for some reason, before he realizes what he's doing, chris reaches for the hand she dropped. he successfully grabs it and she freezes.

"clementine," he breathes, her name slipping out of his lips in a soft, quiet voice he almost doesn't recognize. her eyes hold something indecipherable and chris wants to peel back her layers, to find the girl she used to be deep in there where he knows she still remains. he doesn't know what he's doing, it's like he's been put into a daze because of their close distance. "i—" he realizes he doesn't know what he's saying. he just needed to say something—anything. he didn't fully think this through, he just wanted to feel her touch a moment longer.

"what?" she murmurs, eyes beginning to go anywhere but him. they flicker to the pillows far behind him, the comforter below him, and the closest wall.

chris realizes she hasn't tore away from his hold on her hand yet and he realizes this could be his chance. he could say something that could change every thing. he could finally tell her the true, deep regret he's had to live with since realizing his mistake. he could convince her to give him another shot. he could do absolutely anything.

no words come out though. he has so much to say to her, but it's like his mouth won't let it leave his lips.

his lack of speaking snaps clementine back into reality. as if a switch goes off, she suddenly tears her hand out of his grip and backs up, returning to her place in her seat. chris gulps and watches as she avoids eye contact with him.

she stands up from her seat and he's lost his chance. the moments over and she finally looks at him, now stood in front of the couch she was sitting on. "can i go get a drink?" she asks, making a deep frown take over chris' lips.

she used to do anything she pleased at his house, seemingly finding it to be her own second home. chris felt the same about her place. now, she feels like she has to ask him to go get a drink. "you don't have to ask," he says, feeling even more defeated somehow.

she looks away from him, not bothering with a response as she turns on her heels and exits his room.

( ☾ )

clementine leaves behind chris and whatever... that was as she makes her getaway to the kitchen. she completely stops in her tracks once she enters though, getting unreasonably thrown off at the sight of matt sitting on a barstool in his kitchen. he's sat watching tiktok on his phone with cereal in front of him, not paying enough attention to his surroundings to realize she's come in.

she stands there for a moment, looking like a fool, before deciding to just go ahead and grab a drink from the fridge. she walks over to it and the sound of the fridge opening must make matt finally notice her, because she begins to feel eyes on her back.

she finds herself subconsciously searching the shelves for a sprite. there's pepsi, root beer, doctor pepper, but—

"we don't have sprite," matt's voice makes her realize what she's doing and freeze. "we stopped getting it after you and chris broke up."

"oh," she murmurs. she doesn't know why she assumed they would still have the drink stocked up when she knows they only started getting it for her in the first place. perhaps it's just the back of her mind that keeps screaming at her, telling her every thing is the same as it was when she was here last time, meaning nothing has really changed. everything has changed though. everything.

she takes in a breath to herself and grabs a water bottle instead of a usual sprite. she closes the door once she has it and turns, ignoring the way matt is still looking at her like she's some sort of foreign, out of place creature.

she awkwardly avoids eye contact with him, deciding to just leave the room and dreadfully make her way back to chris' room. matts voice though, stops her when he calls her name. "clementine."

she pauses from where she had begun walking out of the room, turning on her heels and subconsciously clutching onto the water bottle in her hand. she hastily trails her eyes over to where he sits.

he falls silent though. his lips twist to the side like he didn't think saying her name all the way through and she uncomfortably shifts on her feet. he looks away from her and to the counter, a small sigh leaving her lips as she watches him.

when it becomes clear he called her name with no real purpose, she begins to turn away. she stops and turns back around when she realizes she has something say. matt looks back over to her and she rubs at the back of her neck, not returning the eye contact and looking everywhere else. "i'm uh.. i'm sorry."

his eyes display an evident surprise from her words. "what?" he questions.

clementine presses her lips together for a moment, gaining the courage to look back at him and letting out a breath as she does so. "i'm sorry i stopped talking to you just because you're chris' brother," she says genuinely, feeling a figurative weight leave her shoulders.

"oh," he blinks in surprise, looking down and moving around the rest of his cereal with his spoon. "it's fine."

she wants to disagree because it's clearly not fine, but her attention goes elsewhere at the sound of a door opening and little footsteps instantly being heard across the floor. she turns to notice nick coming out of his room, their dog trevor following him.

just as nick raises his eyebrows at the sight of matt and clementine in the kitchen together, trevor immediately comes up to her. he's as excited as ever and clementines heart sinks when he jumps up on her legs, his tail wagging rapidly.

matt notices her expression and the way she hasn't bent down to actually pet the dog that he knows used to be her favorite dog ever. he sighs, "you're still allowed to pet trev, clementine."

clementine really doesn't want to show any stupid relief from his words, but from the way a half-smile breaks out on her face and she instantly bends down to pet the dog, it's easy to spot. nick and matt share a look before both looking over at the girl and their excited dog who's acting like it's been years.

"hi," clementine whispers to trevor, whom she had practically claimed as her dog from all the times she'd come over to 'hang out with him' to hide her actual reasoning for her frequent visits to their home before her and chris got together. he's so excited to see her and she can't lie, she's just as excited to see her old buddy. she picks him up and stands up with him, bringing him to her chest as she pets him with a content smile on her face.

matt and nick watch her and she feels like she's being studied like a foreign artifact. they both didn't really ever think they'd see her so affectionate with their dog again. they almost thought she'd push away the happy pet just like she did to them because of their links to chris.

a ghost of a smile forms on nicks face, finding the sight in front of him one that he's missed seeing. matt looks away and finishes the last spoon of his cereal when chris suddenly begins to come around the corner, probably wondering what was taking so long.

he enters the room and his eyes instantly focus in on clementine's smile and his dog in her hands. her face falters slightly, and she genuinely feels like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't, which is just crazy.

a slight upturn grows at the corner of his lips and she really feels like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't. he's looking at her fondly because of the way she still gets happy to see his dog and she doesn't like that her actions make him fond.

nick let's out a loud sigh and luckily, attention goes to him as clementine bends down to free trevor from her arms. "well..." he speaks, glancing at chris, clementine, and then matt. "this isn't really a sight i thought i'd ever see again but okay," he says carelessly, obviously referring to the fact that all four of them are in the kitchen at once.

chris instantly presses his lips together, matt gives him a blank look, and clementine wants to fall off the face of the earth.

"okay, fuck you guys," he instantly grows offended at their expressions, walking around the island counter and to the fridge as everyone else stays silent. "all i wanted was pizza rolls, not to walk into this weirdness."

pizza rolls... clementine thinks. she awkwardly scratches the back of her neck.

her eyes accidentally flicker over to chris just as his flicker over to her. she already feels six feet under at that moment. she instantly looks away, feeling burned. see, he's not supposed to know that she also thinks about their past when things correlated with their memories are mentioned.

matt, who had noticed their eye contact, gets up from his seat with a sigh. "are you guys almost done with your project or whatever?" he asks since he's the one who has to take clementine home.

"n-"

"yes," clementine answers before chris fully can.

he looks over to her pointedly and she shrugs. "i've practically got the sketch done," she tells him, beginning to walk past him to exit the kitchen and go back to his room to grab her stuff. "i can paint without you there."

chris clicks his tongue, turning to watch her as she walks around the corner and then turning back around to find nicks exaggerated expression. "yikes!" he exclaims.

💌

chris and clems first small moment post breakup okaaaaaaaay 😍😍😍

next chap or the one after that is THE flashback so 🥺🥺🥺 fun

also i found out today that one of my irls likes one of my other irls even tho she has a bf like 😬😬😬 is this who we are. is this who we stand for.

oh and every thing i write in this fic is for the breva economy in mattematics 😘😘😘 i do it for their torture i fear

<3
jaden