THE ENVELOPE WAS SO SMALL.

That made Lorraine nervous, more nervous than she thought it would have made her. Good news would probably take up a lot of paper, it wouldn't be such a small envelope.

She'd been sitting in her car for an hour, it was almost dark now. She was still in her driveway, too nervous to actually go anywhere.

The envelope was still sitting in her lap, and she had just been... staring at it. If she opened it and it was bad news then her whole life was for nothing.

Yale was her only option. She'd applied to other schools at the suggestion of her guidance counselor, but they weren't options. Yale had been her dream school since she could ever actually remember thinking about college.

She had to remind herself that this was just early admissions. Even if they rejected her now, she could still get in later.

She tossed the envelope into the passenger seat of her car and finally pulled out of the driveway. Mari was still asleep; Lorraine had called her best friend as soon as she'd gotten the mail and Mari had effectively told her to piss off.

She didn't know where to go, she couldn't stay at her house, her dad was home and she'd had to climb out the kitchen window to avoid running into him in the living room.

So, Lorraine drove to the only place she could think of. The morning service at the Holy Church of Wiskayok was just ending by the time she arrived, but she stayed in the parking lot.

She'd never been in the church before, but she had spent quite a lot of time in the parking lot. She watched families, toddlers wearing overalls and hair ribbons, old couples helping each other down the steps, and then a familiar blonde girl.

Lorraine hadn't intended to actually get out of her car when she'd shown up. She'd told herself that she would, but she knew she probably wouldn't. But seeing Laura Lee emerge down the stairs, Lorraine was out out of the car and across the parking lot.

"Lorraine!" Laura Lee smiled gently at her. "What are you doing here?" Lorraine didn't really know what she was doing there. "I've never seen you at congregation before."

"No, I, uh, I've never joined before I... I still don't know what I'm doing about all this stuff. I wasn't raised going to church, you know."

Laura Lee nodded knowingly. "Well, there's a mid-day service that I'll be attending if you'd like to join me?"

Apparently the panic was visible on Lorraine's face because Laura Lee shook her head. "It's okay, it's okay. Are you doing alright? You seem a little... hectic."

Lorraine looked down at her ratty converse, way too underdressed to be standing beside Laura Lee in front of this pretty building.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry. I just... I just came here because I guess this is where people go when they need advice."

"You need some advice?" Laura Lee asked. "Do you want me to get Pastor Ian?"

Lorraine shook her head. "No, no, I'm sure he's got a lot going on."

Laura Lee considered for a moment. "Come with me."

Laura Lee took her across the street to the park, sitting her down on a low stone wall. "What's wrong? Are your parents hesitant to let you convert?"

"No, no." She said. "I'm not... converting or, not converting. I don't know, I'm sorry. It's more like, how do you know? Sorry, shit- I mean, sorry. Hang on."

Laura Lee waited patiently for Lorraine to gather her thoughts. "You have so much faith, and I guess I have no idea what's gonna happen, like, ever. And I guess I was just wondering how you're able to be so optimistic?"

Laura Lee nodded. "Well, I guess it's because I know that God always has a plan for me, and that he loves me, like all creatures. My dad talks a lot about heaven, and yeah, it's something I believe in, and it's something that I want, I'm not just good because I want to get into heaven. I'm good because I think God would want me to be good. He never gives us anything more than we can handle, he wants us to grow into the best possible people we can be."

That made sense, she supposed. But Lorraine also couldn't figure out what had given God the impression she could handle whatever it was that was going on in her head. She thought back to the envelope in the passenger seat of her car.

"Is there anything in that thing about what would have happened if Jesus applied for college but didn't get in?" She said, pointing to the bible sitting on Laura Lee's lap with the toe of her doc marten.

Laura Lee placed her hands on the bible and swallowed, nodding her head. "Not from in here, but there's this other book that I feel like will help you more. Because, be honest, if I had quoted scripture would that have actually made you feel better?" Lorraine didn't say anything, and Laura Lee took that as an answer. "It's this book called The Purpose Driven Life, and there's one part where the author talks about how God wants you to be just like Jesus, so he puts you through a lot of the same things that Jesus went through, which includes rejection. I believe in you, Lorraine, and even if you don't get in, just know there's plenty of other opportunities for you."

Lorraine actually did feel really comforted by that, even though she hadn't really expected to. She felt a little bit better about the idea of actually opening the letter. Laura Lee considered her.

"You drove here, right?" Laura Lee stood up, clutching her bible. "Come on, you're gonna drive me home." Lorraine watched her take a few steps away and then turned back. "Come on."

Lorraine blinked and then followed Laura Lee back to the church parking lot and got into the car. Laura Lee was holding her envelope. "Yale? You wanna open it?"

Lorraine shoved it in the glove compartment. "I'll do it later. Where am I driving you?"

Laura Lee directed Lorraine to her place and then invited her upstairs. "Here," she pulled it off her bookshelf.

"The Purpose Driven Life," Lorraine turned it over in her hands.

Laura Lee sat down on her bed. "My mom bought it for me a few years ago, and it helped me," she said. "I have a hard cover, you can take that one, if you like."

"Thank you, Laura Lee," Lorraine said genuinely. "Also, just for like, talking to me about this stuff. I mean, I never really had anyone to teach me about God as a kid, and I'm gonna be really honest with you, I'm not sure if I 100% buy into it yet, but you have really helped me out today."

"You're welcome," Laura Lee smiled softly at her. "You can always ask and, even if you don't believe, I'm always happy to teach."

"Do you..." Lorraine paused. "Why? Why do you believe in God?"

Laura Lee didn't even hestitate. "I didn't choose to. My parents are Christian, of course, so is my sister, and my grandparents, and our dog probably, I'll have to ask him." Lorraine cracked a smile. "I was baptised by Pastor Ian inside that exact church. I went to Sunday School every week, and, as a kid I hated it."

That honestly really surprised Lorraine. For as long as she could remember, Laura Lee had always been known as that girl. The good girl, devout Christian. She even went to bible camp most summers, including the previous one.

"I kept thinking that if God loved me so much, why was he making me go to school on the weekends when all my friends didn't. But, when I got old enough to attend the congregation with my parents, I realised that I wasn't being made to go. I mean, my parents were definitely making me. But God wasn't, I was going because I loved him. When I was thirteen, I was at bible camp and I hit my head on the pool floor, I split my skull open and had to get stitches put in. I got pulled out by a life guard and all I could see when I woke up was his cross necklace, right in my face. God saved me. He loves me too, and he loves you, even if you're not quite able to love him back yet."

As Lorraine drove home with Laura Lee's book sitting on her passenger seat, she considered what Laura Lee had told her. She didn't know how she felt about everything, but she did feel slightly better about whatever was in the letter.

Frank was far from a man of God, probably as far as possible as a person could get to being a man of God. Lorraine knew the day her father died God would cower in fear, awaiting the verdict of whether or not Frank was sent to hell or sent to worse hell, because there was no way on Earth that he was getting into heaven.

Her mom however, was a saint. In the single photo Lorraine had of her, Jean was wearing a cross necklace and holding a copy of the Bible. Her dad had even told her some things as he wandered home in the middle of the night. His goal was obviously to get Lorraine to hate her mother as much as he did, talks of how he would wake up on Sunday morning, hungover as all hell, and she had abandoned him.

She was four the first time he'd told her.

She flipped down the driver's side visor to see the photo of her and Mari she'd wedged there. They were six years old, arms wrapped around each other.

As she pulled into Mari's driveway, Mari was leaning against the tree, talking to her brother who was lying on the grass, comic book in hand. "What took you so long?"

Lorraine just shook her head, soft smile on her face at the scene. Mari didn't push it.

────────── ⋆˚✿˖° author's note

i wanna preface by saying i am not christian, but i was raised catholic. the way religion is represented throughout this book (especially once they crash) is not at all accurate to real life. it is a darker concept and i want to say right now as a blanket statement that i am aware of this and it is an intentional choice

obviously in canon there are some very dark religious themes and i have chosen to expand on those through lorraine, i spent most of my life in a catholic school so i feel as though i am a little bit qualified to talk about religion and it's impact in a less than positive light but i am not intending to be disrespectful, even though i have some less than positive experiences with it i completely respect whatever religion people practice as long as they're not using it to defend horrible actions (racism, homophobia, sexism etc etc etc)

please remember to look at the tws i don't want anyone to be blindsided but this book gets fucking dark dude anyway,,,, i hope u enjoyed <333 laura lee my beloved!! also if ur wondering why lorraine is listed as the angel even though she's a bit of a bitch don't worry it was also intentional lmao i love u all