trigger warning - panic attack
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W I T H O U T A N O T H E R
T H O U G H T Aaina began to move, her feet carrying her towards where her heart led. She felt her world shatter around her. Minutes passed, or maybe hours. Time seemed to have lost all meaning as she blindly walked barefoot over rocks and mud, taking the only familiar road her subconscious knew. There are very few moments in one's life where they feel their entire existence, the unreasonable reasons of being, and life's injustices tear down someone so much that they lose themselves to insanity. Aaina felt herself trapped in its tornado with no way out. She wanted to scream and cry and set fire to the world and herself, but the inability to that made her feel even more disdain for herself.

By the time she reached Chakradhan Hill, her face was as numb as a ghost. The gates were open as usual, but she stared off into space and kept walking. Her feet yearned to go into those rooms again where she'd been all these months, day and night, alone and lonely. They were always empty and colourless with her ransacking the cupboards and boxes all day, chasing invisible figments just to satisfy her deranged mind, she thought. She cursed herself to a degree that made her feel worthless.

The doors to the room were wide open, and Amar stood inside, fidgeting with the mess on the floor. He turned around as he heard the chime of her payal enter.

"I found the keys you were looking for"

Her attention snapped back. There he was, crouched over, fidgeting with the boxes. Those chests and bundles of papers were her prized possessions, the fruits of her laborious searches, and no one ever dared or even cared to enter that room anytime before. She felt a surge of protectiveness overcoming her.

Aaina cleared her throat. "Oh"

"I opened the boxes, have a look if you want to"

"How dare you touch these boxes?"

His eyebrows raised at the change in her tone.

No one could stop Amar from retaliating. It was his property to begin with. He was about to retort, but she sprinted towards the boxes, mustering all her strength to push him away with a force that startled him to his core.

He had never seen her like that.

Amar's fury subsided when he saw her state. Something was terribly wrong. Her hands ravaged through the chests as if she'd die if she didn't touch it. Her face was paled, and her hair wasn't in its usual do.

Aaina's eyes narrowed as she fished out a parchment and clutched it in her palm, her eyes scanning it.

She grazed the ink lightly with her fingers, shocked at what she was reading.

Hari Purohit.

Something wrested at her chest and in a tick, with no further thoughts, the tears started to fall again. Aaina could not believe she held a fragment of history in her hand. Her family's legacy, her parents,

Aaina sank to the ground, her body racked with sobs. "This is-s, that's m-my papa's writing"

The incessant beating of her heart somewhere made her feel the presence of her parents. The faintest sliver of the past, a whiff of home even for a fraction of a moment, she felt her parents. The parchment clutched in her palm became the most precious thing she ever held. For Aaina, neither the gems, the jewels in her drawers, her gold laced ghagras, nor her entire existence measured up to the value of what she now held in her hand.

"Do you see this, Amar! I was right! I found them! Hari Purohit was m-my father, you see the name too, right?"

Amar stood afroze, not knowing what to say to her. All he saw was a child weeping out of longing. Her tearful face, unruly hair, and the soul-stirring look of yearn in her eyes had him glued to his spot.

She fisted the fabric of his arm sleeve in her palms. "Amar, say something. You see this too, right? Or am I just hallucinating after sitting here day and night struggling to find something of my parents? Tell me this is really what I see it is. Please"

He saw her eyes brimming with tears deeper than he expected. And what did he expect anyway? A silly, stubborn girl wandering about, hiding her business from the world. For him, it could've been anything but this. The deal, the chests, the parchments, the name. She came to find her ancestry, her parents. All made sense now-why she came to the hill the very first day they met and her desperate attempts to get into the makaan on any grounds.

She was a victim of all his misunderstandings. For him, she was not supposed to be this vulnerable. Anyone who visited Chakradhan Hill, Amar viewed them through the same lens. They all had the same intentions.

But she proved all his notions false.

Aaina gazed at him, waiting. His silence made her impatient. She was too overwhelmed to believe herself and wanted to hear it from him.

"Yes"

The moment he said it, her breathing changed. She tore herself away, clasping her chest for air.

"Aaina?" His voice was louder than he intended, and he immediately held her shoulders.

Her face contorted in pain as she fought for air. Amar's eyes widened as he recalled the way she gasped for air during the storm and before anything else, he dashed across the corners of the room, flung open the jharokhas and pushed away all the things hogging the bed in a nimble move.

"Shaant, shaant ho jaao. Aaina-" She was hyperventilating, trying to push his hands away from her.

He took the sign and sat down instead, careful not to crowd her more. He knew she needed to clear out her heart, but if only she knew what that was doing to him.

The inability to end her pain made his hands tremble in fury.

And the only way to cease it was to go through it. So he let her be.

The moment he let go of her, she grabbed his arm back and flung herself over his chest. Amar embraced her form tightly as if it were instinct. Everything else faded into insignificance. He felt the pain resonating from her. Aaina felt herself breaking as she buried her face in Amar's chest, breathing in the familiar scent that had haunted her every time she returned back to Hira Ghar.

"Amar-r. . ."

"Yes, I'm here"

"Sh-Shashi is missing. . . and Kaki-"

"What about her?"

She made a conscious effort to push Ranmal's words out of her mind. The horrific remembrance would have to be dealt with afterward. With her thoughts already in turmoil, dwelling on his words would only add to the chaos she was trying to avoid.

She breathed deeply. "I just can't handle it anymore"

"Stop speaking"

"But-"

"I said stop speaking" He said firmly.

She did, and they stayed quietly in each other's arms. Silence engulfed them, and the only thing she could sense was the feel of his firm chest against her cheek and his ring-clad fingers clutching her back. Aaina could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, a reassuring presence against the tumult of all that was going around her. She never thought someone's presence alone could pacify her. After what felt like ages, Aaina felt her breathing relax, her mind starting to haze out.

"Now you can speak"

Her eyes opened numbly, and she mustered up words.

"I-I don't know what to do"

"Just breathe for a second and be happy about today, then?"

"I am" Her heart filled with pride and longing as she could finally have something to associate her parents with. 'mere papa'. She felt most accomplished in that moment that she really did find him.

She continued. "Yet all that I've lost will always have more hold over my life than what I'm getting. It's still just a paper, not my papa. I will never see him"

"You're trying hard to save the smallest fragment of them that you can find. That's more than what I've seen people do for those they love"

"But it won't bring them back"

"You're right. It won't"

She pulled back briefly to look at him.

"I understand your situation. But you have to accept that they're not here anymore. It hurts, but your mind will learn" His eyes pierced hers.

"I've known that truth all my life, but why does it suddenly hurt now?"

"It's natural to feel that. You've never felt their presence until today. You don't have their memories, I assume, so you came here looking for them. "

She nodded softly.

"I'm sure they'll be happy to know that their daughter will always remember them"

Aaina looked up at him in awe. The intimacy of being deeply understood was something no one could fathom. And it didn't take him long to figure out her deepest feelings and answer doubts about herself to her. He understood her more than she ever did.

Her body felt like it was growing lighter and lighter as she grew aware of his arms around her. It was the most beautiful feeling she ever felt. It was tender but strong, soft but fiery, and above all, she saw the sliver of care in him.

"I don't want their memories to rust in these locked chests. But you got me the key to it all"

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i love this chapter sm

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