❦

    I T  W A S N 'T  T O O  farther a distance amid the whiffs of haldi and kesar from the lounge hallway that swept over ebony staircases, barrelled with the burnt ember scars of the antiquated fireplace that ran dormant for over a year now. The orchards, though, gleamed in prime. The Mastiffs missed their attendants, and the kerosene half-filled back into the lanterns. The sun had started to descend and so had the charm of the place.

    Hollow, forlorn, and maddening.

    It was supposed to be a peaceful twilight, relished in the mellow, cool air of winter, with elaichi chai and a moment of sweet colloquy. Although it was shaping up to be exactly that until the dirty cerulean walls resonated with yet another tussle at Hira Ghar. It was too big for only two people residing. Too many wishes of being left alone and too daunting for any passerby until they read the name of the maalkin on the sorel gates.

    "I don't want to hear that question again, Aaina," Kaki declared as she stretched her aching back while her legs rested on the olive ottoman afore her.

    "But what is so wrong with it, kaki?"

    She rolled her eyes. "Not again with the same tantrums. Be gone, I need to rest. "

    "And I need to know. Why do you pretend like there was nothing?" Aaina asserted in sheer agony.

    "Waah. Do you see this, Razia? She thinks her kaki has started to pretend now, " the woman spoke, white arrogance lining her tone. Razia, who stood beside them, a quiet witness to the brawl. She could not side either party no matter how much she wanted to. To succor to her employer or soothe her saheli.

    "If you are so sure something unusual did exist, then run up your memory. Don't come after me, your kaki, the one who raised you since you couldn't even walk. "

    She huffed. "You won't even tell me about my bro —"

    "Bahut hogaya. You need to stop being by yourself so much. Only bhagwaan knows what stories you cook up in your mind by sitting idle all day. No wonder our vyapaar has taken a toll. You don't deserve this kind of a job, Aaina. I have to do it all myself. "

    And now she was deviating. Aaina knew her well to be prepared for an array of scolding like so. It was not the first time she said that in a fit of anger. Nevertheless, she did not simply care, she thought.

    "Why do you always have to find fault in me for asking questions you don't have the answers to? And if you do, why can't you just relieve the burden off your head?"

    "Then stop asking them! Ugh, it's your age to question everything. In a few years, these things won't matter"

    Aaina huffed. "You're saying our memories, this house, my childhood, won't matter?"

    Kaki looked at her in the eyes, her thick kajal peering at her niece like a python in the dark night.

    "Yes. In the end, you only remember the bad things that. And I don't want that to be the nightmares for my deathbed at least"

    It had Aaina frozen for a second. She had not expected such bitter words out of her kaki's mouth after everything. She may have scolded, she may hinder, but she never spoke something so pinching to the core.

    As kaki averted her face back towards the table fan in tactful carelessness, Aaina stared at the fairly empty ceiling, paled by the lack of sun and shadowed by the noon glooms, in an attempt to find one reason that would gainsay her presence there. Hot tears welled up. And why not. She was to leave Hira Ghar in less than a month, knowing she'd not have a choice in the matter. Yet that was not that big of a concern. What bothered her was the doubts in her mind, the blurred memories that hung from a thread, the curious, hopeful soul demanding a little satiation. Only the truth, nothing more.

    Razia shot a concerned look to her saheli, who now was storming out of the sorel gates. The incessant sweep of her suedes scoured the moist grass, breaking a million promises that had to be furled on an invisible ground. The days of slipping into rose-colored glasses for comfort had gone. Although this time, for what had wrecked her mind, despair would be a better word.

    Nothing made sense. It's only so often that one can endure those blows time and again. The thought ran her blood cold. That perhaps every speck of her existence was a lie. That there was no one she could confide in. Not even kaki. Or maybe that was just the rage speaking. She can not dismiss her kaki so easily, can she? These temper huffs seemed ungrateful to her, and she wasn't shy to express it either. Yes, she brought her up and provided an affluent life to an abandoned niece. But she also played a part in curating the mess in her head since she was barely ten. And now, when she does fathom the shades of life, she is dragged down to feel otherwise.

    Durgam, the head servant and kaki's closest confidante, jogged outside the verandah, scrutinizing the scene. He was not unfamiliar with it but had to keep his eyes and ears open like a hawk.

    "Listen to me, Aaina! At least tell me where you're going. " Razia ran behind, calling out to her.

    She had gone beyond. The wind had blown away the diyas. And it was time to reverse the wheel.

    "Just leave me alone,"

    Those were the words as Aaina's feet stomped along the chilly, rocky path. It was more like the air carried her in a pace she could not measure. The cold air pierced her nostrils, and her cheeks went numb, a flare of light rouge emanating from them and spread to the top of her supple nose. Her palms hid under the cinnamon shawl in a tight fist. Durgam and Razia's pleas faded in the twilight dampness as she sauntered beyond sight. They did indeed care for her but could not hold her down for long.

Enough, enough!

    She wanted to shout, but even that privilege seemed confining. She hated how it made her feel. Surely, it wasn't the first time she'd storm out on the same path, in the heat of the same turmoil, questioning what was wrong with her. But now, she intended to make it her last.

    She halted in her step, took a harsh breath, and turned her direction up north. There was no time to waste.

    Aaina's feet wandered far and long as her mind fought a battle of its own. The trees that she passed along bore the smell of lime blossoms that failed to pull her out of her thoughts. Even the melodious song of the warbles felt like a thousand daggers stabbing inside the ears. Kaki thought she was being a brat. Well, then so be it. Was it wrong to be bothered by something? Was she not the judge of her own feelings? Kaki or anybody else simply knew a fringe and to decide her feelings for hersf, as if she were a lifeless murti who stood amid the storm of oblivion.

    In a span of fifteen minutes, of an aggressive hike, the mitti turned a shade lighter, the air, damper and heavier mixing with it. The sky seemed clearer and wider than it did back down. Her panting self took shade under a colossal peepal tree. As her back rested against the cold, thick trunk, she let her eyes wander to the structure that stood a few feet away from where she sat. It was not a new sight, yet it was the first time she actually noticed it.

    It made her realise she did reach Chakradhan Hill, after all. The only place she imagined - no, certain that would give her exactly what she wanted.

❦

_______

g l o s s a r y

_______

haldi - turmeric

kesar - saffron

elaichi - cardamom

maalkin - mistress of the house

kaki - Aunt

Bahut hogaya! - that's enough!

bhagwaan - God

ghar - house

murti - idol

mitti - soil / sand

______