[ c h a n s,  j e o n g i n s  a n d  f e l i x s  a p a r t m e n t ]
[ 23rd  F e b r u a r y ]

Night time.

Chans least favourite time.

There had been a time he absolutely loved staying up late. Night time then had been his comfort and work space. It had been something so calm and beautiful.

But that had changed. He still used it to work, but more to distract himself from possible thoughts he didn't want to have. Unfortunately, as soon as he laid down, they would come. It didn't matter how long he'd been staying up. He tried everything. Going to bed early. Going to bed extremely late. Not going to sleep at all. They were always waiting for him. It scared him.

Tonight he had been trying to keep himself busy with producing music. But, even though he usually was really creative, when it came to that, he couldn't come up with something. When he did, it always turned out to be some kind of trash. It stressed him out. He didn't want to go to sleep. He wanted to do something. What if Jisung and Changbin would be disappointed?

He eventually decided to stop. It was 4am and even if he'd come up with something, it wouldn't make sense to finish it. He did need some sleep.

So he laid down.

Silence.

Maybe he was lucky tonight?

I don't want to admit it

No, no he was not.

It's hard to understand

It indeed was hard.

He hadn't been this lonely in 3 years. Yi had always been there. It was hard to understand that she now wasn't.

Since day 1 in their relationship they always had some kind of skinship. At first it just was holding hands, then short hugs and eventually longer, more intimate ones. It was their way of showing appreciation to each other.

An usual evening with the two was, Yi coming home after a long day of work. She worked in the kitchen of a restaurant and always brought home some leftovers. She would shower, while Chan cleaned up the small mess she left behind (they always were a really clumsy person and Chan loved that so much about her). They then would warm up the food and eat it, Chan of course would praise the food. Yi was one of the best cooks he knew. Usually they ended up on the couch cuddling and talking about their day and/or watching a movie. Yi was usually the first one to fall asleep and Chan took the time to admire them and their features. She really was the prettiest to him.

Chan missed it so much.

Yes, he, Felix and Jeongin did the same thing from time to time, but it wasn't the same and he usually would end up restless or uncomfortable and ruin the movie for everyone. At some point he started to deny their offers to watch a movie. He felt like they would enjoy it more without him.

But Yis and his relationship wasn't all peaceful. As every couple they fought.

Chan felt horrible for it now, since he was going through the same thing, but he often got the feeling that Yi didn't trust him.

Yi had trusting issues. She wouldn't talk much about their feelings and Chan often saw it as a way of betraying him. He wanted a relationship in which both of them could be 100 % honest. Yi on the other hand couldn't full fill that wish and Chan tended to forget that.

How could I forget

He still blamed himself for every fight they had.

He was supposed to trust her either way, not completely ignore and/or forget their feelings. It was under all standards and absolutely not acceptable.

But they still fought. As their relationship went on, the fights got a lot more. Chan overanalysed something here, Yi felt like he didn't understand her. It was a never ending cycle.

Well... until it did.

The day you lied to me

Chan did think that was a bit overdramatised, but It sometimes felt like that to him.

They said they would be there for him, but he never heard from her again.

He wasn't even sure, where she lived. Was she still in Seoul or did they move to London to their parents?

Yi was half Britain, which was another thing that glued them together. They'd often talk English with each other and sometimes they pretended to be tourists, who couldn't speak Korean to challenge some innocent waitresses. It was fun.

A tear rolled down his cheek. He got lost in his thoughts once again.

"How late is it?", he asked himself, turned around and took a glimpse of his phone.

Almost 5 am.

He really needed some sleep.