I had dreams on the trains. It wasn't just one. It was more so a bunch of little ones. All were about Giuseppe. Her being cold, pale blue, and one was her dead in the snow. I woke for a few seconds after each one scared out of my witts.

I finally arrived at about four in the evening. I was stressing like a single mother during Christmas season. I think half my head turned gray that day. It was snowing all wild. I didn't know where to even look.

"How are you, young man?" The milk man came up to me.

"Everything's Jack!" My voice was high. "I think my baby vamp is here, and I can't find her!"

He sighed and moved around to fix his pants. I heard the glass milk gugs moving with him. "You kids and your sayings. What did she look like?"

I was a total goof. I knew I made Giuseppe sound so strange. I was also making her sound very pretty, which makes no sense. I never did that before. I usually would make japs at Gus, calling him a fairy or something stupid like that.

I was surprised how quickly he raised his eyebrow and said, "Oh, I saw a person like that in the barn my nephew owns. Poor thing is probably frozen by now."

I became hysterical again. I begged him to take me to the barn right away. He almost didn't because of his work, but I think he felt so sorry for me that he put me on his bike and took me there. That little drive felt like a whole year.

His nephew came up to us as he parked his bike. "Uncle, you're back early!"

"Yes, this young man wanted to see the person in the corner of the barn, says it's his goof, I think."

"Ah."

I jumped off and rushed inside. There in the corner, pale blue and shaking, was Giuseppe. I don't remember screaming or dragging her into the house. What I do remember is the man stopping me from putting her in a hot bath because that would send her into shock. We put blankets on her, my coat, and I held her in front of the heater.

I truly thought that she wasn't going to wake up. I was too scared to take her to the hospital because I knew she had attempted. I saw the infected cuts on her wrists. They would've put her in crazy house. I couldn't lose her.

----

She didn't wake up until maybe seven. When she did, she promptly spilled her guts onto my clothes. She never told me what pills she took or what alcohol she drank, but it smelt like wine.

She was yapping nonsense. I found a spare bed so I put her in there. She looked like death was waiting at the door. She was breathing hard and whimpering. I stayed with her all night. I didn't get a wink of sleep. I stroked her hair. It was the first time I truly realized how beautiful she was. She had long lashes, chocolate eyes, springy hair, and those lips. God, those lips. Pink, fat, any fellow would die to kiss them. I'm no different.

She didn't wake up until six in the morning the next day. She never woke up early before. She was so much pain. She was groaning and crying.

"I'm all alone!" She repeated her words as she shook. "I'm all alone!"

"No! I'm here now!"

She looked at me and gasped. Her eyes were wide. She looked like she saw a ghost.

"Giuseppe, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!" I held her hands, trying my best to warm them up.

"So why did you say it? I wanted to die because of it!"

My heart dropped. "I know, and I'm sorry! I-I thought it was sin!"

Her face twisted in pain. "I deserve Hell then, don't I?!" She tried to get up but I held her down. "Get off of me! The devil will come any minute for me!"

"Giuseppe, you can't walk! You're still sick!"

"I don't care! I know you'll like it more with me dead, wouldn't you?!"

I was so caught off guard that I accidentally let go. Giuseppe scoffed, then tried to get up. She fell off the bed, wailing and crying about her legs hurting.

"Giuseppe, please, just listen to me." I bent down to pick her up. She didn't want me to, but she didn't fight me on it. "I made a mistake."

I put her back in bed. I tried to give her the blanket, but she pushed it back.

"Don't you realize how much that hurt? Your best friend in the world talking to you like that? Like you were nothing?" The bitterness in her voice faded and despair took its place. "I know I'm shit. Everyone tells me so. The one person I feel comfortable with hates me."

She started sobbing then. I went to hug her, but she pushed me off. "I don't hate you. I love you!"

She stopped crying for only a second, then covered her face again. "Quit the lying, man."

"I-I do! Giuseppe, please believe me!" I was leaking now. "I thought it was wrong! I thought if I just stored it all away, it would stop! Then you told me and-and I was just so upset! I-"

I was a mess. Giuseppe looked at me.

"I came all the way here because I knew you were going to do something like this!"

It was just the sound of us crying. Giuseppe was still freezing, so I tried again with the blanket. She let me do it this time.

"I know I'm a freak." She was looking down, still shivering. "I know that I deserve to be with the nuts."

"No. I accept you." I felt her staring at me. "I..I'm so sorry."

She was slow to speak, mainly because of how sick she was. "Patrick, come sit next to me."

I did just that. We were shoulder to shoulder, we're the same height. I could feel the bed shaking like she was.

"...I loved you for years. I understand that you hate me now. I don't blame you."

I looked over at her. She was picking at her nails. "I don't hate you. What I did that night was more out of fear, if anything. I saw you walking in the snow."

"I heard you, but I was catching the train." She looked defeated. "I didn't want you to find me..."

I felt a pit in my stomach. "Giuseppe, don't say that. You could've died. Death is permanent."

"I know!" She slapped her knees with her pale blue hands. "I'm tired of living, Patrick! I can't do it anymore!"

"Don't say that!" I hugged her. She let me do it.

"I can't keep living in the body like this! It's not mine. It feels like a stranger's that I can't get out of! I wonder if I cut deep enough, I can free myself!"

My voice became angry. "Stop!" She jumped. I felt the lowest of the low. "You can't do that to yourself! This is your body, but you could change it! You can wear dresses and makeup and wigs and all the things the flappers like!"

She was shaking so bad, the poor thing. "I'm still a freak! Nobody will love me like this! I don't even love me like this!"

"I do!"

She stopped and stared at me, her mouth open. I had my hand on my chest and breathed like I've been running.

"I love you, you sap! I love you as a boy and a girl, it doesn't matter to me!" I touched her shoulders. They felt so cold. "I just want you alive, that's all!"

She was a ragamuffin. Her hair was frozen, her skin was pale, and her lips were slightly white. "You love me..?"

I nodded, too choked up to speak. She was crying too with her head down. I just kissed her. I don't know what came over me. She kissed me back. I always thought that when people would yap about smooching being the best thing since breathing, it was just nonsense, but it was all true. If I had the chance to relive that moment for a million years, I'd do it without a thought. She stopped first. If it were up to me, it wouldn't have ended until we were both blue.

"I love you." I never heard her sound so gentle.

I had my hand on her face. "I love you too."

---

We stayed in that little barn for a week. She was so sick that I was afraid of her dying. She was either blue, feverish, or asleep. I've never seen her like that. It scared me silly.

"Patty, I don't want to go back home! Please don't make me go back!" She was crying into my arms the last night we were there.

"Don't you worry, you sap. I have a plan, but we do need to go back to New York."

She buried her head into me. I've never felt so warm. "I'm scared."

"Don't be. I won't let you get hurt." I kissed her hand. "Trust me, Gus."