Cast: Nicholas, EJ, Jo (a trio you should never entrust with animals), Fuma (vengeful turtle dad), and the rest of &TEAM, mostly judging.

Previously on 'The Goldfish Funeral':
Fuma's beloved fish mysteriously died under Nicholas and EJ's watch. They flushed it, replaced it, got caught, and somehow lived to see another day.

But now... Fuma has upgraded.

To a turtle.

A very passive-aggressive one.

*****

"You haven't even googled what turtles eat."
"Do they eat fish food??"

*****

ACT I: "You're Babysitting Sheldon."

"Yes, I named him Sheldon," Fuma said, placing the small turtle tank down on the dorm counter like he was handing over an ancient relic.

Jo squinted. "That turtle looks like it has beef with the world."

"He does," Fuma said. "Especially with people who flush his kind."

Nicholas swallowed. "We've changed."

"You haven't even googled what turtles eat."

EJ, panicking, whispered to Jo, "Do they eat fish food??"

"NO," Jo hissed.

Fuma turned to them. "I'll be gone two days. Two days. No death. No flushing. No sequins. He's not a drag turtle."

ACT II: Day One – Trouble Already

"Guys, he's not moving," Nicholas announced an hour in.

"He's a turtle," Harua called from the hallway. "He's literally built to move slow."

"He's staring at me weirdly," EJ added. "Like he knows about the fish."

"He does," Yuma said solemnly. "They all know."

Jo peeked in. "So uh... he's supposed to have a heat lamp, right?"

Nicholas froze. "What heat lamp?"

"You mean this one?" Taki held up a large bulb from inside the tank setup box, unplugged and unused.

"Oh my god—HE'S COLD," EJ screamed.

Nicholas wrapped the turtle in a hoodie. "IT'S OKAY, LITTLE GUY. I'LL BE YOUR SUN."

ACT III: Turtle Gone Rogue

That night, Jo woke up to chaos.

"HE ESCAPED!" Nicholas shouted, crawling on the floor in boxers.

"How?!?!" EJ was shaking an empty tank.

"He ninja-parkoured over the side! This turtle's on a mission!"

Taki came in holding snacks. "You guys lost a literal SLOW reptile?"

"HELP US FIND HIM!"

"Sure," Harua said, appearing with a flashlight like he was in an apocalypse movie. "Time to hunt the beast."

ACT IV: The Great Turtle Hunt

Nicholas army-crawled under the couch.

EJ checked the shoes.

K peeked inside the washing machine.

Yuma opened the fridge. "He's not here, but can we talk about why there's only energy drinks and kimchi in here?"

Then came a scream.

From Jo.

"...He's in my laundry basket."

Everyone rushed over.

There was Sheldon, sitting majestically on top of Jo's black hoodie like he'd claimed the dorm.

"Put him back," EJ whispered in awe. "Before he calls the spirit of the fish to haunt us."

ACT V: Fuma Comes Home

The tank was cleaned. The heat lamp on. Sheldon was perched on a decorative rock, looking smug and vengeful.

Fuma walked in.

He looked at the turtle.

Then at the trio.

"...Why is he wearing a Gucci headband?"

Nicholas grinned. "Fashion turtle."

"Why is there a tracking tag on his shell?"

Jo held up his phone. "We almost lost him. Twice."

Fuma nodded slowly.

Then said, "Next time, you're watching my lizard."

Nicholas and EJ screamed in sync: "NOOOOOOO—"

Epilogue:

Sheldon now follows Nicholas around the dorm.

EJ claims he sees the fish's ghost every time he passes the bathroom.

And Jo?

Jo's just trying to finish laundry without turtle judgment.