❝ [N.]
the never ending fear of falling in, or being
in love.❞

CHAPTER FOUR: FALLING IN LOVE WITH
A RED HEAD. .

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HE was always scared to fall in love. in fact, love was an emotion that has never occurred to him, nor did he want to build up the courage, experience and obtain it. in a way, however, prior to his behalf, there was a another reason why he held himself back and resorted to keeping his mind and thoughts to himself, all it had taken was the now forbidden slip to access a spiral of emotions and levels rising in both bodies of the lethal spectrum.

he knew for a fact that when one person fully confesses and admits their feelings to another person, many emotions begin to swirl inside their being. from a state of confusion, prior to sadness and regret, will soon come heartache-which is by far the worst to come other than feeling betrayed. not just by someone, but their own self and because now, all of these feelings are combined into one and they do not know how to express it. both physically, and emotionally.

it was then, as if the hands on the clock stopped ticking, time itself was stopped and frozen. simply as said, our love is a sensitive emotion, in which we can, [and/or] possibly hurt the other, or affect how those around see it as is

✰

location: hāto no kōhīshoppu [heart's coffee
shop]
time: 20:00pm.

"i love you."
the first boy spoke his voice shaking out in a soft canard. his twilight coloured bangs shrouding his face. a diminutive flush making iys way onto his adequate complexion, and felt the heat radiating off. he turned his head towards the right, bringing his right hand up and covered his lower face with the sleeve of his maroon sweater, palms esembling bear paws as the sleeve was quite a bit too long for him.

closing his eyes, he bit his lip and tried to calm down his heart; which was beating quickly due to the adrenaline running through his system. having an inner battle with his body and mind, he continued to curse himself, knowing he may have made this situation worst.

'why did i have to say that? at a moment like this? he must hate me now. i'm so stupid.' he guessed, feeling ashamed of himself and was frightened to open his eyes and glimpse at the older male he confessed to in front of him. it was presumed to be just two friends hanging out, but one friend was in a relationship with a girl of three years, while the other friend was hurt because he found himself falling in love with his best friend.

a boy.his senior. one who will be graduating in less than two months and will be off to university, while he would be entering his second year of high school. yet, the way he said it, as if it was just three, simple- yet secretive and meaningful words that made your heart flutter to an end. an eight letter sentence; spoken with only three syllables, had rolled off his tongue with ease, and had been filled with such a vibrant-yet composed meaning.

the poise and well defined actions he made, accompanied with the emotions, had given this statement a much better understanding. he felt his own heart beat a slow pace; the light, rhythmic flow of blood pumping gingerly though the veins in his body was making itself known. this is not adrenaline he was feeling, nor was it excitement, in fact, even if he was to take a moment and keep his emotions in tack, he still wouldn't be able to identify what he was feeling.

what if you were in this situation? what would you say, and how would you express the question. what emotion do you want to feel, and why? because it wasn't an easy question. however, as he continued to fiddle nervously with the sleeve of his freshly washed, cotton sweater, he shifted his gaze away from the window and stared down at the small cup of warm hot cocoa that was sitting in front of him. the deep contrast of the chocolate substance; coated with a fluffy, thin layer of whipped cream, along with little sprinkles of chocolate and cinnamon, suddenly becoming a lot more interested with the beverage rather than the situation he was in.

gently unlacing both his thumb and index finger away from the sleeve of his sweater, he fixed the lower part, feather some of the lace that was coming undone. slowly, as he hesitated to extend his left hand out, his fingers brushed against the warm cup; the steam from the hot chocolate coming out from it. his index, middle, and ring finger slipped through the handle of the cup, his pinky cupping the bottom of the handle, while his thumb rested on top.

tightening the grip, he brung out his right hand and gingerly cupped the other, curvy-yet flat side, giving it support. once having a hold, a soft sigh escaped his lips, gently, but slowly lifting the cup up and blew, making sure it's not too hot. now satisfied with how it tasted, he placed the tip of the cup against his lips, tilting it inward and took a sip. once ingesting the creamy, yet smooth liquid, he could feel the taste buds on his tongue tongue awaken at the lively flavour. his eyes slowly closed, a hum leaving his mouth, now feeling his body respond to the warm drink.

parting the cup away from his lips, he placed it down gently onto the christmas themed; snowman coaster. then slowly, he opened up his eyes, glancing to his right side and watched as the snow was falling; creating a thin layer of snow onto the ground. his eyes shifted as he saw many couples outside; some holding hands, while others were laughing, or simply hugging each other. with another sigh making it's way through his lips, he turned away, looking back down at his cup.

"hey, look at me,"
a smooth voice spoke, making the younger male's eyes dart and land on a young, maroon haired boy. his hair was neatly combed into a neat, low man-bun, exposing two individual, silver stud piercings he had on both his ears. his outfit was simple: plain white, v-neck shirt that is worn under his red and black, checkered plaid top, which was matched with a pair of black ripped, slightly-baggy jeans. the whole outfit complimented his porcelain complexion, while his dark maroon eyes watched him. his facial expression was calm, his eyes narrowing a bit, but had a different emotion in his eyes.

"i really am sorry, matsuoka-kun. i know right now isn't a good time, and seeing as you're in a relationship, but i, i just couldn't hold it in anymore." said male, [name], started off, both his eyes leaving this boy's and looking back down at his cup. he then began to notice how the whipped cream had mixed into the hot chocolate; giving it a lighter mixture than it was before. he could feel his heart begin to slowly pick up its pace, creating a subconscious rhythm as he spoke. this feeling felt awkward, and silence began to engulfe both boys. he knew from the other male's stare, he was not going to get a quick response.

however, this other young male, matsuoka rin, kept quiet. his mind processing what [name] had said earlier. in his state of mind, he could not wrap his head around why this young boy loved him. for he, his own self, was in a relationship and with a girl. his high school sweet heart. one who had planned on marrying. in fact, he did not know how he should feel about this, or know the right choice of wording to use to simplify everything that is to happen in a matter of seconds. sighing to his own self, he broke eye contact with him [name] and glanced out the window, his left arm rested on top of the table and had his head tilted leftward.

With his right hand, he used the spoon that was in his drink; a chamomile tea, mixed with some honey, and a pinch of lemon, continuing to stir it mindlessly. 'the hell am i suppose to say now? i can't just tell him 'oh, yeah. i kind of figured that out already. but right now, i have a girlfriend. well, had'. i still hope we could be friends.' he thought to himself. he didn't know which was good. neither direction to both scenarios made sense; but he did now, which ever one he chose, someones feelings was going to get hurt.

he also didn't want to say anything that could jeopardize both their brotherly-relationship. "matsuoka-kun, i know it may be too sudden for you to accept that, but, what i said about me being in love with you, is very was true. and besides; you really are a nice guy. " [name] continued to speak, shamelessly watching as how said male would occasionally shrug his shoulders and roll his eyes ever so often.

"is this why you called me all the way down here? to tell me that you love me? because if that's the only reason; you can forget it. you and -we will not happen. not now. not ever. so forget it. besides, you and are are both boys. as in two guys with dicks. plus, i already have a girlfriend. who i loved dearly. so no, i will not accept that you have a crush on me. it's weird."

he didn't mean that. in fact, he didn't intend on even saying much-but he did and it's too late to take it back. he couldn't control the emotions that were building inside him. looking at [name], he clenched his fingers tightly into the palm of his hand; creating a fist, his eyebrows furrowing downward into a scowl, but slowly, as he noticed a shocked look about his face, he froze a bit and noticed his eyes started to get glossy.

"i..i-it's not like that, i swear! what i was trying to tell you was; i really do love you, and i wish you and i could be more than friends. but, as you said a few seconds ago, you do not feel the same way, nor return those feelings i held for you in my heart." [name] said, slowly bringing his hand up to his face, bringing his index finger up and placing it on his cheek; subconsciously wiping away a tear that was falling from his eyes. no matter how many times [name] told him how much he loved him within this moment, he didn't seem to take it easily.

rin was stuck between two people. his girlfriend; now ex-girlfriend, and [name], his best-no childhood friend. he had always been there for him when he needed something, or moral support. he was there when no one was else wasn't, or didn't bother to acknowledge the existence of him. he had stood up for him, and protected him like an older brother-despite [name] being three years younger than rin. however, just the thought of that alone, started to change, and he began developing feelings for him.

feelings that he didn't even know were feelings, but rather emotions. it has been almost six years since he's been in love with [name]. from when they both were in year seven, to him being a first year year, whilst he was as in his third year; which is almost over. in this very moment, [name] took notice that rin had stopped mixing his tea, his hand shaking a bit, eyes closing, while a small breath was heard from his mouth; gritting his teeth in annoyance as the he had brought up his girlfriend.

"hey, baby," a soft voice spoke up, catching the attention of a tall, casually dressed male who was beside her. "do you remember that dress we saw at the mall?" she asked, tilting her head to the right side, gently running her fingers through the strands of her hair, while she was looking at herself in the mirror. after asking that question, she paid no mind, and confined to look at her reflection.

"i was thinking, since you're the son of one of the biggest fashion designers, that you could get me some dresses. preferably something between a size two or four."not hearing any response, she turned her head and noticed that her boyfriend was leaning up against the wall near the clothing rack, his phone in his hand, while his fingers seemed to be tapping along the screen. being the jealous girlfriend she was, she arched her brow, eyes narrowing at his direction and walked up to him, flicking his forehead.

"excuse me, my dear, and most wonderful boyfriend. i was talking to you." taking to said male, he then snapped out his thoughts and blinked a few times before realizing where he was."hmm, what is it? and why did you just flick my forehead?" he bluntly asked, glancing at his girlfriend, making her giggle and wrap his his arm was wrapped around her shoulder, while she snuggled closer to him.

"baby, could you please ask your parents for that dress i wanted, but couldn't have. and tell them to make my size. besides, if you don't remember how it would fit, i could always show you my body so you could get a better description. hmm?" she smirked slightly, biting her lower lip as she looked up at him. she began to trail her hand up his right arm and squeezed his bicep. a light blush making its way onto her cheeks. he grunted, seeing his girlfriend touch him, while her eyes were beginning to slowly darken.

he couldn't just leave her like that. no matter how many times he wanted to-something about her, drew him closer, and he didn't like it.
not one bit.

rin then tore his gaze away from the window, lifting both his hands up and covering his lower mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. he could his eyes burning a bit, making them blur, before feeling something wet roll down his cheek. he blushed a bit out of embarrassment. he didn't want anyone seeing him cry. not even his parents, or close friends. quickly, he wiped away the fallen tears from his eyes and sniffled.

he tried his best to cover that up with a cough, calming down his emotions that were taking over him. as he felt someone watch him, his eyes slowly landed onto [name]. seeing him sit there, then quickly look down at his lap out of shyness, almost finishing up his left over hot chocolate, which wasn't hot anymore but cold.

while staring at [name], rin found himself slowly admiring his features. he really did love each and every detail about him. from the way his hair curled after coming out the water, to him being playful then shy out of something embarrassing, and most of all; he wanted to be there for him. with the settling and comforting silence, he decided to finally speak up. "m'sorry, i just...i don't get it." he started off, sighing. he still kept his gaze on him, scanning what he might do next.

when rin saw [name] shifting his gaze from the hot chocolate, to shyly meeting his own maroon eyes, "i have done everything i could do to make her happy. i took her out on many lovely dates; her favourite being the aquarium. she told me she loved sharks and really wanted to see one, so of course i took her there. it's also funny because she even said i had reminded her of a shark," he chuckled and sighed, shaking his head. "from there, i had introduced her to my family and friends, and lastly, i recently bought her a 14 carat diamond ring for christmas." he continued to speak, never looking away from the twilight eyes that stared deeply into his own.

"but, what's wrong with that? you both always seemed so happy: i mean, laughing together, going on many adventurous dates, and such. besides, m'sure you both got matching polaroid albums." [name] said. yes he still had a crush on rin, his childhood his best friend, but, deep down, he never once realized how he must have truly felt. even if it may not be a good time, he still managed to get a few words out his mouth.

"what's wrong, was that i was going to ask her to marry me." rin mumbled, slowly reaching into his pocket and took out the ring. "i was so stupid to realize that i was being forced to show affection in public, and go on stupid dates. like, ever since she found out about who i really was and about my family business, she's been so needy. always begging me to ask my parents when are they releasing their newest clothing line for the summer, or if she can be in the fashion show-i couldn't handle the pressure given from her.

yeah, i know i am her boyfriend, but she only thinks about me spending money on her, or buying her clothes, or other stupid, and stranger things." as he said those things, his voice came off a bit harsh towards the end. along that, he closed his eye, holding back his sobs, but then felt something warm being placed on top of his hand.

"look, i may not have been in many relationships; nor once had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. but, i understand where you are coming from, and what you're saying. to be clear and put it in a better understanding format: you're scared of being used, maybe even taken for granted and lastly; to fall in love after the experiences you had with your girlfriend. but, in true honesty; that wasn't love you were feeling for her. In fact," [name] stayed quiet for a second, slowly closing his eyes and hesitated before reaching out and giving rin's hand a small contraction.

"we fall in love with people we do not know. but when it comes to close friendships; that love we feel begins to blossom, and turn into something much more." [name] softly spoke, causing rin to look down at both their hands. once looking in his direction, rin slowly interlocked their fingers together and hesitate before slowly bringing [name]'s hand towards his lips, causing the younger male to blush.

[name] felt the same thumping of his compassion beating rapidly against his chest, before noticing the older male letting go of his hand and placing his finger under his chin. "i will acknowledge something. three years before i had met my girlfriend, i discreetly had sentiments for you. there were many times where i would be sitting in class; my mind roaming various of places, before your name started popping up randomly in my head. it had coach me to feel some confusing feelings. what i really wanted to tell you was how i felt, but my parents called me that same day telling me we were moving back home because they made a deal with some family.

they wanted both families to combine their companies in order to build a successful empire. what i felt towards you was different from when my first girlfriend and i started dating. whenever i look at you, i always had to look away because i was scared that i would say something i didn't want to." glancing down at [male]'s soft looking lips made them blush. both hearts were beating in sync; the blood flowing and pumping through their veins. no matter how much [name] wanted to kiss him, he was frightened he was going to deny it.

that was until, he remembered something that made his eyes widen. "wait, you love m- " just before an answer was given, his sentence was cut short when he felt soft lips press against his own. he could feel his body tingle, small pants leaving his mouth, trying to calm his racing heart before the kiss got deeper. rin pulled away, a visible string of saliva connecting from both their lips as he watched [name] catch his breath with a dazed look in his half lidded eyes and visible blush acting his cheeks.

rin smirked a bit at the image in front of him. "prince, i have been in love you for the longest time. i just never realized how much i loved you until now." he whispered, looking deeply into his eyes. hearing him finally say it, [name] eyes sparkled a little, making said male blush. after that, the two boys got up from the table. said male, gently grabbing onto [names]'s hand; interlocking their fingers together, before leaving the booth together.

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F I N