TITLE | ATRABILIOUS

GENRE | NEW ADULT

AUTHOR | NoXiOuS_PsYcHe

CHAPTERS REVIEWED | 5

SPECIAL REQUESTS | DEVELOPEMENT, PLOT AND HOOK

TITLE | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

as always, i'm a fan of short titles which speak volumes. atrabilious does just that while it also piques the reader's interest! having said that, i would have liked to see a noun following atrabilious, which is an adjective. it is traditionally accepted to follow the adj + noun rule when forming sentences. still, it goes well with the plot and i won't stress on a change.

COVER | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

while definitely conceptual, i think it could use some creativity. instead of a girl drowning, you could have faceclaims or even random models on your cover. try going for something more eye catching because otherwise, it might wash away.

BLURB | ⭐️⭐️

• when giving the definition of atrabilious, please copy it in dictionary format and not in the way you've pasted it. it's very distracting and isn't uniform with the theme. just write:

atrabilious (adj.) — melancholy

• "After today, we will go back to being strangers, just like we were before," I asserted, nonchalantly.

• please do not put that huge gap between your excerpt and main blurb, it interferes with the reader's attention.

• Earning the solicitude of Lilith Valentine was as impossible as cutting fire into streaks. Since she perceived the world with eyes of indifference, she was often labelled as a callous psyche. But here is where the most important question arises: was nonchalance all she had in her or was there more to her than it seemed?

PLOT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

while the plot isn't exactly understandable in the first few chapters, i started to get the hang of it by the fourth one. the way you started off made it seem like it was going to be a steamy workplace romance. it's also a bit blurry to understand from the blurb because there is a stark contrast between the excerpt and the blurb. while the excerpt explicitly mentions that she couldn't be apathetic anymore, the blurb counters it by asking the audience if lilith has any emotions other than nonchalance. i'd suggest choosing a different excerpt.

CHARACTERS | ⭐️ ⭐️

okay so, the characters had their strong points but there's no depth or uniqueness to them. clavicus is a supposed jerk, lilith isn't his puppet, and so on. it's all very forgettable you know? like, if you asked me how i would describe lilith, i wouldn't have anything to say.

GRAMMAR | ⭐️

i'll just start by saying that every paragraph has glaringly obvious errors. tense shifts, wrong punctuation and unnecessary word usage were in abundance. i couldn't screenshot them all because wattpad wouldn't allow me to post more than the pictures i'm currently going to share.

• I finished what seemed like my sixth cup of coffee of the day...
• I was an architect at a company where I had been working for the past five years.

• Mr. Clavicus Mercer was the most apathetic person I had ever come across.
• ...sentiments than him. No one...
• No one had ever seen him smile; he was like a robot.
• He always came to the office before everyone else and left way too late.
• He even worked on the weekends.

• Did I forget to mention the fact that he absolutely and utterly despised me? I didn't act like a fucking puppet for him like the others and it didn't go down well with him.

• He couldn't even fire me because I was one of the best and well known architects in his corporation.

• Still, he managed to find flaws in all of my designs and never praised any of them.

• But something unusual happened last week. Mr. Mercer who had never once taken even a single day off, had suddenly been absent for a whole week. It was still a mystery why.

• In our office, nearly every girl had a crush on him. Some even sought to get into his pants. But who ever tried that got fired right after.

• I, on the other hand, had no interest in him. To me, he was just another pretentious jerk I wouldn't give a fuck about.

• please maintain consistency with your titles. either write them all in lowercase or begin with an uppercase letter. for example, you could do this:

chapter 1: hello, mr. superman
chapter 2: isn't he so grateful?

or this:

Chapter 1: Hello, Mr. Superman
Chapter 2: Isn't He So Grateful?

DESCRIPTIONS | ⭐️ ⭐️

i like that you described the characters and their relationships but it all fell apart because of the grammar. i often found myself struggling to understand what was happening, especially when lilith's story started with a long monologue about her boss. i would've liked to see their friction in between dialogues instead of having lilith narrate the entire thing. as a well known phrase says, "show, don't tell", i believe this is exactly what you should do. show us through active dialogue and actions, not whole narrative essays.

DIALOGUES | ⭐️ ⭐️

like i said, i would have liked more meaningful dialogues rather than having a narration. i would recommend that you try making your characters look more three dimensional because right now, i couldn't feel any connection with their dialogues.

FLOW/LOOPHOLES | ⭐️ ⭐️

i couldn't read as far as searching for loopholes but i will tell you this: please work on your presentation and grammar. i had to take multiple breaks, stop at various places to understand the language and sometimes i even had to begin again because i had forgotten what was happening. the flow was disrupted time and again because of the grammar which was a huge let down.

ENGAGEMENT | ⭐️ ⭐️

to be vvvv honest, i lost interest by the third chapter. the plot wasn't my style, there were tons of grammatical errors and i couldn't find myself being attached to any character. i suggest you start looking at editing services that recognised communities on wattpad provide. even if your plot would have started getting clearer later on, i don't think i could've gone on, given the grammatical mistakes in every paragraph.

FINAL VERDICT | ⭐️ ⭐️

i would recommend that you immediately start working on making your characters more unpredictable and real. i could chart out their next words just by the feel of their personalities, which wasn't much. please, please try to work with an editor who is working for a well-known wattpad community and get your work polished.