It's getting freaking hard again. My thoughts aren't under control anymore.

I genuinely thought I was doing better and finally good again but I'm not.

I convinced my parents to go to work again and visit once they finish. I was physically doing better. So why stay?

Elliot and Thomas are still here, though I'm trying to get both of them to go back to school or college. Thomas is not giving the slightest and neither is Elliot.

Nevertheless, Thomas is still acting distant.

He did take my hand every chance he got. In secret, of course, so Elliot won't start asking questions.

Well, that lasted for about three hours until he told us that 'Whatever it is with you guys, at the moment I do not care. I only  care that you, Hope will be fine again as soon as possible and if that meens holding your hand, Thomas, then do it.'

He even muttered 'Even I'm not blind and see what's going on between you.' I don't think he wanted us to hear that.

Since then, my hand is occupied and being caresst now and then. Though as I said, he was still distant. He talked barely why Elliot and I rambled about the most random things.

And it still made me uneasy because I still didn't knew what happened in my room.

Docotr Bennet said I could leave the hospital in four days. It may not sound much but it certainly feels like an eternity.

Out of nowhere, my stomach started to grumble really loud. Embarrassed, I looked away. "Sorry."

"Why are you apologizing for?" My brother asked. I shrugged. "I don't know. That hospital food isn't really filling."

"I'll go get us some take away. What do you guys want?" Thomas suddenly got up and looked at us both.

The way he looks at me gives me chills. Even for this split second I saw he wants to tell me something. So why isn't he?

"Maybe some Wings with fries?" My brother suggested. "A burger sounds good." When he looked at me and nodded in response, it was still there. And whatever it was, it was sad.

//°°\\

I expected much, or well, much food, but not what entered the door after Thomas.

It was Ana.

She wore some clothes I was sure are her ballet clothes and a bag over her shoulder. She looked so pretty. Her body looked flawless. Small waist, flat stomach, slim arms and legs and curves at just the right spots.

Her curly hair was tied together and slicked back in a way I would've looked like an egg.

Do I really want to eat that burger now?

"Hope, hey. I'm so sorry for not visiting earlier! I didn't know you were in the hospital until Thomas here," she smiled at him way to happy for this location, "told me you had an accident."

She came to hug me lightly. "How're you feeling?" "I'm fine. Just waiting to get released."

"How sweet of you to stay with Hope, Thomas." Again, that overly sweet smile sits on her face until she turns to my brother. "And you of course too!"

I furrow my eyebrows. What is happening to her?

"Do you know how Becca's doing?" I asked, ignoring her weirdness. Finally, something real enters her expression. I would never want anybody to be sad, though you can't call that sad.

"Yes, she's still very sick but her mother said she'll be fine." She clears her throat. Looks down. Fidgets with her bag and I realize it's all a facade. Under that masc, she does care.

Maybe she feels guilty for not visiting me. Or maybe I'm naive, which I hope I'm not.

The silence gets so loud I want to scream out loud. Or chug down a pill. But I can't.

That's the problem. I can't. Only the knowing that it's something I can't have but still crave more than anything at the moment is driving me insane.

I'm tense up and I wish I could just scream out of the top of my lungs. As loud as I can. Letting it all out.

Instead, I feel warm fingers gliding over my hand and starting to caress it. I immediately let go of a deep breath. I want him to hug me. But not like this.

I want Thomas to be Thomas again.

Even with his support, I can't stand us all just sitting, standing or laying in silence.

"Anything happened at school?" My voice sounds a little raspy.

Ana nods. "Actually, two boys had a really bad fight. Apparently they kept on saying means things until it escalated into the fight." My breathing hitched.

I wasn't really confrontated with violence, nor did I think I would react like that. What am I saying? It's nothing. Nothing I can't handle.

"Both became their punishment, of course, though Tyler is acting off since then. He's being ready aggressive over small things and tends to violence more. So when you go back to school, you better watch out for him."

Oh I so will.

The position I was in started to feel uncomfortable. My leg felt weird and I wanted to place myself a little different.

Bad idea.

Pain erupts so bad a noise of pain left my mouth. A really weird noise, loud enough for all of them to hear.

"Woah!" Elliot jumped up from his chair while I laid there, face full of agony.

It hurt so bad. How can it hurt so bad?

How the fudge did I manage to hurt myself that bad?

"You guys I really gotta go. Important stuff to do. Get well soon, Hope!" Ana left. Just like that and she was gone.

In that situation I normally wouldn't mind, I think, but right now I do. How could she just leave me here?

Soon doctors rushed in, pushing Thomas and Elliot away. Maybe they didn't push them away but it felt exactly like it.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Can't you give her medicine?"

"Please do something!"

"She's in pain!"

"Help her!"

I only understood the shouts from the boys. The doctors must've talked more quite. It felt like cotton in my ears.

I won't faint. I'm sick of this.

Where is Thomas hand? When he drove me here I managed to stay conscious with his presence and help, I can't do it on my own! I need him.

My hand began to search through the air, hitting nothing.

My clear vision was long gone and tears didn't help. I wanted support. His hand gently pressing mine, telling me I'll be okay again.

I wanted a hug from Elliot. The ones that made all my tears dry back at our old home when everybody turned their backs on me. When I was all alone.

He was there. Now where is he? I want to be held by someone. I don't want to be alone. Not right know.

That deep, familiar loneliness I know for way too long creeps up. I feel it in my bones, pulsing through my muscles and pumping through my veins. Spreading fast that I feel that hole in my chest ripping open again.

Everything for nothing.

The life I'm trying to build here. All gone. I can't get out of this. In what state am I even in?

I wanna-

A warm hand grabbed my right hand. Then another hand enclosing my left one.

I wasn't alone. Even if I'm lonely, I'm not alone.

I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone I'm not alone.

I kept on repeating it until I was able to believe it myself.

I'm not alone.

And I fought for my consciousness. I won the fight. Am I proud? It's something, at least.

Elliot and Thomas stayed by my side. When I started to feel better again, their faces have paled and their eyes were even a bit glossy.

And when I found out I, according to them, was crying so heart wrenching, screaming for both their names, I understood why. The doctors wouldn't let them near me until they were done with getting me stable again.

Just when I only needed to rest and calm down they let them take my hands.

"You're face was so tear stained, full of suffer and agony. I'm still hearing your screams." Elliots words.

Maybe it was good that Ana left. She shouldn't see or hear that.

//°°\\

Two days passed and still everything is the same but one thing.

My craving for the pills only increases.

I somehow managed to get my phone. And I convinced Elliot to continue going to college.

Which makes three changes.

While Thomas-who still isn't very talkative which is still weird-is in the bathroom, I take my chance and text my mother. Desperate.

Desperately asking her if she still got the orange little bottle with the small little pills for me in it.

What I didn't expect was her asking Doctor Bennet for approval.

"Hope, I want you to come again in a week after you got released. I want to discuss something with you." He looks stern and I squirm, not wanting to continue the conversation.

"You're old enough to decide if you want your parents involved, but I think it would be good to give you a clarification on benzodiazepines."

Neither did I expect Thomas to walk in.

//°°\\

A/n:

My first ever cliffhanger I think!

Do you even want to read authors notes? :D

Anyway, again, I didn't read over it, again it's kinda late and imma go sleep, so sorry for typos or grammar mistakes!

Btw I have school again which means nearly no free time. Yay!

But who needs sleep anyway?

Any opinions or tips?

Have a great day or rest of it!

WrittenBy09