I think the golden shapes, painted by the sun, never looked as pretty as they do now.

A week has passed since me and Elliot talked about the shooter and his partner. I think.

It's a weekend day, that I know 'cause I slept in.

I tried. I really did.

When Thomas came over, I didn't even had the urge to calm down my nerves. His eyes took me with them. They calmed me down. He calmed me down. I enjoyed baking again and, well, he enjoyed it, too.

But he isn't here anymore. Nor is Elliot. My parents don't care enough, and I don't want them to care. I always act fine around them, smile and laugh. They don't have to worry about me. I'm perfectly fine on my own.

Watching the sun rays wander around my room.

Sometimes my vision gets blurry, but that only makes them prettier.

When Thomas left the other day, he took that calmness with him. And only seeing him at school didn't help. Becca is sick and Ana is acting weird sometimes. So I got my calmness back.

I may have been a little desperate. My hands may have started to shake. My thoughts may have been so awful, I couldn't even think straight. And only one thing, one, simple thing, was the light in the dark. The one thought that stood out.

So I took one. And another one. And another one. And another one? I don't even know.

I do know that I'm tired, but I can't sleep now, I just woke up. Did I?

Looking at the clock was useless. It was so distant. I couldn't read it. Did the numbers leave my clock? It looked like they were approaching me. Coming closer. And closer.

It scared me. It drove me crazy. My breathing came out ragged.

Stop. I tried to tell them to go back. I was supposed to be in control.

Suddenly the red digits faded into a orange and then yellowish color. It was just the shapes. The golden ones from the sun. I let go of a breath in relief.

A loud bang made me jump. No wait. It wasn't loud. Was it?

I have to look. I have to stand up. And I tried to, but my legs won't obey. They didn't move. No, they did. I was standing now.

I need to get out. But I'm on the floor again. Did I ever stood up?

I was supposed to be in control. I was supposed to be in control. I. Was. Supposed. To. Be. In. Motherfucking. Control!

Tiredness overcame me. It was nearly unbearable to hold my eyes open. Did I even sleep? Or did I stayed up the whole night with my thoughts going crazy? Panicked. Helpless. Alone.

I startled at a loud scream. It sounded frustrated. Very frustrated. Out of control.

It was my scream.

Was it loud? Did it matter? I'm home alone either way.

Maybe another one could help. Just one small pill. How much damage could a small thing like this even cause?

Where did I put them again? Where are they?

It was hard to see. Everything was blurred and spinning.

In my ears rushed my blood. My heart was pounding very loudly, too.

Then I saw red again. Scared it would be the digits from my clock, I wanted to defend myself. Could I punch them? Kick them away?

'Go away!' I kept repeating it in my head, but I still saw red. It didn't look like the digits, though. And it was spread in different places. It followed me like a path.

Was it evil as well?

By this time, my heart was racing. My head pounding.

The red isn't fading. The sun was hiding behind clouds. It looked cold in my room. No golden shapes. But red. Splashes? Puddles?

My hand reaches up to my head. Weird. My face was wet. Did I cry? Was that the reason why my sight is blurry? It can't be. It was different. And the... liquid is sticky.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

I hear another scream from the distance. Full of agony. Again, it sounds deeply frustrated. It sounded desperate for relief. A relief that could not be found.

And again, it was my scream.

Deep down from my throat. It came out by itself. Crept up and escaped. But I didn't recognize this as my scream. I didn't even know I was screaming, nor did I want to.

Then, I screamed again. This time, I knew it was me. I wanted to scream. Because I jumped so hard at a really loud bang.

It echoed. Mirrored in those red puddles. They're liquid, so they reflect.

"Jesus, Hope!" A voice. Did I  kwow it? Do I care? "What the hell happened?" Was it even real? I'm supposed to be alone. I feel alone.

"What did you do?" Hands cupped my face which I hissed at. It hurt. "What did you do, Hope?"

I wanted to answer, though nothing left my lips. What do I want to answer? What even happened?

Next thing I know is me flying.

I saw a light, it shined into my eyes. It bothered me. All of a sudden, a face of an angel shielded it away.

This is it. I'm dead. I was flying, saw the light and now I'm seeing angels. They look kinda familiar. Funny.

Would I grow wings now?

I got panicked again when the world around me started to shake. A scream of fear was set free again. So distant, but so mine.

This wasn't heaven. This here hurt.

Mostly my head, though everything else hurt, too.

The world never stopped shaking. And I didn't gain back my control. I needed it. I wanted it.

That's what the pills gave me. Control. And now they took it.

But it can't be. It just can't.

My blood was still rushing, though I still heard the sobs from a girl. From a girl who lost control.

Something squeezed my hand. "Hang on there. It's alright."

While I tried to process the words I barely heard and understood, I couldn't let go of that soothing sound. It wanted me to close my eyes.

And when everything went black, I knew this would feel good. Relieving.

"No, Hope, you're gonna have to stay awake, alright?" Now the voice was panicked. Just like me, 'cause everything was still rattling. I'm sure my breathing is as fast as my heart.

"Please Hope, listen to my voice alright." It pleaded. "We nearly made it, okay? Stay with me."

Something about it made me obay. "Fight with me. Fight for me, alright? Do it for me. If not yourself, do it for me."

And so I fought.

I forced my eyelids open and focused on the hand holding mine. Occasionally, it let go, but it always came back. It was warm. But I kept my never spoken promise and fought.

Fought until I was flying again. Fought until bright lights made me close my eyes, though I stayed conscious. Fought until I got placed on something soft.

I fought until Thomas' voice told me everything would be okay again and I was finally able to stop fighting.

And I fell. Immediately.

But not into a dark abbys. No, I flew up high, way further than the clouds, 'cause a warm hand was interwined with mine and a certain voice kept telling.

"You're fine now, it's okay."

And for now, that's what I would love to believe.

//°°\\

A/n:

Wait a second, I have to deeply exhale.

This chapter was something to write, and it was not easy. Well, it actually was, the words just flew out of my fingers. But still, yk?

I hope this is still realistic and all, and mostly, I hope it was understandable. 😭 I know it was a little chaotic and all.

I hope you still enjoyed!

Have a great day or rest of it!

WrittenBy09