Can habits change?

Do I even want to change mine?

It's just so calm and relieving. And if I want to stop, I have to deal with the consequences of even starting.

Why do I always forget the consequences of starting? I'm constantly tired and it often feels like not only me, but my mind is tired. Like some things just go in and don't get proceeded anywhere.

Then they're gone.

But at least I can control the panic. I can control the creeping up my spine. I don't have to fear any panic attacks and I fall asleep fast, into dark abysses without any nightmares.

On Monday, I was nervous about seeing Thomas, so I took one. Even though it wasn't weird in the end. We're normal friends now, I guess.

On Tuesday was the deadline of an assignment I missed, so I took one after I excused myself to the restroom. Even though in the end, the teacher said it was fine 'cause I'm new.

On Wednesday, and I don't know how that happened, but I tripped and face planted. I was so embarrassed and I could feel all the eyes of other students making fun of me. So I took one. Even though in the end, nobody said or laughed at me.

On Thursday was a pop quiz I didn't know of, so off to the restroom again and I took one. Even though in the end, I had the choice of if I want to attend.

On Friday, well Friday is today and I haven't took one yet.

It's currently the start of lunch break and
Becca, Ana and I sat down at our usual becoming table.

To our surprise, after some minutes, we got another tray put down in front of us, followed by Thomas sitting down.

"Well hello there." Ana put a way too sweet smile on her face which I frowned at. Where did that come from?

Thomas didn't look, though. Actually, his eyes were set on me, so I greeted him as well and started eating. I could still feel his eyes on me. As if he was reading me like a book. As if he was about to find out. Sweat spread on palms.

"I'll go to the restroom real quick." I clear my throat, grab my backpack and rush off.

Even when I locked myself into a stall, I couldn't breathe better. The air here was bad either way. Fast, I opened my backpack and grabbed the box with pills from the complete bottom.

With a few chugs of water, it went down. Smoothly. Why feel bad? It felt good. So damn good.

I still waited a few minutes. These didn't work as fast as the ones from the hospital, so the more I waited the better. But I couldn't wait for hours, so I made my way back.

Only knowing that it now was in my system helped me calm down. It always did.

When I sat down, Ana -and Ana only- was laughing so loud at something, it sounded fake. Becca and I shared a glance, I a confused one, she a clueless one.

Thomas looked glad as I sat back down. "Hope," he dragged out my name and I knew he was going to ask something he didn't wanted to ask for, but still wanted it. He comes over a lot to see Elliot, in my defense. "I'll spend the night at yours tomorrow, what do you think of baking brownies? Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Caution, or you'll get a stomach ache from all that sweetness dripping from your mouth." I joked.

Yes, I, Hope, joked. I started to feel more comfortable around the girls by the day, with Thomas you just got no choice. He wasn't lying when he said he comes over. He did nearly every day.

And if not every day, then Elliot went to his. Not that I bothered.

Or maybe it did bother me. Elliot and I didn't spend much time together after going to the cinema and I didn't got the chance to let him know I heard him sing in the shower.

No, it doesn't bother me as long as my brother is happy.

Wait, what if my joke was bad? Would they laugh about it or would they laugh about me? They did laugh, a little. Except Thomas. He gave me a stern look that quickly turns into a grin. "That's a yes."

Taken aback by his statement, it took me a little to answer. "It's not a yes. I never said that."

"Nor did you say no." His grin got even wider. That boy doesn't know boundaries, honestly.

"No." I took a bite of victory from the apple on my tray.

"No to what? 'No' you didn't say no? Great, that's definitely a yes." He copied my move and took a bite of his apple. Eyes caught up with mine. Did I feel a blush? No. Well maybe a small one.

Normally, I wouldn't let a man tell me what to do, but this was an exception 'cause now I finally get to bake and get my mind of off things without an excuse to why I wouldn't.

I felt eyes burning holes through me. Not Thomas', but the ones from Rebecca and Anabeth. I was still chewing on my food as gave them confused looks. Becca just chuckled and continued eating, while Ana looked... annoyed? Did I do something wrong?

A foot kicked my leg, not hard, and I looked at Becca, who caused the kick. She just shook her head, motioning for me drop it.

Then I met a pair of brown eyes and I forgot everything around me either way.

Even for the rest of the day, his eyes were burned into my retina.

Even now, after school, I lay on my bed, listening to 'Please, Please, Please' with no chance of getting his eyes out of my head. And his face expression. And his hair. And...

And a knock on my door, bringing me back to reality. "Come in."

To my surprise, messy, brown hair pops up. Elliot made his way to my bed after closing the door.

A warm feeling spread and I looked forward to the time we were about to spend, though that all vanished when I saw his glossy eyes. He also had bags under them and looked tired.

"Can we talk?" His voice came out hoarse while he fidgeted with his fingers.

"Of course." Worry crashed into me as I motioned at my bed, "Sit."

He obeyed and sat down. I scooted closer to him and took his shaking hands, which only caused me to worry more.

"Eh," unsure his eyes trailed over my room. I gave him all the time he needed and waited until he felt ready to talk to me. "I talked to Mom. More like Mom talked to me."

"It should be something good, but I don't feel good, Hope." At his words and the way he looked at me, broken and deeply sad, I felt my heart ache. Like a hand was squeezing it. It hurt.

Patiently I let him gather himself and pulled myself together. I needed to at least act tough.

"She said.. eh, she told me, the man-" Elliots voice broke and he unexpectedly wrapped his arms around me. When the first sob escaped his lips, I heard my heart shatter into millions of pieces.

The man. Which man?

With the broken and aching heart I tried to focus. I needed to think clear. But it is so hard to concentrate. Especially since, well, since I went to the pharmacy. Or even before. I don't even know.

Focus, Hope!

A man, bad news. A man, bad news. No wait, good news. He said it should be good news. Should. God, why was it so hard to think clearly.

If I wouldn't been a freaking addict to fucking pills, this whole situation would be easier. I bet I would have figured it out already.

My arms were still hugging Elliot and comforting him when he sat back up and rubbed his eyes and cheeks to dry the tears.

"They got him, Hope." He took a shaky breath. "They arrested the man who shot me. And his partner. They got them."

My eyes widened. The shooter.

How could I've been so selfish?

I was only thinking about me and me feeling guilty and me taking pills that don't even solve my problems and just make everything more complicated but they make it easier to deal with stuff because I'm tired of dealing with myself and my feelings and my thoughts and my guilt and-

"Why are you crying?"

I tried to look at my brother, but my vision was blurry from the tears that sting in my eyes. My cheeks are wet. I didn't even notice.

"I'm so selfish." The words leave my mouth under a shaky breath. "No you're not." He was sitting straight again, his tears dried. "Why would you say that?" Now he was the one who was worried.

Great, now I've managed to make everything revolve around me again.

"Don't do that." I sniff. A frown let his eyebrows scrunch together. "Do what?"

"Care about me when it actually is about you at the moment." Shame mixes with guilt. Like a shoe stomped onto the pieces of my heart.

"But I care about you. And I know you are here for me, so now I'm here for you." Elliot squeezed my shoulder, nicely urging me to talk.

"I haven't spent a single thought to that assholes." I finally admit.

He seems to think about it for a second. I don't blame him, honestly.

"And? Doesn't seem too bad. I wish I wouldn't have spent so many thoughts on them."

My mouth drops open. "Wait what? You're not mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be mad at you? I can only wish for not thinking about what ifs. Everyday I wondered if they would come for us. If they shot more people. How many life's they already took. What they'd do if they found us."

"Come here." He opened his arms and I jumped in.

"I thought you were getting better. You always seem to have fun with Thomas and I am glad you found him, but I never ever could've imagined what you are going through. I thought it was just me."

"Hop, I love you but that's dumb." Taken aback I look at him. "Of course I'm happy, sometimes, at least. But this left scars, physically and mentally. And I see you're happy around your friends, too."

"You're right. I am dumb." That made him throw his head back while laughing.

"Don't worry about it, though. I know you feel guilty, even if you don't have to because it's not your fault, and that you have to deal with much as well." Elliot gave me a crooked smile.

"Now you know. And I'm going to therapy, that helps a bit." He adds.

"I'm not going to therapy." I slap him against his chest. "I know, I know." He lifts his hands up in the air.

This night, I stayed up listening to his steady breaths. We fell asleep on my bed, well he did. I couldn't stop thinking about the things he had said.

He was going through a lot. And now I understand.

I called myself an addict. In my thoughts, at least. It just came.. naturally. As if that was something obvious. Which it now is, and I can't deny it anymore.

I got addicted to the benzodiazepines.

//°°\\

A/n:

Well, this chapter didn't go as planned.

I completely forgot about the shooter, so now here he, or better, they are finally mentioned to be arrested.

Btw it was originally planned that Elliot and Hope spent some time together and be happy and laughing, but yeah... that took a little turn.

I hope Hope's thoughts are written realistic, I made my research on the side effects and try to write them as accurate as possible. I don't want romanticize anything!

If you need to talk I'm always here to listen. (No matter if it's on my message board, Instagram or Discord.)

Have a great day or rest of it!

WrittenBy09